The Flip Side

By LynnS
Regular Contributor
Ireland, U.K.

Several years ago, I had a conversation with a young woman on a train that I've never forgotten. We began chatting in that curiously intimate way strangers sometimes do when traveling. It wasn't the happiest time of my life - I was getting over an engagement that I'd broken but that didn't make it any easier. There were quite a few reasons for the break up: for one, I simply wasn't ready to marry. I'd noticed a controlling, jealous streak in him that worried me. Back then, I didn't know who I was. (In fact, I would reach my 30s before I did). There was one reason, though, that set the seal on my decision to call it off:

I had always known I never wanted children and I had made that clear to him.

He would make patronizing remarks like "you'll change your mind when you're older" despite my repeated insistence that I wouldn't. He couldn't seem to wrap his head round the fact that I had not the slightest desire to reproduce.

I wasn't prepared to compromise. I definitely wasn't prepared to spend my life with someone who would disregard my feelings and who seemed more interested in going along with society's expectations than examining the reasons why he wanted children. So I called the engagement off. Shortly afterwards, I got chatting to this young woman who I'll refer to as K.

K had a two-year-old daughter, despite the fact that she'd never wanted children. She told me that she'd, quote "caved in" unquote and had a child. Her husband and her mother pressured her and society had done the rest. K knew almost immediately she'd made a mistake. She hated being pregnant and said that she didn't appreciate how her body was her own until then. The thought of giving birth terrified her. When her daughter was born, everyone was delighted - except her. "I felt nothing towards her. She didn't even feel like mine. I thought it was the baby blues and it'd get better but I still feel detached from her two years on."

I told K that I never wanted children. K was supportive of my choice and said it was an equally valid one and should be respected. (If the term 'childfree' was around then, I hadn't heard of it).She freely admitted she envied me and warned me to stick to my guns and "not to give in to pressure like I did. If I could turn back the clock, I would." K felt that nobody ever tells women the truth about motherhood.

She told me that she felt she no longer had an identity or independence. Her husband, especially, did not seem to view her as an equal partner or a person in her own right.

K went through the motions of caring for her daughter, saying "I put up a good front but I feel like I'm living a lie."

Listening to her, I felt sad and angry. She succumbed to pressure, yes, but how unfair that that massive pressure was placed on her in the first place. I sensed she was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and shame and probably had no one to confide in. I think she was able to talk so openly and honestly with me because she knew I would not judge her. I hope I was able to help a little.

This is the flip side of the coin we never hear about, I remember thinking. K seemed to feel so alone but I bet she's not.

We got off the train and said goodbye. I never did see her again. I've thought about her from time to time and wondered how she's doing.

I'm grateful we met, though. I'd been second-guessing myself about my broken engagement and I'd been feeling irrationally guilty for refusing to have children. Meeting K cleansed me of that. Whenever I'm bingoed, I remember her because I know if I'd gone with the societal flow I'd be walking in her shoes.

I'm convinced we met for a reason. I learned an invaluable lesson that day.

Listen to your instincts. If you're in any doubt about having children - don't.

Flickr photo by Malingering (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Raising the Girls

Okay, I’ve never breast fed, haven’t even lactated. So the girls are pretty much what the guys with vasectomies might call sport models.

However, I can identify with moms like Patricia Heaton, the actress who played the Ray’s wife Debra in the TV comedy Everyone Loves Raymond. She did breast feed. She has five kids. She had cosmetic breast surgery because, as she once said, she had to become adept at origami to get her boobs into a bra. I’m younger than Heaton by a few years. I’m not ready to go under the knife, but gravity has become the enemy. I practically have to go into downward dog pose to get into the iron maiden the bra manufacturers call "the underwire."

So I have to give shout out to Belinda Luscombe who made a plea to billionaire entrepreneur Warren Buffett to build a better bra. Her entreaty was published in Time Magazine’s Nov 12th edition, which also featured the best inventions of 2007.

I saw the irony. If we can build a robot that will lift a beer out of the fridge and fling it to the slug/football fan in the LazyBoy, surely we can build a better bra?

