Adieu

This journey has come to an end for me. I have to follow my heart, because life is not all about blogging. Sometimes you just have to log off and simply live it. When I started this blog, I thought I would write a book. I decided to focus on blogging instead.

Purple Women^TM is my trademark, yet I admit I know not what to do with it from here. I have reached a turning point in this project. It has served its purpose. I decided not to invest the time in publishing a book. Nor do I have ambitions to turn this into a revenue stream. Is anyone out there really marketing to childfree women? (Okay, I could turn that into a longer post, but it is time to close the door on this project, as new ones have opened for me!)

To my fellow bloggers, especially contributors to this site, Guest Posters and Regular Contributors alike, a huge thanks for blogging along and exploring the childfree topic with me these past few years. I'd like to think we helped our Co-Contributing Editor, Laura Scott along her path to actually publishing her book. She announced recently that she has secured a publisher. Wish her well, and please check in at her website from time to time: The Childless-By-Choice Project.

The comments will remain open and monitored by me, the Creator and Editor of this unique blog, however, without new posts our readership will drop off and Blogger will only continue to host this site as long as there are visitors. At some point, all our work here will be deleted by a mindless robot (aieeeeee!!!). We have collected 2+ years of posts here, all on the topic of being a woman who is childfree. My final task is to make a back up copy for posterity.

Feel free to explore!

This blog is officially closed. I invite you to visit me over at my personal blog: Peggy's Place.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Change is in the Air

I look at the calendar and I know that autumn begins officially on September 22. Maybe it's because I live in California, where we supposedly "don't have seasons", but the start of school always gives me pause. I'd rather have a more noticeable change in season by measuring the percent color on the trees.

Kids went back to public school this week. I knew it was coming because my Sunday newspaper got thicker about the end of July with all the back to school ads. An entire economy markets to this and the community rallies, except for me. Purple Women^TM are invisible this time of year. It's a little known fact.

What are the true seasons of my childfree life? Will I mark them with my first gray hair as I marked turning 40 by "going short"? The passing of a loved one? Buying a home and choosing a community to finally settle down in? Starting a business?

Ever since I was a child I have always asked myself, "what difference will I make?" That question holds more weight for me, and it is how I will mark my seasons, indeed my very existence. It will not be measured by the pitter-patter of someone else's feet. I will walk there on my own. Well, maybe I'll be riding a horse, or paddling my kayak!

Flickr photo by sacrifice_87, cc
Technorati Tag: Childfree

How I Became a Purple Woman

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

As a child, I vividly recall one Christmas in particular - for weeks beforehand, all I wanted was a Glow Worm, nothing else. (If you're a child of the 80s, you might remember!). My relatives seemed slightly puzzled by my choice. They kept asking me why I didn't want a Cabbage Patch doll or Tiny Tears, and they kept insisting I'd change my mind. I stood firm, though - I told them that I wasn't interested in "some stupid, boring doll", even though it seemed practically every girl I knew wanted one.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Tiny Tears doll and no sign of a Glow Worm anywhere. Strangely, though, I wasn't surprised I'd been given a doll. I knew I was expected to play with it and at least give the appearance of loving it. You hardly need to be a psychologist to see the pattern emerging. . .

Other incidents come to mind: when my cousin gave birth to her first child, I congratulated her on the card and not her husband. My mother told me I'd forgotten to put her husband's name down and I told her I didn't. Why should I? She'd done all the hard work, not him. My mother was scandalized, of course, and insisted I add his name but I knew I was right.

I also remember when I was about twelve and letters were sent home from school about the Rubella vaccine. I asked why we needed it and when my mother explained why, I crossed my arms and earnestly pointed out that I didn't need it because I wasn't ever going to have children. (Of course, I had to have it anyway. . .)

In retrospect, it's glaringly obvious that I was what you might call an "early articulator"!

Tellingly, every time I tried to express my feelings, I was pressured, patronized and occasionally treated like I ate babies for breakfast. Unfortunately, some things are slow to change. . .

As I progressed through adolescence, I was bombarded by messages from the media and society in general that motherhood was the greatest experience a woman could have. A childless woman was ( for me anyway) rarer than a unicorn sighting. (I'd never even heard the term "childfree").

The few childfree women I knew were objects of pity and scorn, if not downright viciousness - even though they all seemed far happier than almost all the mothers I knew. From quite a young age, I sensed that the derision these women faced was prompted by jealousy yet nobody was willing to admit it.

I was old enough by then to recognize the financial and emotional strain parenting put on a person. My own mother often seemed stressed out, depressed, frustrated and resentful. I was puzzled by this: she was the first one to lash out at "career women", as they were then called, yet motherhood didn't seem to make her happy. Odd as this may sound, I was grateful things turned out that way: it forced me to open my eyes and think and decide for myself. It meant I learned to disregard society's expectations, no easy thing in staunchly Catholic Ireland in the 1980s, and understand that no one could live my life for me.

When I was 20, I started reading feminist works by authors such as Gloria Steinem, Naomi Wolf, Susan Faludi, etc. Inspiring as they were (and still are) there was still something I couldn't pinpoint until years later: even feminist writings seemed to assume that women were or would be mothers. A turning point for me came when I stumbled across a copy of Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap in a used bookstore. This book had a profound and lasting effect on me. I felt relieved, thrilled, vindicated. It confirmed what I'd always known and I was so comforted to know I wasn't alone, that there were people out there who shared my feelings. For years my not wanting children had almost felt like a dirty secret.

I was 23 when my niece was born and even though I could see the appeal of babies and why a woman would want one, I still had not the slightest desire to have one of my own. My youngest sister was born when I was 14 so I have some idea of the level of sacrifice, exhaustion, worry and expense involved.

