Adieu

This journey has come to an end for me. I have to follow my heart, because life is not all about blogging. Sometimes you just have to log off and simply live it. When I started this blog, I thought I would write a book. I decided to focus on blogging instead.

Purple Women^TM is my trademark, yet I admit I know not what to do with it from here. I have reached a turning point in this project. It has served its purpose. I decided not to invest the time in publishing a book. Nor do I have ambitions to turn this into a revenue stream. Is anyone out there really marketing to childfree women? (Okay, I could turn that into a longer post, but it is time to close the door on this project, as new ones have opened for me!)

To my fellow bloggers, especially contributors to this site, Guest Posters and Regular Contributors alike, a huge thanks for blogging along and exploring the childfree topic with me these past few years. I'd like to think we helped our Co-Contributing Editor, Laura Scott along her path to actually publishing her book. She announced recently that she has secured a publisher. Wish her well, and please check in at her website from time to time: The Childless-By-Choice Project.

The comments will remain open and monitored by me, the Creator and Editor of this unique blog, however, without new posts our readership will drop off and Blogger will only continue to host this site as long as there are visitors. At some point, all our work here will be deleted by a mindless robot (aieeeeee!!!). We have collected 2+ years of posts here, all on the topic of being a woman who is childfree. My final task is to make a back up copy for posterity.

Feel free to explore!

This blog is officially closed. I invite you to visit me over at my personal blog: Peggy's Place.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Housekeeping and Guest Contributors

Purple Women^TM, I want to remind you that this Blog Mistress is always looking for new voices. Would you like to contribute your story or opinion? If you have a story idea on our topic of discussion, please send Teri an email so we can collaborate to get your words on the "top of page". I often feel that the comments are as interesting as the post itself. In the blogosphere, it's all about the dialogue after all!

I tend to write "first person" shorter posts, but your Guest Post can be any length. About 500-words is a good target, but it's okay if it's longer. I will help you put up some great art, courtesy Flickr Photos and Creative Commons copyright for the Internet age. All of our Regular Contributors started as Guest Contributors.

Good blogs have good content and I ask for your help to keep this unique site a quality site.

On a personal note, I am happy to report that to celebrate 10 years of marriage, my husband and I will be in sunny Costa Rica for 10 days. We have vowed to leave the computers behind, so you may not hear from me for a couple of weeks. We'll be fishing and swinging through a rain forest jungle, birding, hiking and generally lazing around. I encourage you to visit our archives in the meantime. Various "labels" that are tied to each post and they are "searchable" key words -- all listed in the sidebar. Scroll down a bit and click through on any word to view all the posts tagged with that label. Happy reading!

You will find that the words of Purple Women^TM Contributors past are still very relevant to our current experience as childfree women today. Perhaps one of them will inspire you to a post of your own.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Shoulds and Shouldn'ts

Guest Post by
SteffO
Purple Woman & Mental Health Advocate
Gainseville, Florida
Quird.com

I have a mental illness.

There. I said it, got it out of the way. It's relevant to Purple Women^TM, though, because being mentally ill puts me in a category all its own -- society thinks I shouldn't have children.

Back in the early part of the 20th century, thousands of women with brain disorders (including the non-disease "hysteria", a label slapped on some women who didn't meekly obey her menfolk) were given involuntary hysterectomies because it was thought such women shouldn't breed. While the eugenics programs are done and buried, the mindset still persists
among many doctors.

I've been wanting a tubal ligation since I was fourteen or so, although I've never had the money to follow through. I've brought it up with various doctors, though, and the response is always the same. Their first reaction is the one most childfree women get -- "You'll change your mind when you're older." But then they find out that I have a mental illness, and suddenly they can't wait to schedule the surgery for me.

I don't want children, and never have. I'm lucky that I feel this way, though, because pregnancy and motherhood would be very hard on my mental stability. Yes, I could have a kid if I really wanted to, but I'd have to do it under a doctor's close supervision, and I'd have a lot of issues that other women don't have to deal with.

Lots of women with mental illnesses -- including both my sisters -- make great mothers. They each have a daughter, and my middle sister has a son on the way. Having a brain disorder does not automatically make a person a bad parent. There is medication. There is therapy. There are support groups.

You should value your ability to choose, whether society wants you to have children or not.

A hundred years ago I wouldn't have had a choice. I can't ever forget that. And neither should you.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meet SteffO

Purple Women^TM have really come out of the woodwork this week -- um, or should I say closet? I was so pleased to correspond with several childfree women by email. I encouraged SteffO to elevate our dialogue and contribute the next post.

Her topic is unique, though her situation may not be.

Steff Osborne, 31, lives in Gainesville, Florida, and is a counselor and activist in the local mental health community.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Count on Nov. 15

I cannot tell you the number of women bloggers, let alone the number of chilfree women bloggers. Even the experts don't know. We do know that in the U.S., 42 percent of all women in the United States 15-44 years old are childless, according to the 2000 Census. (Likely many of them are still undecided about their family status.) Institutions tend to assume that we are all "future mothers", doctors tend to treat women as if they are forever "pre-pregnant". (Have you ever tried to get a permanent solution?) Childfree women bloggers are even more difficult to measure. I believe speaking out is more important than being counted literally.

Americans do not hold the exclusive on the trend of more women remaining childfree. The availability of contraception plays a role in this global trend associated with educated women. The issue of childfree women has reached all time highs in Canada, Italy, New Zealand, and England. At home and abroad, we draw the unwanted attention of reporters, sociologists, feminists and institutions alike.

Thus, we bring you the Purple Women Count Campaign: an effort to have childfree women bloggers included more appropriately in women-centric websites, and in the long run, improve how we are treated by institutions from mainstream media to the doctor's office. Changes start with dialogue. Surely if we start with other women, our voices will be heard.

