Purple WomenTM always need some extra social ammo when getting bingoed in public and in social settings. Britgirl has an excellent compilation post this week: The Childfree Bingoes - Revisited.
She is a Brit living in Toronto. I am pleased to tell you I know her personally!
Technorati Tag: Childfree
I know this is an old post but I just found your site...I'd love to use this response, but I doubt my sarcasm would be appreciated:Thanks for sharing. This is L.O.L.!
"We're planning on starting on kids when the padded, sound-proofed nursery is ready and we've finished interviewing nannies. Do you have any leads?"
Here are some Purple WomenTM buttons (they should also be links) to wear on your own blogs as promised. My favorite is the one with the catty sunglasses as I think it is easiest to read, but I didn't see any reason not to offer all three.
BTW, how are you doing in your holiday planning? What's your strategy? Family, friends, parties?
Are you armed with some good come backs when you get asked The Question? If you are planning to go to an office holiday party or other such affair unarmed, I suggest you read this post first:
From time to time, I hear from a Purple Woman. I have been encouraging women to connect with me by sharing my email, with promise of a PW button mailed in return. One reader inspired this reply:
Dear Susan,
Thanks for writing to me. I really enjoy hearing from a reader directly. It motivates me. You are lucky to have found a Purple Man, of course, I assume. He could have children from a previous marriage. You mention that your retort to those who ask The Question (Do You Have Children?) is an innocent, "I was blessed with infertility!" That is a very safe response, and can engender pity. I too discovered myself unable to have kids in my early 20s. I didn't want to travel that path, but it took me a long time to embrace the happiness that can be found in walking the less traveled childfree path.
When there is not a reason, like a fertility issue that childed others can get their minds around, it is difficult for them to grasp the idea that an adult would choose this life. The mainstream media has focused on these individuals first, but now the coverage is starting to broaden. Their questions are getting better. I was contacted by a grad student reporter who claimed to be doing an article for the New York Times and he wanted to focus on those who we call the early articulators. I tried to tell him there is way more to the story than that. We didn't do the interview.
Such a foreign idea, that one who is able to have kids and does not wish to do so, can make a person of strong faith, regardless of denomination, defensive of their scripture. Not everyone has the same grasp on religion; interpretations can vary. There are childfree church-goers, to use a convenient Christian term. We have had two bloggers associated with our blog who have covered this religious aspect of our existence. In fact, Shelley, our Regular Contributor, leads a bible group for childfree couples at her congregation.
The misunderstanding is not just founded in religious belief. The concept that an adult can and would choose to take a step away from "what we were put here to do," as one relative put it to me, goes against their personal belief in the rightness of their actions, and reveals that they believe their "truth" applies to all others.
I did not mean to write so much. But, in truth, there is so much to talk about. That's why I started this blog two years ago!
Be well,
Teri
P.S. I really only meant to say, yes, we still have more Purple Woman! buttons and I am mailing yours today.
It felt good to openly discuss my status as a Purple Woman at a family gathering today. In the same conversation, I mentioned that most of Tom's family probably assumes that my influence or malfunction was the reason for us not raising children. I don't think they really know that he has always been more sure about being childfree than me. I really caught his mother by surprise once when I asked her, "Why do you think Tom didn't want to have kids?"
We attended a family reunion on my husband's side of our family today. My mother-in-law passed away last year, so she was represented in her progeny and in story only. It was a glorious sunny day on Angel Island, not a wisp of fog that had plagued the previous day. We all felt so lucky to have this perfect day together on the San Francisco Bay. All my husband's cousins and siblings, minus a few key spouses and nieces and nephews, were there. It was a big crowd as Catholic family reunions tend to be. To my surprise, it was our openly gay cousin who asked me "The Question" at the reunion:"So when are you and Tom having kids?"
I know what Tom's reaction would have been, had he been within earshot. He, at age 49, feels he is well past the point of embarking on such an enterprise. I know this cousin and his partner pretty well, so I simply said,"Why would I want to do that?!"
We shared a good laugh and he said, "Yeah, me too!" He admitted to being perfectly happy that others in his family are procreating. Without my prompting, he acknowledged that for women, child rearing and bearing, is an integral identity issue that does not exist for men.
I loved hearing one of my favorite terms of endearment being called out all day "Aunt Teri this", "Aunt Teri that". I love being "Aunt Teri". It is my privilege to be a connected to the next generation, to support their parents by being present at holidays and gatherings. To think of them on their birthdays. To be the person they can ask "fill-in-the-blank" as they get older and the world gets more complicated. Aunt Teri and Uncle Tom show them by example that they have choices ahead of them, and that there are all sorts of lifestyles within one big happy family.
