Purple Women & Friends

A Message From Down Under

2010-12-24T10:16:00.002-05:00

An unexpected email from a Purple Woman in Australia was the best gift I could have received this Christmas. It convinces me that just posting a new article once or twice a year is not enough effort to keep the content and value of this 2-year intensive blog project alive. My big task for the new year is to take steps to preserve it, so that it will continue to provide a measured, balance perspective on what it is to be a Purple Woman. It is empowering to be self-defined.

She has given me permission to share this letter to herself.

Madeline's Story: A Letter to Myself

Today is the beginning of a new outlook on life. This weekend we made the decision to not continue on the IVF path. Not next year. Not ever.

For me it is also a conscious decision not to continue on the ‘infertility’ path.  That may sound strange, because technically we will remain, by definition, ‘infertile’.  But today, and every day from now on, this is not how we define ourselves.

Spending our emotional energy, our time and our money trying to bring ‘something’ into our life implies that there is something missing.  And that is what has kept us on the IVF roller coaster and turned both of us – I guess me especially – into anxious and (if I’m being honest with myself) at times unhappy people. What I have come to realise this week is that there is nothing missing.

We have a loving, fun, deeply committed relationship and we have a choice to make.  So many of our choices have been made for us that I almost forgot the one we can still make – we can choose not to define ourselves by what we don’t have.  We can choose to get off the emotional rollercoaster that is ivf. We can choose to embrace a different life. Not a lesser life, but a different one…maybe even a fuller one.

Yesterday I read that ‘There is only so much time in a day, a week, a lifetime, and if we don't raise children, perhaps we "raise" something else.’  Something about this blog excerpt resonated with me because, deep down, I know that I have something significant to contribute to this world. And I know that we both can make a mark, as individuals or as a couple.  And that mark isn’t going to be children. But it will be something just as meaningful.  We might change the life of people less fortunate than us.  We might find a way to bring light into dark times that other people suffer through. And through doing this we will probably learn, in a deeper way than we now recognise, that we are so very lucky to be two healthy, bright, driven people.

Apart from leaving a mark on this world, there are smaller – but significant – ways that we can embrace our life and be happy that we have made this choice.  We will have a freedom that other people cannot.  We can have dinner at 9pm on a Tuesday night over candlelight and a bottle of wine. We can nurture our love in a selfish, indulgent way.  We can come home at midnight after a night out with friends… no babysitter, no guilt. I can pursue a fulfilling career without the guilt of having to divide my energies and time.  I can continue singing and musical theatre and the joy that brings without feeling overcommitted.  We can go on extravagant or adventurous holidays every year. Every year. No putting it off. No having to find ‘child friendly’ hotels.  No waiting until school holidays.  We can explore other cultures and learn new things. We can take a whole year off work if we want to and travel the world (well, maybe later when we can afford it). We can go for long walks holding each other’s hands, ending up at a cocktail bar on the river if that’s what we feel like. We can enjoy the simple things in life…good food, good wine, expensive restaurants, lazy Sunday afternoon wines.

We don’t need anybody else in our lives to be fulfilled. There are many things that can ‘complete’ someone and there are many expressions of our love for each other.  In the past, I was so sad that our beautiful love would never be reflected in a child. What I am focused on now is nurturing and protecting that love and having fun with it.   There are other things that our love will be weaved into.  We might volunteer overseas together… we might give something back in a way that others can’t.  Importantly, we can move forward without resentment of other people’s fortune. Because we are going to be fortunate in other ways. We are going to feel fulfilled and satisfied and free. We are going to make a difference. We are going to focus our energies on our marriage, on our own identities and passions, and on our friends – some that we have, some that we will meet.

Most importantly, we will feel whole and happy because we have a deep love that we can spend every day investing our time and energy into and nothing will compromise that.

[Editor's note: This Purple Woman's name has been changed to protect her privacy.
Special thanks to Flickr member Wim Mulder for sharing his photo via Creative commons. CC]

For more information about the choice to be childfree, read through the archived posts on this blog (hint: you will find them sorted by topic in the sidebar), or visit Laura Scott's "Childless by Choice Project". Laura is an author and filmmaker and a former contributing editor of this blog.

Purple Women Love Opera

2010-06-17T09:43:00.004-04:00

I and my Purple girlfriend shared accommodations, gas expense, and driving duty driving to L.A. to attend the Opera Conference last week.

I didn't reflect upon the fact that not only were we both childfree, but so was our hostess, as well as the other lady friend we connected with while we were down there. The long drive home up I-5 gives one ample time for pondering such things.

My CF status is neither forward, nor hidden, it simply is a fact. It has taken years to get to that place emotionally and mentally. Two years of reading every book I could find on the subject, and blogging about it on this site, helped me get there. It is a good place to be. I no longer actively seek friends who are Purple like me, I gravitate towards them naturally. I have friends on both sides of the fence. I simply have more in common with those who are not parents with kids at home.

Being involved with my local opera company, on a volunteer basis, brings me into close association with a lot of retired folks whose children are grown. I have been told they have daughters my age. Age is something else I do not think about when making friends. This has served me well all my life.

There is only so much time in a day, a week, a lifetime, and if we don't raise children, perhaps we "raise" something else. It could be any cause, group, or a business. It opens up a world of possibilities, or as we like to say at Livermore Valley Opera, "opera-tunities".

Purple Again

2010-06-06T10:45:00.006-04:00

People used to ask me why "purple" women? It's a long story. Unless you for some unknown reason hate that color, the term when used to modify the word "woman" is relatively neutral, and begs definition. I propose that it was open to definition.

The short answer is "I like to be self-defined, so I created my own label." Too often women without children, either by choice or by accepting their circumstance, struggle with society's labels for them. Childless or childfree, or child-free like smoke-free and ozone-free?

When I began this blog, three years ago, I was living out of the country, connected only by phone and the Internet with loved ones and friends. My husband were uprooted and living in Toronto, Canada for two years while he completed his work assignment abroad. Our relationship was in a little Petrie dish of life. It was interesting to see what would grow, including some wonderful friendships. We, as a couple really had to put some thought and effort into making those connections. I established this blog in the relative comfort of that big, world class city that makes it all too easy to be anonymous.

I have to admit, as we transitioned back home, to a small, suburban town with rural roots in Northern California, I was not too keen on being so out of the closet as a Purple Woman. It was my husband's home town after all, and as small as the one I grew up in. "Better to blend in" was my thinking. In reality, that has never been possible for me, almost everywhere I've been. I have instead embraced "not fitting in" as a personal motto.

I have evolved so much in the last five years. This blog was a big part of that emotional journey. And that's just the middle part of my story. Stay tuned!

Syndication

2010-05-01T10:48:00.003-04:00

Many moons since my last post, but since I feel strongly that this topic and the content of this blog, a two year journey taken by not just me but in concert with more than a dozen other guest contributors, is very, very relevant.

I have been exploring the capabilities and the whys and wherefores of social networking, and have been inspired by their viral capabilities to network to individuals and organizations in the last year. When I saw that they added Networked Blogs as a new feature, I immediately began experimenting with my current professional blog, one that I created to help promote and fosters support for our local opera company.

In order to get the feed "pulled" (no I don't really know what all these tech terms mean), I have to have posts within the last 30 days. So, I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

This blog represents a significant accomplishment, technically, semi-professionally, and personally. Not an easy topic to discuss with level heads and opposing viewpoints.

I am damn proud of this blog.

Adieu

2008-04-02T08:13:00.008-04:00

This journey has come to an end for me. I have to follow my heart, because life is not all about blogging. Sometimes you just have to log off and simply live it. When I started this blog, I thought I would write a book. I decided to focus on blogging instead.

Purple Women^TM is my trademark, yet I admit I know not what to do with it from here. I have reached a turning point in this project. It has served its purpose. I decided not to invest the time in publishing a book. Nor do I have ambitions to turn this into a revenue stream. Is anyone out there really marketing to childfree women? (Okay, I could turn that into a longer post, but it is time to close the door on this project, as new ones have opened for me!)

To my fellow bloggers, especially contributors to this site, Guest Posters and Regular Contributors alike, a huge thanks for blogging along and exploring the childfree topic with me these past few years. I'd like to think we helped our Co-Contributing Editor, Laura Scott along her path to actually publishing her book. She announced recently that she has secured a publisher. Wish her well, and please check in at her website from time to time: The Childless-By-Choice Project.

The comments will remain open and monitored by me, the Creator and Editor of this unique blog, however, without new posts our readership will drop off and Blogger will only continue to host this site as long as there are visitors. At some point, all our work here will be deleted by a mindless robot (aieeeeee!!!). We have collected 2+ years of posts here, all on the topic of being a woman who is childfree. My final task is to make a back up copy for posterity.

Feel free to explore!

This blog is officially closed. I invite you to visit me over at my personal blog: Peggy's Place.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

PW in Costa Rica

2008-03-18T09:54:00.005-04:00

Purple Women^TM travel. They don't have to wait for spring break or summer vacation. They can go to Costa Rica during the peak season (now ending). If you go "high-end", you are almost assured a kid-free experience. We tend to avoid places that advertise themselves as "family-friendly", not that I mind a little interaction with the younger set now and again.

Thanks to LauraS for putting up the posts while my husband and I were commemorating out 10th anniversary of marriage in this tropical locale. I highly recommend Costa Rica, as many of our friends did for us. Whether your high is zip-lining, sport fishing or birding or just sunning yourself by the pool and sampling the local cuisine, you will appreciate the jungle remoteness with all the amenities. One night a baby boa constrictor landed on a tree branch in full view of our dinner table, close enough that we got pictures!

Costa Rica has one of the most stable economies in all of South America. They have a thriving middle class, and the government subsidizes their tourism industry by offering mandatory standardized training in preparation for this field. English is compulsory at the high school level, so it is really up to individual if they really want to learn. We were vacationing right alongside Costa Ricans. They are wealthy enough to enjoy their own tourist offerings.

When I thought it was all over, (life is just one big adventure, eh?) and we were just killing time at the San Jose Airport, I saw this pin exchange display offered by a bank along with their money exchange service. I traded a Purple Women^TM button for a Costa Rica one. What fun!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Can We Have It All?

2008-03-17T20:48:00.005-04:00

This week I caught an episode of TLC’s reality show The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom.

A mother of two pretends she is on a mom’s spa trip when, in fact, she is living her fantasy as a chef in one of L.A.’s top restaurants. While her husband is taking care the of the kids, she is testing her skills in the presence of the top food critics in Los Angeles—reclaiming her dream to be a top chef. At the end of her secret week, she is given the choice between taking the opportunity to be a full-time chef at Chocolat, one of L.A.’s premier dining spots, or to go home and resume her life as a full-time mom.

What does she choose?

Despite her husband’s verbal and whole-hearted support of whatever choice she makes, and with consideration of the financial implications of living solely on a chef’s salary, she tearfully chooses to remain a stay-at-home mom.

The 70’s feminist part of me shakes her head and wonders, have we regressed to Ozzie and Harriet days?

The childless by choice part of me understands.

I, too, chose between a career and children. It was a relatively easy choice for me, because I had difficulty imagining myself as a mom. But what if you had two young ones at home and part of your identity, and being, hinged on being the Mom you always wanted to be, and the other part hinged on accomplishing the goals you set for yourself prior to becoming a mom?

What would you do?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

A Paternal Instinct?

2008-03-07T19:37:00.008-05:00

During my research for the Childless by Choice Project, I interviewed partnered and married childless and childfree men and I asked them, "Do you think there is such a thing as a paternal instinct?"

The responses were varied, but to paraphrase the majority of the men I interviewed, the response was: "If there is, I haven’t got it."

Beyond the anecdotel comes evidence from a major study conducted in the U.K. reported by The Daily Telegraph in Australia this past December, in an article titled For Dads, Happiness is No Kids.

Following is the full article:

The patter of tiny feet has long been thought of as the key to happiness. But according to a study, having children makes men less satisfied with their life, while women only enjoy motherhood once their offspring are packed off to school.
Between the ages of three and five, children made mothers less satisfied with life, while being the father of a child under five "significantly reduces"' life satisfaction.
Women with children aged five to 15 were happier than those who did not have children. Even children of school age brought no increase or decrease in happiness for men.
The study, carried out by the Institute for Social & Economic Research in Colchester, England, surveyed nearly 4000 couples between 1996 and 2003.

A caveat: I have not seen the original study. However, this rings true to me, based on my interviews.

What do you think?

Flickr photo by fusionstream (cc) /Technorati Tag: Childfree

Housekeeping and Guest Contributors

2008-02-28T09:33:00.006-05:00

Purple Women^TM, I want to remind you that this Blog Mistress is always looking for new voices. Would you like to contribute your story or opinion? If you have a story idea on our topic of discussion, please send Teri an email so we can collaborate to get your words on the "top of page". I often feel that the comments are as interesting as the post itself. In the blogosphere, it's all about the dialogue after all!

I tend to write "first person" shorter posts, but your Guest Post can be any length. About 500-words is a good target, but it's okay if it's longer. I will help you put up some great art, courtesy Flickr Photos and Creative Commons copyright for the Internet age. All of our Regular Contributors started as Guest Contributors.

Good blogs have good content and I ask for your help to keep this unique site a quality site.

On a personal note, I am happy to report that to celebrate 10 years of marriage, my husband and I will be in sunny Costa Rica for 10 days. We have vowed to leave the computers behind, so you may not hear from me for a couple of weeks. We'll be fishing and swinging through a rain forest jungle, birding, hiking and generally lazing around. I encourage you to visit our archives in the meantime. Various "labels" that are tied to each post and they are "searchable" key words -- all listed in the sidebar. Scroll down a bit and click through on any word to view all the posts tagged with that label. Happy reading!

You will find that the words of Purple Women^TM Contributors past are still very relevant to our current experience as childfree women today. Perhaps one of them will inspire you to a post of your own.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Motherhood Manifesto Not Just for Moms

2008-02-27T15:09:00.006-05:00

I recently spent part of my weekend free time reading and watching The Motherhood Manifesto, a book and DVD encouraging moms to fight for new laws and workplace policies that would benefit the lives of mothers and their kids.

Yeah, I know, I’m childree, but I have great respect for the author’s of this work: Joan Blades, co-founder of MoveOn.org and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, an award-winning author and consultant on environment policy. Also, I was curious;

I wondered, is their initiative likely to further the divide between mothers and non-mothers in the workplace?

In my humble opinion, the answer is yes, and no.

Most of what is advocated in The Motherhood Manifesto are changes that would benefit all: Flex-time, benefits for part-time workers, more paid vacation or sick time, minimum "living" wage, and equal pay for equal work.

Where it gets prickly is the instances where the push for maternal/paternal leave, after school programs, affordable childcare, and universal healthcare for kids (just for kids??) may leave childless workers with valueless benefits; benefits which, essentially, they pay for in sweat and are an important part of their compensation package.

The book exposes some very frightening facts, including the fact that families with kids are three times more likely to be forced into medical bankruptcy. But when you think about it, of course, it makes sense; the more people you have in your household the greater chance one of them will have a illness leading to catastrophic, impossible, medical bills. Parents by virtue of their choice to raise a family expose themselves to any number of risks, including sleep deprivation, severe stress, and—in the case of mothers who take time off to raise a family—loss of seniority and promotion opportunities, resulting in serious long-term loss of income.

I sympathize. The current U.S. work culture is not friendly to working moms, Americans pay far too much for health care and insurance, and I believe employers can do more to help the next generation and those who care for them. However, I think in the spirit of fairness and sound economics, benefits should be doled out in value units and the worker should have a menu of benefits and be invited to choose those which would benefit them the most. The parent might choose subsidized day care or flex time, the childfree and empty-nesters might choose affordable long-term health insurance, or paid time off to volunteer or tend to elder-care duties.

I once took a job which required me to travel state-wide. Some days it would take me two to three hours to get home. This situation forced me to drop my volunteer work as a tutor at an after school program. I would have loved paid time off for my volunteer work, but no dice. I was a part-time consultant. No benefits.

Clearly, there are shared objectives if these types of advocacy efforts can be more inclusive. So I was happy to see that on page 72 of the Motherhood Manifesto, in a sidebar titled It’s Not Just Mothers, John de Graff (who directed the Motherhood Manifesto film and is the National Coordinator of Take Back Your Time) acknowledge that moms, dads, singles, and couples are all suffering from "time poverty," pointing out:

"The average American works nine weeks—350 hours—more each year than the average Western European."

Time…aaah; time for leisure, time for family, time for sanity and health.

Now that’s something we can all get behind.

Flickr photo by edtwilight77 (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Less Fulfulling?

2008-02-21T10:02:00.004-05:00

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to Purple Women & Friends

As a childfree woman who has been blessed with a fulfilling career, I have often been the subject of erroneous assumptions that I am choosing money and prestige over children. Anyone who knows me well enough to judge understands that my reasons for not having children are primarily spiritual and have nothing to do with my job. The whole “selfish” accusation is bored and tired, so I refuse to be bothered by the ignorance and close-mindedness of others.

However, I find it considerably more difficult to keep my cool when people take it one step further and imply that my childfree status somehow cheapens my accomplishments. I have nearly bitten a hole through my tongue as I’ve sat and listed to bitter co-workers imply that if I had kids like them and the playing field was level, I wouldn’t be more successful than anyone else.

What a pathetic concept. It’s just as bad as the runner who postures that he would’ve come in first place instead of second if his shoe hadn’t come untied.

Why on earth do some people think it’s okay to make their children convenient excuses for life’s disappointments?

And what does that do to the poor kids? I’m sure it can’t be good for the ol’ self esteem to hear Mom on the phone telling her pals that if it wasn’t for Junior here, that promotion would’ve been hers. It’s seriously sad.

I would never disparage any woman for taking a break from her career to focus on her children – it’s a decision I respect and can appreciate. However, I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for taking advantage of opportunities that arise in the meantime. The Corporate world is tough enough for women, and we only make it worse when we turn on each other.

Flickr photo by maxedaperture (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Influence of Culture

2008-02-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have been researching and writing about the childless by choice in North America for four years. One thing I have learned is many of us are pressured to have kids, or stigmatized because we don’t, because of the culture in which we live.

The culture may be a mixture of religion, race, family, or tradition, but the results are the same. Our decision making and our coping mechanisms are influenced by our culture.

