Something Seasonal

I have been half-starting blog posts in my head for three weeks now. You may have wondered if I was ever going to write again. I have not been feeling very childfree lately. I've been under the weather, and let me tell you, we are having some weather right now in California -- okay, okay, just a little rain!

I think that from the time I started this blog to present day I have been on an evolution of Self. I have come to terms with that part of myself that is very obvious to everyone who meets me. I am a woman without children. It makes people wonder. I take time to get to know. I did a lot of reading (see our compilation post on all the childfree genre book reviews) during this time. I suspect that turning 40 was a bigger deal that I was willing to admit at the time.

I suspect that every woman who remains childfree, for whatever reason, will go through a similar transformation. Those who choose this path early, often called early articulators, will have a different story. We all do. This is one area one does not want to make assumptions, yet people often do. I am acutely aware of how different my life is compared to most childed women around me. It was not easy in my thirties, let's call them the early married years. There were expectations then; I am decidedly outside of the mainstream in my family choices. Being childfree is reflected in almost every aspect of my life, some parts are simply more visible than others. Now I am hanging out with women whose children are grown.

("Write something seasonal Teri -- write something!") We celebrated Christmas our way this year. Mostly, we have shuttled from family home to family home since we've been married. It was nice to be in our home for a change. We hosted close friends, a couple from Atlanta, my adopted Italian grandma, and an old high school chum. It made for some interesting conversation in the kitchen and at the dinner table. We went for a hike, laughed and told old stories to new listeners. It's not all about the kids for us. Our tree was an outdoor tree with colored lights and the good decorations stayed in the box this year. The halls were decked minimally and I am still trying to put all of it away. I didn't wrap a single gift. The gifts where stacked in the hallway, in the brown UPS boxes they came in, labeled "to" and "from". We splurged on our home-cooked food and focused on our guests.

As we approach Valentine's Day I've been reflecting on the fact that we have not planned anything, and I cannot remember the last time we took a week-long vacation together. Trying to figure out how to celebrate our 10th anniversary this year has been torturous. We've always been more of a "weekend-get-away" couple. Our spontaneity sometimes gets in the way of proper social planning. It is a real challenge for us. Not unlike our childed counterparts, we find many demands on our time. Perhaps demand is too strong a word. A child's schedule is demanding; we feel pulled in many directions. We have the family "must attend" functions, and we have hobbies and seasons to our lives. For my husband it is hunting season, deer and duck. For me it is opera season, and the two months up to a performance are busy indeed now that I have joined the "working board" of the local company. I have always been one to make commitments as a volunteer. It connects me to my community, wherever I happen to be. If I was there for more than a year, I was volunteering. For me, it is part social strategy. Volunteering is a great way to make new friends and feel significant. You matter when you are a volunteer.

Although we have no plans for Valentine's Day, I feel we have more than a little romance in our relationship. It has been a long time since we have had a long weekend, or a non-work related trip. We have uninterrupted dinners together almost every night, sometimes I even light candles. On weekends, we read the paper to each other over brunch. We say "please" and "thank you" and "I love you" often. We have every day romance. I don't mind that my husband may be away on a business trip on February 14th. We still hold hands in public.

I realized that today, compared to when I started this blog, I am in a different emotional place. Last weekend, I was invited to cake and coffee at our neighbor's house. I had not yet met the neighbors across the street and was pleased to know they would be coming too. Both of them, as it turns out, are retired school teachers. The first comment the wife made, after the obligatory "nice to finally meet you," was "I haven't seen any children." I simply confirmed, "We don't have children," and let it hang a moment as if it needed no explanation. Luckily, we had plenty of other things to talk about. "How do you keep gophers out of a garden?" "Will the city allow you to re-open the strawberry patch ?" A rousing conversation of gardening and local politics ensued.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Purple Closet

I find myself in new situations all the time, since moving back to the town where we got married nine years ago. We bought a house, so now you know we're committed. Yep, we're settling in the for the long haul, and we're in the 'burbs -- the outer limit of the greater San Francisco Bay Area. We even adopted four girls. Chickens that is.

We've been here about 10 months now, and I thought I'd report in from a purple perspective on how all this is going. We find ourselves surrounded by families with kids. That much has not changed. It's still a great place to raise children, and that's partly why I felt so alienated when we first moved here as newlyweds. It's the new developments that tipped the balance in my decision about whether or not we should live here for the the foreseeable remainder of our lives. For example, we now have our very own Trader Joe's, and there's an outlet mall under consideration by the city council.

Out of all the places we could have chosen in the Bay Area, this was not first on my list. This is my husband's home town, and we have many friends here that he knows from the kindergarten days. Being welcomed back to a place is a most wonderful feeling. I am also making a concerted effort to meet new people, to expand the possibilities of our social horizons. In particular, I wanted to connect with other childfree people, not just on the Internet.

In the new social circle that is forming around us, the question about kids always comes up right away. More for me, than for my husband. Men simply don't go there. Women do. I usually handle it matter of fact-ly. I don't go around introducing myself as the Purple Woman, but I get it out there now. And, then I move on. Next topic?