My 30th birthday was a milestone for me, like it is for many people. It was actually quite depressing because I seemed to be the only one who wasn't a mother - it really brought home how isolated I was, even though I've never regretted my decision. Despite being on the receiving end of a few snide comments of the "just wait till you hit thirty" variety, the older I get, the more certain I am that I've made the right decision for me.

Over the years, I've gotten every bingo going - I'm sure most Purple Women will know what I mean. The one that I get most often is "it's selfish not to have children".

Ahhh, that old classic. Except it cuts no ice with me.

I tell people if they look it up in any dictionary, it'll be defined as being concerned only with one's own welfare with total disregard to others, or something similar. Exactly how does my choosing not to have children affect them? It doesn't really - except that it makes them consider their own choices. If that makes them antsy, all I can say is that they can't have been that secure about their choices in the first place.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the fact that I have wondered what will happen when I get older. Will I look back and regret not having children? I truly believe that I won't. And if I do? I would far rather regret not having children than having children and regretting it.

I never volunteer the information that I'm childfree - not because I'm embarrassed about it, but because I can't be bothered wasting energy explaining and defending my choice.

I make it a point never to ask anyone about their children or if they have any in social settings. It saddens me that in the 21st century society persists in glorifying motherhood, while women who choose not to become mothers are all too often viewed in a negative manner.

There is hope, however. I believe that generations to come will realize that parenting is a choice and not a predetermined, unalterable path. If people really think about whether or not to have children, the happier everyone will be.

Ask any Purple Woman and they'll tell you that not conforming to society's expectations can be difficult sometimes, no matter how happy you are with your decision.

Remember that the path less traveled has its own rewards.

And remember this piece of advice my grandmother gave me which I've never forgotten, and never fails to make me smile:

"If it won't make you laugh, it won't make you cry either!"

[Editor's note: AlphaGirl reviewed The Baby Trap for us last year. If you are interested in picking up a good book in the childfree genre, just click on the book review topic a little lower in the sidebar to see all our reviews. If you click on the link under the title "Feed Your Mind" and purchase your next book via Amazon.com, you will be supporting this site!]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Step-Parenting: Tastes Great - Less Filling

Guest Post
by Jules
Canadian Telecom Consultant
Blogs: North of the 49th, Floobergeist

Childfreedom wasn't thrust upon me, and yet, I didn't take up the mantle myself all-at-once. It was a gradual process.

As priorities changed, perceptions changed, and careers changed. As I grew up and became more self aware, I began to realize the pieces of my life that were critical; and those that weren't were slowly shuffled to the back of the closet. Having my own children: Not Critical. Participating in a child's life: Important.

At the same time that I realized that I was a child-freebie, I fell in love with a man who had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I squinted, I wrinkled my forehead in concentration, and I pictured myself in their lives. And it looked good. I could maintain the lifestyle I had built and the freedom I cherished, and add on a new dimension. I didn't need or want to go through the "baby-mother-delivery-give-up-everything, risk your marriage and your personal livelihood to procreate" process, and yet the idea of having a permanent relationship with children wasn't unappealing.

Fast forward 4 years: Every other weekends and every Wednesday night. I get a good, healthy dose of kiddos for 125 hours a month, in bite size pieces. I'm not really a step-mom, although the girls identify with that term more than I do. They're at a stage where everyone needs a label.

I'm just Jules. I'm the one who doesn't need to keep things equal, and the one who's allowed to have favourites.

Who doesn't crumble at the sight of small tears, who tells you to suck it up and get over it. I don't have to be the one who gets up at 3 am, unless I want to. I'm the one who's objective, and plays the devil's advocate. I'm the one who stresses independence and encourages creativity.

Playdates FREAK ME OUT. I involve myself in activities as *I* choose, or not. My goal is to influence, open doors, create opportunities for the girls to experience things they wouldn't normally experience with their parents. I'm their portal into the unexplored. I play on *my* terms, and sometimes not-at-all.

People ask me all the time: "when are you going to have your *own* children?"

My answer: "I'm quite pleased with the children I've got right now, thanks."

Their dad is just that: their DAD.

(cc)Flickr photo by Lorrie McClanahan
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Blessings

Guest Post by D²
Career Woman & Mother of two girls
Contributor at Diary of a Decision Blog
San Francisco Bay Area
I am not a Purple Woman by any stretch — I am full-time working mother of two girls 6 and 10 and recently separated having been married for the past 18 years.

My life, along with everyone else’s, is complicated, now just in a new way. My sanity and spirits remain positive because of the love and support of my family and a wide circle of friends—many of them Purple Women^TM and Men. Working full-time and participating in different activities puts me in contact with lots of interesting people, many of whom by circumstance or design are child-free. I don’t know what I would do without the affection and companionship of the Purple folk in my life.

For the first time in 40 years I didn’t have a family to spend Easter Sunday with, but my Purple peeps made sure I was with them. When I needed someone to mind my girls on Tuesday nights for ice skating show rehearsals, all three Purple Women^TM I emailed were able to cover all the dates with back ups, just in case someone had to travel (in fact, they enjoyed coming over so much that they want to continue Tuesday girl’s night through the summer). One calls from Minneapolis every day just to check in. Another one asked me to help her do a head to toe makeover. And still another is going to take me ballroom dancing with her husband. And these offers are not just limited to the Purple Women^TM — there are even Purple Men in the mix offering to take me out for drinks, dinner, movies and providing dog sitting.

So here’s to all to the Purple People in my life—you know just the right things to say and do to keep me moving forward. Blessings to all of you: my gang at CPTS, LAG, LB, MA, CVM, AF, SK, AG, EW, KG and the others that the Universe provides every step of the way. Ever grateful AWE (a.k.a. D2)


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Click - Part Two

Guest post by AlphaGirl

Blog Editor's note: In Click – Part One, AlphaGirl asks...