I recently signed a book deal with Seal Press, a member of the Perseus Books Group, to write a book on the Childless by Choice in North America. Yesterday I was working on a chapter in which I profile couples who have arrived at their decision to remain childfree in very different ways. The couples I interviewed are a very diverse group. Some are children of immigrants from India and the Middle East, some are atheists, some are lapsed Catholics, some are devout Jews. Each of them has found their own unique way of navigating what is very often a pronatalist culture.

As a young black woman, how do you remain childfree in a culture where fathering a child is considered a critical rite of passage for most of the young males of your race? Do you date outside your race, do you remain single or celibate, or do you defend yourself by arming yourself with condoms and praying he knows how to use one, or by going to your doctor and begging for a tubal ligation?

If you are an observant Jew do you pass as infertile, do you isolate yourself, do you lie when asked why you haven’t done your part to produce a child for the tribe. The future of Israel is at stake!

It’s tough. So tough in fact that I have yet to meet an observant, orthodox Jewish woman who is intentionally childless, or a African American couple who remained childfree through a lasting, fertile marriage or partnership. I know they exist. They are out there, I’m sure of it. It’s just that I have not met them, even though I have worked and lived along side orthodox Jews and I have mentored young black women.

Fortunately, I have had the pleasure of knowing so many others, who despite being raised in a culture that assumed parenthood for all their members, became one of the few who resisted the pressure, based on a hard-won sense of who they were and what they truly wanted. (Click here for a short excerpt of a Mexican couple who did just that.)

The decision to remain childfree is not made in a vacuum. You may be caucasian, 5th generation American, atheist, and surrounded by childless and childfree siblings and friends, but you probably still had a parent who hoped for a grandchild one day; who said,

"You would be a good parent if you just put your mind to it."

[Flickr photo by Stephanie Booth - cc]
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Family Friendly

2008-02-17T11:17:00.000-05:00

As a Purple Woman, (hint: I am childfree) I consider myself both kid friendly and family friendly. The term family-friendly has been used is a synonym for kid-friendly. Have you noticed?

I just had to jot this funny down and share it with you. As my husband and I were traveling up north to go camping overnight, we passed a billboard sign that claimed a certain venue was the most "family-friendly" of it's kind. My husband, said "Well, I guess we don't need to stay there."

It sure isn't the way to target market to the childfree among us now is it? We are the ones that tend to travel in the less busy times, not during Spring Break for example. And, we don't have to wait for summer to plan our week-long holiday. Call it a perk.

Purple Women^TM will also appreciate the latest article by Married No Kids editor Kim Kenney, Kids at Concerts. Tell it like it is girl!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Environmental Motive

2008-02-08T18:39:00.001-05:00

Are we motivated by environmental concerns to remain childfree? Some of us are. The Daily Mail recently published an article titled:Meet The Women Who Won't Have Babies - Because They're Not Eco Friendly.

These women, living in the U.K., were compelled to seek sterilization to ensure they would never give birth to another consumer. They felt this was one thing they could do to help reduce their environmental footprint and save the planet.

Toni, 35, who works at an environmental charity, had to go doctor shopping to get sterilized at 27 years old. She did so with the full support of her soon-to-be husband and she has no regrets:
"Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population."

Not everyone can understand this rationale, as Toni came to realize: "a woman like me, who is not having children in order to save the planet, is considered barking mad."

So, are we nuts to point to environmental concerns to justify our choice to remain childfree?

Flickr photo by patty_colmer (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Animal Kingdom

2008-02-08T09:55:00.001-05:00

Purple Women^TM, Would you have attended a discussion described below?

"Like the rest of the animal kingdom, perhaps our only true purpose in life is to reproduce, and then devote our lives to the rearing of our offspring. Parenting is promoted by economists, church leaders and our own innate desires. But is there a dark side?

Jacques Costeau once said virtually every problem now facing humanity can be traced to over-population. Indeed, over-fishing, global warming, pollution, deforestation can all be attributed to too many people pursuing too few resources.

So, does the world need more children? And is having children yourself an act of selflessness, or selfishness? Come join this malthusian discussion on what it means to have children."

This topic was presented by the Commonwealth Club of San Francisco on Tuesday, February 5th, 7:00 p.m. If anyone reading this blog attended and would like to give us a review, it would be a most welcome Guest Post.

They did put up a blog post on their site, with a general overview of how the debate went: This House Believes it's Selfish to Have Children. Not so surprising given our liberal-minded corner of the U.S.

Flickr photo by hi_dr_rat (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Catholic - Revisted

2008-02-08T09:03:00.000-05:00

I was reminded that we just may be doing something important here, by way of sharing stories, experiences, and information, when I re-read the thoughtful comments on an older post. Even though I published it months ago, it just got a new comment this week. The topic is still valid.

Here is one in particular by Coffeine that stood out for me:

"An update and shout-out to Teri and WordWench. I recently, after 29 years and my last post, parted ways with the Catholic Church, as it was getting in the way of my relationship with God.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it was the right thing to do. The dogma, politics and female-repressiveness just became too much. Especially when, in an effort to find some sort of counsel, I approached several priests, including my parish priest, with my "childfree by choice" stance, questioning the free will and internal conscience in the eyes of the Church and God.

Apparently, in the eyes of the Church, those reasons --internal conscience, knowing yourself -- are not good enough. One priest said that he doubted the validity of my marriage in the Church, because I married knowing I might not want children and he even suggested annulment.

I had the "Be fruitful and multiply" line tossed out at me on several occasions, with no one viewing it as a possible blessing rather than a command to breed. I left the Church and its man-obsessed dogma and took God with me. I have never felt closer to the Holy Spirit and able to focus fully on God in my own way.

God and the Church are two entirely different entities from one another, moving in two different directions. In my parting ways from the Church,

I too, have just started a childfree, recovering Catholic blog, Crafting the Schism - Finding God Outside the Catholic Churchianity.

Thank you, Purple Women, for leading the charge and putting this topic up for discussion. God Bless!"

Purple Women^TM -- we learn from each other.

Read all the comments: Married Childfree Catholic. I want to thank everyone who commented on this difficult and personal topic. I very much appreciate the elevated level of the conversation on this post. Together, we have created a safe space to explore the sometimes volatile topic of being a woman and being childfree.

Flickr Photo courtesy of Nina`H (cc).
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Never Be Bingoed Again

2008-01-28T12:37:00.001-05:00

Purple Women^TM always need some extra social ammo when getting bingoed in public and in social settings. Britgirl has an excellent compilation post this week: The Childfree Bingoes - Revisited.

She is a Brit living in Toronto. I am pleased to tell you I know her personally!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Something Seasonal

2008-01-28T10:26:00.001-05:00

I have been half-starting blog posts in my head for three weeks now. You may have wondered if I was ever going to write again. I have not been feeling very childfree lately. I've been under the weather, and let me tell you, we are having some weather right now in California -- okay, okay, just a little rain!

I think that from the time I started this blog to present day I have been on an evolution of Self. I have come to terms with that part of myself that is very obvious to everyone who meets me. I am a woman without children. It makes people wonder. I take time to get to know. I did a lot of reading (see our compilation post on all the childfree genre book reviews) during this time. I suspect that turning 40 was a bigger deal that I was willing to admit at the time.

I suspect that every woman who remains childfree, for whatever reason, will go through a similar transformation. Those who choose this path early, often called early articulators, will have a different story. We all do. This is one area one does not want to make assumptions, yet people often do. I am acutely aware of how different my life is compared to most childed women around me. It was not easy in my thirties, let's call them the early married years. There were expectations then; I am decidedly outside of the mainstream in my family choices. Being childfree is reflected in almost every aspect of my life, some parts are simply more visible than others. Now I am hanging out with women whose children are grown.

("Write something seasonal Teri -- write something!") We celebrated Christmas our way this year. Mostly, we have shuttled from family home to family home since we've been married. It was nice to be in our home for a change. We hosted close friends, a couple from Atlanta, my adopted Italian grandma, and an old high school chum. It made for some interesting conversation in the kitchen and at the dinner table. We went for a hike, laughed and told old stories to new listeners. It's not all about the kids for us. Our tree was an outdoor tree with colored lights and the good decorations stayed in the box this year. The halls were decked minimally and I am still trying to put all of it away. I didn't wrap a single gift. The gifts where stacked in the hallway, in the brown UPS boxes they came in, labeled "to" and "from". We splurged on our home-cooked food and focused on our guests.

As we approach Valentine's Day I've been reflecting on the fact that we have not planned anything, and I cannot remember the last time we took a week-long vacation together. Trying to figure out how to celebrate our 10th anniversary this year has been torturous. We've always been more of a "weekend-get-away" couple. Our spontaneity sometimes gets in the way of proper social planning. It is a real challenge for us. Not unlike our childed counterparts, we find many demands on our time. Perhaps demand is too strong a word. A child's schedule is demanding; we feel pulled in many directions. We have the family "must attend" functions, and we have hobbies and seasons to our lives. For my husband it is hunting season, deer and duck. For me it is opera season, and the two months up to a performance are busy indeed now that I have joined the "working board" of the local company. I have always been one to make commitments as a volunteer. It connects me to my community, wherever I happen to be. If I was there for more than a year, I was volunteering. For me, it is part social strategy. Volunteering is a great way to make new friends and feel significant. You matter when you are a volunteer.

Although we have no plans for Valentine's Day, I feel we have more than a little romance in our relationship. It has been a long time since we have had a long weekend, or a non-work related trip. We have uninterrupted dinners together almost every night, sometimes I even light candles. On weekends, we read the paper to each other over brunch. We say "please" and "thank you" and "I love you" often. We have every day romance. I don't mind that my husband may be away on a business trip on February 14th. We still hold hands in public.

I realized that today, compared to when I started this blog, I am in a different emotional place. Last weekend, I was invited to cake and coffee at our neighbor's house. I had not yet met the neighbors across the street and was pleased to know they would be coming too. Both of them, as it turns out, are retired school teachers. The first comment the wife made, after the obligatory "nice to finally meet you," was "I haven't seen any children." I simply confirmed, "We don't have children," and let it hang a moment as if it needed no explanation. Luckily, we had plenty of other things to talk about. "How do you keep gophers out of a garden?" "Will the city allow you to re-open the strawberry patch ?" A rousing conversation of gardening and local politics ensued.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Celebrity Baby Mania

2008-01-22T13:36:00.001-05:00

By LynnS
Regular Contributor
Ireland, U.K.

. . .and What it Means for Childfree Women

Okay, Purple Women^TM . . .I have a challenge for you! Open any newspaper or magazine, browse any Internet gossip site. See if you can find any articles, interviews or pictures regarding celebrity moms and their pregnancies or babies.

That wasn't much of a challenge at all, was it?

We live in a celebrity-obsessed culture, no doubt about that. So is this fascination with celebrity babies a harmless offshoot? Or is there a more disturbing implication? And what does it mean for childfree women?

Articles about who's "infanticipating" and "yummy mummies" abound. We're bombarded by up-to-the-minute reports about every single detail of celebrity reproduction, no matter how trivial or boring or personal: weight gain, pregnancy cravings, who's trying for a baby, who may be pregnant, who was "too posh to push" and who wasn't.

My head will explode if I have to read another gushing article along the lines of "Motherhood is the best thing that's ever happened to me/it's the most unconditional love you'll ever feel/I loved being pregnant/I was wearing my size zero jeans three weeks later/I cycled home after the birth," etc. (Okay, so I exaggerated the last part but at the rate things are going, it wouldn't shock me).

So why does this obsession with celebrity pregnancies and babies bother me so much? Shouldn't I just dismiss it as superficial-yet-harmless fluff? Can't I tell myself it doesn't affect me and forget about it?

Except it isn't harmless. And it's a fantasy that's portrayed as reality - with insidious, far reaching consequences. I'm willing to bet that the average woman's experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood is a million miles away from the way it's portrayed in glossy magazines.

How many times have you read an article speculating as to whether or not a female celebrity is pregnant? The speculation seems almost frenzied if the woman does not have children. It never seems to occur to anyone that maybe said celebrity is perfectly happy and likes her life just the way it is.

How many times have you read an article referring to a female celebrity, no matter how successful and significant in her field, as mother of (insert number of children here).

As if that is all she is. As if that is all that matters. As if woman automatically equals mother.

The underlying message seems to be: it doesn't matter how successful you've been. Life has no real meaning or value unless you reproduce. You'll never be truly happy or fulfilled until you do. Oscar-winning actress? Nobel Prize winner? Astronaut? CEO of a Fortune 500 company? That pales in comparison to what society considers your real worth, your greatest achievement: your ability and willingness to reproduce.

In 2008, is the most interesting, worthwhile, laudable thing about a woman her womb? And that is what I find so disturbing.

This has implications for childfree women, too. Most Purple Women^TM know what it's like to feel isolated from time to time. Chances are, we've all thought "Am I the only woman in the world who doesn't want children?" when yet another friend/relative/colleague announces their pregnancy. We've all probably found ourselves in work and social situations where we're the only women in the room who don't have or want children.

Most Purple Women^TM know what it's like to feel dismissed or belittled from time to time. The myth that a childfree woman is less mature and less responsible, less feminine even, than a childed woman persists. All this celebrity baby mania means that a childfree woman is isolated and dismissed even further.

I'm stating the obvious, I know, but Purple Women^TM are savvy enough to understand that motherhood has always been romanticized. The thing is, motherhood is practically a fetish now and that should concern us, because there's something frighteningly regressive about it.

It's very worrying that this celebrity baby mania/mother worship is happening now - at a time when women's reproductive rights are coming under increased attack on a global basis.

Coincidence? I think not.

So what can we do?

First, I think that we can take a step in the right direction simply by casting an objective eye over the portrayal of celebrity motherhood/celebrity baby obsession. Let's recognize it for what it is: idealized fantasy. We are not media dupes, after all.

The harsh reality of what pregnancy, birth and motherhood can do to a woman's mind and body is not what sells magazines. Most of the general public are not interested in that - they want and expect the Hallmark card, not the real thing.

So the next time you come across a "Kodak moment" article or picture tell yourself that it's exactly that.

We can remind ourselves that giving birth does not mean you will become automatically whole and wise and instantly adjust to the role of mother.
Happiness and satisfaction will not be achieved by caving to societal pressure.
Happiness and satisfaction will be achieved by staying true to ourselves.

Then again, if you're a Purple Woman, you already know that.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

A week with a five year old

2008-01-09T16:27:00.000-05:00

One of my very best friends, her partner, and their five-year-old son visited last week. I looked forward to giving the little boy a few swimming lessons, teaching him a thing or two about or regional wildlife. Instead, he taught me a few things, like:

Food and drink can only be enjoyed if it is slurped or crunched loudly.

Kids can enjoy salads for lunch but only if they’ve never seen the inside of a McDonalds.

One of the most fearsome creatures that ever roamed the earth was a giant sloth.

I don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to penguins.

Manipulation is an art form.

Santa sucks.

And, I am definitely NOT smarter than a five year old.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Flip Side

2008-01-04T11:20:00.000-05:00

By LynnS
Regular Contributor
Ireland, U.K.

Several years ago, I had a conversation with a young woman on a train that I've never forgotten. We began chatting in that curiously intimate way strangers sometimes do when traveling. It wasn't the happiest time of my life - I was getting over an engagement that I'd broken but that didn't make it any easier. There were quite a few reasons for the break up: for one, I simply wasn't ready to marry. I'd noticed a controlling, jealous streak in him that worried me. Back then, I didn't know who I was. (In fact, I would reach my 30s before I did). There was one reason, though, that set the seal on my decision to call it off:

I had always known I never wanted children and I had made that clear to him.

He would make patronizing remarks like "you'll change your mind when you're older" despite my repeated insistence that I wouldn't. He couldn't seem to wrap his head round the fact that I had not the slightest desire to reproduce.

I wasn't prepared to compromise. I definitely wasn't prepared to spend my life with someone who would disregard my feelings and who seemed more interested in going along with society's expectations than examining the reasons why he wanted children. So I called the engagement off. Shortly afterwards, I got chatting to this young woman who I'll refer to as K.

K had a two-year-old daughter, despite the fact that she'd never wanted children. She told me that she'd, quote "caved in" unquote and had a child. Her husband and her mother pressured her and society had done the rest. K knew almost immediately she'd made a mistake. She hated being pregnant and said that she didn't appreciate how her body was her own until then. The thought of giving birth terrified her. When her daughter was born, everyone was delighted - except her. "I felt nothing towards her. She didn't even feel like mine. I thought it was the baby blues and it'd get better but I still feel detached from her two years on."

I told K that I never wanted children. K was supportive of my choice and said it was an equally valid one and should be respected. (If the term 'childfree' was around then, I hadn't heard of it).She freely admitted she envied me and warned me to stick to my guns and "not to give in to pressure like I did. If I could turn back the clock, I would." K felt that nobody ever tells women the truth about motherhood.

She told me that she felt she no longer had an identity or independence. Her husband, especially, did not seem to view her as an equal partner or a person in her own right.

K went through the motions of caring for her daughter, saying "I put up a good front but I feel like I'm living a lie."

Listening to her, I felt sad and angry. She succumbed to pressure, yes, but how unfair that that massive pressure was placed on her in the first place. I sensed she was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and shame and probably had no one to confide in. I think she was able to talk so openly and honestly with me because she knew I would not judge her. I hope I was able to help a little.

This is the flip side of the coin we never hear about, I remember thinking. K seemed to feel so alone but I bet she's not.

We got off the train and said goodbye. I never did see her again. I've thought about her from time to time and wondered how she's doing.

I'm grateful we met, though. I'd been second-guessing myself about my broken engagement and I'd been feeling irrationally guilty for refusing to have children. Meeting K cleansed me of that. Whenever I'm bingoed, I remember her because I know if I'd gone with the societal flow I'd be walking in her shoes.

I'm convinced we met for a reason. I learned an invaluable lesson that day.

Listen to your instincts. If you're in any doubt about having children - don't.

Flickr photo by Malingering (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Do I Want to Be a Mom?

2008-01-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

A simple question right? For this generation, maybe so.

But for our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers, it is quite likely this question never crossed their minds.

This reality was brought home to me in a casual conversation with my mother over this holiday week. We were remembering my grandmother who passed away roughly ten years ago. Born in Poland, she was a very strong and determined woman who survived wars, near starvation, and the loss of her family home and business.