I don't define myself by a my vocation or my family choice, and I am only associated with an "old family" by marriage as I kept my last name. Getting to know the real me takes a little time. My husband has four generations of history in this valley. It may also take time for us to overcome preconceived notions that others have about childfree people in general. We are in no hurry.

I like what I see in this community. I like who I am meeting and how the place has grown, all-be-it very slowly. There are lovely vineyard-esque housing developments set to a backdrop of generous rolling hills. The downtown redevelopment has gone very well, and the trees and wisteria will only be more beautiful as time goes on. My favorite stores are still there, as well as a few new ones. There are two or three restaurants we'd feel confident to taking visitors to. How many more do you really need?

I get a little nervous telling my new acquaintances about Purple Women & Friends. It's a growth area for me. Still working on coming out of the deep purple closet. Somehow, I am more intimidated to be openly childfree in a suburban setting, but so far so good.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Made a list, checked it twice...

I have been thinking a lot about being child-free and is it really for me. I basically decided at the tender age of 16 that I never wanted to be married or have kids. I changed my mind about getting married and have been happily married for about 2 years and 8 months now but haven't changed my mind about being child-free! However, on the odd occasion I've had second thoughts but this has been the exception rather than the rule. On Friday I had some of those second thoughts!

You see, I work with children and I really adore the children I am currently working with. They are adorable, cute, sweet, smart, funny and I'm really proud of them. And on Friday night I was feeling a bit clucky, thinking, well, I'm in my 30s, am I really SURE I want to stay child-free and not have one of my own in the future?

I've done a LOT of soul searching about being child-free, especially lately. What I did on Friday night was write down some of the things I have done as a child-free woman and some things I'd like to do in the future. After I'd done that. I decided I was so happy with my child-free life, I've definately made the right choice.....
For ME. The right choice for ME. It doesn't mean I hate kids, I love them! It doesn't mean I don't respect women or men who choose to become a parent - far from it! And I DO see it as a beautiful, wonderful life-choice. But that's exactly it - being a parent is a choice. Some people seem to think it's inevitable. But it doesn't have to be! It's an option. While it's an option that is wonderful for some and terrible for others, it's an option I choose not to take.

Anyway, I'd like to share my list with you, of some of the things I want to do and have done. It might inspire you, whether you choose/have chosen to be child-free or not:

I've got a degree, diploma, travelled to Hawaii, Australia, Las Vegas, Belgium, London, Avebury, Warwick Castle, Stratford Upon Avon, Cotswolds, Spain (Madrid, Toledo, Seville, Granada, Gibraltar) Edinburgh in Scotland, Singapore, Paris, Venice, also Murano, Burano, Torcellino, Egypt (2x) Finland, Austria (Vienna and the Lake district) Prague and Wales (Cardiff and Pembrokeshire.)

Also, have a lovely marriage, lots of sleeping in and free time! (Well, sleeping in on weekends, anyway!) Am currently working on my career – full time work plus studies and working out a
bit – losing weight!

Working on my spiritual development plus met some positive people. I've had lots of alone time when I wanted it, DVDs galore to enjoy, internet, games online which I can play undisturbed. I have a lot more free time and money than I would if I had children. Here are some things I hope to do in the future with my child-free life and time:

Learn the saxophone
Learn the drums

Travel EVERYWHERE on my list:
Salzburg, Bahamas, Caribbean – esp. Pink Sand Beach e.g. Harbour Bay, Denmark, Dubai, Egypt (Luxor etc.) Provence, Greece, Germany, Iceland, Ireland, Italy (Rome, Florence, Capri) Japan, Jamaica, Jordan, Mauritius, Madeira, Russia, Spain (Barcelona) Scotland (Orkney, Skye,) England (York, Bath, Cornwall, Wookey Hole) Turkey, USA (Dallas/Fort Worth, Florida (Orlando) Grand Canyon, New York, Virginia, Hawaii, Seychelles, Zanzibar African safari, Cruise, go on an archaeology dig, learn origami in Japan and of course explore Japan!
Go on an Abraham Hicks Cruise, Date with Destiny

Become fluent and literate in Arabic and French.
I could get a Masters degree (although that sounds like too much hard work!)
New career
Have a cat
Have Horses
Perhaps live on a farm (when we are much older)

Early retirement (do you know how much money kids can cost? I've seen such research - the answers would SHOCK you!)

Parties
All night dancing
Regular dates with hubby
Buy a boat
Get published
Singing
Invest in property
Volunteer
Help my husband with his career
Have my best body (figure) ever
Work part time
Lots more options…

I don't think I will exactly have a boring, unfufilled life!

What's a Purple Woman?

I get this question a lot when I mention this project. I am determined to add to the small but growing collection of books and other published material (electronic or otherwise) on the subject of childfree by choice adults.

To answer the question, I believe that a Purple Woman (PW) is a woman who on some level recognizes and accepts her decision to lead a childfree lifestyle. The loaded words are "accept" and "decision" and it is true that not all women without children identify with this. I propose that even women who are childfree by circumstance, whatever they may be, can still on some level acknowledge her acceptance of her role or path in life.

What say you?