“As a single person with no family/personal resources, and who has humbled herself to ask for help, am I any less worthy because I chose not to reproduce?”

Click continued...

It sure as hell seems that way. A recent posting of mine with another online childfree community brought forth many stories similar to mine, and one young woman did email me off-list to say that she was in fact homeless. She had lost her job, and in short order, her car, her apartment, and her life as she knew it. I emailed her back and said I most likely wasn’t too far behind.

According to the United Way, Orange County, California has more than 34,000 homeless people; approximately 22,000 of them are employed, but their wages are not enough to ensure safe, affordable housing. So, they are either homeless outright, or “partially housed” in a shelter or in transitional housing.

The small Orange County beach town I live in has a rapidly-growing homeless population. How many of them are individuals who have slipped through the cracks of public and private agencies due to their “household size”?

Fortuna snapped her fingers, and these people went from productive citizens who hit hard times, to virtual throwaways in the eyes of assistance agencies and groups. Click. Anyone can be a month away from homelessness.

April’s rent got paid. By virtue of my final paycheck, and an advance on an already-bloated credit card line, it barely squeaked thru the bank, my landlord none the wiser. The rental market where I live is a death race: For every vacant unit, there are 10 prospective tenants. Tell a landlord you are having trouble, and they will price you out the next month. The check arrived five days late, with a late fee assessed. He was not happy. He is already renting to me at about $500.00 below market. Screw the other bills, they are going to have to wait. Apartment. Car. Hold onto to both.

May’s rent is looming. It is due in three weeks and I am terrified. I have yet to see any payment from EDD. Agencies are useless; they have made their stance perfectly clear. Childfree people are not worth their time/resources. Don’t get me started on “faith based” agencies. My nerves are shot. Well-meaning friends have offered prayers. As a devout agnostic with atheist rising, I can’t help but think that prayers are not going to pay my rent. I go through my days in a dry-mouthed, queasy state of anxiety over how I’m going to meet my most basic needs of housing and food. Any phone call, any recounting of my situation, and I’m in tears. A well-meaning conversation with my friend Maria ended in silence and tears. Mine were due to fear, and hers were due to abject helplessness. Her own circumstances prohibit her from helping.

The agencies and assistance groups have assumed the role of the goddess Fortuna. Have kids? You have our help. Click. Don’t have kids? Live on the street; you are not worth it to us. From visible to invisible. I can go from housed to homelessness soon. Click.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Haze

It has been a while since I have reported on my progress as a married childfree refugee living in surburbia. We've been here for six months now.

We returned to a suburb of the greater San Francisco Bay Area -- the East Bay to be specific. My husband was raised here. Four generations of his family were raised here. We were married here nine years ago, so it's very much a "family thing" as one woman friend of mine so aptly put it. Suburbs have always been described as "a nice place to raise kids". Not exactly what we are doing as a family of two.

So I thought long and hard before I agreed to stay here, to buy a house here, and become a part of this community. It wasn't just any house. It's the house my husband grew up in. It's the site of our engagement party, the place his youngest sister held her wedding reception, where many, many 4th of July BBQs occured. We look forward to many more such gatherings here.

I had to ask myself the obvious:

Question: Is it a good place for childfree adults to live?

Answer: It depends on who you are and what you're interested in.

Is it a good place to be single and looking? Probably not, however, it is still a great place to raise kids. Our neighbors who are raising a 13-year-old, invited me to a fundraiser for the local boy scouts: the first annual Womens' Sports Shooting event. I am still a dead-eye with a rifle. The proof hangs proudly on our refrigerator. What a hoot for only $20 in exchange for a full day of entertainment in a not-so-far-off wild California!

Our town is undergoing a bit of a cultural renaissance. The arts are mightily supported here. Even the small hobby airport is in the middle of a search for an airline to serve the citizens. Our town is among the top five participating cities in the annual Backyard Bird Count. Tourism is building momentum with the mostly undiscovered wine country setting as a backdrop. Thinking of doing Napa or Sonoma? Try appellation Livermore. You'll be in for a nice surprise.

When I make a decision, I go for it hook, line, and sinker. At first, I was afraid I would lose my identity out here in "the burbs", lost in a suburban fog of casual dress and discount shopping. I thought perhaps I needed a big city and bright lights to keep me on track, and stimulated. Instead, I am discovering a new side of myself. San Francisco is close enough to enjoy on a regular basis. For the first time, I have some "dirt to dig in" and we have chickens on this small hobby farm. You just can't beat fresh eggs. One of my neighbors has offered to buy my extras! Who knows what else love will grow out here.

I am a Purple Woman^TM, which means I do not have my own kids; however, I am very drawn to other people's children, especially my nieces and nephews. My husband and I actively seek other adults, who don't have kids, to socialize with. Children are such a rarity in my life, I really enjoy them, wonder at their innocence, their interests, when they are around. We are fortunate that many of our friends have older children who are more independent, which means they now have more time for us. It's nice to finally be in that place. I feel like I can give it a rest now and just live my life. Be myself. I am no longer seeking. I am standing still, and we do not plan to move for a long, long time.

Flickr photo by sweetpea515

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Click - Part One

by Guest Contributor AlphaGirl

“You never know when something is going to happen to change your life.
You expect it to arrive with fanfare, like a wedding or a birth
but instead it comes in the most ordinary of circumstances.
The Roman goddess Fortuna snaps her fingers
and changes the channel - click”
-- excerpt from What Remains, by Carol Radziwill

The Roman goddess Fortuna was very busy snapping her fingers on March 14th. Click. My hours at work were cut to less than part-time. Click. Job duties were subtracted. Click. My boss brought in her sister to do my other job duties. No explanation. No discussion. Click. Within days of the hours reduction, I lost my job. Click. My life, as I knew it, was over.