My mother lamented that at my grandmother’s funeral people stood up and spoke mainly about my grandmother’s devotion to the church and family. A woman who knew her as a much younger woman was not able to speak that day. If she had, she would have told the assembled crowd about a woman who was an accomplished horsewoman, a woman who ran the family business in her early teens while her ailing mother barked orders from her sickbed, a woman who used her smarts and her powerful determination to navigate through the worst atrocities of World War II.

My mother, acknowledging the whole spectrum of her own mother’s experience and personality, remarked, “If she would have been born in today's world she would have been childless and running her own business.”

My grandmother was born close to a hundred years ago. She had eight children.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Common Ground

2007-12-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

Purple Women^TM new to this blog and parents alike may be surprised at its tone when they first discover it. We have been blogging on a controversial topic of "being a childfree woman" for going on three years now. It's a topic that draws extreme points of view on a very personal and sometimes controversial choice, to child or not to child. We explore the topic with tact, reason and some grace and we hope it supports and enlightens those who land here. All are welcome, that's why we call it Purple Women & Friends.

It's perhaps too easy to focus on what separates us.

Women empower themselves by acknowledging their choice to remain childfree, regardless of what circumstances, or at what age they make the choice. As time goes on we realize we must arm ourselves against the thoughtless comments of others, and sometimes our own family. If we are really skilled, we develop a sense of humor about it (I truly believe it's the best defense of a lifestyle choice that should need no defending.)

As our friends have kids, we have to change our expectations about those friendships and put some thought into the structure of our social life, one that will not revolve around the school year, unless we enroll, or become an educator ourselves.

Parents deserve our respect, support and understanding. Sometimes they just need a "wider berth" to get through the difficult years with younger children. Have patience Purple Women^TM, because it's really fun to reconnect with parents who have older kids. They are ready to socialize and have some adult fun again. They have served their time, focused on their kids and now they are ready to explore who they are again. People really connect on their common interests, not their family status, though parents of young kids are in a totally different social state.

My husband and I moved to his home town in Northern California one year ago. I'll admit, I was a little nervous about being back in mainstream suburbia, (read my post about it: Purple Haze) but things are really working out okay. I started a No Kidding chapter for my area and have also made a lot of friends by getting involved with the local opera company. We just hosted our first ever holiday party combining these two groups of friends in our new home and we were very pleased that our mix of interesting, artsy childed and childfree friends found each other so fascinating. It left me with the feeling that really we have more in common than not. It's perhaps too easy to focus on what separates us.

The childfree path is the one we walk, but we are not alone, there are lots of potential friends along the way and they are not all childfree. On this topic, I would like to turn your attention to a beautiful post written by AlphaGirl about her best friend and mother of three grown kids: Maria. It is buried in the archives, and one of our best contributions. Please take a moment to read it.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Another Tip on How to Survive the Question

2007-12-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

I always love it when someone new discovers our blog. A new Purple Women^TM reader blogging as Longing for Home has left a new comment on our post titled "Top Ten Tips":

I know this is an old post but I just found your site...I'd love to use this response, but I doubt my sarcasm would be appreciated:

"We're planning on starting on kids when the padded, sound-proofed nursery is ready and we've finished interviewing nannies. Do you have any leads?"

Thanks for sharing. This is L.O.L.!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Oh, Just Grow Up!

2007-12-19T17:02:00.000-05:00

People have told me I’m 'young at heart' and I take it as a compliment. But according to Albert Mohler, President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, it’s a moral flaw.

When the media needs a quote from someone inclined to denounce the choice to remain childfree, they go to Mohler. Two years ago Dr. Mohler appeared on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360˚ in a debate with Madelyn Cain, author of The Childless Revolution, following a video segment of people talking about their reasons for remaining childless, including one childfree woman who was working as a nanny.

In the debate, moderated by CNN correspondent Heidi Collins, Mohler had this to say:

MOHLER:…this is really about avoiding the responsibilities of parenthood. And I find that profoundly sad. You know, obviously, there is a tremendous moral point to be made here. These couples -- well, they have to be very thankful that their parents didn't make the same decision. And society depends upon parenthood and the raising of children being seen as a norm for married couples and as something that is of social value.

COLLINS: But, Albert, isn't it -- pardon the interruption. Isn't it dangerous to assume that everyone can be a good parent?

MOHLER: Well, you know, I think what is more dangerous is to assume that we're going to say that people can be adults, and be recognized as responsible adults, who don't even aspire to grow up, to be mature enough to have children. I mean, parenthood is a part of helping to create adults. We grow up by having our children. Without that responsibility we have a generation of perpetual adolescents, just growing old.

Click here for the full transcript of this show.

Mohler’s not the only one who believes we need to have a kid or two to "be recognized as responsible adults." As Laura C pointed out in her post on Child-free.com, policy wonks and social scientists are struggling with the fact that the three steps to adulthood—employment, marriage, and procreation—are increasingly being delayed in the United States, forcing a reassessment of what were previously considered the normative milestones to adulthood.

So what happens when you skip the having kids part?

You tell us!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

An Unlikely Childfree Zone

2007-12-18T21:55:00.001-05:00

by Shelley
Regular Contributor

Just when you thought there was nowhere left to escape the kindergarten crowd, there’s one place that’s drawing the line between where children do and do not belong. And believe it or not, it’s a church.

That’s right – NewSpring Church in Anderson, South Carolina does not allow children under the age of 11 to attend its worship services. How did the church come to enact this policy? In a post, titled What – No Kids in the Worship Service? – Part Two, (June 14, 2005) on his widely read blog (Perry Noble.com) Pastor Noble explains:

“I realized that when it comes to kids in the service that the pastor is in a no win situation. If they cause a disruption and we address it then some will consider us mean. If we let it go unnoticed then others will consider us to be passive.

So our team…finally decided that our church was going to strive to provide a distraction free worship environment for adults and a creative, relevant environment for kids–that way everyone wins.”

“But wait a minute,” you might say. “Didn’t Jesus say to let the children come to him?” Noble writes:

“I once had a father yell at me over the telephone, ‘Jesus said bring the little children unto me.’ I completed the verse for him and said, ‘and do not hinder them’. It is my belief that by taking a child and placing them in an environment where they are not engaged in a way that they can understand that they are being hindered. That is why we refuse to hinder kid’s spiritual development by asking them to surrender an hour of their life to boredom.”

Additionally, Noble has no tolerance for parents who assert that it’s important for children to see how Mommy and Daddy behave in church:

“It is my conviction that you have Monday through Saturday to worship God as a family. If you are not being a true worshipper on Monday through Saturday and then you try to come to church and fake it on Sunday then I promise that your child does not view you as a spiritual giant–but rather a hypocrite who is leading by example that it is ok to live one way inside the walls of the church and another way outside the walls.”

So, in today’s parent-dominated society, how has NewSpring been rewarded for bucking convention? Approximately 4000 people attend services each Sunday, and it was recently named the 21st Most Influential Church in America. I think it just goes to show what Purple Women^TM already know – where children are concerned, some traditions deserve a second look.

Flickr photo by criana (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

In the Company of Men

2007-12-12T14:22:00.000-05:00

I started a scriptwriters group a number of years ago. We meet once a month to critique each other’s work and offer support and to enjoy the camraderie.

I walked into last nights meeting and found I was the only female in the group. We talked about the new generation of video cameras, our recent travels, and how we might share our work online. We critiqued one of the member’s musical numbers and we caught up with each other, exchanging news, advice, and ideas.

It was just like a meeting I might have had with my other writers group, a nonfiction group composed entirely of women, except that the subject of children never came up.

That got me thinking. The men I hang around with (most of whom have grown children) don’t spend much time talking about their kids, yet the women do, even long after the kids have left the nest.

Is it a gender identity thing? Given that most of the women I know took on the bulk of the child-rearing tasks, is it more difficult for them to make the transistion from parent to empty-nester than it is for their husbands?

I don’t know. However, it appears, based on some of my recent social interactions with empty-nester women, they are more likely than their husbands to continue to initiate and forge social connections by bringing their kids and grandkids into the conversation.

Where does that leave me, the childfree woman? Talking about the nephews, and the grandniece, I confess. Guilty as charged.

Or, more often, drifting off to join the cluster of men in the room, the ones talking about movies, golf, and politics.

Flickr Photo by JennsJournal cc
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Dog Ready?

2007-12-06T06:00:00.000-05:00

The childfree are supposedly pet-friendly. We all have pets as substitute children, right? Maybe not.

My husband and I have been talking about getting a dog for a year now. We finally have a house with a yard. It truly seems the perfect setting. Lots of room to roam, except for the poisonous plants that the previous owner planted, it seems ideal for a pooch or two. I have read that a puppy will put anything in its mouth, not unlike a toddler. I am loath to even think about pulling out the well-established hydrangeas, camellias and azaleas. Yes, all those lovely plants are poisonous to dogs.

Since puppies are a lot of work, we thought we'd have a starter dog and adopt one from a local shelter. Of course, we'd want two dogs eventually as they would keep each other company when we were not around, and, as the thinking goes, how much more work could two be if you are already taking one for a walk?

A dog-owner reading this post might think that last sentiment sounds naive. My betrothed and I are both working full-time, and right now we are having a hard time just keeping our chickens happy and well-adjusted. With the shortened daylight hours, they are not getting to forage outside the coup as much. Egg production has been greatly reduced. The birds are a little stressed by the change. They make a racket in the morning trying to get me to let them out. Honestly, who needs a rooster when four hens can be that loud? They lay eggs regardless, and yes, fresh eggs are fabulous, but they do not give adoration and affection like a "man's best friend."

We learned from talking to our dog owner friends, that adopting a dog is not so easy. You have to pass a test. One of the questions is, "Do you plan to let your dog sleep in the house?" If you answer is "no", then no dog for you. Apparently, with these rescue organizations it's their way or the highway. When we think this one through, it's a pretty big pill to swallow. Both of us grew up with dogs when dogs slept outside.

With all the poisonous plant, free-time issues we already have, the "where does your dog sleep" question seems like a deal-breaker. Lately, we've come to realize that we are not ready for a dog. It just wouldn't be fair, plus our cats would be mortified if we brought a dog in the house. They tend to "express" themselves on the carpet when they are not pleased. Maybe when we retire, but, then we'd want to travel.

I suspect my friend and co-Contributing Editor, LauraS, will be smiling and nodding her head as she reads this. See why in this post: Meet LauraS.

[Photo: Buttercup, Rosie, Sally and Brenda in the background.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

CF eZine December Issue

2007-12-05T10:30:00.000-05:00

Both of our Contributing Editors at Purple Women^TM have written for this online magazine targeted toward a childfree audience especially. I really hope they make it to a second year.

Why not take a look at the December 2007 issue of Unscripted: A Childfree Life, that was just published?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

PW Button Links

2007-12-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

Here are some Purple Women^TM buttons (they should also be links) to wear on your own blogs as promised. My favorite is the one with the catty sunglasses as I think it is easiest to read, but I didn't see any reason not to offer all three.

BTW, how are you doing in your holiday planning? What's your strategy? Family, friends, parties?

Are you armed with some good come backs when you get asked The Question? If you are planning to go to an office holiday party or other such affair unarmed, I suggest you read this post first:

Top Ten Responses to "Do You Have Children?"

Cheers & Happy Holidays,

Teri Tith
Creator & Contributing Editor
Purple Women & Friends
(where the childfree women are)

P.S. I will send you the GIF file for the images above if you send me an email.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Raising the Girls

2007-12-03T19:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, I’ve never breast fed, haven’t even lactated. So the girls are pretty much what the guys with vasectomies might call sport models.

However, I can identify with moms like Patricia Heaton, the actress who played the Ray’s wife Debra in the TV comedy Everyone Loves Raymond. She did breast feed. She has five kids. She had cosmetic breast surgery because, as she once said, she had to become adept at origami to get her boobs into a bra. I’m younger than Heaton by a few years. I’m not ready to go under the knife, but gravity has become the enemy. I practically have to go into downward dog pose to get into the iron maiden the bra manufacturers call "the underwire."

So I have to give shout out to Belinda Luscombe who made a plea to billionaire entrepreneur Warren Buffett to build a better bra. Her entreaty was published in Time Magazine’s Nov 12th edition, which also featured the best inventions of 2007.

I saw the irony. If we can build a robot that will lift a beer out of the fridge and fling it to the slug/football fan in the LazyBoy, surely we can build a better bra?

Luscombe pointed out that cup sizes were invented 80 years ago and haven’t been modified much beyond the first four letters of the alphabet. Nordstroms and Victoria Secret expert bra fitters take only two measurements to determine our bra size. Luscombe noted that a team of Hong Kong researchers took 98 measurements in their effort to explore the breast sizes and shapes of Chinese women. The Chinese win, again.

But we have the technology. If Levis can do custom fit, laser cut jeans, North American women can get a bra that fits. We just need someone with leadership, someone with money, someone with a history of investment in the undergarment industry. Someone with man boobs—someone who can share our pain.

Warren, where are you?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The "No Kids" Household

2007-11-26T11:57:00.000-05:00

This week Time Magazine published some interesting statistics in a special report titled "America by the Numbers."

According to the stats, there are 31.4 million married couples with no children at home, outnumbering the 24.2 million married couples with children under eighteen. To be clear, the first figure includes empty nesters, but if you add the 8 million single households with no kids, that makes close to forty million U.S. "No Kids" households.

So why is it everytime I turn on the news, the top story is "What can I buy little Johnny for Christmas this year if I can’t buy Chinese toys?" or "What can parents do for a sick child now that cough syrup is not recommended for children under six?"

I guess we know what heads of households with children are doing: Worrying about lead paint and cold remedies.

What are "no kids" households doing? Sleeping peacefully, and longer.

"13 Percent of parents slept with their infants in 2000, up from 5.5 in 1993." According to the Time stats, these kids sleep one hour less each night then kids did 30 years ago.

Whether you sleep well or not usually depends on whom you are sleeping with. Since 67 percent of Americans share their bed with another person or a pet, we may be able to blame our lack of sleep on our baby (both the two-legged and four-legged variety).

Households with no kids are likely to have more disposable income than do households with kids. The latest estimates say it will cost close to 300,000 to raise the average American kid to the age of 17 (college costs excluded). So what are we doing with all that money? Travel, luxury goods?

According to a Canadian study, we are buying books; households without children make 64 percent of new book buys. We are also buying hybrid cars; according to a survey conducted by Vertis Communications, 58 percent of hybrid shoppers are childless/childfree.

But on sleep we can all agree. Of all the childed and unchilded households in the United States, 17 percent spent as much on their mattress than they did on their last vacation.

What’s your sleep number?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Review: The Crowd You're In With

2007-11-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

I think a better name for this play is: You are Your Peers.

Rebecca Gilman’s play will be with me a long time, but it will only be at the Magic Theatre in San Francisco through December 9th. Like a good book or a really excellent film, a powerful artistic work that moved at least one audience members to tears, it will be with me a long time.

The setting: a backyard BBQ. The dialogue centers around family planning and family choice. I remember writing about my own backyard experience in this post: The Question. I had no idea that such an interaction could be turned into a stage play.

The main characters in this play are one pregnant couple, one not-pregnant-yet couple, and the landlady and her lord, and you guessed it, they are a childfree couple. Let me just say the odd couple didn’t mix so well. The BBQ is a total disaster.

I think the scene, one long act that will keep you riveted to your seat for 80 minutes, is a bit extreme, the treatment of the childfree couple was not at all far from reality. Close enough to the mark; we are all easy marks because we are living such non-traditional lives, to be uncomfortable. I casually mentioned to one of the ushers at the theater that my childfree group attended the play and that “we get that kind of reaction all the time” her reaction was cool and not at all sympathetic. She probably thought I was as freakish as the stage characters thought of their childfree counterparts.

I met a woman who teaches art classes in a studio adjacent to the theatre and she said, in an unrelated conversation as we were mingling in the lobby area prior to the show, “No tolerance is actually a form of intolerance.” That applies to so many things.

The Purple Woman portrayed on stage was particularly vilified. I think the writer took it a bit to the extreme, perhaps to make a point, but I couldn’t help wondering how the childed vs. the parents in the audience were reacting to the scene. I remember, at one point, I was agreeing whole-heartedly with the dialogue on stage and a woman in front of me was shaking her head in sympathetic scorn.

Ms. Gilman did Purple Men a favor by focusing on their ability to make a conscious choice about becoming a parent. Our society focuses on women so much, possibly because we are the ones who actually get pregnant. Men have revealed that they feel pushed aside in the equation as the mere sperm donor who will just go along for the ride, as if they are not part of the decision. “Oh once your child is born….fill-in the blank reason,” to pacify the unsure male.

In the middle of the act, thank goodness for the single friend who drops by with a cheap six-pack of beer, as he provides much needed humor. His jokes about waiting on tables with parents and young children had everyone laughing heartily. Who knew Cheerios are just for tossing and not for eating? His arrival and delivery were perfectly timed.

This morning I was reading the morning paper about how whaling how international pressure has greatly impacted a small Japanese town’s traditional catch. I was surprised to learn that it was the Americans after WWII, who encouraged whales as a food source. Now we, as leaders in the world (bullies to some), and the international community have changed our minds. A spokesperson for the small whaling town of Taiji pointed out, “They just completely reject people whose thinking isn’t the same as theirs.” This reminded me of the kind of interactions that the childfree often have with parents and perfect strangers.

The Magic Theatre has a run of 25 shows for The Crowd You’re In With. I plan to go back for one of the Friday evening performances because the writer and director come out to talk with the audience, and more than anything, after seeing something like that, you want to talk about it. I am very grateful to Nicole, the promoter of the show, for a couple of reasons. First, she had the savvy to contact me, as the leader of a childfree social club, to promote the show to our members. Moreover, she arranged for members of my club to have a special ticket price at a $7.00 reduction. This marks the first time I have ever had a discount on anything for being childfree.

I will be thinking about this play for days if not weeks, and the more I think about it , the more title of the play seems perfect to me. It alludes to the kind of “group think” mentality that I suspect is often the basis for starting a family with children.

Rebecca Gilman is a Pulitzer-prize nominated play write. I hope she wins big for this one.

Update to post: Read Robert Hurwitt's review in today's San Francisco Chronicle.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

A Legacy for the Childfree?

2007-11-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine posed an interesting question to me over dinner a few nights ago: Do the childless by choice think, or do, more about about leaving a legacy because they don’t have kids?