Have you experienced being invisible as a childfree woman? Do you self-identify as a chilfree woman?

1) For those of you who have your own blogs, please write a post on this topic, or contribute a Guest Post here to be posted on November 15th. Let's all post on the same day and link to each other. Send me your URL/link and I'll add your blog's name to the Purple Links in the sidebar and compile a list of all participating blogs in a separate post.

2) If you are a member of a chilfree forum or discussion group, please post a notice to them about our blogging event on November 15. Let me know if you do so, so I can track our outreach. I posted the campaign announcement to all 90 of the No Kidding clubs asking them to participate. No kidding is the international social club for childfree adults. I run a chapter here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

3) Don't be shy about joining these women-centric sites and requesting a place for Purple Women (childfree). I recommend we work towards a category called Women Without Children. We can avoid the hyphenation consternation problems of child-free vs. childfree.

4) Let me know if you want a Purple Woman! button to wear. If you send me an address by email, I will send you one for free, until supplies run out.

5) Consider placing the Purple Woman button graphic link in your sidebar. Wear it with pride! It is in development now and I will post the code here as soon as it is ready.

Let's no longer be invisible Purple Women^TM! It's easy, just tell a friend, send us your blog's URL if you have one, and write about it on November 15.

Cheers,
Teri Tith
Creator & Contributing Editor
Purple Women & Friends

Technorati Tag: Childfree

How I Became a Purple Woman

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

As a child, I vividly recall one Christmas in particular - for weeks beforehand, all I wanted was a Glow Worm, nothing else. (If you're a child of the 80s, you might remember!). My relatives seemed slightly puzzled by my choice. They kept asking me why I didn't want a Cabbage Patch doll or Tiny Tears, and they kept insisting I'd change my mind. I stood firm, though - I told them that I wasn't interested in "some stupid, boring doll", even though it seemed practically every girl I knew wanted one.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Tiny Tears doll and no sign of a Glow Worm anywhere. Strangely, though, I wasn't surprised I'd been given a doll. I knew I was expected to play with it and at least give the appearance of loving it. You hardly need to be a psychologist to see the pattern emerging. . .

Other incidents come to mind: when my cousin gave birth to her first child, I congratulated her on the card and not her husband. My mother told me I'd forgotten to put her husband's name down and I told her I didn't. Why should I? She'd done all the hard work, not him. My mother was scandalized, of course, and insisted I add his name but I knew I was right.

I also remember when I was about twelve and letters were sent home from school about the Rubella vaccine. I asked why we needed it and when my mother explained why, I crossed my arms and earnestly pointed out that I didn't need it because I wasn't ever going to have children. (Of course, I had to have it anyway. . .)

In retrospect, it's glaringly obvious that I was what you might call an "early articulator"!

Tellingly, every time I tried to express my feelings, I was pressured, patronized and occasionally treated like I ate babies for breakfast. Unfortunately, some things are slow to change. . .

As I progressed through adolescence, I was bombarded by messages from the media and society in general that motherhood was the greatest experience a woman could have. A childless woman was ( for me anyway) rarer than a unicorn sighting. (I'd never even heard the term "childfree").

The few childfree women I knew were objects of pity and scorn, if not downright viciousness - even though they all seemed far happier than almost all the mothers I knew. From quite a young age, I sensed that the derision these women faced was prompted by jealousy yet nobody was willing to admit it.

I was old enough by then to recognize the financial and emotional strain parenting put on a person. My own mother often seemed stressed out, depressed, frustrated and resentful. I was puzzled by this: she was the first one to lash out at "career women", as they were then called, yet motherhood didn't seem to make her happy. Odd as this may sound, I was grateful things turned out that way: it forced me to open my eyes and think and decide for myself. It meant I learned to disregard society's expectations, no easy thing in staunchly Catholic Ireland in the 1980s, and understand that no one could live my life for me.

When I was 20, I started reading feminist works by authors such as Gloria Steinem, Naomi Wolf, Susan Faludi, etc. Inspiring as they were (and still are) there was still something I couldn't pinpoint until years later: even feminist writings seemed to assume that women were or would be mothers. A turning point for me came when I stumbled across a copy of Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap in a used bookstore. This book had a profound and lasting effect on me. I felt relieved, thrilled, vindicated. It confirmed what I'd always known and I was so comforted to know I wasn't alone, that there were people out there who shared my feelings. For years my not wanting children had almost felt like a dirty secret.

I was 23 when my niece was born and even though I could see the appeal of babies and why a woman would want one, I still had not the slightest desire to have one of my own. My youngest sister was born when I was 14 so I have some idea of the level of sacrifice, exhaustion, worry and expense involved.

My 30th birthday was a milestone for me, like it is for many people. It was actually quite depressing because I seemed to be the only one who wasn't a mother - it really brought home how isolated I was, even though I've never regretted my decision. Despite being on the receiving end of a few snide comments of the "just wait till you hit thirty" variety, the older I get, the more certain I am that I've made the right decision for me.

Over the years, I've gotten every bingo going - I'm sure most Purple Women will know what I mean. The one that I get most often is "it's selfish not to have children".

Ahhh, that old classic. Except it cuts no ice with me.

I tell people if they look it up in any dictionary, it'll be defined as being concerned only with one's own welfare with total disregard to others, or something similar. Exactly how does my choosing not to have children affect them? It doesn't really - except that it makes them consider their own choices. If that makes them antsy, all I can say is that they can't have been that secure about their choices in the first place.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the fact that I have wondered what will happen when I get older. Will I look back and regret not having children? I truly believe that I won't. And if I do? I would far rather regret not having children than having children and regretting it.

I never volunteer the information that I'm childfree - not because I'm embarrassed about it, but because I can't be bothered wasting energy explaining and defending my choice.