Like 65% of Americans, I lived paycheck to paycheck. This wasn’t due to irresponsible spending; it was due to a high cost of living, and a comparably small salary. Once rent, utilities and bills were paid, there was no disposable income, no money to set aside into savings, even with a small business on the side. I had new reason to resent the stereotype of the hyper-educated, hyper-achieving childfree person with oodles of disposable income. Nothing could be further from the truth for me. I am now without a job, without income, and if things don’t change quickly, I will be without a place to live. Click.

The days since my job loss have been a blur. Filing for unemployment insurance. Registering with several different temp agencies. Posting resumes on electronic job boards. Scrambling to expand my part-time pet-sitting business into full-time with no start-up capital. Hobbies have been abandoned in the name of survival. The cost of gas to drive to my track club’s weekly meeting place/training site has suddenly become prohibitive. In an instant, I lost myself completely. Click.

I had to pay April’s rent. My parting gifts from my employer did not include severance pay. A social worker girlfriend of mine suggested contacting private agencies to see if emergency rental assistance were available. “We only assist families” one told me after hearing my “household size”. Time and time again, that was the response. After many calls, I located a church nearby that would help, provided I showed proof that I had half the rent. In the meantime, Cathy hit the phones, calling around until she located an agency that didn’t base aid on family size. She rushed the grant application, and in the section that asked “How would this gift enrich the recipient’s life?” She wrote, “It will prevent homelessness”. Pure and simple. In the end, neither agency helped out. The church refused to help, because now I was unemployed, and how could I prove I would not need their services next month? Cathy called the same afternoon to report the bad news that “her” agency was not going to help…..again, based on household size, I was not considered in strong enough need. I can understand wanting to take care of kids whose parents had hit hard times, but at the expense of others?

That afternoon was spent in a state of fear and outrage. Essentially, I was not worth these groups’ money. In my anger and complete terror at the thought of losing my apartment, I wondered that if I had come into agency interviews with kids in tow, would my outcome have been different? Would I have gotten assistance? Of course. Silly me for being a responsible, proactive person for not have waited until near eviction before seeking assistance. Silly me for not having kids because I didn’t want them. Silly me for having worked and paid taxes since the age of 13, and having hit a rough spot just now. I joked about becoming a crack mama in my next life, as those folks seem to hit the mother lode when it came to assistance. It seemed as though even hard-working, sober, intact families were being turned away, but not at near the rate that single people and couples without kids get turned away. In essence, these agencies' actions told me I was not worth their help/time/resources because I had not reproduced. My “household size” had worked against me.

Cathy admitted she had to agree, and shared my outrage. Yes, funding is tight at agencies, yes, families are important, yes to all of that. But,...

...as a single person with no family/personal resources, and who has humbled herself to ask for help, am I any less worthy because I chose not to reproduce?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Optional?

A single man I met recently shared this intimate story with me. With his permission, I am sharing it with you. He is thinking it over...his childfree status that is.

"I've been going through some intense stuff around the childfree issue. The best relationship of my life ended in October because my girlfriend dreamed of having three kids. I told her that I could be open to one child.

Just a few days after that last meeting she came back to me and said that one child could be a possibility, so we are once again talking. Living childfree is an attractive option - one that I would choose under the right circumstances.

I am trying to live my life honestly and open-heartedly. That has meant not closing my heart to the possibility of children. At the bottom of everything, my love for this woman is bigger than my attachment to the childfree ideal.

If I do end up becoming a parent, I certainly won't be a judgmental and tiresome one."

We all start out childfree, and different adults evolve in different ways, some parents, some not. Ideally, it is a conscious choice. We are all part of God's village. We all have something to contribute; we all make a difference. We are all deserving of love and kindness, unless our actions warrant otherwise.

Purple Women^TM, whether single or married, can you relate? The question I had for him was, how long had you been dating before this topic came up? There is no right and wrong, but it could be painful if you wait too long and the answer to the question, "Do you want kids?", is not the same.

In my case when dating my future husband, I let him know very early on, because I was very drawn to him, that I was not able to bear his children. To my surprise, he kept coming around, and I love him all the more for it. To me, having the man I love was more important than raising children. I had the desire, but not the equipment. Just the opposite for my groom-to-be.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Reader Says

"Dear Ms. Tith:

I read the article in the Sunday Chronicle that made reference to your site, which prompts this email.

My wife and I decided sometime in the mid 1970's not to have children. We enjoyed the usual benefits of two incomes and no kids. And were quite happy with one another.

About three years ago my wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Following two surgeries and many rounds of chemo, she died about four months ago.

I mention this because there is at least one study that suggests that women who have had children have a lower incidence of gynecological cancers.

I am afraid I will always wonder if the choice we made not to have children may have contributed to my wife's death.

There are, in my opinion, many valid reasons not to have children. However, I do believe it would be advisable for women to have a thorough discussion with a knowledgeable gynecologist before making an irrevocable commitment to that choice. Especially if the woman is a member of a genetic group with high incidences of cancer (e.g., Ashkenazi Jews).

It might be useful to your readership to initiate a discussion of medical issues related to non-child-bearing on your website.

Best wishes,

Mr. Nicholas"

This email was the first one in my box yesterday. Nik has given me the topic for my next byline in Unscripted. This will take some research. If there was a study, was it duplicated? Was it definitive? What were the recommended outcomes? In the meantime...

...Purple Women^TM do you have any light to shed on the subject?