Her parents felt that their legacy, or their purpose, was to give their kids a better future and more opportunities than they had. Parents by virture of procreation leave a legacy. So what about the childless and childfree?

This question comes up a lot when I talk about the childless and childfree. My response to her was: "It depends on how you define legacy? Is it genes, philanthropy, creative contributions, good works? Do we even care if we leave a lasting legacy, or do we focus solely on the here and now?

Personally, I do think about leaving a legacy. I hope my volunteer efforts will benefit the next generation. I hope something I have written will encourage someone to expand his or her thinking on a topic. I hope there is something left after I pay for eldercare so I can leave something to charity. But there are no guarantees.

Earlier that evening, this friend had thanked me because that week, for the first time in her thirty-some years, when asked if she had kids, she had felt empowered to respond: No, I’m childless by choice.

To me, that was enough. That’s my legacy.

What about you? Do you think about your legacy? Does it matter?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Shoulds and Shouldn'ts

2007-11-17T10:25:00.000-05:00

Guest Post by
SteffO
Purple Woman & Mental Health Advocate
Gainseville, Florida
Quird.com

I have a mental illness.

There. I said it, got it out of the way. It's relevant to Purple Women^TM, though, because being mentally ill puts me in a category all its own -- society thinks I shouldn't have children.

Back in the early part of the 20th century, thousands of women with brain disorders (including the non-disease "hysteria", a label slapped on some women who didn't meekly obey her menfolk) were given involuntary hysterectomies because it was thought such women shouldn't breed. While the eugenics programs are done and buried, the mindset still persists
among many doctors.

I've been wanting a tubal ligation since I was fourteen or so, although I've never had the money to follow through. I've brought it up with various doctors, though, and the response is always the same. Their first reaction is the one most childfree women get -- "You'll change your mind when you're older." But then they find out that I have a mental illness, and suddenly they can't wait to schedule the surgery for me.

I don't want children, and never have. I'm lucky that I feel this way, though, because pregnancy and motherhood would be very hard on my mental stability. Yes, I could have a kid if I really wanted to, but I'd have to do it under a doctor's close supervision, and I'd have a lot of issues that other women don't have to deal with.

Lots of women with mental illnesses -- including both my sisters -- make great mothers. They each have a daughter, and my middle sister has a son on the way. Having a brain disorder does not automatically make a person a bad parent. There is medication. There is therapy. There are support groups.

You should value your ability to choose, whether society wants you to have children or not.

A hundred years ago I wouldn't have had a choice. I can't ever forget that. And neither should you.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meet SteffO

2007-11-17T10:18:00.000-05:00

Purple Women^TM have really come out of the woodwork this week -- um, or should I say closet? I was so pleased to correspond with several childfree women by email. I encouraged SteffO to elevate our dialogue and contribute the next post.

Her topic is unique, though her situation may not be.

Steff Osborne, 31, lives in Gainesville, Florida, and is a counselor and activist in the local mental health community.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Count Every Day

2007-11-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you my fellow Purple Sistahs for your generous comments (they truly are gifts!), and for your willingness to take on our proposed topic on your own blogs. This is just one topic of many that we face. This is a good beginning.

Let's do this again, with a different topic in January. My thanks to Tanya for a clever work-around to share the button link graphic code on the front page here:

< target="_blank" href="http://purplewomenblog.blogspot.com/" title="Purple Women & Friends Blogroll">
< border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5131592579227145730" alt="" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_7jhyF7Pep6E/RzcUQzDdVgI/AAAAAAAAAhg/-JF0TDnKNzs/s400/Button+for+Sidebar+Purple+Women.jpg">< /a>< style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51);" width="80" height="15">< language="javascript" src="YOUR BLOGROLL URL" type="text/javascript">< /script >< /span >

[Instructions: Just cut and paste, and to make the HTML magic happen you must remove the spaces in next to these < > brackets. Removing the spaces in this string of code will fix it and allow it to appear properly in your sidebar! When I have the PW Blogroll of Honor ready to go, we will simply insert the URL where it says "YOUR BLOGROLL URL". Ta da!]

I really hope this works, or I will not be able to keep up with the activity, our very own PW movement!Please consider attending BlogHer's 4th Annual Conference in summer 2008, which happens to fall on my birthday. Meeting you in person would be the best present ever! I have been encouraged by BlogHer to coordinate a panel on childfree women bloggers. The brave women who join me up there will need your support from the audience. We have an opportunity to carve our own niche. You have already helped by putting up your posts for Purple Women Count Day.

To M's point, we have more in common with these women than not, (blog hoes?), and there is much to be learned by coming together and finding the common ground. When I attended in 2006, I came away with a profound respect for the women I met. It was a high level of exchange.

I have posted on the topic of childfree women identifying themselves on BlogHer's site. Please take a peek, Childfree Women Bloggers, and leave a comment there, so the women on their board know we are out here. Heck, there may be an invisible Purple Woman or two in their midst!

Purple Women^TM, let us no longer be invisible, whether online or in our families, social circles or communities.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Get Bloggy on November 15

2007-11-15T09:31:00.000-05:00

Purple Women^TM Count, and they blog about it. Thanks to the following childfree women who put up leading posts and helped me get the word out about our staged online event:

BritGirl Childfree and Invisible

Philadelphia Bunnyface Not as Purple as I Should Be

M Are the Childfree Invisible in our Society?

Shelley End of Tunnel: Purple Women Count

The articles above are great commentary. They are long and well thought out, so get your cup of tea or coffee and pull up a chair.

M points out that in the end, we really have more in common than not, and perhaps that's what we should focus on.
Philly Bunny talks about the pain of family pressure and why she does not like to reveal that she is childless by choice.
BritGirl puts a fine point on just how excluded we are, and explores whether or not we represent a true social movement. (She also does a follow-up post, see links below.)
Shelley, a Regular Contributor at PW&F, explains why she would prefer to read childfree women bloggers...and where are they anyway?

Your comments would be most appreciated on their posts. That's the beauty of the blogosphere. It's all about the dialogue!

Big news, we have their attention my fellow Purple Women:

I contacted the organizers of BlogHer's 2008 Convention to be held in Chicago and suggested they consider having a panel of childfree women bloggers. They replied favorably and asked me to get back to them with names of potential panelists and a list of questions. Who's in?

I am also working in the background to develop our very own PW blogroll. Yes, I think we should point out why, and asked to be included as Women Without Children in other supposedly inclusive women-centric sites, and we can also get organized and do it for ourselves. We will probably never be mainstream, but we are getting harder to ignore.

Also check out these Purple Women^TM to see what they write about on our day...

Dani Purple Melange

Neda A Childfree Choice: A Purple Letter Day

Escape Brooklyn Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want Kids

Beany Being Purple

Angry Grrrl Childfree Women: Blog and Be Counted on 11/15!

CalliGrafiti Childfree Blogger

Ravan Another Ravan Perch

Addy CF Unscripted

BritGirl Childfree ... Do We Count?

Amanda Jayne Purple Women Count

LunarKitty Purple Women Count Today

My thanks to all those who have contacted me, who have inserted a button, and posted notice of our staged online event on childfree forums and groups lists. If you'd like the HTML code for the PW button that links to this blog, please email me directly (I love to hear from readers).

Wear it with pride ladies!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

One Size Does Not Fit All

2007-11-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

by LynnS
Regular Contributor
Ireland, UK

I can vividly remember an older cousin giving me an annual one Christmas. The annual was called "Misty" and it was based on a horror comic (now sadly defunct) aimed at girls aged about 10 - 14. I was thrilled and being a bookworm even then, I immediately sat down to read it. My mother was dismayed and tried to take it off me, insisting it was too scary and it'd give me nightmares. I stubbornly refused to hand it over. (In fact, I think I sat on it). "I don't care if it gives me nightmares," I wailed. "I didn't get a Glow Worm last Christmas so I'm keeping this. I like spooky stories and I kinda like being scared, so there!" Did I mention I could be a brat?

Joking aside, it would be years before I understood the subtext and significance of the conversation. My mother wasn't attempting to spoil my fun; she was trying to protect me. There was an assumption back then that girls (of my age, anyway) just didn't like horror. In retrospect, I can see that the real danger and damage lay in the assumption that all girls are the same. In other words, that one size fits all.

Except it won't. How could it?

At school, it was drilled into us that we were all unique, that there is no one else on the planet quite like us. True. Yet society seems to say one thing and do another. As I entered my teens, I was bombarded by conflicting messages which ultimately seemed to say "yes, you're an individual and you can be yourself - so long as you still toe the line." Toeing the line, I would soon discover, meant having children.

One of the great victories of the feminist movement was the recognition that women are people in their own right and that women are entitled to the same choices and opportunities as men. Doesn't it stand to reason, then, that as unique individuals we won't want the same things in life? Is it so surprising, therefore, that some of us will make the choice not to have children?

Why is this so hard to accept in the 21st century?

It strikes me that, regardless of whether or not you consider yourself a feminist (and I do) that choosing not to have children is a very feminist statement. Think about it.

Feminists fought tooth and nail so women would not be defined by their wombs. As a childfree woman, you're saying, “Okay, so I have a womb but that doesn't mean I have to use it. I won't allow myself to be defined by it either.”

You're rejecting the societal script and opting for a road less traveled, and that alone can make people nervous.

Some women have or will have children. Their business. Their decision.

Other women (we Purple Women^TM) will not have children. Our business. Our decision. One that's equally valid.

Let's embrace and revel in our differences. The fact that Purple Women^TM are childfree unites us, but we're also unique individuals. Think how unbelievably boring the world would be if we were all carbon copies of one another.

I'll finish by thanking my cousin, first of all, not just for giving me an annual I still love! Whether she realized it or not, she did so much more than giving me an annual. By doing so, she was really saying “I know you don't like or want the same things as most other girls but you know what? That's okay.” What matters is not what people may think. What matters is finding out who you are and being true to yourself.

Those nightmares my mother was worried I'd have? I had plenty. There was one story about a severed hand that scares me even today. But I was able to examine my fears and I survived and came out stronger as a result. There's a lesson to be learned there, maybe. . .

Last but not least, I'd like to thank Purple Women^TM everywhere. You know that Sesame Street song "It Ain't Easy Being Green"? Well, sometimes - let's be honest - it ain't easy being Purple either. But you make all the difference. Constant, inspiring reminders that one size does not fit all.

Flickr photo taken by Franz66's Dad, shared by franz66 (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Steal This

2007-11-11T09:38:00.000-05:00

Purple Women^TM I cannot figure out how to make the code to have this button link to our blog. Not much time to fiddle with HTML these days.
Feel free to wear this badge of honor in your own sidebar! (Just right click and save as a JPG file, then upload according to your blog hosting instructions as you would any other image.)

Update to post: I asked for help from Annie at BlogU, and she sent me the proper code, as below:

The identical-looking button (the lower one) actually links to this blog's home page! If you'd like the HTML to use this on your own site, just send me an email. I plan to turn this into a bonafide PW Blogroll as we go boldly go into our third year of this team blog. Now, who can help me write the javascript?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Letter to a Purple Woman

2007-11-10T11:38:00.000-05:00

From time to time, I hear from a Purple Woman. I have been encouraging women to connect with me by sharing my email, with promise of a PW button mailed in return. One reader inspired this reply:

Dear Susan,
Thanks for writing to me. I really enjoy hearing from a reader directly. It motivates me. You are lucky to have found a Purple Man, of course, I assume. He could have children from a previous marriage. You mention that your retort to those who ask The Question (Do You Have Children?) is an innocent, "I was blessed with infertility!" That is a very safe response, and can engender pity. I too discovered myself unable to have kids in my early 20s. I didn't want to travel that path, but it took me a long time to embrace the happiness that can be found in walking the less traveled childfree path.

When there is not a reason, like a fertility issue that childed others can get their minds around, it is difficult for them to grasp the idea that an adult would choose this life. The mainstream media has focused on these individuals first, but now the coverage is starting to broaden. Their questions are getting better. I was contacted by a grad student reporter who claimed to be doing an article for the New York Times and he wanted to focus on those who we call the early articulators. I tried to tell him there is way more to the story than that. We didn't do the interview.

Such a foreign idea, that one who is able to have kids and does not wish to do so, can make a person of strong faith, regardless of denomination, defensive of their scripture. Not everyone has the same grasp on religion; interpretations can vary. There are childfree church-goers, to use a convenient Christian term. We have had two bloggers associated with our blog who have covered this religious aspect of our existence. In fact, Shelley, our Regular Contributor, leads a bible group for childfree couples at her congregation.

The misunderstanding is not just founded in religious belief. The concept that an adult can and would choose to take a step away from "what we were put here to do," as one relative put it to me, goes against their personal belief in the rightness of their actions, and reveals that they believe their "truth" applies to all others.

I did not mean to write so much. But, in truth, there is so much to talk about. That's why I started this blog two years ago!

Be well,
Teri
P.S. I really only meant to say, yes, we still have more Purple Woman! buttons and I am mailing yours today.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childless and Mormon

2007-11-09T19:16:00.000-05:00

Oprah recently did a show on fundamental Mormon polygamists. The majority of women featured on the show appeared very pleased with their plural marriages and most had over five children each. I did the addition and realized there were over 20 people living together in one home. Whew…

Of course this type of marriage is rare and illegal. One notorius leader, Warren Jeffs, president of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and husband to over 50 wives, is currently in jail awaiting his sentence after being found guilty of accomplice to rape for coercing a 14-year-old girl into a marriage with her elder cousin.

The mainstream Mormon Church no longer sanctions polygamy, and there are only a few communities of polygamists left in North America. However, the Church continues to actively support and endorse large families, so I wondered: what is life like for childless or childfree LDS couples?

Kathryn Kidd, a childless Mormon author from Virginia and a contributor to Meridien Magazine, an ezine designed for Latter-day Saints, explored this question in a article titled Other Avenues for the Childless after being contacted by women who wrote about the challenges of childlessness.

Barbara, reflecting on her experience of a life without kids in the LDS community, had this to say:

The biggest problem was lack of any suitable role or role model for women in my position in the Church. There were no childless married women I could relate to, and a lack of friends or peers with whom I could share experience. Church meetings and classes and talks inevitably involve teachings on the family.

Many of the childfree and childless of all beliefs and faiths experience a sense of isolation and some exclusion. However, I suspect this must be harder in a community where having kids is what a contributor to the Latter-day Saint Liberation Front website called one of the "most profound and fundamental mortal obligations."

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple in the Military

2007-11-09T08:47:00.000-05:00

Purple Women^TM,
This message is forwarded by one of No Kidding's Official Spokespeople, Vincent Ciaccio:

A journalist from Military Spouse Magazine is looking to interview childfree military couples for a piece she is writing. If you know anyone fitting this description and they are interested, please ask them to contact the reporter directly. Her message is below.

"Hi,
I found your organization through a military spouse blog forum and I would like to ask you about military couples in your chapters who choose not to have children for an article in Military Spouse Magazine.
Thanks!"
Monique Rizer
monique@milspousemag.com

I will post a link if there is an online version. I hope she gets a handful of people to talk to because it sounds like an interesting story: service, not selfish.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Count on Nov. 15

2007-11-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

I cannot tell you the number of women bloggers, let alone the number of chilfree women bloggers. Even the experts don't know. We do know that in the U.S., 42 percent of all women in the United States 15-44 years old are childless, according to the 2000 Census. (Likely many of them are still undecided about their family status.) Institutions tend to assume that we are all "future mothers", doctors tend to treat women as if they are forever "pre-pregnant". (Have you ever tried to get a permanent solution?) Childfree women bloggers are even more difficult to measure. I believe speaking out is more important than being counted literally.

Americans do not hold the exclusive on the trend of more women remaining childfree. The availability of contraception plays a role in this global trend associated with educated women. The issue of childfree women has reached all time highs in Canada, Italy, New Zealand, and England. At home and abroad, we draw the unwanted attention of reporters, sociologists, feminists and institutions alike.

Thus, we bring you the Purple Women Count Campaign: an effort to have childfree women bloggers included more appropriately in women-centric websites, and in the long run, improve how we are treated by institutions from mainstream media to the doctor's office. Changes start with dialogue. Surely if we start with other women, our voices will be heard.

Have you experienced being invisible as a childfree woman? Do you self-identify as a chilfree woman?

1) For those of you who have your own blogs, please write a post on this topic, or contribute a Guest Post here to be posted on November 15th. Let's all post on the same day and link to each other. Send me your URL/link and I'll add your blog's name to the Purple Links in the sidebar and compile a list of all participating blogs in a separate post.

2) If you are a member of a chilfree forum or discussion group, please post a notice to them about our blogging event on November 15. Let me know if you do so, so I can track our outreach. I posted the campaign announcement to all 90 of the No Kidding clubs asking them to participate. No kidding is the international social club for childfree adults. I run a chapter here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

3) Don't be shy about joining these women-centric sites and requesting a place for Purple Women (childfree). I recommend we work towards a category called Women Without Children. We can avoid the hyphenation consternation problems of child-free vs. childfree.

4) Let me know if you want a Purple Woman! button to wear. If you send me an address by email, I will send you one for free, until supplies run out.

5) Consider placing the Purple Woman button graphic link in your sidebar. Wear it with pride! It is in development now and I will post the code here as soon as it is ready.

Let's no longer be invisible Purple Women^TM! It's easy, just tell a friend, send us your blog's URL if you have one, and write about it on November 15.

Cheers,
Teri Tith
Creator & Contributing Editor
Purple Women & Friends

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Non-Mom

2007-11-03T11:51:00.001-04:00

If you read my personal blog, you know that I am a volunteer with our local, regional opera company. I don't know a lot about opera, so my education to this live form of art is part of the fun. It has been a successful social strategy to make new friends in my new hometown. My talents in copy writing, marketing and fund raising do not go unappreciated. I was recruited last minute to work backstage for our recently completed run of La Boheme and it was the first time I have ever been on that side of a production.

Having performed for 15 years at the local high school, the set was richer, bigger and better than ever before because the opera company moved into the new performing arts center that was just completed in our quaint little downtown. Just a 500-seater, but not a bad seat in the house. Our local children's chorus supplemented our all-volunteer adult chorus and together they really created magic in the Second Act.