Luscombe pointed out that cup sizes were invented 80 years ago and haven’t been modified much beyond the first four letters of the alphabet. Nordstroms and Victoria Secret expert bra fitters take only two measurements to determine our bra size. Luscombe noted that a team of Hong Kong researchers took 98 measurements in their effort to explore the breast sizes and shapes of Chinese women. The Chinese win, again.

But we have the technology. If Levis can do custom fit, laser cut jeans, North American women can get a bra that fits. We just need someone with leadership, someone with money, someone with a history of investment in the undergarment industry. Someone with man boobs—someone who can share our pain.

Warren, where are you?


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Count on Nov. 15

I cannot tell you the number of women bloggers, let alone the number of chilfree women bloggers. Even the experts don't know. We do know that in the U.S., 42 percent of all women in the United States 15-44 years old are childless, according to the 2000 Census. (Likely many of them are still undecided about their family status.) Institutions tend to assume that we are all "future mothers", doctors tend to treat women as if they are forever "pre-pregnant". (Have you ever tried to get a permanent solution?) Childfree women bloggers are even more difficult to measure. I believe speaking out is more important than being counted literally.

Americans do not hold the exclusive on the trend of more women remaining childfree. The availability of contraception plays a role in this global trend associated with educated women. The issue of childfree women has reached all time highs in Canada, Italy, New Zealand, and England. At home and abroad, we draw the unwanted attention of reporters, sociologists, feminists and institutions alike.

Thus, we bring you the Purple Women Count Campaign: an effort to have childfree women bloggers included more appropriately in women-centric websites, and in the long run, improve how we are treated by institutions from mainstream media to the doctor's office. Changes start with dialogue. Surely if we start with other women, our voices will be heard.

Have you experienced being invisible as a childfree woman? Do you self-identify as a chilfree woman?

1) For those of you who have your own blogs, please write a post on this topic, or contribute a Guest Post here to be posted on November 15th. Let's all post on the same day and link to each other. Send me your URL/link and I'll add your blog's name to the Purple Links in the sidebar and compile a list of all participating blogs in a separate post.

2) If you are a member of a chilfree forum or discussion group, please post a notice to them about our blogging event on November 15. Let me know if you do so, so I can track our outreach. I posted the campaign announcement to all 90 of the No Kidding clubs asking them to participate. No kidding is the international social club for childfree adults. I run a chapter here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

3) Don't be shy about joining these women-centric sites and requesting a place for Purple Women (childfree). I recommend we work towards a category called Women Without Children. We can avoid the hyphenation consternation problems of child-free vs. childfree.

4) Let me know if you want a Purple Woman! button to wear. If you send me an address by email, I will send you one for free, until supplies run out.

5) Consider placing the Purple Woman button graphic link in your sidebar. Wear it with pride! It is in development now and I will post the code here as soon as it is ready.

Let's no longer be invisible Purple Women^TM! It's easy, just tell a friend, send us your blog's URL if you have one, and write about it on November 15.

Cheers,
Teri Tith
Creator & Contributing Editor
Purple Women & Friends

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Do Your Breast

A certain body part has come under particular scrutiny Purple Women^TM. You know the ones, they come in pairs are considered by many to be "weapons of mass destruction," they are associated with erotica, and most recently deemed objectionable by Facebook when a mother posted a photo of this body part exposed while nursing her baby. Frankly, I am more offended by swearing in public.

Women are so villified, and not just by Islam. I blog about this today because there is a Purple Woman out there doing something about it. Her name is Sue Richards. She is the Breast Health Empress -- breast health, not breast cancer. Breast health includes having healthy attitudes towards our breasts and our bodies, and how to care for them -- before a diagnosis. Let's call it preventative.

Denise, over at BlogHer is an official Breast Ambassador (you can become one too) and she posted about this topic recently. I also met Sue at BlogHer. In fact, she was the first person I met. We were sitting out by the pool because we both had registered so late we could not get in to the first day. Each of us had flown all the way from Ontario, Canada to be at BlogHer '06. We marveled at how far we had to come to meet each other when we lived, at the time, in the same province.