I make it a point never to ask anyone about their children or if they have any in social settings. It saddens me that in the 21st century society persists in glorifying motherhood, while women who choose not to become mothers are all too often viewed in a negative manner.

There is hope, however. I believe that generations to come will realize that parenting is a choice and not a predetermined, unalterable path. If people really think about whether or not to have children, the happier everyone will be.

Ask any Purple Woman and they'll tell you that not conforming to society's expectations can be difficult sometimes, no matter how happy you are with your decision.

Remember that the path less traveled has its own rewards.

And remember this piece of advice my grandmother gave me which I've never forgotten, and never fails to make me smile:

"If it won't make you laugh, it won't make you cry either!"

[Editor's note: AlphaGirl reviewed The Baby Trap for us last year. If you are interested in picking up a good book in the childfree genre, just click on the book review topic a little lower in the sidebar to see all our reviews. If you click on the link under the title "Feed Your Mind" and purchase your next book via Amazon.com, you will be supporting this site!]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Not Cool

Guest Post by
Anonymous Purple Woman

One of the greatest things about the Internet is the way you can connect with others to share ideas and points of view; however, I have been forced to question this recently because of my experience on my own blog. There are some people out there that I definitely do not want to deal with.

Here’s my story:

I’m twenty nine. For a few years I’ve realized that I don’t want to have my own children. Though I’ve done quite a bit of volunteer work with children, I’m just not willing to cope with them 24/7. This wasn’t something that I discussed with people. In fact it didn’t arise as an issue until I married two years ago and started being perceived in a new way – as a potential mother. Just before I got engaged I started my blog as a personal diary. I wrote about issues that I cared about which, after I married, increasingly included the difficulties being childfree in a child filled world.

Like many of us, I got the kid question and the condescending response “of course you’ll change your mind”. The more people asked the more infuriating it became. So, as many people do, I took it out in the blog, writing down what I wanted to say to people, if only they would listen.

When I found relevant articles in the press I would link them and comment on them. At first, I didn’t have problems with comments. When I said something that people didn’t agree with they did weigh in, but in a civil way, stating why they disagreed. I was happy to respond.

When my posts became more personal, someone got angry. One post of mine in particular about "bad experiences with parents in public places who ignore the effect their children have on others" was linked to their website and mocked. Now this person has a “weekly feature” making fun of my posts has started. It’s all very high school. Other posts on this anonymously authored site mock local TV personalities and café owners. I don’t know who the psycho is who is doing this, but I do know that it makes me miserable that they are getting their kicks this way.

Reasonable discussion isn’t an option when someone is calling you a bad person. Or is it? I’d be very interested in your point of view.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

To Be A Woman

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

"It is insulting and condescending, not to mention untrue, to claim that a childfree person is somehow incapable of understanding and experiencing the depth and variety of emotion a childed person does."

Last month, I bumped into an old friend of mine I hadn't seen for several months. She looked pale and haggard and a good deal thinner. I suggested we go for lunch to catch up. On our way to the cafe, she told me that she'd taken a leave of absence from her job to care for her elderly father, who'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. All I could do was listen as she confided in me about her father's deteriorating condition - she was finding it increasingly difficult to care for him though she's a nurse, yet she wouldn't hear of him being put into a home.

In the meantime, two women were at the table behind us - one of them had a baby aged about six months. I couldn't help overhearing the mother say to her friend "You don't know what exhaustion or sacrifice is till you've had a baby".

Uhmmm . . . excuse me? Isn't what my friend doing a sacrifice? She also looked pretty exhausted to me!

I was offended by her comments but it got me thinking. Why do some parents feel the need to hijack emotions in this manner? It's not just exhaustion or sacrifice the childfree apparently don't understand.

It's unconditional love. It's true happiness. It's selflessness. It's responsibility.

What does this mean?

Are we to believe that our own experiences and feelings pale in comparison to those of parents? Are we to believe that every life experience, no matter how good or bad, no matter how ordinary or extraordinary, can't possibly compete with the exalted state of parenthood?

As for parents themselves, why are they so quick to dismiss and invalidate their lives pre-children?

Irritating as this is, there's something else which disturbs me: the sometimes spoken, sometimes implied belief that you have not fully lived life until you become a parent.

The belief that as a childfree person, you are in a state of arrested emotional development. The belief that raising children is the only worthwhile thing doing in life. The belief that simply by reproducing you automatically become a complete person. The belief that children are necessary to allow you to fulfill your potential as a human being - which includes living through the whole gamut of human emotion.

Hogwash, I say.

Parental hijacking also makes me suspicious. If you are at peace with the decisions you make, it should not be necessary to "big yourself up" by dismissing and invalidating your life pre-children. It is insulting and condescending, not to mention untrue, to claim that a childfree person is somehow incapable of understanding and experiencing the depth and variety of emotion a childed person does. It is not the job of the child to help you fulfill your potential. That responsibility is yours and yours alone.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Moral Superiority

Guest Post by LynnS
Childfree Irish Lass (yes, blogging from Ireland!)


Does being a parent make you morally superior? Why does this generation in particular act like they invented parenthood?

A few weeks ago, I was chatting to a woman I'd just met at a social function. She seemed very chatty and friendly and we were getting on really well. Until, that is, she hit me with The Question. Yes, you know the one I mean. The "do you have kids?" question. I responded the way I usually do - I calmly and politely replied that I didn't.

"Well, I have two, and I can tell you, you
don't know what you're missing".

And just like that, her whole attitude changed. One moment, we'd been having a civilized conversation, the next she was literally looking down her nose at me. What could possibly have caused her to judge me and find me inferior in those few seconds? She is a parent and I am not. In her eyes, and in the eyes of most of society, that makes her somehow superior to me.