Technorati Tag: Childfree

A Story

Paranoia is not becoming of anyone, regardless of age, race, or parental status. It is not a trait I usually exhibit.

All of last week, I was on vacation with my husband and apparently, I needed the break even from this blog. We had not touched our golf clubs since we left Canada in the fall, so we decided to worm our way down California's lovely coast, through Carmel and on to play our first round of the year at the Avila Beach Golf Resort. I just love being close enough to the ocean to smell it and hear it. The weather had cleared up just enough for us to use the golf package we had signed up for.

Now, being the polite Purple Woman that I am, I invited the couple of obvious Asian descent to play up with us. It seemed the 'warm-friendly" American thing to do. We were following two foursomes anyway, and one of the things I like about golf is that you get to jaw-jack with perfect strangers. Only on a rare occasion do I wish they had remained so -- so I waved them forward to join us for the round.

We exchanged names, Kio and Nameko (I think. I always write the names of the persons playing with us on our card, but my beloved has tossed it already!) Heavy accents. Their names were not familiar to me so I purposefully did not ask where they were from or try to guess their nationality. I am half-Asian myself and know better. No one has ever been able to guess what I am by looking at me, and I know for a fact that I do not know a Korean from a Japanese and have made the embarrassing mistake of thinking that I did. Never again, I promised myself.

I guess this is not typical American behavior. I fancy myself as rather atypical on more than one account. I'm a married, childfree adult after all. By the fifth hole, the husband had warmed up to me enough to volunteer that they were from Osaka, Japan.

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "That's very far."

He seemed pleased that I was duly impressed by this revelation. Then he got bolder, and on the next hole he asked "Are you a mader?"

I thought he asked if I was a mother. I was incredulous and in the flash of a split second, I was just ticked enough to say, "No. Is that okay?" My tone was perhaps slightly sarcastic -- and goodness knows what expression I had on my face.

He was immediately disturbed by my reaction. I had misunderstood him. He blamed his bad accent and said he noticed how tall I was and how I moved...He thought I was a model. I should have known that Japanese have a little trouble when if comes to the "l" sound in the English language. Laurel is perhaps the most difficult word for my Japanese friend to pronounce. The "l"s come out sounding just like the "r"s. Teri comes out "Teli" half the time.

I confessed to him that I was neither, and the miscommunication ended in a laugh, but I felt like a heel because the poor guy was just trying to pay me a compliment and I thought he was examining my non-parental status!

Once we got past that, his wife asked me how long I had been playing golf, which was even worse, because the answer is twelve years, and you cannot tell by observing my game.

[Photo Originally uploaded to Flickr on February 4, 2007 by kmevans.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Sticky Business

Deciding where to settle, married or not, is not easy for anyone, parent or non-parent. Childfree adults will have a different set of criteria, naturally. We do not have to research the best elementary schools in the county, but a place to get that master's degree we've been thinking about may be noteworthy of a desirable location.

Since moving back to the States, my home state of California specifically, I have been hyper-aware of what has changed since I have been gone.

First off, I am a Purple Woman, so naturally I view my world from a different frame of reference than the majority of adults around me in the small country town we have settled in. We are not in total bumpkin-land, but we are in a decidedly remote part of the San Francisco East Bay. It can be problematic, being a childfree adult in suburban heaven where people move to raise kids. You have to find your niche. You have to think about it, create a social structure that works for you. Parents fall into one that is designated by whom their kids attend school or play sports with.

AlphaGirl posted recently about what I will call subliminal messages about what we "should be" in our environment, from doctor's offices to parking lots (think: parking for moms and moms-to-be). What I have noticed is stick figures. More than a few minivans and SUVs are emblazoned with stick figures, one for each member of the family, even the pets get an emblem.

A columnist in our local newspaper featured it at the top of her column last Friday: Spin Cycle - "the fluffing and folding of the news".

This must be related to that other annoying trend of placing a bumper sticker on your car bragging about your child who made the honor roll. What's up with that? Do teenagers actually think that's cool? Local fast food chain, Taco Bell, which makes a living targeting this youth market, makes fun of this tired trend with this slogan on their taco sauce condiments:

My Sauce is an honor student at Taco Middle School.

There has always been something about the suburbs that brings out comparisons, a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses feeling. Each small town, if you can call a city of 78,000 plus small, will have its characters. Norm Crampton, author of Making Your Move to One of America's Best Small Towns, advises that it's okay to be different -- just be consistent. I think he means that it is important to be authentic. Be yourself.

When my fiancé, now my husband of nine years, first moved me to this town and married me here, I was 30-something. How different it feels being here again at 40-something. This time it will be on my terms. This time I will do it differently. After all, I am different. Oh, and if I do want to get a master's degree, the California State University, East Bay is not so far.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Just Purple

Now that I am going by the honorific, The Purple Woman, people often assume it's my favorite color. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I have had to work very hard to find a purple that I look decent in (for the book tour of course). There are many shades.

Since I lived in San Francisco, there is an inordinate amount of basic black in my wardrobe. I am definitely not a lavender gal. I like neutrals, as well as big bold splashes of color. I dress to how I want to be treated. And sometimes I just don't care.

Purple is a fun color, with many associations. Mostly, I thought that calling my blog and book Purple Women^TM would make people curious. If someone is curious, they'll pick up a book and read a blog post. After attending my first ever blogger conference last summer, [picture at left] I changed the name to Purple Women & Friends to encourage broader audience participation.

"Friends" could be parents and they could be men, and they could be young adults on the fence about whether or not to have kids. The important thing is to think about it.

Recently, a friend treated me to an artisan fair featuring native American works, including pottery, silver jewelry with turquoise and other semi-precious stones. I was surprised to discover a purple stone called sugalite. It's from the cradle of Africa. Simply gorgeous shades of purple stones. Some day, I plan to own a piece made with one.