I later went to interview her at her home in Guelph, right before we moved back to California. I will feature her in a new series of posts called Profiles of Purple Women. With her permission, I will publish her story on this blog. Stay tuned for the upcoming story. She is a self-described Social Entrepreneur and a heroine of mine.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

How I Became a Purple Woman

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

As a child, I vividly recall one Christmas in particular - for weeks beforehand, all I wanted was a Glow Worm, nothing else. (If you're a child of the 80s, you might remember!). My relatives seemed slightly puzzled by my choice. They kept asking me why I didn't want a Cabbage Patch doll or Tiny Tears, and they kept insisting I'd change my mind. I stood firm, though - I told them that I wasn't interested in "some stupid, boring doll", even though it seemed practically every girl I knew wanted one.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Tiny Tears doll and no sign of a Glow Worm anywhere. Strangely, though, I wasn't surprised I'd been given a doll. I knew I was expected to play with it and at least give the appearance of loving it. You hardly need to be a psychologist to see the pattern emerging. . .

Other incidents come to mind: when my cousin gave birth to her first child, I congratulated her on the card and not her husband. My mother told me I'd forgotten to put her husband's name down and I told her I didn't. Why should I? She'd done all the hard work, not him. My mother was scandalized, of course, and insisted I add his name but I knew I was right.

I also remember when I was about twelve and letters were sent home from school about the Rubella vaccine. I asked why we needed it and when my mother explained why, I crossed my arms and earnestly pointed out that I didn't need it because I wasn't ever going to have children. (Of course, I had to have it anyway. . .)

In retrospect, it's glaringly obvious that I was what you might call an "early articulator"!

Tellingly, every time I tried to express my feelings, I was pressured, patronized and occasionally treated like I ate babies for breakfast. Unfortunately, some things are slow to change. . .

As I progressed through adolescence, I was bombarded by messages from the media and society in general that motherhood was the greatest experience a woman could have. A childless woman was ( for me anyway) rarer than a unicorn sighting. (I'd never even heard the term "childfree").

The few childfree women I knew were objects of pity and scorn, if not downright viciousness - even though they all seemed far happier than almost all the mothers I knew. From quite a young age, I sensed that the derision these women faced was prompted by jealousy yet nobody was willing to admit it.

I was old enough by then to recognize the financial and emotional strain parenting put on a person. My own mother often seemed stressed out, depressed, frustrated and resentful. I was puzzled by this: she was the first one to lash out at "career women", as they were then called, yet motherhood didn't seem to make her happy. Odd as this may sound, I was grateful things turned out that way: it forced me to open my eyes and think and decide for myself. It meant I learned to disregard society's expectations, no easy thing in staunchly Catholic Ireland in the 1980s, and understand that no one could live my life for me.

When I was 20, I started reading feminist works by authors such as Gloria Steinem, Naomi Wolf, Susan Faludi, etc. Inspiring as they were (and still are) there was still something I couldn't pinpoint until years later: even feminist writings seemed to assume that women were or would be mothers. A turning point for me came when I stumbled across a copy of Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap in a used bookstore. This book had a profound and lasting effect on me. I felt relieved, thrilled, vindicated. It confirmed what I'd always known and I was so comforted to know I wasn't alone, that there were people out there who shared my feelings. For years my not wanting children had almost felt like a dirty secret.

I was 23 when my niece was born and even though I could see the appeal of babies and why a woman would want one, I still had not the slightest desire to have one of my own. My youngest sister was born when I was 14 so I have some idea of the level of sacrifice, exhaustion, worry and expense involved.

My 30th birthday was a milestone for me, like it is for many people. It was actually quite depressing because I seemed to be the only one who wasn't a mother - it really brought home how isolated I was, even though I've never regretted my decision. Despite being on the receiving end of a few snide comments of the "just wait till you hit thirty" variety, the older I get, the more certain I am that I've made the right decision for me.

Over the years, I've gotten every bingo going - I'm sure most Purple Women will know what I mean. The one that I get most often is "it's selfish not to have children".

Ahhh, that old classic. Except it cuts no ice with me.