It's not the first time this has happened to me, and I bet it won't be the last. It does beg the question, though: exactly why do so many parents feel morally superior, especially to non-parents?

Popular wisdom has it that being a parent is the most important job in the world. I disagree. If parenting were advertised as a job, would you take it? Think about it: no sick leave, no holiday leave, no overtime pay, being on duty 24/7. Not to mention the fact that handing in your notice if it gets too much isn't really an option. Perhaps it's not surprising, then, that some parents are so self-congratulatory.

But wait a minute. Isn't parenting an option? For our generation, certainly. We now have the choice to forgo parenthood altogether, if we choose. Doesn't being a parent make you a better person? Not necessarily. I have seen people who are so stressed out from the unrelenting demands of parenthood that they certainly are not better people. The exact opposite, in fact.

One thing I have noticed is how often parents claim that being a parent makes you a lot less selfish and more concerned about the state of the world. Even if you feel you could do with a little self-improvement and contribute more to society, surely it shouldn't be necessary to become a parent to accomplish that?

What about today's parents, then? My gut feeling is that we live in such a heavily pronatalist world it's hardly surprising so many of them feel superior. No wonder they act like they've invented parenthood.
Society worships children. Society is obsessed with them. More than ever before.

Kids eat free. Kids fly free. Kids stay free. You get the picture.

If you have produced a little being, ta-dah! Instant status!

If you haven't. . . well, you don't know what you're missing. You're shallow/selfish/irresponsible/immature. Your life is incomplete without one. You're not a real adult, and you're definitely not a real woman. Or so society in general would like you to think.

People are still led to believe that children equal nirvana. Despite the thousands of children languishing in foster care. Despite the abuse statistics. Despite the fact that rapists, murderers, terrorists were once somebody's children. Despite the fact that studies are consistently showing the strain children place on relationships and finances. Need I go on?

Of course, there are superb parents out there. In my experience, these are the ones who will admit that children demand sacrifice and that parenthood can be exhausting and thankless. They will admit that parenting isn't for everybody, and they won't try to ram their life choices down your throat. They certainly won't think that the mere fact of being parents means they're morally superior.

Next time you find yourself bingoed, remember this: parenting is nothing new. It's been going on for millennia. Giving birth is no miracle when millions of women are doing that every day. As a childfree person, you don't need a Mini-Me to make your life complete. You've most likely thought long and hard about your decision to be childfree, rather than blindly following society's script. You realize that there are lots of other ways you can contribute, and that raising children isn't the only worthwhile thing in life.

Finally, it means realizing that some people just aren't capable of understanding and it's impossible to have a rational discussion with them. The only thing to do is ignore it and move on. Anyone who thinks they're superior to you simply because they're a parent clearly has issues. If, like me, you find yourself almost starting to feel guilty, remember that.

In the end, what you think of yourself is really all that matters.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meet LynnS

Lynn S is out newest guest contributor. She's from Ireland, she's thirty-something, and is owned by a samoyed. When she's not working in the health care field, she enjoys reading, writing, shopping, yoga, and ensuring that her owner is kept in the style he's accustomed to. She's looking forward to posting and is always pleased to meet other Purple Women™

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Advocate

Guest Contributor, M, has given me permission to share a recent comment she made in response to an archived post by LauraS titled Am I A Childfree Advocate?:

"I think advocacy is absolutely needed, however none of us are obligated to be advocates simply by virtue of choosing to be childfree. We do not have to speak for or defend the group just because we are a(n unofficial) member.

And I agree that many or most of us are not pushing for a childfree society; only speaking up for the legitimacy of our personal choice to not have children and defending that choice as one that is equally valid as the choice to be a parent.

Some think childfree means wanting no one to have kids, or hating kids, or hating parents, etc. etc. etc. when all it really means is voluntarily choosing to not have children of our own.

I think most of us just want our choice to be respected and not routinely criticized, questioned, or judged (of course, we can't control others' thoughts or speech, about any matter, nor expect others to think as we'd like them to). And, we want to be treated fairly in society (this I think we can and should expect to change or better control), which is partly where the advocacy part comes in.

I, for one, think it's really important to speak up and work toward employee-friendly policies at work and elsewhere, or family-friendly policies that are truly friendly toward all families, including those without children."

Her thoughts ring clear as a bell with me, though I do not know a lot about the specific issue of workplace "policy" equality. Please let us know if you'd like to hear more from her on this topic!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Big News & Help Wanted

I have decided not to write the book, Purple Women^TM. After investigating the costs and the prospects, I have determined that publishing a book is not a luxury I can afford. Online publishing is more cost-effective, and if done correctly, has the potential to reach a larger audience. I am satisfied with this blog as my contribution to the childfree realm and I will endeavor to keep it going and make it the best I can. Toward that end, I ask for your help on...

How to improve this blog?

What topics most appeal to you? What new topics would you like to see? How did you discover us? How can we reach out to help more childfree women discover us? What do you like most about this blog? The least? Feedback on any or all of these questions would be most appreciated.

I am still rebuilding our already, crowded sidebar after making the cross over to Blogger's new version. I stare at this blog so much, sometimes I cannot see what's obviously missing. Today, I added back the GeoVisitors link that allows you to click through and see what part of the world our readers are checking in from. I like to try and guess who I know in that country. I don't know many people in Iran, but my Uncle does live in Tahiti. If you like this tool, just click on the link I've provided and put it on your site.

I’d like to see our Contributor ranks fill-out again. In particular, we have not heard from the 50+ group of women who have traveled the childfree path. Their voices have been missing. It would also be great to have a Canadian, a Brit, an Auzzie, moreover, English-speaking Purple Women^TM regardless of ethnicity or nationality represented here. Your perspectives and experiences would be most welcome. We have had one parent, and a couple of men write for us in the past. Thanks again to all our contributors. You know who you are!