Photo of the last family reunion Teri's mother-in-law attended. She is in the center front.
Technorati Tag: Childfree
Woooooooo -- Hoo!!! It was so awesome, to use a surfer term, to receive this cool comment on the recent blog post titled Top Ten Tips on how to survive the question, "Do you have kids?":
I think that the more comfortable I am with my choice, the less this question bothers me.
People will always make assumptions and ask the same social questions that we all ask. What about them cowboys in last night game or what about the weather.
They are just trying to make a connection and children seem to be the easy glue.
I am a teacher, and most assume that I would have children, and I am asked this on a daily basis by everyone. My answer," No I do not" is my simple and direct reply.
It is nice, no extra tone --- nothing. It stops people dead cold. I smile and the conversation goes another direction.
They are caught off guard-- that I don't have an excuse or a reason, and don't imply any sort of tone. It works great. I think lack of tone keeps them from thinking they can attack, because they never do.
I also get this from kids on a daily basis. I work with teens, and I love them. I love everything about teens, but I am happy at the end of the day not to have one at home.
They ask me, both male and female, "Do you not have kids?" I add more to my normal punch line, [my reply] changes with my mood, but it might go something like this:
'Nope. Love teens, but you guys are enough to handle -- don't want a house-full!'They laugh and get the point better than most adults. Or I might say, nope I have other interests and I am happy with my choice. Some times if its a girl she might add that she would like not to be a mom, and I encourage her to do what is best for her.
So the next time some asks, maybe just smile......and know they really deep inside wish they had the courage to find what they really wanted before they fell in line with the tribal drum beat of "have kids or your life is over."
How to Survive The Question: "Do You Have Children?"
1. At all costs, resist answering, “No, do you?” You will regret it immediately if you and this person are total strangers.
2. If applicable, turn to your spouse and say, “Honey, this one’s for you.”
3. Roll your eyes and say, “I’ll take History for $200”.
4. Get a wistful look in your eye, pause, then tilt your head in a thoughtful way and say, “Just once, I wish someone would ask me if I am childfree.”
Be on your toes, and be mentally and emotionally prepared for whatever comes next.
5. Instead of replying, ask them a question: Any question, such as, “how do you know the host”, or “what got you involved in __________”. This will subtly communicate what you shouldn’t have to say: “I am not comfortable with your personal question”.
6. Answer honestly, and give them a “handle” to grab onto conversationally. The handle would be what you do spend your time doing since you don’t have kids.
7. Just start laughing and say, “Why would I want to do that?” Don’t be surprised if they agree with you, they may have teenagers.
8. Raise your eyebrows and make your eyes really big and say, “U-oh, gotta run…” Walk quickly the other direction. This is a not-so-subtle way of communicating that you don’t appreciate their personal question. Works like a charm on relatives who ask, “So, when are you and ______ going to start a family?” too.
9. If someone ever does ask you if you are childfree, they have taken the time in conversation to get to know you first, and made an accurate assumption. Immediately embrace the Purple Man or Woman!
10. If you’re really caught off guard and cannot for the life of you remember items 1 though 8, fake an allergic reaction to “fill-in-the-blank” and begin a mock sneezing fit. Walk quickly toward the bathroom. Re-group and come out swinging – socially speaking of course!
Flickr photo by by ores2k (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree
I find myself in new situations all the time, since moving back to the town where we got married nine years ago. We bought a house, so now you know we're committed. Yep, we're settling in the for the long haul, and we're in the 'burbs -- the outer limit of the greater San Francisco Bay Area. We even adopted four girls. Chickens that is.
Guest Post by
Anonymous Purple Woman
One of the greatest things about the Internet is the way you can connect with others to share ideas and points of view; however, I have been forced to question this recently because of my experience on my own blog. There are some people out there that I definitely do not want to deal with.
Here’s my story:
I’m twenty nine. For a few years I’ve realized that I don’t want to have my own children. Though I’ve done quite a bit of volunteer work with children, I’m just not willing to cope with them 24/7. This wasn’t something that I discussed with people. In fact it didn’t arise as an issue until I married two years ago and started being perceived in a new way – as a potential mother. Just before I got engaged I started my blog as a personal diary. I wrote about issues that I cared about which, after I married, increasingly included the difficulties being childfree in a child filled world.Like many of us, I got the kid question and the condescending response “of course you’ll change your mind”. The more people asked the more infuriating it became. So, as many people do, I took it out in the blog, writing down what I wanted to say to people, if only they would listen.
When I found relevant articles in the press I would link them and comment on them. At first, I didn’t have problems with comments. When I said something that people didn’t agree with they did weigh in, but in a civil way, stating why they disagreed. I was happy to respond.