The parents who's children participate in such activities are a very dedicated lot, going back and forth to rehearsals, waiting patiently behind the scenes. This year, a few even allowed themselves to be recruited for non-speaking, non-singing roles that were critical to a scene. Many of them helped with set changes, moving furniture and props, in the cramped rehearsal space when we were still waiting to move into the new theater.

I appeared backstage late in the game because the "opera house" was so large our crew needed supplementing, especially for the "Olympics of set changes" that we had to do between the First and Second Act, without an intermission. I remember introducing myself around to one of the Dads, one of these special parents who gives 110%. He asked me, "Are you a Mom?"

I knew what he meant, and I simply replied, "No, I'm just a Teri."

There's not a lot of room in the wings, and a friend standing nearby giggled a little when she heard that. Well, this made him curious. Why was I there then? How did I get involved? I told him that I was the opera company's newest board member and he inquired politely about the responsibilities. I was rather please about the direction of the conversation, considering how it started!

As childfree women and men, I suspect we have a lot more time to volunteer in such capacities. We are not all driven career women. We are not even really purple, we are all the colors of the rainbow. It felt good to be in the company of those who know me, my status and appreciate me. I think I will be with this group for a long, long time. They are already becoming like a second family to me.

Purple Women^TM, do you volunteer your free time? What are your causes? How is your social life? What mark will you leave in your community?

Flickr photo courtesy of aussieSkiBum (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Quote From A Reader

2007-11-03T11:46:00.000-04:00

Purple Women^TM , I know you will appreciate this pull quote by Judy, a reader of this blog, reflecting on her status as a childfree woman:

"Socially, I feel has been the hardest part of all - which is probably why I'm writing this. You do look for people who think like you or have been through similar experiences. Motherhood is glorified and it was difficult to take the road less traveled."

You can read the rest on the comments that LauraS received on her thought-provoking post titled Been There, Done That on October 17.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Is Marriage Good For You?

2007-10-30T15:23:00.001-04:00

Generally, yes, according to David Popenoe, a sociology professor and co-chair of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. In an article posted on the Discovery Health website, Dr. Popenoe exposes the benefits and myths around marriage.

So what are the benefits?

More wealth for women and better health for men, and more frequent and more satisfying sex for both genders, compared to unmarrieds.

What about the myths? Well, here’s one Purple Women™ can identify with:

Marriage Myth 2: Having children typically brings a married couple closer together and increases marital happiness.
Fact: Many studies have shown that the arrival of the first baby commonly has the effect of pushing the mother and father farther apart, and bringing stress to the marriage. However, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.

Currently, divorce rates hover just below 50 percent of first marriages in the United States.

So how do modern marriages compare to those of our parents? Popenoe observed that modern marriages are not any happier: "Some studies have found in recent marriages, compared to those of 20 or 30 years ago, significantly more work-related stress, more marital conflict and less marital interaction."

Flicker photo by Pencils and Pixels (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Kudos

2007-10-24T09:24:00.000-04:00

Purple Women^TM,
My thanks to you all. Our blog has made the top 100 of syndicated blogs with BlogBurst -- rank #63 out of 100! BlogBurst is a blog syndication program, wherein major daily papers with online content feature interesting blogs on their websites. I signed up for this program and our content was accepted by their editors after the BlogHer '06 conference last year.

Life has a way of changing when you least expect it. Keeping up with the maintenance of this blog has not been easy as I transition household locations and jobs. Real work that is attached to a paycheck always has to take priority to a hobby of blogging that pays nothing is lots of fun or I wouldn't do it.

The cash reward of $75 is a nice token, my first true earnings, but the greater honor of being in the top 100. My only true expenses, other than the donated time to run this blog, are for proofreading and the official PW buttons. Let me know if you want one by sending an email to me directly with your name and a mailing address. (No I don't sell your address, nor am I building one for any other purpose -- trust me a little!)

I am grateful to our extended team of current and former Regular Contributors, as well as all our featured Guest Contributors. When I created this blog two years ago, I was not sure our topic was broad enough to keep it going this long, but it seems there is always a unique perspective or some new controversial aspect to our existence as Purple Women^TM, and we do a pretty good job of keeping the dialogue going about it. My thanks especially to our readers for keeping it clean, not mean -- and for keeping it real.

Blog on my Purple Sistahs & Be Well!
Smiles,
Teri Tith
Creator & Contributing Editor
Purple Women & Friends

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Been There, Done That

2007-10-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

What do you do? Do you choose the man, or the baby?

What happens when the man you fall in love with is over the baby thing and you aren’t quite there yet? A woman named Candace posed this question to me in an email forwarded through my website:

Hello- As a childfree women, I am very interested in your project. I am also interested in doing some research on women who basically chose marriage over motherhood; ie, they wanted kids and thought they would have them, but then fell in love with a man who already had kids from a prior marriage and didn’t want or couldn’t have anymore. So, they had to choose between marriage and a child. What did they choose, how did they come to that choice, and are there any regrets?

I couldn’t offer a response. I haven’t met many women who have been in that situation. Most of the men and women I had interviewed for my project were childless…by choice. So what do you do? You anticipated children of your own and the man you love can’t, or won’t, sign up for the deal.
What now?

Flickr photo by Monceau (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Missing Out?

2007-10-13T09:49:00.000-04:00

by Shelley
Regular Contributor
Purple Women & Friends

Tell a parent that you’re childfree, and chances are you’ll hear the timeless retort,

“You don’t know what you’re missing.” This comment exasperates me to no end, usually because I take it for what it is: a thinly veiled, critical judgment of my choices.

But as much as I dislike this loaded statement, I have to admit, there is a good chance I really might be missing out on something.

Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to love my own child. I love my husband more than anyone else in the world, so I try to relate how I’d feel about a child to how I feel about him. Our connection is so intense that sometimes it overwhelms me, and I think that losing him would be like losing myself.

Would my love for a child be similar? Or would it be even stronger, since the connection would be both physical and emotional?

I tend to think I couldn’t love my husband as fervently if I had to share my devotion with a child, but what if it doesn’t work that way? What if I was able to have two great loves in my life, and could have twice as much joy? Unfortunately there’s only one way to find out, and that’s quite a risk to take.

As much as I dislike society’s mystification of the bond between parent and child, I can’t deny that there must be something uniquely special about that connection. After all, even God used the father-son relationship to explain His love to the world. There’s something powerful there that I’ll never be able to experience.

Yes, I know that part of what I am “missing” involves loud unpleasant noises, in-depth contact with various bodily fluids, and a terrible restriction of personal freedom. No big loss there, that’s for sure. And for me, I don’t think there’s any other loss either.

I know that God doesn’t want me to have children, so that must mean He’s got something better in store for me. There must be something pretty special that parents are missing out on too.

Flickr photo by Mr.mt (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Consider "Child Free Living"

2007-10-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

Consider "Child free Living."

This from two of the top infertilty doctors in Mombai, (formerly, Bombay) India.

Dr. Aniruddha Malpani, MD and Dr. Anjali Malpani, MD have an infertility clinic in India. They wrote a book titled How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility.

How do you overcome infertility? According to the Malpanis:

Choosing not to have children at all is an option which you can select - to live childfree. Remember, childfree living is a choice you can make - choosing not to have children isn't the same as having childlessness thrust upon you.

This is a quote from chapter 31 of a their book, which can be read (free) in its entirety on the Malpani Infertility Clinic website.

Here’s what they have to say about how infertile couples can "adapt to the decision to live childfree":

Remember, there can be real advantages to life without children: more personal freedom, more time to spend on your own interests, and more emotional energy to invest in your emotional relationships. Start enjoying your time with your spouse more - remember the early heady days of your marriage before you were striving for a child? Try to recapture those magic moments again.

Kudos to these two compassionate people who dedicate their work to helping infertile couples but recognize that childfree living can be a viable and sustainable option for couples who are ready to get off the fertility treatment treadmill.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

White Picket Fences

2007-10-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

I have from time to time advocated for speaking out. Too often, Purple Women^TM are invisible and blend into the crowd. After two years of blogging here in this topically focused blog about being a woman without children, I have been approached by reporters who are interested in the subject.

My most recent interview was conducted on my cell phone, which got very hot in my ear, while I was sitting in my car in the grocery store parking lot. The story was published today in the TimeOut section of the Valley Times, a publication of Contra Costa Times. I am not in it, thankfully. The story is about regret. The self-identified "childfree" women that I meet here do not identify with being childless, they embrace their choice, whether it is circumstances or health reasons, or adamant super-conscious decision-making alone.

These empowered, self-defined women are not what this article is about. The reporter focuses on those who miss out on the American dream of the car, the house, the 2.5 children and a white picket fence. "Gimme a straight jacket!" It's a depressing read:

Childless by Fate, Choice: Coming to Terms With What Might Have Been by Jessica Yadegaran

I guess I should not be so surprised by the piece. I am living in the heartland of the East Bay suburbia. They have to cater to their readership. The burbs are where people go to raise children. So Purple Women will remain invisible. This newspaper probably has no idea how many of its readership are confidently, childfree or childless by choice. It all depends on your perspective.

Flickr photo by roujo (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Single, Straight, Male, w/ Vasectomy

2007-10-05T17:09:00.000-04:00

Would you respond to someone who described himself this way in a personal ad?

According to Toby Byrum, he fits this description and he’s never been worried about meeting Ms. Right. He’s a single professional in a small community in Wyoming but he hopes to marry one day. He came to the conclusion, in his mid-twenties, that he didn’t want kids. He made the decision to have a vasectomy at 28 years old.

His story was featured recently on NBC’s Today Show. Today Show host Matt Lauer asked Byrum, with regards to dating, "How do your bring this up and how quickly do you bring this up?" Byrum responded: "The first date, if not before," he said. "I live in a small area, so some people are already aware of this. I bring it up quickly. There’s no reason to waste anybody’s time. If someone has a different idea for themselves, I don’t want to get in the way."

Lauer also asked if he ever thought about the fact that, as an only, male, child he might regret not leaving a legacy. Byrum admitted he had thought about it but thought that procreating for the sake of legacy "was too vain a reason to have kids"

As is usually the case, the viewer comments that followed the posted video clip on MSNBC are as interesting as Toby Byrum’s story. One comment in particular, disturbed me, because it came from a pychotherapist who felt compelled to do some armchair analysis, based on the 5-minute interview clip. The self-described "licensed psychotherapist in MA" wrote:

[I] can't help but wonder how much a toxic dose of narcissism fuels Todd's choice. (Baggage from childhood too much or not enough mirroring by his parents??)His choice has set the groundwork for him to focus his energy on pursuits and achievements at the expense of meaningful (and sometimes messy) relationships, but what about generativity (giving back to the world)? His choice and apparent lack of ultruism can result in a lonely old man, with nothing meaningful to review when it comes time to do his end of life stage of life emotional reflection. I do not see his sense of spirituality...is he spiritually bankrupt?

It irks me that the choice to remain childfree is still, so often, misunderstood, even by those who claim to know more than "the average bear" about the inner workings of the human psyche.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple is the New Black

2007-10-05T01:38:00.000-04:00

Purple Women^TM -- we're in style!

The Color Purple: Fall's Bright New Idea, Associated Press

Technorati Tag: Childfree

On Stage in San Francisco

2007-10-03T02:14:00.000-04:00

I was contacted by the promoter of a play making its "world premier" at the Magic Theatre (yes, that's the way they spell it) in San Francisco. For you locals, it's located at the Fort Mason Center. I love theater (American spelling). I am excited to have a chance to see how being childfree is portrayed on stage. Please support the endeavor by attending if you are in town for the show dates.

Here's a synopsis:

The Crowd You’re In With
by Rebecca Gilman
Nov 10 – Dec 9.
The setting is a backyard BBQ and offers a close look at modern families, friendship and whether two people in love might just be enough. It attempts to tackle the question of what family really means and why having children is a big deal for some and not for others.

Ms. Gilman is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated playwright with a long history here at the Magic, so she approaches the story of these two young couples with incredible insight and humor. It is a very enjoyable and accessible play dealing with an issue that I know is dear to you and your constituency.

"It would be wonderful if you could pass the word along to your friends and any local No Kidding groups. I would be happy to mail out some postcards or send an HTML email with more information."

Tell a Purple Woman!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

By My Own Clock

2007-10-03T01:13:00.000-04:00

I was grocery shopping at 7:30 p.m. The lines are very short then. At 10:15 p.m. I am still putting the finishing touches on the soup for my Chick Flick get together for tomorrow night. I am making Cream of Mushroom and Wild Rice Soup, and plan to serve it with salad and tomato- cheese pizza (delivered of course -- it is a work night).

I plan to let the gals select from the three movies I have in house from Netflix: Aliens director's cut with Sigourney Weaver, Notes on a Scandal with Cate Blanchett and Dame Judi Dench, and Premonition with Sandra Bullock. Secretly (well, not if I blog about it here, I hope they pick Aliens...I've always wanted to drive a fork lift!)

I love being a Purple Woman!

Flickr photo by The Consumerist (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Family Reunion

2007-09-29T23:47:00.000-04:00

It felt good to openly discuss my status as a Purple Woman at a family gathering today. In the same conversation, I mentioned that most of Tom's family probably assumes that my influence or malfunction was the reason for us not raising children. I don't think they really know that he has always been more sure about being childfree than me. I really caught his mother by surprise once when I asked her, "Why do you think Tom didn't want to have kids?"

We attended a family reunion on my husband's side of our family today. My mother-in-law passed away last year, so she was represented in her progeny and in story only. It was a glorious sunny day on Angel Island, not a wisp of fog that had plagued the previous day. We all felt so lucky to have this perfect day together on the San Francisco Bay. All my husband's cousins and siblings, minus a few key spouses and nieces and nephews, were there. It was a big crowd as Catholic family reunions tend to be. To my surprise, it was our openly gay cousin who asked me "The Question" at the reunion:

"So when are you and Tom having kids?"

I know what Tom's reaction would have been, had he been within earshot. He, at age 49, feels he is well past the point of embarking on such an enterprise. I know this cousin and his partner pretty well, so I simply said,

"Why would I want to do that?!"

We shared a good laugh and he said, "Yeah, me too!" He admitted to being perfectly happy that others in his family are procreating. Without my prompting, he acknowledged that for women, child rearing and bearing, is an integral identity issue that does not exist for men.

I loved hearing one of my favorite terms of endearment being called out all day "Aunt Teri this", "Aunt Teri that". I love being "Aunt Teri". It is my privilege to be a connected to the next generation, to support their parents by being present at holidays and gatherings. To think of them on their birthdays. To be the person they can ask "fill-in-the-blank" as they get older and the world gets more complicated. Aunt Teri and Uncle Tom show them by example that they have choices ahead of them, and that there are all sorts of lifestyles within one big happy family.

Photo of the last family reunion Teri's mother-in-law attended. She is in the center front.
Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Next Generation

2007-09-28T21:29:00.000-04:00

I recently attended my nephew’s wedding, in Paris. It was a wonderful celebration. The eldest son of three boys, born in Scotland but now living in London, marries an English girl living in Paris. For three years they had nurtured a relationship, connecting by cell-phone, email, and weekend trips under and over the English Channel. We called it the Eurostar romance, named after the train that carried my nephew though the "chunnel," the train tunnel that ferries passengers under the channel between England and France.

Close to a year ago, my nephew called me with the news. He would marry, finally, just before his 34th birthday. I was thrilled, of course. I had met his girlfriend at his younger brother’s wedding and I thought they made a great pair. He also gave me some other news. He told me that they would likely continue to keep separate residences as neither could figure out a way to transfer their jobs, and he also told me that they didn’t plan on having kids.

I realized he divulged this last bit of information because he knew his uncle and aunt had made the same choice. I had never considered that I might be a kind of "role model" for the next generation. I wasn’t in the habit of announcing my childfree status to relatives; most of them had figured it out on their own. But I did wonder: Did we somehow influence their decision making?

I didn’t think so. At most, we were the odd couple who lived a childfree life in America and seemed happy. They had come to the decision on their own, during the intimate conversations couples have when they imagine a life together and what that would look and feel like.

I was right. A week before the wedding, as I getting ready to pack, my nephew called me from London, wanting to know when would arrive in Paris. We talked about the schedule, what people would wear (kilts or suits?) and which relatives would be there. He told me that he had suggested that his friends leave the kids at home, that the wedding reception was intended to be "sans enfants."

So I was surprised to see a small child at the reception. It was the child of one of his best friends, a cute blond toddler in an oversized kilt, who was seated at the end of our table. All went well until the child started fussing loudly while the bride’s father was making a speech.

My focus was on the head table. The father continued with his speech, but the bride was clearly not amused at the interruption, or the noise. Fixing her eyes on the little boy, her expression looked like something between migraine and exorcism.

It was the face of someone who might be inclined to choose, for herself, a life "sans enfants." I must admit, at that moment, I felt both relief and empathy.

Flickr photo by austinevan (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Happy Purple Monday

2007-09-24T23:15:00.000-04:00

Woooooooo -- Hoo!!! It was so awesome, to use a surfer term, to receive this cool comment on the recent blog post titled Top Ten Tips on how to survive the question, "Do you have kids?":

I think that the more comfortable I am with my choice, the less this question bothers me.

People will always make assumptions and ask the same social questions that we all ask. What about them cowboys in last night game or what about the weather.

They are just trying to make a connection and children seem to be the easy glue.

I am a teacher, and most assume that I would have children, and I am asked this on a daily basis by everyone. My answer," No I do not" is my simple and direct reply.

It is nice, no extra tone --- nothing. It stops people dead cold. I smile and the conversation goes another direction.

They are caught off guard-- that I don't have an excuse or a reason, and don't imply any sort of tone. It works great. I think lack of tone keeps them from thinking they can attack, because they never do.

I also get this from kids on a daily basis. I work with teens, and I love them. I love everything about teens, but I am happy at the end of the day not to have one at home.

They ask me, both male and female, "Do you not have kids?" I add more to my normal punch line, [my reply] changes with my mood, but it might go something like this:

'Nope. Love teens, but you guys are enough to handle -- don't want a house-full!'

They laugh and get the point better than most adults. Or I might say, nope I have other interests and I am happy with my choice. Some times if its a girl she might add that she would like not to be a mom, and I encourage her to do what is best for her.

I am a walking, living example to everyone that the choice to not have my own children is just fine. I live a more than active lifem: work, husband, extended family, full time graduate school, and Phd research.

So the next time some asks, maybe just smile...