A good way to test the waters is to become a Guest Contributor. Guests Posts should be 500-words or less. It can be one-time only or more than once. Regular Contributors commit to being a regular voice in this space, and actively participate in the leading the dialogue by making comments, regardless of who is posting. I'll post the Contributor Guidelines later this week. No. It doesn't pay, but then, this blog is not monetized.

Lisa, one of the founders at BlogHer, has assured me they now have a program for non-mom ads that are simply geared towards women. Planning to give it a try. We may not all be moms, but we are still shoppers. I have been wary of placing any robot-generated ads in the sidebar, like Google AdSense, as I fear they will pick up on the word "child" and we'd get diaper ads -- ahhhhrrrrrg!

Stay tuned for these changes and more improvements to come. If you have an idea, please post a comment here or send me an email. My thanks in advance, and I hope to hear from you.

Cheers,
Teri Tith
Blog Owner/Author
Purple Women & Friends

Flickr photo by Ian Broyles (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Step-Parenting: Tastes Great - Less Filling

Guest Post
by Jules
Canadian Telecom Consultant
Blogs: North of the 49th, Floobergeist

Childfreedom wasn't thrust upon me, and yet, I didn't take up the mantle myself all-at-once. It was a gradual process.

As priorities changed, perceptions changed, and careers changed. As I grew up and became more self aware, I began to realize the pieces of my life that were critical; and those that weren't were slowly shuffled to the back of the closet. Having my own children: Not Critical. Participating in a child's life: Important.

At the same time that I realized that I was a child-freebie, I fell in love with a man who had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I squinted, I wrinkled my forehead in concentration, and I pictured myself in their lives. And it looked good. I could maintain the lifestyle I had built and the freedom I cherished, and add on a new dimension. I didn't need or want to go through the "baby-mother-delivery-give-up-everything, risk your marriage and your personal livelihood to procreate" process, and yet the idea of having a permanent relationship with children wasn't unappealing.

Fast forward 4 years: Every other weekends and every Wednesday night. I get a good, healthy dose of kiddos for 125 hours a month, in bite size pieces. I'm not really a step-mom, although the girls identify with that term more than I do. They're at a stage where everyone needs a label.

I'm just Jules. I'm the one who doesn't need to keep things equal, and the one who's allowed to have favourites.

Who doesn't crumble at the sight of small tears, who tells you to suck it up and get over it. I don't have to be the one who gets up at 3 am, unless I want to. I'm the one who's objective, and plays the devil's advocate. I'm the one who stresses independence and encourages creativity.

Playdates FREAK ME OUT. I involve myself in activities as *I* choose, or not. My goal is to influence, open doors, create opportunities for the girls to experience things they wouldn't normally experience with their parents. I'm their portal into the unexplored. I play on *my* terms, and sometimes not-at-all.

People ask me all the time: "when are you going to have your *own* children?"

My answer: "I'm quite pleased with the children I've got right now, thanks."

Their dad is just that: their DAD.

(cc)Flickr photo by Lorrie McClanahan
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Blessings

Guest Post by D²
Career Woman & Mother of two girls
Contributor at Diary of a Decision Blog
San Francisco Bay Area
I am not a Purple Woman by any stretch — I am full-time working mother of two girls 6 and 10 and recently separated having been married for the past 18 years.

My life, along with everyone else’s, is complicated, now just in a new way. My sanity and spirits remain positive because of the love and support of my family and a wide circle of friends—many of them Purple Women^TM and Men. Working full-time and participating in different activities puts me in contact with lots of interesting people, many of whom by circumstance or design are child-free. I don’t know what I would do without the affection and companionship of the Purple folk in my life.

For the first time in 40 years I didn’t have a family to spend Easter Sunday with, but my Purple peeps made sure I was with them. When I needed someone to mind my girls on Tuesday nights for ice skating show rehearsals, all three Purple Women^TM I emailed were able to cover all the dates with back ups, just in case someone had to travel (in fact, they enjoyed coming over so much that they want to continue Tuesday girl’s night through the summer). One calls from Minneapolis every day just to check in. Another one asked me to help her do a head to toe makeover. And still another is going to take me ballroom dancing with her husband. And these offers are not just limited to the Purple Women^TM — there are even Purple Men in the mix offering to take me out for drinks, dinner, movies and providing dog sitting.

So here’s to all to the Purple People in my life—you know just the right things to say and do to keep me moving forward. Blessings to all of you: my gang at CPTS, LAG, LB, MA, CVM, AF, SK, AG, EW, KG and the others that the Universe provides every step of the way. Ever grateful AWE (a.k.a. D2)


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Click - Part Two

Guest post by AlphaGirl

Blog Editor's note: In Click – Part One, AlphaGirl asks...

“As a single person with no family/personal resources, and who has humbled herself to ask for help, am I any less worthy because I chose not to reproduce?”

Click continued...

It sure as hell seems that way. A recent posting of mine with another online childfree community brought forth many stories similar to mine, and one young woman did email me off-list to say that she was in fact homeless. She had lost her job, and in short order, her car, her apartment, and her life as she knew it. I emailed her back and said I most likely wasn’t too far behind.

According to the United Way, Orange County, California has more than 34,000 homeless people; approximately 22,000 of them are employed, but their wages are not enough to ensure safe, affordable housing. So, they are either homeless outright, or “partially housed” in a shelter or in transitional housing.

The small Orange County beach town I live in has a rapidly-growing homeless population. How many of them are individuals who have slipped through the cracks of public and private agencies due to their “household size”?

Fortuna snapped her fingers, and these people went from productive citizens who hit hard times, to virtual throwaways in the eyes of assistance agencies and groups. Click. Anyone can be a month away from homelessness.