When my posts became more personal, someone got angry. One post of mine in particular about "bad experiences with parents in public places who ignore the effect their children have on others" was linked to their website and mocked. Now this person has a “weekly feature” making fun of my posts has started. It’s all very high school. Other posts on this anonymously authored site mock local TV personalities and café owners. I don’t know who the psycho is who is doing this, but I do know that it makes me miserable that they are getting their kicks this way.
Reasonable discussion isn’t an option when someone is calling you a bad person. Or is it? I’d be very interested in your point of view.
Technorati Tag: Childfree
Purple WomenTM may need a little fortification when attending their company picnic/bbq/holiday party. Regardless of the season it's good to go armed with a dose of humour in these less-than anonymous social settings.Those still pretending to be a future mom (you know who you are, when strangers say "no kids yet?" you reply "maybe some day")...
...may want to roll these potential retorts over in their mind as a they touch up their makeup and dash out the door.
Here are some good one-liners that will give people a clue as to who you really are (witty and charming, and Purple of course, right?):
Q: Any children?
A #1: Oops, we forgot to do that!
A #2: We're supposed to have kids?! (With a mock horrified look on your face.)
A #3: No, we have cats. We can leave them alone on the weekends...(wink).
A #4: No, let's talk about sex instead...(in your best Kim Cattral voice if it's someone you're attracted to!)
A #5: Never had the urge, I just enjoy my fill-in-the-blank too much to give it up.
A #6: You know, I was really hoping you'd ask me that, but let's talk about fill-in-the-blank instead...!
A #7: I think my mother's calling me...(and just walk quickly in the other direction).
A #8: Did my mother put you up to this?
A #9: Hell no! I create enough garbage for landfills on my own. (Don't actually recommend this one, because a horrified parent might think you are talking about the child itself, not the amount of trash they generate!)
A #10: Why would I want to do a thing like that? Perfecting my golf game (or fill-in-the-blank) is way too important to me.
Which one of the above fits your Purple personality?
Technorati Tag: Childfree
Many of those who choose not to have children get asked the question why. There is not always a simple answer. There can be multiple reasons for choosing not to have children. Health issues are one reason and a reason that many consider valid. Others get married later in life and feel that having children is too risky for their age. For me the decision had mostly to do with lack of desire. Some choose not to because of financial reasons, others because of concern for the environment and over-population. Whatever the reason behind the decision, it is a personal decision and one that most childfree couples take seriously.
When my husband and I made the decision not to have children (a decision we discussed during our engagement), I didn't realize how that would impact my life. I had never heard the term "childfree" at that point. I knew that I had never really had a desire to have children, something that was talked about when I was a teenager. My mom even mentioned that I had never been very "motherly". As I began to fall in love with boys during my high school years, I realized that I would probably have children for the sake of the man I loved. Having reached that conclusion, I spent the remainder of my high school and college years assuming that I would have children. Imagine my surprise and delight when my fiance and I got into a discussion about children and I learned that he didn't really care whether or not he had children. We both determined to wait before taking any "drastic measures" (ie sterilization) to see if we changed our minds, but both felt confident that we would not have children.
In early marriage, I heard the "you'll change your mind" comment when stating we didn't plan on having children. This comment would infuriate me for it assumed that the other person knew my mind better than I did. As time went on, it became clear that choosing not to have children was a decision that few people make, especially in Christian circles. I began to realize that the decision not to have children was a major lifestyle choice, one that would impact the rest of my life. Choosing the childfree lifestyle put me in a minority, especially among other Christians. It also seems to be a controversial topic, ranging from it being considered a sin to being perceived as selfish.
Are you Childfree?
Of course, that’s not what people really ask when they are trying to get to know you. They ask, “Do you have kids?” As a middle-aged, married woman I get it all the time. How you answer can either lead to immediate bonding over the trials of the “I’m a Parent Too” club or any number of awkward, borderline rude comments, including completely uninvited queries into your very personal affairs. How can people on both sides of this conversation help each other?A friend of mine, herself a grandmother, confided that she always feels immediately awkward when someone of obvious child-bearing age answers that “no” they do not have kids.
Where to go with the conversation from here? I don’t know how she handles it when it happens, but I’d bet money that she’ll keep on asking The Question. Her chances of getting to do parent bonding are in her favor, and I know how much she values reaching out to other human beings. Most of us would like to know how to do it better, judging from the number of books that have been published on the subject.