...and know they really deep inside wish they had the courage to find what they really wanted before they fell in line with the tribal drum beat of "have kids or your life is over."

I say, "Bring it on!" and "Ask me all you want," I have all the answers to make your head spin. I am a Purple Woman you see!"

Teri says: Thank you for this gift oh Anonymous Purple Woman. This is a great way to start our week!

Artwork by Henri Matisse (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Wouldn't Change a Thing…

2007-09-19T12:13:00.000-04:00

Ask any new parent how their life has changed now that they have a child and you will get an earful. Some changes are perceived as positive, some are perceived as negative, but all parents will admit that life with kids is, at the least, different.

A woman named Vicki emailed me through the Childless by Choice Project website to share her story and pose a question. Like many Purple Women ™, Vicki never felt a longing to have children but assumed that, by her mid-thirties, she would "have a sudden desire to have children."

It didn't happen. Now thirty-five and happily married, Vicki and her husband have decided to remain childfree.

So she wrote: "Here's a question that I want to pose... The statement "having a baby changes EVERYTHING" couldn't be more true... So what if you're completely happy and content with your life and don't want to change a thing?...

Technorati Tag: Childfree

My Purple Identity

2007-09-19T06:00:00.000-04:00

Some Purple Women^TM are single. Some Purple Women^TM are married. Some will marry a man who already has children from a previous union. Yes, women who are step-parents strongly identify as childfree. That's something I have learned along my purple journey these last two years.

No matter what your marital status, single or married --- (BTW, why do they ask if you've ever been Divorced on these doctor's office forms? It's none of their damn businesses. Please tell them so) -- I say we are Purple.

Am I childless, child-free or childfree? Depends on who you ask. Personally, I choose to define myself. I am Purple, and sometimes that's hard to define.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Fridays

2007-09-14T16:09:00.000-04:00

Purple Women^TM are discovering this blog all the time. I am excited to announce that our subscription offer just got sweeter. Did you know that you can have the latest posts sent to your email box directly? Yes, it will arrive in your In Box once a week on Fridays. Something to look forward to at the end of the week!

I would also like to encourage you to forward our content to all your childfree friends. There will be a button making it easy to do this in the weekly feed. The formatting will be a little different as Feedblitz has offered publishers like me some new bells and whistles.

If you wish so continue subscribing, please remember to:

Add feedblitz@mail.feedblitz.com to your address books or email whitelists immediately.
Only unsubscribe using the links provide in each Feedblitz email; please do not use your ISP's spam or abuse button.
Heads up for a message from FeedBlitz advising you that a change has taken place regarding your Purple Women & Friends subscription.

I have added a chicklet just under the sign up form in the sidebar, so you can watch our community grow. We get a regular readership of approximately 1,000 unique visitors per week. As you can see, not everyone takes advantage of the free subscription feature!

In addition to being a Purple Woman, I am also known in my family as Miss BloggyPants. So this may be more exciting news for me as the owner and a Contributing Editor of this blog!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Do Your Breast

2007-09-13T09:58:00.001-04:00

A certain body part has come under particular scrutiny Purple Women^TM. You know the ones, they come in pairs are considered by many to be "weapons of mass destruction," they are associated with erotica, and most recently deemed objectionable by Facebook when a mother posted a photo of this body part exposed while nursing her baby. Frankly, I am more offended by swearing in public.

Women are so villified, and not just by Islam. I blog about this today because there is a Purple Woman out there doing something about it. Her name is Sue Richards. She is the Breast Health Empress -- breast health, not breast cancer. Breast health includes having healthy attitudes towards our breasts and our bodies, and how to care for them -- before a diagnosis. Let's call it preventative.

Denise, over at BlogHer is an official Breast Ambassador (you can become one too) and she posted about this topic recently. I also met Sue at BlogHer. In fact, she was the first person I met. We were sitting out by the pool because we both had registered so late we could not get in to the first day. Each of us had flown all the way from Ontario, Canada to be at BlogHer '06. We marveled at how far we had to come to meet each other when we lived, at the time, in the same province.

I later went to interview her at her home in Guelph, right before we moved back to California. I will feature her in a new series of posts called Profiles of Purple Women. With her permission, I will publish her story on this blog. Stay tuned for the upcoming story. She is a self-described Social Entrepreneur and a heroine of mine.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Top Ten Tips

2007-09-08T10:08:00.000-04:00

How to Survive The Question: "Do You Have Children?"

1. At all costs, resist answering, “No, do you?” You will regret it immediately if you and this person are total strangers.

2. If applicable, turn to your spouse and say, “Honey, this one’s for you.”

3. Roll your eyes and say, “I’ll take History for $200”.

4. Get a wistful look in your eye, pause, then tilt your head in a thoughtful way and say,

“Just once, I wish someone would ask me if I am childfree.”

Be on your toes, and be mentally and emotionally prepared for whatever comes next.

5. Instead of replying, ask them a question: Any question, such as, “how do you know the host”, or “what got you involved in __________”. This will subtly communicate what you shouldn’t have to say: “I am not comfortable with your personal question”.

6. Answer honestly, and give them a “handle” to grab onto conversationally. The handle would be what you do spend your time doing since you don’t have kids.

7. Just start laughing and say, “Why would I want to do that?” Don’t be surprised if they agree with you, they may have teenagers.

8. Raise your eyebrows and make your eyes really big and say, “U-oh, gotta run…” Walk quickly the other direction. This is a not-so-subtle way of communicating that you don’t appreciate their personal question. Works like a charm on relatives who ask, “So, when are you and ______ going to start a family?” too.

9. If someone ever does ask you if you are childfree, they have taken the time in conversation to get to know you first, and made an accurate assumption. Immediately embrace the Purple Man or Woman!

10. If you’re really caught off guard and cannot for the life of you remember items 1 though 8, fake an allergic reaction to “fill-in-the-blank” and begin a mock sneezing fit. Walk quickly toward the bathroom. Re-group and come out swinging – socially speaking of course!

Flickr photo by by ores2k (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Man at Lunch

2007-09-08T08:57:00.000-04:00

I grossed myself out this week and opted for a "quick" hot dog at Costco for lunch. I only had a half hour allotted and it was the closest solution. It didn't end up being quick at all as this lunch venue is so popular, I spent almost 10 minutes just standing in line to spend $1.50 on the dog.

What took even longer was the interesting man, let's call him Steve, that sat down next to me. He just didn't belong. I thought he looked a little bookish and out of place, bespectacled and all. Trim physique. Plus, he had come prepared with a hard cover book and a New Yorker. As it turns out he was a Purple Man.

After clearing him for landing in the bench zone next to me, my first question to him was, "Are you a writer and are you from New York?" In my experience those from the East really give it up to the Big Apple and consider it the center of culture in the U.S. I think they should all be required to visit Venice Beach, California in order to reconsider their position.

He was a scientist and from the East Coast indeed. He was there getting a flat tire fixed. It was a jaunty conversation, well worth the trip to Costco, and not at all what I was expecting. I wanted to know his whole story, but men don't need or want to articulate about being childfree like we women-folk do. He readily agreed we get all the pressure and men simply fly below the radar. I gave him my Purple Women^TM business card and sincerely hope that he writes us a Guest Post sometime -- or at least leaves us a comment!

Purple Men are out there. Sometimes I wish they would speak out more and help alleviate the double-standard that seems to exist. Their silence is not supportive of the women they love.

Photo by roboppy (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Need Book Reviewed

2007-09-08T08:54:00.000-04:00

Are there any Purple Women^TM out there who have read this book and can review it for us?

Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution
by Ardrienne Rich

FROM THE PUBLISHER
"In order for all women to have real choices all along the line," Ardrienne Rich writes, "we need fully to understand the power and powerlessness embodied in motherhood in patriarchal culture."

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Grateful for a Flame-Free Blog

2007-09-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

I was reading a guest post titled Childless at Work published in the On Balance work-life blog of The Washington Post. It was written earlier this year by a childless woman who felt she was discriminated against when she was told by her future employer that she would be allowed to telecommute a couple days a week, only to find out later that only women who were mothers had that "luxury."

Her situation is not unusual. Many such stories have been posted here and on other childfree sites. What was unusual was the nature of the comments posted in response to this guest blog. Almost all of the comments where dismissive, unsympathetic, or blatantly cruel.

Some might think that flaming and blogs go hand-in-hand, but I beg to differ. I think you can encourage dialogue and debate, and allow people to express their diverse views, in a flame-free environment.

Proof that it is possible can be found here.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Does a Christian Have a Choice?

2007-09-01T10:44:00.000-04:00

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to Purple Women^TM

It’s supposed to be every little girl’s greatest hope: to grow up, marry her Prince Charming, buy a nice house in the suburbs, and finally find ultimate fulfillment by becoming a mother. Ah, the American Dream.

And apparently, it’s supposed to be the Christian Dream too – just ask Dr. Albert Mohler, President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and prominent Right-Wing Evangelical commentator. In his popular article on what he calls “deliberate childlessness,” he asserts that,

“The church should insist that the biblical formula calls for adulthood to mean marriage and marriage to mean children.”

Okay…but when it comes to adopting a “biblical formula,” I think it’s wise to actually refer to the Bible and see what the Scriptures have to say.

In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, Paul advises the Church on marriage. He discusses two options – getting married or remaining single. The Bible doesn’t directly address the issue of being married and childfree, because at the time the Scriptures were written, no one could have dreamed it would be possible. After all, reliable birth control didn’t exist. To be married was to have sex, and to have sex was to have children. So when Paul speaks of marriage in verses 25-28, we can assume he is also speaking of parenthood:

“Now I write about people who are not married [don’t have children]…The present time is a time of trouble, so I think it is good for you to stay the way you are…But if you decide to marry [and have children], you have not sinned…But those who marry [and have children] will have trouble in this life, and I want you to be free from trouble.” Hmmm….

Marriage is not the only option, and the ability to remain single is actually a gift from God. And children aren’t a requirement either, since when Paul advises not to marry, he is inherently advising not to have children.

So where would Paul stand on being married and childfree? I would never dare to put words in his mouth or assert my opinion as Biblical Truth. But personally, I know that God uses my husband to help me grow, and that I’m a better person because of him. And I also know that the ministry God has given us as a couple would not exist if we had children, because they would become our priority. We could not invest in others at the level we do today.

Based on Corinthians 7, I think Dr. Mohler’s statement is a bit of a stretch.

I’m certainly no theologian, but I think that when the Bible is vague on an issue, it’s probably best to let God decide how to work it out in individual lives and not assume the responsibility for yourself.

According to Dr. Mohler, the Apostle Paul, who was personally visited by God, was responsible for bringing the Gospel to the Gentiles, and wrote the majority of the New Testament, was "morally rebellious and did not fulfill the responsibilities of adulthood". So who do I believe – Paul or Mohler…Paul or Mohler…?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Jane is Purple!

2007-08-31T09:46:00.000-04:00

I went to the movies with a lady friend this week. It was spontaneous and fun. Of course, we saw a "chick flick", one I could never drag my husband to. And, who knew? Not only is Jane Austen a childfree woman, she remained single all her life. Look what she was able to create!

Becoming Jane

Purple Women^TM who did not skip English Lit class in high school will already know this. Now I might have to give her a read.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Blessings from the Blogosphere

2007-08-31T09:28:00.000-04:00

Okay, that title is a little silly, and by some, what we write about here is regarded the same, but for others it really resonates and reflects their experience. WordWench, a Purple Woman, put this gift today on a post I published on April 2, 2007:

Married Childfree Catholic

"Thank you so much for this blog! I can't believe I have found it.
I am 39 years old, Catholic and single. I am also a woman who since the age of 18 has known that I did not want children. This is simply because I have never desired to have them and also because I know I am not parent material. I do not have the patience to go through all of the daily things that raising children involves. And I simply have never desired to be a mother.
This in no way means I am not a caring person...I feel I can show my nurturing and caring side through the extensive volunteer work I do with the blind and at a local food bank, and the care I give to animals. I also live with my elderly father and help him out (I am an only child, mother deceased.)
As a Catholic who has remained single (just haven't found right man) I find myself feeling increasingly alienated in my local church and also in the church at large because of this overwhelming idea that only those who procreate are 'in the right'.
I value so much the woman's comment about free will. If God had meant me to be a mother, wouldn't He have given me that natural desire? Instead, God I feel gave me the discernment from an early age to know what I was NOT meant to do as well as what I was meant to do. I feel it would be TRULY selfish of me to marry and have children just because I felt it was what I was supposed to do, rather than what I truly desired.
I am so glad there are others out there voicing this because I really feel lately like there is no place for me in my Church. Thank you."
August 30, 2007 11:31

You're welcome! Please visit the blogs of other Purple Women^TM as listed in the Childfree Love links in the sidebar.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Change is in the Air

2007-08-29T09:46:00.000-04:00

I look at the calendar and I know that autumn begins officially on September 22. Maybe it's because I live in California, where we supposedly "don't have seasons", but the start of school always gives me pause. I'd rather have a more noticeable change in season by measuring the percent color on the trees.

Kids went back to public school this week. I knew it was coming because my Sunday newspaper got thicker about the end of July with all the back to school ads. An entire economy markets to this and the community rallies, except for me. Purple Women^TM are invisible this time of year. It's a little known fact.

What are the true seasons of my childfree life? Will I mark them with my first gray hair as I marked turning 40 by "going short"? The passing of a loved one? Buying a home and choosing a community to finally settle down in? Starting a business?

Ever since I was a child I have always asked myself, "what difference will I make?" That question holds more weight for me, and it is how I will mark my seasons, indeed my very existence. It will not be measured by the pitter-patter of someone else's feet. I will walk there on my own. Well, maybe I'll be riding a horse, or paddling my kayak!

Flickr photo by sacrifice_87, cc
Technorati Tag: Childfree

What do we regret?

2007-08-21T17:12:00.000-04:00

Most people imagine that I will eventually regret my decision to remain childless. They think of me as childless, not childfree. But what, if anything, will I regret when I get older? This new survey suggests some of the possiblities.

The London Daily Mail reported that a survey commissioned by the U.K based Bradford & Bingley bank revealed that 22 percent of married women aged 35-44 regret their choice of husband. The survey also found that one in twelve of the women surveyed wished they had never married at all.

It is interesting that significantly more women than men wish they had married someone else. However this wasn’t even close to being the top regret revealed by this survey of 1,250 British women.

What were the most common regrets?

Travel: 53 percent of those surveyed wished they had traveled more before settling down.

Money: 37 percent wished they had saved more.

That rings true to me. I have never wished for another husband, never wished for a child. But I do hope to save more so we can travel more often.

Close to one in four British women wish they had chosen someone else to marry. But that is a minority; 56 percent of the married women surveyed said they were "very happy" with their marriage.

Only one in five wanted another kid.

Flickr Photo by shapeshift

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple What?

2007-08-20T09:57:00.000-04:00

I drive around town in a little black Toyota Celica. I was so excited to be moving back to my home country and state of California, I celebrated by ordering my first ever custom plates last fall. Apparently, someone already had PRPL WMN, so I had to settle for PPL WMN. Now, that could stand for People Woman, instead of Purple Women^TM. It's not a bad connotation, but I am pretty happy with what I got, and even if I am the only one who knows what it really stands for!

Unless of course, I am asked by someone directly. I had a reason to stop by a new acquaintance's house on Sunday. He was showing me around when his wife came home from the store. I would describe them as one and a half generations ahead of me, true blue baby boomers with all the trappings, probably three kids would be my guess -- as a purple woman, of course, I didn't inquire. His wife noticed my license plate and asked me about what it meant, so I told her about the blog that I've been running for two years. I said it was about women who are childfree. She made a joke and in a plaintive wail said, "You mean what do you do when the children are gone?" Um, no. That's not exactly what we are doing here.

Her husband came to my rescue; I think I had given him my Purple Women^TM business card when we were first introduced, and he has probably paid us a visit in the blogosphere. He said, "You know two of our daughters are childfree."

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Ahhhh....Helen!

2007-08-16T23:38:00.000-04:00

A quote by Helen Mirren posted by Childfree New England..

Technorati Tag: Childfree

A Woman's Worth

2007-08-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

I received my US social security notice today. It tells me what I have paid into the fund and what I can expect to get when I retire. In this climate of fiscal insecurity, with a president who lives by the spend now, pay later credo, I expect to receive nothing from the amount I’ve contributed. My cynicism will be rewarded, I’m sure. You get what you expect.

The fact is I came to this country as an immigrant. I couldn’t work for the first two years as I waited for my green card application to go through, so I volunteered my time working with at-risk youth. My husband was transferred to the United States on a temporary working visa, sponsored by the company that hired him. If he got fired, we would have been sent back.

When I finally got the green card, I started working part-time for a company as a consultant, working for $30.00 an hour, coaching employees of big companies how to be more productive. On the side, I wrote and edited for others. I loved the writing and editing jobs. Problem was they never payed much. So when I retire, my prospects for public assistance are few and grim.

At 45 years old, my pole-dancing days are over, much as I aspire to it on a given night. My prospects for future sustainable income are enhanced by the fact that I used to be employee of the month at Wendy’s, I can turn a phrase, and I have a good work ethic. A thin resumé, at best.

I take solace in the fact that I gave a heroin addict two bucks on Wakiki Beach because he told a good story, sang a funny song, and had a parrot on his shoulder. I need to work on my act a bit, but I figure I could do as well if need be.

Luckily, my husband’s pension is better than mine. He’s been the breadwinner, and he assures me that there’s money there when he eventually gets around to giving notice. But I’m not ready to give notice.

What is a woman’s worth?

What you make of it, I say.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

How I Became a Purple Woman

2007-08-06T09:26:00.000-04:00

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

As a child, I vividly recall one Christmas in particular - for weeks beforehand, all I wanted was a Glow Worm, nothing else. (If you're a child of the 80s, you might remember!). My relatives seemed slightly puzzled by my choice. They kept asking me why I didn't want a Cabbage Patch doll or Tiny Tears, and they kept insisting I'd change my mind. I stood firm, though - I told them that I wasn't interested in "some stupid, boring doll", even though it seemed practically every girl I knew wanted one.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Tiny Tears doll and no sign of a Glow Worm anywhere. Strangely, though, I wasn't surprised I'd been given a doll. I knew I was expected to play with it and at least give the appearance of loving it. You hardly need to be a psychologist to see the pattern emerging. . .