April’s rent got paid. By virtue of my final paycheck, and an advance on an already-bloated credit card line, it barely squeaked thru the bank, my landlord none the wiser. The rental market where I live is a death race: For every vacant unit, there are 10 prospective tenants. Tell a landlord you are having trouble, and they will price you out the next month. The check arrived five days late, with a late fee assessed. He was not happy. He is already renting to me at about $500.00 below market. Screw the other bills, they are going to have to wait. Apartment. Car. Hold onto to both.

May’s rent is looming. It is due in three weeks and I am terrified. I have yet to see any payment from EDD. Agencies are useless; they have made their stance perfectly clear. Childfree people are not worth their time/resources. Don’t get me started on “faith based” agencies. My nerves are shot. Well-meaning friends have offered prayers. As a devout agnostic with atheist rising, I can’t help but think that prayers are not going to pay my rent. I go through my days in a dry-mouthed, queasy state of anxiety over how I’m going to meet my most basic needs of housing and food. Any phone call, any recounting of my situation, and I’m in tears. A well-meaning conversation with my friend Maria ended in silence and tears. Mine were due to fear, and hers were due to abject helplessness. Her own circumstances prohibit her from helping.

The agencies and assistance groups have assumed the role of the goddess Fortuna. Have kids? You have our help. Click. Don’t have kids? Live on the street; you are not worth it to us. From visible to invisible. I can go from housed to homelessness soon. Click.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Click - Part One

by Guest Contributor AlphaGirl

“You never know when something is going to happen to change your life.
You expect it to arrive with fanfare, like a wedding or a birth
but instead it comes in the most ordinary of circumstances.
The Roman goddess Fortuna snaps her fingers
and changes the channel - click”
-- excerpt from What Remains, by Carol Radziwill

The Roman goddess Fortuna was very busy snapping her fingers on March 14th. Click. My hours at work were cut to less than part-time. Click. Job duties were subtracted. Click. My boss brought in her sister to do my other job duties. No explanation. No discussion. Click. Within days of the hours reduction, I lost my job. Click. My life, as I knew it, was over.

Like 65% of Americans, I lived paycheck to paycheck. This wasn’t due to irresponsible spending; it was due to a high cost of living, and a comparably small salary. Once rent, utilities and bills were paid, there was no disposable income, no money to set aside into savings, even with a small business on the side. I had new reason to resent the stereotype of the hyper-educated, hyper-achieving childfree person with oodles of disposable income. Nothing could be further from the truth for me. I am now without a job, without income, and if things don’t change quickly, I will be without a place to live. Click.

The days since my job loss have been a blur. Filing for unemployment insurance. Registering with several different temp agencies. Posting resumes on electronic job boards. Scrambling to expand my part-time pet-sitting business into full-time with no start-up capital. Hobbies have been abandoned in the name of survival. The cost of gas to drive to my track club’s weekly meeting place/training site has suddenly become prohibitive. In an instant, I lost myself completely. Click.

I had to pay April’s rent. My parting gifts from my employer did not include severance pay. A social worker girlfriend of mine suggested contacting private agencies to see if emergency rental assistance were available. “We only assist families” one told me after hearing my “household size”. Time and time again, that was the response. After many calls, I located a church nearby that would help, provided I showed proof that I had half the rent. In the meantime, Cathy hit the phones, calling around until she located an agency that didn’t base aid on family size. She rushed the grant application, and in the section that asked “How would this gift enrich the recipient’s life?” She wrote, “It will prevent homelessness”. Pure and simple. In the end, neither agency helped out. The church refused to help, because now I was unemployed, and how could I prove I would not need their services next month? Cathy called the same afternoon to report the bad news that “her” agency was not going to help…..again, based on household size, I was not considered in strong enough need. I can understand wanting to take care of kids whose parents had hit hard times, but at the expense of others?

That afternoon was spent in a state of fear and outrage. Essentially, I was not worth these groups’ money. In my anger and complete terror at the thought of losing my apartment, I wondered that if I had come into agency interviews with kids in tow, would my outcome have been different? Would I have gotten assistance? Of course. Silly me for being a responsible, proactive person for not have waited until near eviction before seeking assistance. Silly me for not having kids because I didn’t want them. Silly me for having worked and paid taxes since the age of 13, and having hit a rough spot just now. I joked about becoming a crack mama in my next life, as those folks seem to hit the mother lode when it came to assistance. It seemed as though even hard-working, sober, intact families were being turned away, but not at near the rate that single people and couples without kids get turned away. In essence, these agencies' actions told me I was not worth their help/time/resources because I had not reproduced. My “household size” had worked against me.

Cathy admitted she had to agree, and shared my outrage. Yes, funding is tight at agencies, yes, families are important, yes to all of that. But,...

...as a single person with no family/personal resources, and who has humbled herself to ask for help, am I any less worthy because I chose not to reproduce?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Baby Fever

Guest Post by M
Blogger
San Francisco Bay Area
Blog: M's Blog, Bay Area Love Letters
Babies, babies, babies. Five year plan for motherhood: engaged by (fill in desired age), married by (age), pregnant by (age ), first child by (age). Must stick to plan, must find suitable sperm donor, also known in some circles as "father," to cooperate with plan. Sperm donor must make enough money to allow mother to quit working outside the home and to engage in most important job an individual can do (forget brain surgeon, firefighter, teacher, and the like. Please. Raising one child is much more important), sometimes referred to as "working inside the home," and also commonly known as "SAHM" (stay-at-home-mom).

Lately, it seems everything I read, see, and hear is about babies. As a woman of prime baby producing age, I am very much out of the loop when it comes to the baby obsession sweeping my age group.