Okay, I’ll admit that I just turned 40 this past year. I’ve been married seven years and I just moved to a new town and recently started a new job. All this to say that I have had this question posed to me a lot in recent months. Being in new social circles gives people plenty of reason to ask questions in an attempt to get to know you. It has not always gone well, despite my best efforts. Usually I feel like a doe caught in the headlights, and I end up I am making up excuses for not having kids, explaining too much. And yes, it is possible to give too much information! So, when my co-worker asked about offspring, I tried a new tack and was reasonably pleased with the results, if not the reply. I could tell from the unframed art affixed to her office wall that she had kids, so... I knew the question was coming, and I replied with a smile and simply said “No and none are planned, unless you count my two cats.” She immediately launched into a conversation about her kids anyway,...
but did manage to mention that we have two cats also. Instead of closing the conversation like a circle with a finite “yes” or a “no”, I gave her something on the end to reach out to. She almost missed it.
Towards the end of summer, my husband and I were invited to a backyard barbeque gathering. We were so pleased to get out and meet some locals in our newly adopted town. The hostess was a friend of a friend who was visiting with us. Our hostess ran a daycare center out of her home, a lovely person indeed, but we were having a hard time finding what we had in common – other than both being women and living in the same proximal neighborhood. Perhaps the reason for this lies in the fact that much of the evening’s conversations revolved around other people’s children, the O.P.C. dilemma. At one point in the evening, another party guest, formerly employed by our hostess, asked me directly “Any children?” I replied with a “no.” Bad move. She chose to dismiss my closed remark with an arrogant “Oh, not yet!” I was floored by the complete misunderstanding that just occurred and the conversation, mostly one-sided, just rolled right along. I exchanged glances across the patio with my sister-in-law and I think she approved of my silence. It was the kinder, easier thing to do, and I realized I created this situation by leaving her no clue as to my status or interests. By replying with a closed “no” I gave her nothing to hang onto, conversationally.
I discussed the backyard BBQ incident with my husband later and asked if he overhead this briefest bit of conversation and indeed he had. He was incredulous at the comment since this woman had met him already and not noticed his advanced age, which in his opinion is too old to start a family. I guess at the same time I should be grateful for being such a well-preserved 40 and flattered that people would still think I am young enough too. The miracles of science have extended the possibilities of fertility far beyond the reasonable, for those who can afford it.
As one friend pointed out, I have aged well because of the fact that I have not had kids. Soon the smile lines will deepen and people will just assume I have them, unless I help them to see otherwise.
In fairness, I have also been on the other side of the conversation. We all have. After asking “So, do you have kids?” I almost immediately regret it, as I am leading myself into the O.P.C. trap, a willing victim. It is deceptively easy as an ice-breaker. Too easy though, and as a childfree woman I vow in the future to break myself of this habit. Socializing is an art form and a real skill. Asking a good open-ended question that one can expand upon is lost on most of us from what little I do. If someone has kids, it will be easy to find out in the natural course of conversation, as parents find them impossible not to mention. They’ll tell a story and mention multiple names or use terms like “the family” or make a joke about being a “soccer mom” depending on the time of year. The question itself is really unnecessary. If you get a “no,” and then nothing to hand onto in conversation, I really feel for you. Ask yourself though, do you really want to inquire further and force someone to admit they’ve been trying to have a family for years, spending thousands of dollars and tears in an effort to conceive? Why risk it?I apologize publicly to my cousin-in-laws who finally adopted a baby from China.
I have no idea what they went through before reaching that decision – and it is none of my business, but since I was also in a position to ponder our family options, I always asked about it whenever I saw them at family gatherings.Now, if I hear someone mention their kids in a conversation, I whole-heartedly embrace asking about them. People love talking about their kids. So, it’s kind to listen and draw them out a little. Just know that they will inquire likewise, and if you are childfree like me, be prepared with a better answer than just “no.” For example try, “No, Frank and I value our art / travels / silence / disposable income.” You may at least get a laugh and you may avoid the O.P.C. trap. Of course this advice is for folks who do not have kids, nor plan to. My most rewarding reply so far has been a response from a parent, exclaiming the virtures of the path not traveled.
My sister-in-law says she so appreciates the childfree adults in a room, because they are the only ones not stressed out from chasing kids around. According to my new doctor, the childfree are less of an aberration these days. It’s much more common that it used to be. Coming from a doctor, it must be true. When he asked me The Question on my first appointment, I thought perhaps it was professional in nature, then he shared that he and his wife are also childfree. He said we used to be “regarded as freaks.” I hope that has changed. We may not be able to control what people think about our choice, but we can help the conversation a little. I can daydream about strangers asking “Are you childfree” in place of “Do you have children,” but I won’t hold my breath. I know we’re outnumbered. Just once though, I would like someone to ask a good follow up question like “what are you doing instead?”