Other incidents come to mind: when my cousin gave birth to her first child, I congratulated her on the card and not her husband. My mother told me I'd forgotten to put her husband's name down and I told her I didn't. Why should I? She'd done all the hard work, not him. My mother was scandalized, of course, and insisted I add his name but I knew I was right.

I also remember when I was about twelve and letters were sent home from school about the Rubella vaccine. I asked why we needed it and when my mother explained why, I crossed my arms and earnestly pointed out that I didn't need it because I wasn't ever going to have children. (Of course, I had to have it anyway. . .)

In retrospect, it's glaringly obvious that I was what you might call an "early articulator"!

Tellingly, every time I tried to express my feelings, I was pressured, patronized and occasionally treated like I ate babies for breakfast. Unfortunately, some things are slow to change. . .

As I progressed through adolescence, I was bombarded by messages from the media and society in general that motherhood was the greatest experience a woman could have. A childless woman was ( for me anyway) rarer than a unicorn sighting. (I'd never even heard the term "childfree").

The few childfree women I knew were objects of pity and scorn, if not downright viciousness - even though they all seemed far happier than almost all the mothers I knew. From quite a young age, I sensed that the derision these women faced was prompted by jealousy yet nobody was willing to admit it.

I was old enough by then to recognize the financial and emotional strain parenting put on a person. My own mother often seemed stressed out, depressed, frustrated and resentful. I was puzzled by this: she was the first one to lash out at "career women", as they were then called, yet motherhood didn't seem to make her happy. Odd as this may sound, I was grateful things turned out that way: it forced me to open my eyes and think and decide for myself. It meant I learned to disregard society's expectations, no easy thing in staunchly Catholic Ireland in the 1980s, and understand that no one could live my life for me.

When I was 20, I started reading feminist works by authors such as Gloria Steinem, Naomi Wolf, Susan Faludi, etc. Inspiring as they were (and still are) there was still something I couldn't pinpoint until years later: even feminist writings seemed to assume that women were or would be mothers. A turning point for me came when I stumbled across a copy of Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap in a used bookstore. This book had a profound and lasting effect on me. I felt relieved, thrilled, vindicated. It confirmed what I'd always known and I was so comforted to know I wasn't alone, that there were people out there who shared my feelings. For years my not wanting children had almost felt like a dirty secret.

I was 23 when my niece was born and even though I could see the appeal of babies and why a woman would want one, I still had not the slightest desire to have one of my own. My youngest sister was born when I was 14 so I have some idea of the level of sacrifice, exhaustion, worry and expense involved.

My 30th birthday was a milestone for me, like it is for many people. It was actually quite depressing because I seemed to be the only one who wasn't a mother - it really brought home how isolated I was, even though I've never regretted my decision. Despite being on the receiving end of a few snide comments of the "just wait till you hit thirty" variety, the older I get, the more certain I am that I've made the right decision for me.

Over the years, I've gotten every bingo going - I'm sure most Purple Women will know what I mean. The one that I get most often is "it's selfish not to have children".

Ahhh, that old classic. Except it cuts no ice with me.

I tell people if they look it up in any dictionary, it'll be defined as being concerned only with one's own welfare with total disregard to others, or something similar. Exactly how does my choosing not to have children affect them? It doesn't really - except that it makes them consider their own choices. If that makes them antsy, all I can say is that they can't have been that secure about their choices in the first place.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the fact that I have wondered what will happen when I get older. Will I look back and regret not having children? I truly believe that I won't. And if I do? I would far rather regret not having children than having children and regretting it.

I never volunteer the information that I'm childfree - not because I'm embarrassed about it, but because I can't be bothered wasting energy explaining and defending my choice.

I make it a point never to ask anyone about their children or if they have any in social settings. It saddens me that in the 21st century society persists in glorifying motherhood, while women who choose not to become mothers are all too often viewed in a negative manner.

There is hope, however. I believe that generations to come will realize that parenting is a choice and not a predetermined, unalterable path. If people really think about whether or not to have children, the happier everyone will be.

Ask any Purple Woman and they'll tell you that not conforming to society's expectations can be difficult sometimes, no matter how happy you are with your decision.

Remember that the path less traveled has its own rewards.

And remember this piece of advice my grandmother gave me which I've never forgotten, and never fails to make me smile:

"If it won't make you laugh, it won't make you cry either!"

[Editor's note: AlphaGirl reviewed The Baby Trap for us last year. If you are interested in picking up a good book in the childfree genre, just click on the book review topic a little lower in the sidebar to see all our reviews. If you click on the link under the title "Feed Your Mind" and purchase your next book via Amazon.com, you will be supporting this site!]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Other People's Children

2007-08-01T14:34:00.000-04:00

In childfree circles Other People’s Children, or OPC, is sometimes used to refer to the progeny of parents, often in a negative way. For example: A perfectly good meal can be ruined by OPC.

However, I’m a people watcher. Imagine the fun I would miss if I weren’t surrounded by children in many of the public spaces I frequent.

For example, I was sitting in the Buffalo airport recently watching families load their kids on planes. I was amazed at all the stuff parents have to bring: car seats, stroller, diaper bags, blankies, the treasured stuffed animals, the snacks, and the sippy cups. Getting these kids onboard can be like herding cats onto the arc, so US Airways gives priority boarding to people with children.

Do I resent that parents are invited to load first? Absolutely, not. I want them to get the extra time they need to get seated, strapped in, reassured, and comforted with toys and goodies. Because I have to share a plane with them.

Happy kids are fun to fly with. They laugh, they remind us how wonderfully awesome clouds are, and sometimes they make honest, and hilarious, observations about things adults don’t like to talk about. Like what happens when the toilet flushes—where does it go?

On the other hand, unhappy kids are not fun to fly with.

On the trip to Buffalo, I shared a row with a man and his son. Fifteen minutes into the flight his seat was being kicked by the child seated behind him. He very politely, but sternly, requested “Please, could you stop kicking the seat.” The child stopped but then started up again about five minutes later. Again the man asked, quite a bit louder this time,“Would you stop kicking the seat, please? “ I was surprised that the parent accompanying the child behind us didn’t disapline her child, but the child did stop kicking.

I thought, “Wow, it worked.” Later, he offered a snack to the child behind us, the former offender. Very charitable, I thought. Then he started talking to the woman seated behind me. Clearly they were married. The kid who was kicking the seat was his son.

Hmmmm. Could it be that parents are just as annoyed by their kid’s behavior as non-parents are? I watched this man clean up after in-flight snacks. The cups was emptied and dryed with the napkin. The slightly damp napkin was used to sweep up stray pretzel crumbs off the trays. I began to suspect this man liked his surroundings to be kept neat and tidy. Yet with two young boys, I doubted they were.

Childfree people have an enviable automomy. We lead relatively self-directed lives. We don’t have to worry how a child’s behavior might reflect on us, or how we will manage to clean up the messes, or get two kids and all their stuff cross country. We can avoid OPC if we want to. Parents don’t have that luxury.

Yet, this guy appeared pretty happy with his lot. We chatted. I found out he was on vacation with his family, flying to Western New York. He was headed for Cooperstown, NY, home of the National Baseball Hall of Fame, to attend a softball tournament and cheer on his son’s team. Every father’s dream…

So I was left thinking, “These are the joys of parenthood. This is what makes up for the all the hardships, worries, kicked seats.” Perhaps that is why the childfree occasionally complain about other people’s children. We get the inconveniences but without the benefits.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Down Under

2007-08-01T10:40:00.000-04:00

Guest Post by Helen
Childfree Australian
(Australian spelling!)

In Australia, we’re heading into an election campaign, so an important issue that affects all women is starting to get some attention. I’m not talking about the environment or the economy. The issue is paid maternity leave.

Australia is one of the few OECD members that does not have a paid maternity leave scheme – instead we have the baby bonus, that ‘removes discrimination against non-working mothers'. A recent survey found that 76% supported paid maternity leave for working women, with 78% of those in support of paid maternity leave in favour of the financial responsibility being shared jointly by employers, workers and the Federal Government. 71% supported a scheme funded by employers and employees only. This would be on top of the already generous package of assistance offered to new parents who are entitled to up to 12 months of leave (which many employers contribute to), a 30% childcare rebate and flexible working arrangements. A state politician is even calling for parents to get extra votes so the rights of children will be explicitly recognised in our society!

Paid maternity leave wouldn’t cost much in comparison to the existing benefits for families. But that’s just the nominal cost, which would cover the salary of pregnant women for up to 6 months after the birth of their child.

A far greater cost may be paid by those who won’t benefit from these arrangements: women who are not planning to have children.

The assumption that everyone wants children exists in law. The Sex Discrimination Act makes it illegal to discriminate against ‘women of child-bearing age’ on the grounds of pregnancy or potential pregnancy. However there are still indications that this happens on a regular basis.

Small and medium businesses say that they cannot afford to pay employees who are not working, as well as paying for temporary staff to cover for them. Business organisations argue that employers won't recruit women if they know at some stage they'll be required to pay thousands of dollars in benefits and staff replacement costs.

I’ve got to say that as a Purple Woman I find this pretty insulting. I don’t want to be judged according to my potential to breed but according to my potential to contribute to the world. Just like men are judged.

Flickr photo by chrisjohnbeckett (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Purple Closet

2007-07-31T13:13:00.000-04:00

I find myself in new situations all the time, since moving back to the town where we got married nine years ago. We bought a house, so now you know we're committed. Yep, we're settling in the for the long haul, and we're in the 'burbs -- the outer limit of the greater San Francisco Bay Area. We even adopted four girls. Chickens that is.

We've been here about 10 months now, and I thought I'd report in from a purple perspective on how all this is going. We find ourselves surrounded by families with kids. That much has not changed. It's still a great place to raise children, and that's partly why I felt so alienated when we first moved here as newlyweds. It's the new developments that tipped the balance in my decision about whether or not we should live here for the the foreseeable remainder of our lives. For example, we now have our very own Trader Joe's, and there's an outlet mall under consideration by the city council.

Out of all the places we could have chosen in the Bay Area, this was not first on my list. This is my husband's home town, and we have many friends here that he knows from the kindergarten days. Being welcomed back to a place is a most wonderful feeling. I am also making a concerted effort to meet new people, to expand the possibilities of our social horizons. In particular, I wanted to connect with other childfree people, not just on the Internet.

In the new social circle that is forming around us, the question about kids always comes up right away. More for me, than for my husband. Men simply don't go there. Women do. I usually handle it matter of fact-ly. I don't go around introducing myself as the Purple Woman, but I get it out there now. And, then I move on. Next topic?

I don't define myself by a my vocation or my family choice, and I am only associated with an "old family" by marriage as I kept my last name. Getting to know the real me takes a little time. My husband has four generations of history in this valley. It may also take time for us to overcome preconceived notions that others have about childfree people in general. We are in no hurry.

I like what I see in this community. I like who I am meeting and how the place has grown, all-be-it very slowly. There are lovely vineyard-esque housing developments set to a backdrop of generous rolling hills. The downtown redevelopment has gone very well, and the trees and wisteria will only be more beautiful as time goes on. My favorite stores are still there, as well as a few new ones. There are two or three restaurants we'd feel confident to taking visitors to. How many more do you really need?

I get a little nervous telling my new acquaintances about Purple Women & Friends. It's a growth area for me. Still working on coming out of the deep purple closet. Somehow, I am more intimidated to be openly childfree in a suburban setting, but so far so good.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

News Just In--Happy Childfree Couples!

2007-07-26T13:51:00.000-04:00

This morning, ABC’s Good Morning America aired a segment titled Couples Happy to be Child-free.

The segment featured two couples who made the choice to remain childfree and I was happy to see that the ABC producers chose sound bites during which the couples challenged "the childfree hate kids" assumption.

After the segment, the GMA anchors suggested viewers share their opinions on this topic on the ABC website. In the four hours after this segment aired, over 450 comments were posted, many debating whether or not childfree couples are selfish. Also included in these comments were postings from parents who admitted that if they had it to do over again they would have chosen not to have kids.

Is this news? Not to us. But what is news is the fact that Pew Research Center recently reported a significant decline in the number of Americans who agree "that children are very important to a successful marriage."

The ABC segment quoted Cary Funk, a researcher at Pew, who said (of the survey respondents):

"About 65 percent say that the main purpose [of marriage] is to form a union for personal happiness and fulfillment as opposed to having and raising children."

So it appears that the majority of Americans are motivated to marry in order to achieve personal happiness and fulfillment.

Personal happiness and fulfillment. I suspect that might be what everyone would want for themselves, married or unmarried. Kids or no kids. So, is that a selfish motive?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Not Cool

2007-07-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

Guest Post by
Anonymous Purple Woman

One of the greatest things about the Internet is the way you can connect with others to share ideas and points of view; however, I have been forced to question this recently because of my experience on my own blog. There are some people out there that I definitely do not want to deal with.

Here’s my story:

I’m twenty nine. For a few years I’ve realized that I don’t want to have my own children. Though I’ve done quite a bit of volunteer work with children, I’m just not willing to cope with them 24/7. This wasn’t something that I discussed with people. In fact it didn’t arise as an issue until I married two years ago and started being perceived in a new way – as a potential mother. Just before I got engaged I started my blog as a personal diary. I wrote about issues that I cared about which, after I married, increasingly included the difficulties being childfree in a child filled world.

Like many of us, I got the kid question and the condescending response “of course you’ll change your mind”. The more people asked the more infuriating it became. So, as many people do, I took it out in the blog, writing down what I wanted to say to people, if only they would listen.

When I found relevant articles in the press I would link them and comment on them. At first, I didn’t have problems with comments. When I said something that people didn’t agree with they did weigh in, but in a civil way, stating why they disagreed. I was happy to respond.

When my posts became more personal, someone got angry. One post of mine in particular about "bad experiences with parents in public places who ignore the effect their children have on others" was linked to their website and mocked. Now this person has a “weekly feature” making fun of my posts has started. It’s all very high school. Other posts on this anonymously authored site mock local TV personalities and café owners. I don’t know who the psycho is who is doing this, but I do know that it makes me miserable that they are getting their kicks this way.

Reasonable discussion isn’t an option when someone is calling you a bad person. Or is it? I’d be very interested in your point of view.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Top 10 Ways

2007-07-25T20:40:00.001-04:00

...to Have a Party Without Kids...

Be direct. Say it's an adult party, clothing optional. "Let's do some swinging!"
Have a "No Weenies, Just Martinis" party. Serve only martinis and insist everyone have one. Remind guests that it's a drought year and you're trying to conserve water. (Okay, this will only work in the Western U.S.)
On the announcement, tell your guests a White Elephant gift exchange is planned and to bring a gift-wrapped adult toy to the party.
When you leave a follow up message to see if they're coming, ask each guest to bring their best dirty joke or limerick.
Use a good swear word or two when you're calling again to see about their RSVP status.
If you actually get them on the phone, say, "you don't mind if we do a little "weed/crack/snort/coke/heroine/spleef/dubbie/hash" do you?" Wait -- no one will come if you do that.
Mention that there will be no lifeguard at your backyard pool party, even if you don't have a pool.
If your friend calls you to ask if you really meant it about their kids, say in a firm voice, "Yes, because my cats hate all children."
If they still want to bring their kids, mention that you have really cool neighbors and they are going to come over too, so everyone's going to get "really crazy".
If none of the above works, look up their son/daughter's MySpace page and tell how much you really want them to be there because you want to set them up with your niece/nephew from (somewhere they'd hate to visit). Oh, and that you'll be playing Twister.

Purple Women^TM I am jesting, of course!

Flickr photo by vanse1980 (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

To Be A Woman

2007-07-23T09:28:00.000-04:00

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

"It is insulting and condescending, not to mention untrue, to claim that a childfree person is somehow incapable of understanding and experiencing the depth and variety of emotion a childed person does."

Last month, I bumped into an old friend of mine I hadn't seen for several months. She looked pale and haggard and a good deal thinner. I suggested we go for lunch to catch up. On our way to the cafe, she told me that she'd taken a leave of absence from her job to care for her elderly father, who'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. All I could do was listen as she confided in me about her father's deteriorating condition - she was finding it increasingly difficult to care for him though she's a nurse, yet she wouldn't hear of him being put into a home.

In the meantime, two women were at the table behind us - one of them had a baby aged about six months. I couldn't help overhearing the mother say to her friend "You don't know what exhaustion or sacrifice is till you've had a baby".

Uhmmm . . . excuse me? Isn't what my friend doing a sacrifice? She also looked pretty exhausted to me!

I was offended by her comments but it got me thinking. Why do some parents feel the need to hijack emotions in this manner? It's not just exhaustion or sacrifice the childfree apparently don't understand.

It's unconditional love. It's true happiness. It's selflessness. It's responsibility.

What does this mean?

Are we to believe that our own experiences and feelings pale in comparison to those of parents? Are we to believe that every life experience, no matter how good or bad, no matter how ordinary or extraordinary, can't possibly compete with the exalted state of parenthood?

As for parents themselves, why are they so quick to dismiss and invalidate their lives pre-children?

Irritating as this is, there's something else which disturbs me: the sometimes spoken, sometimes implied belief that you have not fully lived life until you become a parent.

The belief that as a childfree person, you are in a state of arrested emotional development. The belief that raising children is the only worthwhile thing doing in life. The belief that simply by reproducing you automatically become a complete person. The belief that children are necessary to allow you to fulfill your potential as a human being - which includes living through the whole gamut of human emotion.

Hogwash, I say.

Parental hijacking also makes me suspicious. If you are at peace with the decisions you make, it should not be necessary to "big yourself up" by dismissing and invalidating your life pre-children. It is insulting and condescending, not to mention untrue, to claim that a childfree person is somehow incapable of understanding and experiencing the depth and variety of emotion a childed person does. It is not the job of the child to help you fulfill your potential. That responsibility is yours and yours alone.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Tick Tock

2007-07-23T01:53:00.000-04:00

Purple Women^TM do not suffer from the biological clock. We've made a decision, however, since we are not really purple, there is really no good way for people to know that just because we happen to be a woman, we do not plan on becoming a mother.

Carrie Friedman of Los Angeles illustrates this point beautifully in her guest editorial for Newsweek. Carrie looks forward to being a mother and even admits she infantilizes her pet dog, but she doesn't want people asking her about her family status all the time. She calls out the double-standard that women are held to, noting that her husband does not get the same invasive questioning.