I also met a painter named John Balloue. The Waxlander Gallery in Santa Fe, New Mexico features his art. It was fun to speak to the artist about his work. He reminded me that colors also represent emotions and energy. His modern pieces really capture this.

So, no, purple is not my favorite color...but it is a useful one.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Maria

by Guest Contributor: AlphaGirl / WalkerGirl
AlphaGirl’s Blog: Childfree: Uncut

I am holding a mental image of a photograph. Maria and I are back-to-back, leaning against one another, but facing front and smiling at the camera. It is a metaphor for our relationship: We are distinct opposites, but in synch at the same time.

I’m unapologetically single, childfree, and outspoken. Infants and toddlers are cute in pictures; but irritating in person. I consider myself a realist, a pragmatist. Some might argue I’m a bit of a misanthrope. In the words of a friend’s 13 year- old “Ok, fine, whatev’.” I’m long on compassion when it’s well-deserved, but short on patience when I feel I’m being played.

Maria is a married, loving mom to three grown kids and will most likely embrace any future grand-parenting the way she does anything else in life: With an overflowing heart and open arms.

Her faith in humanity is unshakable. She loves people of all ages, from the red-faced screaming infant in the supermarket to the hung-over frat kid who serves up her coffee. Her patience and compassion are endless, and to that end, she is now a marriage and family therapist. She is also my rock, my surrogate mom (who knew?), voice of reason, advisor and all-around cheerleader. She is the last person I would want to offend or hurt. I value the relationship deeply, and am therefore more protective of it.

We differ on the parenting lifestyle. While she insists she’s fine with the whole childfree thing, I feel the need to hold back, out of profound respect for her life and her choices. I’m very prone to foot-in-mouth disease, to be honest. She has a fleeting familiarity with my brand of For-God’s-sake-stop-breeding-already brand of childfreedom. When she was a young No-Cal (hailing from Northern California) Mom, she practiced a lot of the stuff that I later would dismiss as “Eww. Enough of the Hip Mama/Earth Mother stuff..Gawd!” in one of my unchecked moments. Immediately, I regret my words. I don’t want to hurt her. She took it in stride, but I still felt like a jerk.

Like a protective parent, I want to cradle and shelter this precious relationship; to stop it from darting into the oncoming traffic of sharp words, hurt feelings, and stony silences that can arise from such stark ideological differences. She is curious; she wants to know more about my recently-published letter to the editor that ran in a national magazine. I read it to her, and quickly dismissed it with “I honestly didn’t think they’d run it…seriously.” She wants to know more about the advocacy work I’ve done in the past. She adds that no, really, childfree is OK with her. Honest. Shoot, her son has declared his own childfreedom long ago.

It’s easy to fall back on the old adage that a true relative, friend, etc. will be there and will understand any differences. A truly strong relationship can withstand such strong differences. Live and let live and all of that. She doesn’t inflict parenting on me, and of course, I don’t inflict childfreedom on her. Still, it’s hard not to be wary; I’ve spent time in the past sifting through the wreckage of previous connections gone awry. Could this relationship survive this very profound difference in lifestyle and choice? It barely survived a raise-the-roof-caliber disagreement a few months ago. Losing her would have been like losing a parent. Fortunately, we rebounded and found our way back, but still…..

The sounds of oncoming traffic are louder, more harsh. Fearful, I step forward to embrace and protect.

[Photo: Uploaded to Flickr on March 23, 2006, by code poet]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

My Silent Purple World

I was noticing how silent my childfree world is today. We have cats not dogs, and no children. Cats don’t bark and carry on, or have to watch TV constantly for their entertainment. Thankfully, neither does my husband. We rise early enough to eat breakfast together, sipping our coffee silently. Tom heads off to work and I am left to my own devices and a never ending To Do list.

We just moved back to the town where we were married, and we've rejoined the local tennis club with no intentions on using all those beautiful courts, but our shadows do darken the fitness room on a regular basis. Even that is a rather quiet experience, except when someone lifts too much and they clank the weights down noisily. I thought the club would feel a bit friendlier, but no one knows us, so the only people who greet us are the ones who work there.

About half the adults at the club are wearing headphones, so they can tune-in to the TVs mounted to the walls and thusly tune anyone else out. Hardly anyone speaks to one another. Strangely, no overhead music plays. I am trying to get up my nerve to go to the ladies luncheon later this month. Even the chatter of women talking about their kids would be welcome.

On Wednesdays, the neighbor's gardener tortures me with the leaf blower, and other than the traffic on the road out front during peak commute times, it’s pretty silent on the outskirts of a town called Livermore. This is life in the middle of great suburban sprawl, just 45 minutes from lively and vibrant San Francisco. I find myself socially isolated, new again in a town that is vaguely familiar, and the silence is deafening.

Something is definitely missing. If I stay here too long, I am afraid I’ll begin to think it’s a child because that’s what we are surrounded by. Can I really connect with Purple Women^TM here? Or, is the deck stacked against me in suburbia? Now that the dust is settling from our move, I find that I need a social life, a job and a distraction or two. Perhaps I'll buy a drum set and take up percussion.

[Photo: Livermore, Calif.]


Technorati Tag: Childfree

No Kids, No Regrets

This is my first post for the website, and my first blog, ever. With those disclaimers in mind, here is my introduction. Read on and enjoy!

When I think of being childfree, I like to think the childfree lifestyle chose me, instead of the other way around. When I look back on my "grown-up" daydreams as a kid, I realize they didn't involve having kids of my own. I dreamt of living on a ranch with a flock of animals to tend to, flowers and trees to nurture, and maybe even some horses to ride. I would spend long hours in the sun tending to my garden, and making sure all the animals were fed, loved, and healthy. I also dreamt of being a professor at nearby UC Berkeley, helping students to discover ideas that they hadn't previously considered, and contributing to the rich academic community. While I didn't grow up to own a ranch or to change the world, I have remained true to my dreams of a life unencumbered by parenting.