I tell people if they look it up in any dictionary, it'll be defined as being concerned only with one's own welfare with total disregard to others, or something similar. Exactly how does my choosing not to have children affect them? It doesn't really - except that it makes them consider their own choices. If that makes them antsy, all I can say is that they can't have been that secure about their choices in the first place.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the fact that I have wondered what will happen when I get older. Will I look back and regret not having children? I truly believe that I won't. And if I do? I would far rather regret not having children than having children and regretting it.

I never volunteer the information that I'm childfree - not because I'm embarrassed about it, but because I can't be bothered wasting energy explaining and defending my choice.

I make it a point never to ask anyone about their children or if they have any in social settings. It saddens me that in the 21st century society persists in glorifying motherhood, while women who choose not to become mothers are all too often viewed in a negative manner.

There is hope, however. I believe that generations to come will realize that parenting is a choice and not a predetermined, unalterable path. If people really think about whether or not to have children, the happier everyone will be.

Ask any Purple Woman and they'll tell you that not conforming to society's expectations can be difficult sometimes, no matter how happy you are with your decision.

Remember that the path less traveled has its own rewards.

And remember this piece of advice my grandmother gave me which I've never forgotten, and never fails to make me smile:

"If it won't make you laugh, it won't make you cry either!"

[Editor's note: AlphaGirl reviewed The Baby Trap for us last year. If you are interested in picking up a good book in the childfree genre, just click on the book review topic a little lower in the sidebar to see all our reviews. If you click on the link under the title "Feed Your Mind" and purchase your next book via Amazon.com, you will be supporting this site!]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Tick Tock

Purple Women^TM do not suffer from the biological clock. We've made a decision, however, since we are not really purple, there is really no good way for people to know that just because we happen to be a woman, we do not plan on becoming a mother.

Carrie Friedman of Los Angeles illustrates this point beautifully in her guest editorial for Newsweek. Carrie looks forward to being a mother and even admits she infantilizes her pet dog, but she doesn't want people asking her about her family status all the time. She calls out the double-standard that women are held to, noting that her husband does not get the same invasive questioning.

I hope you have a chance to read her article: Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock (Newsweek, My Turn; page 16; July 23, 2007).

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Write a Letter

Today's Sunday edition of the San Francisco Chronicle featured this story on the front page of the Style section: Group Weighs in on Advertising Impact.

"You don't have to be a radically minded person to change the way that women and girls feel about themselves. You don't even have to consider yourself a feminist. You just have to know what bothers you and what doesn't and do something about it."

-- Jennifer Berger, Executive Director, About Face

Purple Women^TM and their non-purple friends who are raising daughters will appreciate what this organization is trying to do. Have you ever been standing in line at the grocery store and tried not to look at all the demeaning women's magazines that are offered there? They focus on an ideal image of beauty that we cannot all possibly meet. Well, this organization aims to do something about it. We are consumers all, and we make choices every day that support the hidden messages that are embedded in these headlines, articles, and ads. We decide to shop at that store, to buy that magazine, etc.

Puleeeeeease, don't buy these magazines! Make a donation to About Face (www.about-face.org) instead, and write a letter to the publisher, or better yet to the manager of the store. About Face is going into schools to educate future consumers, all in the name of building self-esteem for young women. Bravo!

Ladies, it's time we re-write that nursery rhyme,

First comes love, then come marriage...

...and then comes whatever the hell you want. (Pardon my French.) And, if you don't believe that, then somewhere along the way, the system has failed you -- your family unit, your schools, your community, publishers of women's magazines, and TV magnates -- society at large perhaps.

The official website associated with this blog (www.PurpleWomen.org) will evolve in this advocacy direction, and we can take a lesson or two from the advocacy pages on the About Face website. There are lots of examples of letters that have been sent and a few responses from the producers of the offensive advertisments. I have always believed in the power of a well-directed letter. As we continue to examine how childfree women are portrayed in the media, we can blog about it here, and we can also write letters.

They say one well-written letter is worth 100 people behind it who feel the same way. Every politician knows this. So, where do we begin? In the U.S. we are coming up on an election year. Let's keep an eye out for our first collaborative effort. Purple Women^TM, let's weigh in -- remember, you don't have to be a radical feminist to do it!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Public Health

Reproductive Rights are a matter of public health. To reproduce or not, affects entire families and communities -- not women alone. Policy in this area is set at the highest level and monitored closely by our highest court's decisions. Are you tracking them?