What to do? You can't escape it. The baby mania is everywhere. My eyes glaze over as I read the latest blog post about a mother's love for her child, part 20,000, by the latest blogger to turn mommy in my blog reading repertoire. The writing quality has gone down, while the ick factor has escalated, sharply. Time to cross another one off my list.

There isn't much new to say in the I love my child more than anything and it's the greatest experience on earth to be a mom realm, and the frighteningly undistinguishable blog comments, which I could crank out in my sleep after having read so many of the same ones over and over, praising the precious infant and adoring the loving mother ("This is the most beautiful post ever. A mother's love for her child is just so . . . so . . . precious. I am crying now as I write this. It is all just so . . . so . . . moving."), are just so . . . so . . . so . . . predictable and sickeningly syrupy sweet that they nearly put me into a diabetic coma.

Did everyone receive some sort of baby drug that drives them to praise everything baby (even poop is cute if it belongs to a baby!) and shed tears at the slightest mention of a child's existence? And why didn't I get a dose then (not that I want one, mind you)?

Well, not to worry, I could easily carry on a parenting conversation with the baby obsessed if I so choose. Just insert the following words into a paragraph or verbal exchange: "Precious, most amazing experience ever, changed my life, nipple, motherhood, little man, nothing like it, he/she's perfect, from the moment I saw her/him, priorities, most important job, baby, baby, baby."

M's Note: This is meant to be a humorous depiction of what occurs when you read too many posts about baby poop. Please don't read into this what isn't there. I support well-behaved parents and non-parents alike, just so long as they aren't dull, cheesy, and monotonous (just kidding--sort of!).

[Flickr photo by MichelleBlack]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Travel and Social Responsibility

Guest Post by Jeremy Jacobs
Professional Presenter and Speaker & Childfree Brit
Blogs: From Margate to the Maasai, Corporate Presenter

Just a few days ago, a close friend of mine said “Jeremy, you've had a bit of a spiritual experience haven't you"?

She was, of course, referring to my recent charity trek, on behalf of Breast Cancer Campaign, to the Foothills of the Maasia in Northern Tanzania. I don't know whether or not it was a spiritual experience – and in any case, the meaning of the term "spiritual" varies depending on whom you are speaking to. But I will state this; the thrill of walking 70 miles in temperatures approaching 90 degrees F over six days and on difficult terrain was certainly an achievement to be proud of. Those months of preparation paid off!

Now I've been back a couple if weeks the cerebral enormity of what I and my fellow trekkers achieved is starting to sink in. The ten of us all had something in common - either losing someone close in tragic circumstances or with a strong sense of social responsibility. And in nearly all cases, both. I think it was that "sixth sense" that kept us together and ensured that all who participated came through without incident, unnecessary physical pain or nagging self-doubt.

The charitable leitmotif, as you would expect, dominated conversations amongst the participants and some of our Tanzanian guides. Sharing experiences with complete strangers about ones personal life, close family members, faith and politics had an atavistic feel about it. Reminded me of school-days and holidays at summer camps. The amazing surroundings also made for a surreal few days. Every waking moment seemed to be filled with some new phenomenon, from the "Milton Keynes" style elephants outside Nairobi airport to the magnificently named "Superb Starlings", a brightly coloured version of that bird. Then there would be the confrontation, verbally, about female circumcision, followed by a description of termite hills, a Maasai boma, and who would be first into the field shower back at camp.

Wildlife featured heavily. Giraffes, ostriches and a nasty looking bull elephant took pride of place on the first full day. A deceased caracal (a type of wild cat) was the subject of much discussion over the campfire that night. Soon, a puff adder would be incinerated in full view of the gang. "Just as well" said one of the crew. "They're responsible for 25,000 deaths in Africa each year". We all guffawed and stared at the heavens which resembled a crisp new "Milky Way" chocolate bar wrapper with a low crescent moon completing the scene. Baboons; wildebeest, zebras; elands, Thomson gazelles; egrets, and lilac-breasted rollers were all viewed along with the vast numbers of goats and cattle belonging to the Maasai farmers. The most voluminous animal seemed to be the African donkey. At times, it was like trying to battle your way through an over- crowded beach at Margate or Blackpool!

Food and drink were plentiful and we were well looked after by our Maasai guides and crew. The latter all employed by the Tanzania Travel Company who in turn were under instructions to look after us by the overall trip organisers, Charity Challenge from North London. The camp sites were erected and dismantled each day in military-style efficiency. However, there was a moment when one of the party fell down a poorly constructed field toilet. The screams would have been heard for miles. Sorry Laura!

Earlier that day, a local school was visited. The classrooms reminded me of a scene from a Dickensian novel. You know, six to a desk and share the pencil. The following morning after nearly 2 hours of trekking, school-children could still be seen walking to that particular educational establishment which by that time was some 10 kilometers in the distance behind us. A black-backed jackal and a newly-born goat caused sensations that day but nothing could have prepared us for the entertainment that lay ahead. Firstly, there was the awesome "sunken crater", followed by traditional Maasai "jumper" dancing, then play-time.

Picture the scene - two jeeps, a variety of passengers in each, pitch black outside - its hunt the wildlife time. This involved the switching off and on of headlights until bands of wildebeest and zebras realised what was going on. They ran in all directions for their lives! After 30 minutes of animal baiting we headed home. Or at least tried to. Night-time in the middle of nowhere with no "SatNav" meant an hour of frustration ensued.

Twelve miles were covered in the heat on the last trekking day before another school was visited. Entertainment that night included a Maasai version of "show me the way to go home". The Ngorongoro Crater with its lions, cheetahs, hippos, flamingoes and hyenas was visited on the last day. Now that was something very special and I would recommend you pay it a visit [click here for Jeremy's crater picture].