I rolled my eyes when neighbors would bring their babies over for a visit, and would wrinkle my nose as my friends showed off newborn siblings. No thanks, I would tell them, I don't want to hold/diaper/feed your new brother or sister. I think my mother realized very early on she wouldn't be a grandmother on my account. One afternoon, my quiet time of reading in my room was blown to bits by the paint-peeling wail of a visiting neighbor's baby. I tossed my book aside, came out into the living room, put my hands on my hips and said "Would someone please shut that baby UP?!" I spun on my Mary Janes and flounced out of the room. I was about 7. Yep, destiny taps you on the shoulder early in life and invites you to dance.

I was 11 years old when I read Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap. It blew my mind and set me free from the cultural imperative to reproduce.

As I moved forward into my 20's and 30's, I coped with the loneliness of my choice (friends were reproducing like rabbits then) and took comfort in the company of others who felt the way I did.

I read the works of Elinor Burkett, Leslie Lafayette, Mardy Ireland and other CF women who I saw to be very powerful role models. I took action and spoke out on pronatalism in our society and in the media, and the harmful messages that came with it. I have my bad days, sure. They stem from having dealt with ignorant comments/stereotypes, armchair psychoanalysis ("You don't have kids because of childhood trauma"), and other ignorant, rude behavior.

I cringe when some parents assume their familial status makes them morally superior. Hey, we all come into the world the same way: Cold, naked, and without kids. So I don't get it. In all seriousness, every day I'm grateful I listened to that scrappy kid back when who knew parenting was not for her, and I'm grateful for my choice today as a grown adult, living a life of clarity and of no regrets.

Where Do They Find The Time?

Many times I overschedule myself. Yesterday was busy with church, boxing and cabaret activities, then today, I was busy for most of the day. I know many men and women who live lives crowded with work, play and everything else and they have kids at home. I wonder how they schedule what they have to do and deal with their children, too.

I could never see how to mesh my life with that of children. I look at the challenges I have with my job, finances, as well as all the interests I pursue. It's hard for me to see how to mix the two. It appears to be impossible, yet many try and seem to be frustrated and tired all the time.

Ugly Family Cars, Being H.S.P. & Teenagers

Here are some things I don't like or want in my life. It doesn’t mean they are not for every one, it means they’re not for me! I just don’t fancy them, just like I don’t fancy becoming a nurse or a lawyer for example. It doesn’t mean I think no one should work in these wonderful and very important occupations! It just means I don’t fancy it for myself and it would not be a good lifestyle choice for me! It doesn’t mean I think it would not be a good lifestyle choice for someone else. There are many people who become lawyers or nurses and absolutely love it. There are also many people who become parents and absolutely love it. And there are also people who choose not to become parents because it would not be right for them and they absolutely love not being a parent (like me)!

Right, so now, without further ado, here are some things I don't fancy or don't want in my life!

First of all is them big “family cars” No offence to anyone who drives them but personally, I think some of them are really ugly! I’d rather drive something a lot smaller! Or even better, something really sporty, like a Lotus Esprit or a Porsche! Maybe one day! The little cars are very easy to park and I live in a city which has some quite narrow streets and limited parking in some areas. I’m not currently driving anything but if I do again in the future, it’ll be small, sporty or both!

I see a woman on the bus most days who has four daughters. They are quite cute and they are quiet on the bus, but every single day she has to try and find seats on the bus for five! I only have to find a seat for one. Some times people will give up a seat or two (and yes, sometimes me!) but many days, most or all of the girls have to stand. Whereas, it’s a rare day I don’t get a seat!

Furthermore, I like to be a bit “in my own little world” in the morning. Alone with my thoughts, or enjoying songs I love on my MP3 player. I don’t really like conversations before about 8am! That’s the earliest I get to work – unless there’s something major I have to do – and when I have to start chatting. So before then, it’s nice to be “alone” with my thoughts, even though I have people around me, I don’t have to interact with any of them. It’s highly likely that if I had kids I’d be having to chat with them on the way to school and well, when I got on and off the bus, I’d have to make sure they all got on/off safely, not just think about me.

Again, don’t get me wrong, I value children, I work with children. I love them, I appreciate them, I have fun with them, learn from them and daily they amaze me with the things they say! But I love giving them back at the end of the day and going home to my much quieter flat. I also love going home and not being the “responsible” one anymore. All day at work I have to be responsible and think about others’ needs and wants and put myself last. It’s nice to go home and it’s just hubby and me and the person who shares this flat I have to think about. I can relax (well, aside from the studies and working out!) hubby and I have our chats.

Another thing I want to add, cos people seem to say it so rarely, is I’m not really fussed on the idea of having teenagers.

That’s right, having teenagers. When people say “I want a baby” well, it’s not just a BABY you’d be getting. It’s also a child, teenager and adult! So you need to be pretty happy with all those stages of life.

I’m not comfortable with teenagers. Let me elaborate a bit. I know, when I say I don’t want teenagers, the first thing many people will think is, that I wasn’t comfortable being a teenager. Well, yes, I did feel pretty disempowered at times, and I certainly had my share of teenage angst but in some ways, being a teen was a magical time for me. In my mid-teens, I made some of the biggest decisions in my life. Including that I wanted to work with children and that I didn’t want to have any of my own. But it’s not my teenage years I was uncomfortable with. It was my brother’s.