I hope you have a chance to read her article: Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock (Newsweek, My Turn; page 16; July 23, 2007).

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree and Pet-Free

2007-07-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

When people ask if we have pets I respond: "Heck no, I can can barely keep a plant alive!"

It’s true. If plants could talk, Home Depot would be at my door demanding I relinquish custody of their neglected fern. My lucky bamboo is lucky indeed, having survived months in stale, stagnant water.

We are childfree and pet-free, in part, because we could never figure out how we could manage to take responsibility for dependent beings, given our crazy lifestyle.

When I married my husband, he was working in international sales and I was a fashion sales agent. There were many times when we wouldn’t see each other for three weeks at a stretch. Our work, and our vacation travel, has taken us hundreds and thousands of miles away from home.

Even now, our luggage is stored in the laundry room so we can unpack, wash, and repack. I suspect there are some pairs of my husband’s socks that have never seen the inside of a drawer.

So when the assignment editor at Unscripted e-zine, a web-based publication focused on childfree living, was looking for someone to write a feature on pet-free CF folks, I volunteered to do some research and report back.

The resulting article No Kids and No Pets exposes the common rationales for pet-free living. I was surprised how many dog lovers I encountered amongst the pet-free. They expressed sentiments similar to mine: my husband and I both like dogs, but we like them too much to leave them for weeks at a time with a pet-sitter or parked at a kennel.

We don’t have pets for many of the same reasons we don’t have kids. I feel guilty enough about the plant; at least I won’t ever have to worry about the animal protection folks or social services at my door.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meltdown on Aisle Five

2007-07-17T10:58:00.000-04:00

You know the topic: Other People's Children (OPC). We've blogged about this before, but on a limited, non-rant basis. That's a hallmark of Purple Women^TM, to avoid base ranting at the possible cost of being a little boring. It serves no purpose, except for commiserating. Still, it has earned a spot in our topic list, and the topic is unavoidable. The subject of OPC is easy fodder. Here's another take.

I stumbled upon a relatively new childfree blog yesterday. (The more the better. Our topic doesn't get enough accurate exposure in the mainstream media, so we make up for it in the blogosphere.) The front page post was a typical rant complaining about OPC in public spaces. Get used to it, kids have a right to exist and parents cannot control every move an offspring makes. There's lots of advice out there to help parents manage their tots, but even if they follow all that well-meaning advice, it still may not work. As one tipster offered, "shop when kids are in school or at home eating dinner"!

I recently got to try my hand at substitute teaching. The school year is over now and I am trying to decide whether or not to go back to it in the fall. I had one special education class that I will never forget. These poor kids couldn't even sit still. All of them were medicated. Pill-popping is our society's solution to the problem.

The kids you see acting up at the mall up may not be controllable without medication. I've seen it up close and personal. Some families try hard to avoid that solution. There are examples within my own family. I think we childfree make a huge assumption that parents can control their kids. Perhaps some are just not equipped with the right skill set, but consider that the deck may be stacked against them. It scares me a little to go down this line of thinking. Is our environment so toxic that our children are sick?

The special ed class I subbed for was so tough, I was compelled to go to the library to read up on it. The diagnoses of autism have increased dramatically in the last decade or so. It is a whole continuum of degrees of illness. Some autistic people are highly functioning, but they do not relate to the world in the same way. There is a lot of speculation about autism being linked to mercury. I hope there is a lot more research done in this area, because I believe our society needs to make some fundamental changes and reverse this trend. In the meantime, eat organic, and let's do what we can to support these challenged parents. We are not qualified to make the diagnosis, nor is it our place to discipline someone else's child. Parents do the best they can, just as our own did. All we can offer them is our patience and a little understanding.

Flickr photo by sean_alexander (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Miss Bloggy Pants

2007-07-17T10:17:00.001-04:00

That's what my husband dubbed me when I first discovered blogging. A few months later, I created this blog and the concept of Purple Women^TM. I was planning to write a book. Now this blog fits the bill.

Truth is, forums never appealed to me. Too much "noise" and off-topic or negative banter for my taste, plus, I thought that blogs were nicer to look at. I try to blog well. I take liberties with humour and punctuation, as my proofreader (and I do need one) will vouch for. Sometimes it works; sometimes if doesn't.

One of the things I appreciate most about blogging is the ability to connect with others, to discover a new line of thinking. You can take this discovery a step farther by joining the debate or leaving a comment, and the highest form of flattery is to be "linked to". It's generous and risky. There's always a chance that a reader will click away without reading every single post on your front page, but I say, let the journey continue. Offering links that are related is a kind of service, or recommendation. It increases the search engine ranking of the link recipient's site. Pretty cool huh?

I was catching up on a rather well-written blog in the childfree genre this morning. I like the tone of the writing, but dislike that it is a strictly commercial blog, written by the author of a humor book in the same genre. It's probably in her publishing contract to continue writing the blog so as to sell more books. All the links in her sidebar have to do with how to buy her book, no other external links. I think that's a shame. I link to her blog anyway because she does a really good job on a topic that needs more exposure. I will decline to give her another plug here, but she did inspire my next post on the topic of...

...children in restaurants and how much we childfree like to complain about it.

I'd like to take a moment to all the people who have linked to this blog or told someone about it. I was surprised recently to find that our logo image was featured in AnitaD's sidebar! Feel free to do the same. (Just right click and save it to your hard-drive, then place it in your sidebar.) Wear it with pride, and if you would like to have the image on an actual button, send me an email with your address. It's almost time to reorder.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Against All Logic

2007-07-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to Purple Women^TM

It is completely illogical for my husband and I not to have children. When people point this out to me I always agree, which tends to throw them for a loop. But I know they’re right.

My husband and I have a very strong Christ-centered marriage. We both have good jobs and have the financial resources to raise a child. My husband even has the option of taking a few years off to be a full-time dad. We don’t have any physical, mental, or emotional barriers that would affect our ability to parent. And we have an excellent network of family and friends who would provide a great source of support and strength. We’ve got the whole happy-family package, yet we will not have a child. Makes no sense.

And simply because it makes no sense, others in the Christian community are prone to assume that I am not following God’s will. I beg to differ.

Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

It doesn’t say anything about those plans being logical to the population at large.

I mean think about it – this is the God who told Noah to build an ark to prepare for a flood, at a time when the world had never even seen rain. The same God who enabled Joshua to defeat the walls of Jericho by having him march around the city a few times and yell really loud. If God did everything in a way that makes sense to us, we wouldn’t really need to trust Him. And if the world could be run on common sense alone, why would we really need God at all?

In a strange sort of way, when I don’t understand what God is doing with my life, I gain confidence that I am in His will. He’s never led me astray, and I have no reason to doubt Him now. After all, He’s simply asking me not to procreate – if plans for an ark mysteriously show up in my mailbox, then I’ll start panicking.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Moral Superiority

2007-07-13T17:02:00.000-04:00

Guest Post by LynnS
Childfree Irish Lass (yes, blogging from Ireland!)

Does being a parent make you morally superior? Why does this generation in particular act like they invented parenthood?

A few weeks ago, I was chatting to a woman I'd just met at a social function. She seemed very chatty and friendly and we were getting on really well. Until, that is, she hit me with The Question. Yes, you know the one I mean. The "do you have kids?" question. I responded the way I usually do - I calmly and politely replied that I didn't.

"Well, I have two, and I can tell you, you
don't know what you're missing".

And just like that, her whole attitude changed. One moment, we'd been having a civilized conversation, the next she was literally looking down her nose at me. What could possibly have caused her to judge me and find me inferior in those few seconds? She is a parent and I am not. In her eyes, and in the eyes of most of society, that makes her somehow superior to me.

It's not the first time this has happened to me, and I bet it won't be the last. It does beg the question, though: exactly why do so many parents feel morally superior, especially to non-parents?

Popular wisdom has it that being a parent is the most important job in the world. I disagree. If parenting were advertised as a job, would you take it? Think about it: no sick leave, no holiday leave, no overtime pay, being on duty 24/7. Not to mention the fact that handing in your notice if it gets too much isn't really an option. Perhaps it's not surprising, then, that some parents are so self-congratulatory.

But wait a minute. Isn't parenting an option? For our generation, certainly. We now have the choice to forgo parenthood altogether, if we choose. Doesn't being a parent make you a better person? Not necessarily. I have seen people who are so stressed out from the unrelenting demands of parenthood that they certainly are not better people. The exact opposite, in fact.

One thing I have noticed is how often parents claim that being a parent makes you a lot less selfish and more concerned about the state of the world. Even if you feel you could do with a little self-improvement and contribute more to society, surely it shouldn't be necessary to become a parent to accomplish that?

What about today's parents, then? My gut feeling is that we live in such a heavily pronatalist world it's hardly surprising so many of them feel superior. No wonder they act like they've invented parenthood.
Society worships children. Society is obsessed with them. More than ever before.

Kids eat free. Kids fly free. Kids stay free. You get the picture.

If you have produced a little being, ta-dah! Instant status!

If you haven't. . . well, you don't know what you're missing. You're shallow/selfish/irresponsible/immature. Your life is incomplete without one. You're not a real adult, and you're definitely not a real woman. Or so society in general would like you to think.

People are still led to believe that children equal nirvana. Despite the thousands of children languishing in foster care. Despite the abuse statistics. Despite the fact that rapists, murderers, terrorists were once somebody's children. Despite the fact that studies are consistently showing the strain children place on relationships and finances. Need I go on?

Of course, there are superb parents out there. In my experience, these are the ones who will admit that children demand sacrifice and that parenthood can be exhausting and thankless. They will admit that parenting isn't for everybody, and they won't try to ram their life choices down your throat. They certainly won't think that the mere fact of being parents means they're morally superior.

Next time you find yourself bingoed, remember this: parenting is nothing new. It's been going on for millennia. Giving birth is no miracle when millions of women are doing that every day. As a childfree person, you don't need a Mini-Me to make your life complete. You've most likely thought long and hard about your decision to be childfree, rather than blindly following society's script. You realize that there are lots of other ways you can contribute, and that raising children isn't the only worthwhile thing in life.

Finally, it means realizing that some people just aren't capable of understanding and it's impossible to have a rational discussion with them. The only thing to do is ignore it and move on. Anyone who thinks they're superior to you simply because they're a parent clearly has issues. If, like me, you find yourself almost starting to feel guilty, remember that.

In the end, what you think of yourself is really all that matters.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meet LynnS

2007-07-13T13:02:00.000-04:00

Lynn S is out newest guest contributor. She's from Ireland, she's thirty-something, and is owned by a samoyed. When she's not working in the health care field, she enjoys reading, writing, shopping, yoga, and ensuring that her owner is kept in the style he's accustomed to. She's looking forward to posting and is always pleased to meet other Purple Women™

Technorati Tag: Childfree

When is a Purple Woman Green?

2007-07-09T12:02:00.000-04:00

I watched part of the Live Earth concert series this past weekend. The music and media stars who participated in the concerts in New York, Tokyo, Shanghai, Johannesburg, Hamburg, London, Rio de Janeiro, Sydney, and Washington waived their appearance fees and pledged to cut their CO2 emissions.

So I am inspired to come up with new ways to reduce my personal environmental footprint.

Hmmmm. I already recycle; I bought the expensive "sundowner" windows for the house to save energy; I carpool when I can; I changed all the exterior lights to the energy-saving ones. But I can do more.

I pledge to use cloth bags for groceries. I pledge to refill my plastic water bottles instead of buying more. I pledge to continue taking my birth control pills.

Looking back on my Fourth of July week on the beach—all those discarded swim diapers, styrofoam coolers, and plastic beach toys—I’m thinking that my birth control pledge might be the easiest and best one yet.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Welcome Shelley

2007-07-03T06:00:00.000-04:00

Please help me welcome Shelley to the Purple Women^TM site as our newest Regular Contributor. Shelley is new to blogging, but seems to be a natural, and we can all be jealous that she is still 20-something!

She is employed as a Human Resources Manager and describes herself as a Southern girl trying to “embrace her Faith without shutting off her brain.” She says she tries to lead a practical Christian life in the Bible Belt with her husband of 7 years. They have recently decided that the only “children” she will ever have will be the furry four-legged variety. Her current fur-kids include a kitty named Tillman and a retired racing Greyhound, Bowman. The 1st person who can figure out why these pet names are significant and leave a comment gets a "Purple Woman!" button. Post your guesses here.

Shelley and her husband lead a home group, their church’s version of Sunday School for other young couples without children, and they provided the encouragement she needed to start the blogging journey with End of the Tunnel. Please welcome Shelley to our Purple space in the blogosphere!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Just Be Yourself

2007-06-27T07:00:00.000-04:00

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to PW&F
Personal Blog: End of the Tunnel

You’ve heard it a million times – whether you’re getting ready for a first date, preparing for a job interview, or meeting the future in-laws, someone always offers the sage advice to “just be yourself.”

This is probably the world’s most widely used adage, and it sounds so simple on the surface. But when people give this advice, do they really understand what they’re saying?

Because if you’re truly being yourself, you are guaranteed to irritate, offend, or otherwise alienate someone along the way. What is pleasing to one person will grate on the next person’s nerves. Everyone will not always agree with you. And worst of all, you will eventually commit the cardinal sin of going against the flow.

As a childfree Christian, I feel the ramifications of being myself most strongly in traditional church environments. It seems that church folk encourage you to be yourself…“unless.”

For example, “Be yourself, unless you don’t like the way we do things around here.” We’re “family” oriented, so if you’re uncomfortable participating in programs orchestrated around parents and children, you’d best keep your mouth shut and do it anyway. And for heaven’s sake, stick with the prescribed “Christian” lifestyle. A woman who’s uninterested in motherhood is misguided and sad – a child is the only thing that will make you truly happy, and if you choose not to have one, you surely aren’t following the will of God.

When it comes right down to it, what people really want is for you to be like them. Because if you are finding fulfillment by doing things differently, that just might mean that they are the ones who could have made better choices. And where Christians are concerned, I think sometimes instead of deepening our relationship with God to find confidence that we have chosen the right path, we instead find that comfort in the fact that everyone else is doing the same things as us.

Romans 14:22 says, “Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe—some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them—then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong.”

My husband and I believe children are not in God’s will for our lives, and we strive to ensure our thoughts and actions mirror that belief. I rejoice in being myself, because even if others don’t understand, I know God approves!

Flickr photo by geopollock (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Advocate

2007-06-26T17:17:00.000-04:00

Guest Contributor, M, has given me permission to share a recent comment she made in response to an archived post by LauraS titled Am I A Childfree Advocate?:

"I think advocacy is absolutely needed, however none of us are obligated to be advocates simply by virtue of choosing to be childfree. We do not have to speak for or defend the group just because we are a(n unofficial) member.

And I agree that many or most of us are not pushing for a childfree society; only speaking up for the legitimacy of our personal choice to not have children and defending that choice as one that is equally valid as the choice to be a parent.

Some think childfree means wanting no one to have kids, or hating kids, or hating parents, etc. etc. etc. when all it really means is voluntarily choosing to not have children of our own.

I think most of us just want our choice to be respected and not routinely criticized, questioned, or judged (of course, we can't control others' thoughts or speech, about any matter, nor expect others to think as we'd like them to). And, we want to be treated fairly in society (this I think we can and should expect to change or better control), which is partly where the advocacy part comes in.

I, for one, think it's really important to speak up and work toward employee-friendly policies at work and elsewhere, or family-friendly policies that are truly friendly toward all families, including those without children."

Her thoughts ring clear as a bell with me, though I do not know a lot about the specific issue of workplace "policy" equality. Please let us know if you'd like to hear more from her on this topic!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

In the Company of Grandmothers

2007-06-26T12:59:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I attended two gatherings: One a monthly meeting of nonfiction writers and the other a BBQ dinner hosted by neighbors. These were great opportunities to catch up with people I like and admire.

Most of the women were grandmothers, or grandmothers-to-be, and on both occasions the main subject was children and grandchildren.

Normally, I would feel excluded in these conversations. However, this was different. All of these women knew me, knew I was happily childless by choice and was working on a book and documentary on this subject. All of them appeared to respect my choice and understood that I also respected their paths as parents and grandparents.

Other than mutual respect, what did we have in common?

The common theme of these conversations was "setting boundaries." Grandmothers and grandmothers-to-be talked about how to communicate to their children that they would not be full-time babysitters for grandchildren. They were finally empty nesters and they valued the free time and the lifestyle they had come to enjoy, and were reluctant to get sucked in to that full-time guardianship role again.

I could identify with that. I set boundaries early, when I chose to babysit at thirteen to earn some money. I told my clients I would not babysit infants and toddlers who were not toilet-trained. I would not day-sit or do overnights. Eight hours in the company of children was my limit.

We also talked about this new generation of parents: how paranoid and nervous they were. I told them how my cousin is considering implanting a chip inside his infant son’s body so he could find the child if he went missing. A grandmother lamented that she could not watch TV in the presence of her grandchild because her daughter didn’t allow TV for her children.

Another grandmother said her daughter had told her that she did not want her child exposed to unsterilized surfaces, plastic toys, and sugar or sugar substitutes. This woman’s husband was peeved over the fact that he could not take his grandchild for an ice cream. These women worried that their grandchildren were being over-protected, isolated from the real world in which they would eventually navigate on their own and from the bacteria that might save them one day.

I found myself nodding in agreement and sharing a laugh over many of these stories. Modern parenting is a huge challenge for both the parents and the grandparents. The stress, the worry, and the inevitable guilt when things don’t go perfectly are the acknowledged pitfalls of caring for a small child. That’s one reason why I never wanted to take on the full-time guardianship of an infant.

Apparently, some grandparents feel the same way.

Flickr photo by by garethjmsaunders (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Ground Rules

2007-06-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

No Flaming, and please keep to the topic of alternative, childfree life experiences and reflections. Let’s have some fun!
Avoid jargon, acronyms and “insider” terms so that others will be able to follow the conversation.
It’s okay to disagree. This is a place for discussion and all viewpoints are valuable, however if your comments are off-color or off-subject, our finger will be hovering over the delete button.
We reserve the right to close a conversation once it has run its course.
Easy on the CAPITALS.
Tip: Spell check before posting your comment, and consider using a pseudonym instead of just be "Anonymous".

There, now you can leave us presents...(your comment is a gift)!

Technorati Tag: Childfree