[Editor's note: Jeremy raised thousands of pounds $$$ for breast cancer with his trek.You can view his individual fundraiser page here. There are some great photos on his trek blog. I will post a few here when Blogger fixes their upload bug! Jeremy suggests having a look at Charity Challenge if you are interested in doing something similar.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Theoretically Speaking

by Guest Contributor Laura Thérèse
Harvard Law Student & Spokesperson for No Kidding! International
Blogs: Childfree Issues, Childfree News

History is full of theories that have not been fully thought through. Let's add to that list the idea that intelligent people have a responsibility to procreate.

I have heard many times that those with low intelligence are out-breeding us. There is some substance to this: the more education a woman has, the fewer children she has, and the more likely she is to have none at all. Now I am not contending that education is synonymous with intelligence, (I know some brilliant people who founded successful companies with a high school diploma) but there is at least some correlation there.

From this problem, people immediately jump to the conclusion that intelligent people should go out and have more kids to compensate. Side-stepping for a moment the disputed idea that intelligence can be so readily passed on genetically, and ignoring the offensive eugenics overtones, this conclusion has other serious flaws.

What is the point of having smarter kids? Theoretically, it is so that society as a whole will improve. We hope future generations will break cold fusion, cure cancer, debunk string theory, and craft a better government. The supporters of this idea think their next generation will move us forward, or at least keep us on track better than a less-intelligent populace can.

This theory needs debunking if it is to ever go away. If we are not encouraging young women to get joint MD-PhDs and devote their lives to medical research, they will face the same cultural pressure to have children and raise them for the same flawed reasons. Where does it end? It is like arguing that a branch should create more branches, instead of leaves, so that there will be more branches to make leaves. Somewhere along the line, there has to be a leaf-maker. Why not Purple Women^TM?

Now this first theory relies upon a related theory that one cannot 'have it all', (I do hate that phrase) that women cannot crack cold fusion while nursing two infants. I would say that while working mothers can indeed make contributions to society, some of the really big advances will need to be made by someone who is married to their work. Perhaps it can be done by someone whose spouse watches the children, but unless our culture changes dramatically, this will be the women. Flash forward to a future depicted by Canadian author Margaret Atwood in her novel, The Handmaid's Tale, where intelligent women exist as incubators for their own superior DNA while brilliant hubby saves the world. A disturbing prospect.

An even larger flaw of this 'solution' is that it rests on a conclusion regarding nature v. nurture that is far from settled science. Is passing on superior genes enough? Do people really think that a brilliant couple who has no interest in having children, but do so out of a sense of obligation, will make good parents?

The “therapy culture” we live in is not going to fade anytime soon. I have serious doubts that my own theoretical offspring will make any great contributions when they're appearing live on Dr. Phil working through the psychological scars of being unwanted. Children know when they are unwanted. A child will notice the fact that she was raised by a nanny, or a mother constantly grumbling under her breath about all she had to sacrifice. I reject the assumption that her child is any more prepared to change the world than one who was raised by parents who really loved and wanted their child, regardless of I.Q.

The next time someone espouses this theory of passing on your superior genes, ask them if they have thought it through to its logical conclusion.

In the meantime, I will firmly reject the notion that I am duty bound to pass along my biological material, rather than making my own contribution to society.

After all, my own parents sacrificed what might have been far-reaching careers to educate the young minds of America, including mine. I am not making the best of their contributions by being just another branch on an endless family tree.

[Photo originally uploaded on February 27, 2007 to Flickr by Photos of Nature's Calm.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Magic of Purple

Guest Contributor,
Kate Smith
Color Expert featured on CBS Morning
Sensational Color
Color: Meaning, Symbolism & Psychology

Color is magical and each color speaks with its own voice. In the same way you have your own personality, each color has its own traits that over time have come to be almost universally recognized. Whether or not you consciously recognize these time-tested characteristics of purple, these qualities make it a good choice to represent women that have chosen a childfree lifestyle.

Since ancient times, purple has been set apart from the other colors of the rainbow. Long available only to kings and aristocrats, this expensive and rare color was coveted and held an allure and mystery that has remained with the hue long after it became available to the masses.

Purple is the color of power and passion; it is a color that evokes valor, self-assurance, imagination and spiritualism. It is the color of people that march to the beat of their own drummer. Is that you Purple Women^TM?

Are you an imaginative, intuitive free spirit who enjoys dreaming of all that is possible in life? Do mundane tasks and keeping schedules bore you? Do you feel bogged down if the humdrum details of life take up too much time? Then you are truly a Purple Woman. Is it any wonder that you didn't find joy in the prospect of juggling career, friends, day care, and neighborhood carpools?

Are you a keen observer of life who can grasp the intangible? If so, then you truly are a purple person who doesn't necessarily have to "see it to believe it." So while you have chosen a life without children, this special quality allows you to respect the decision of others and appreciate the bond between mother and child without having to experience it.

Just as the color purple is the balance of red and blue, you are at your best when you find a balance between your desire for excitement and your need for tranquility in life. When you don't achieve that balance, you may feel especially sensitive or moody. Perhaps you intuitively knew how difficult it would be to balance your needs and that of a child and thus made a choice that honors your spirit.

Purple Women^TM, you set yourself apart from others and consider yourself unique…and you truly are! Acknowledge your uniqueness; love the life you have chosen and embrace your decision to be childfree with the magical passion and power that is purple and purple alone.

About Kate: Kate Smith is a professional color expert, trend forecaster, engaging speaker and founder of Sensational Color (http://www.sensationalcolor.com). Kate works with both corporations and individual clients on using color to create interest in and elicit a favorable response to their products, their brands, their homes or themselves.

[Photo: Originally uploaded on January 14, 2007 by BennyPix.]
Technorati Tag: Childfree