He went through a really bad stage. Sometimes he would swear at my mother or throw her things against the wall and break them. And I’m sure her heart was also breaking at those times. I know mine was. I’m sure she never expected her son to treat her like that. But I knew that going through things like that was something I just didn’t want to handle.

I’m more sensitive than my mum. I don’t mean that she’s really cold – she’s lovely – or that I’m a real wimp, sometimes I can be really strong. But I am...

more sensitive than average, more sensitive to light, to heat, to noise outside my control and to my own and others’ emotions. (e.g.: I can often “read” people pretty well.) And I also need more time to unwind than average. There are a whole lot of people like me out there, about 20% of the population, apparently. They’re known as Highly Sensitive People or H.S.P.s and I’m one of them.

Some of them have kids and make great parents. A lot of them choose to be child-free. And a lot of people who aren't HSP choose to be child-free too. And a lot of people don't. And that’s all perfectly OK cos. there’s no one right path for everyone.

Back to teenagers. Some of them are amazing people in so many ways. So intelligent, so kind, so creative etc. But some of them, I’m sorry to say, act in ways I really dislike. I have seen teens spit on the ground on public pavements, litter, fight, swear continuously very loudly at the top of their voices and my friend saw one try to stab someone! Yes, some of them are very respectful, quiet, smart and so on but…..

It’s all very well to say it depends on how they were raised. Sometimes, maybe usually, yes it does. Some people make terrible parents and have terrible teens. (Or, should I say teens who do terrible things.) Or they make great parents and have great teenagers and I've met some of those too! But, you know what? My parents used to say that. That it’s all in the way the kids/teens were raised. And I believe they raised us the best they knew how and many, I’m sure, would say my parents were wonderful, textbook parents. And then my brother developed a drug and alcohol habit that marred several years of his life. At one stage he even tried to kill himself and we were right there.

My brother has turned his life around a lot but he was the last nail in the proverbial coffin of parenthood for me. If there’s even the slightest chance of me giving birth to someone who puts me through all that then I don't want to have babies/kids/teenagers.
EVER.

Made a list, checked it twice...

I have been thinking a lot about being child-free and is it really for me. I basically decided at the tender age of 16 that I never wanted to be married or have kids. I changed my mind about getting married and have been happily married for about 2 years and 8 months now but haven't changed my mind about being child-free! However, on the odd occasion I've had second thoughts but this has been the exception rather than the rule. On Friday I had some of those second thoughts!

You see, I work with children and I really adore the children I am currently working with. They are adorable, cute, sweet, smart, funny and I'm really proud of them. And on Friday night I was feeling a bit clucky, thinking, well, I'm in my 30s, am I really SURE I want to stay child-free and not have one of my own in the future?

I've done a LOT of soul searching about being child-free, especially lately. What I did on Friday night was write down some of the things I have done as a child-free woman and some things I'd like to do in the future. After I'd done that. I decided I was so happy with my child-free life, I've definately made the right choice.....
For ME. The right choice for ME. It doesn't mean I hate kids, I love them! It doesn't mean I don't respect women or men who choose to become a parent - far from it! And I DO see it as a beautiful, wonderful life-choice. But that's exactly it - being a parent is a choice. Some people seem to think it's inevitable. But it doesn't have to be! It's an option. While it's an option that is wonderful for some and terrible for others, it's an option I choose not to take.

Anyway, I'd like to share my list with you, of some of the things I want to do and have done. It might inspire you, whether you choose/have chosen to be child-free or not:

I've got a degree, diploma, travelled to Hawaii, Australia, Las Vegas, Belgium, London, Avebury, Warwick Castle, Stratford Upon Avon, Cotswolds, Spain (Madrid, Toledo, Seville, Granada, Gibraltar) Edinburgh in Scotland, Singapore, Paris, Venice, also Murano, Burano, Torcellino, Egypt (2x) Finland, Austria (Vienna and the Lake district) Prague and Wales (Cardiff and Pembrokeshire.)

Also, have a lovely marriage, lots of sleeping in and free time! (Well, sleeping in on weekends, anyway!) Am currently working on my career – full time work plus studies and working out a
bit – losing weight!

Working on my spiritual development plus met some positive people. I've had lots of alone time when I wanted it, DVDs galore to enjoy, internet, games online which I can play undisturbed. I have a lot more free time and money than I would if I had children. Here are some things I hope to do in the future with my child-free life and time:

Learn the saxophone
Learn the drums

Travel EVERYWHERE on my list:
Salzburg, Bahamas, Caribbean – esp. Pink Sand Beach e.g. Harbour Bay, Denmark, Dubai, Egypt (Luxor etc.) Provence, Greece, Germany, Iceland, Ireland, Italy (Rome, Florence, Capri) Japan, Jamaica, Jordan, Mauritius, Madeira, Russia, Spain (Barcelona) Scotland (Orkney, Skye,) England (York, Bath, Cornwall, Wookey Hole) Turkey, USA (Dallas/Fort Worth, Florida (Orlando) Grand Canyon, New York, Virginia, Hawaii, Seychelles, Zanzibar African safari, Cruise, go on an archaeology dig, learn origami in Japan and of course explore Japan!
Go on an Abraham Hicks Cruise, Date with Destiny

Become fluent and literate in Arabic and French.
I could get a Masters degree (although that sounds like too much hard work!)
New career
Have a cat
Have Horses
Perhaps live on a farm (when we are much older)

Early retirement (do you know how much money kids can cost? I've seen such research - the answers would SHOCK you!)

Parties
All night dancing
Regular dates with hubby
Buy a boat
Get published
Singing
Invest in property
Volunteer
Help my husband with his career
Have my best body (figure) ever
Work part time
Lots more options…

I don't think I will exactly have a boring, unfufilled life!