Purple Women^TM and Men will be pleased to know that last month, Eric Keroack resigned as head of Family Planning, a division of the Department of Health and Human Services here in the U.S. He was a presidential appointee, and simply the wrong man for the job. Public pressure, much of it right here in the blogosphere, contributed to this turn of events. I first posted about this back in February: Reproduction Choice and How to Defend It. Read Gloria Feldt, a fellow at the International Leadership Forum Post, to keep up with the latest on these issues and rights, which need vigilant defending and vocal advocates.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is cause to break out the champagne. As we get older, it is no less important to celebrate our advances -- in our causes, not our age!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Foreign Issue

Picked up the October 2006 issue of Wired Magazine at an airport recently. It covers all things high tech, from the latest gizmos to how technology enhances our modern lives. I was not so much interested in the gaming section, but this tidbit on surrogate birthing, using "the uteri" of young women in India caught my eye.

Apparently, it’s just one tenth the cost of using a North American surrogate -- and unregulated. I wonder if they factored in the cost of the plane ticket? Not sure how many would be needed…I hear it's a long plane ride. My what lengths people will go to in order to become parents.

This brief mention appears under the sub-head "Wombs" on page 040 in their "Outsourcing" section really creeped me out. The very idea of procreation at all costs (a bargain at $3,500 for the full term in India) makes my hairs stand on end. I have many questions about what seems like a Far East version of a Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood).

I am guessing at the mindset of the parents-to-be, but what is the mindset of these young women? Is it a selfless and perhaps profitable act on their part or a debase use of poor women’s bodies? What price do we pay as a global society if we use young women this way? When we don’t protect the young, the poor, the innocent – what does that make us?

Or, is it truly a win-win? Even the middle man wins in this case. Who takes what profit? How much does the surrogate get? How risky is this procedure for them? Are they compensated adequately? What is their average age? Where do they come from? How are they recruited? Whose brainchild is this anyway? Is this the dark underbelly of capitalism in the world’s largest democracy? So many questions.

New medical devices and procedures are not meant to be welcomed with open arms. We should questions them, put them up to the bright light of scrutiny, whether it is the newest form of birth control or the latest cure for infertility.

Beyond passing clinical trials with "marketable results, we must apply moral tests of the heart. Just because it’s legal somewhere, should we do it? Should we regulate it? The answers we come up with may differ. Let’s at least discuss it.

[Incidentally, in India when someone asks about family status, they say, “Any issue?”]


Technorati Tag: Childfree

A Permanent Solution: Part 2

Temporary forms of birth control tend to be regimented, and no form is 100% effective; at some point, you may consider a permanent solution. The permanent solutions for women include hysterectomy, tubal-ligation (TL), and a new innovative procedure called Essure. The first option represents major abdominal surgery, a hospital stay and significant recovery time. Even TL requires incisions, recovery time, and the inherent risks of general anesthesia, as it does for men having a vasectomy.

Essure is the name of a medical device and a procedure that has been pioneered by a company out of Mountain View, California. I learned about it while attending the BlogHer ’06 conference. (The women at Essure read this blog!) The FDA approved it in 2002, and it represents a significant step forward.

How does it work?
A tiny micro-insert coil is placed in each of your fallopian tubes without any incision. Then your body works with the device to close the passage with tissue. It can take 3 months or more and an alternate form of contraception (or abstinence) should be practice during that time. Then in 3 months, you undergo a special type of x-ray, called a hysterosalpingogram or HSG for short. For some women, it will take longer for the tissue to form. The x-ray is no more invasive than the procedure itself and involves a special dye. (Note: This type of x-ray was first developed for use with infertility procedures, so you should remind the radiologist that you are there to confirm the micro-insert placement!)

If you’re still interested, discuss it with your doctor and find a doctor that is approved to perform the Essure placement. I used their online search tool to find doctors approved to do the procedure within a 50 mile-radius of Atlanta, Detroit, and San Francisco and found 30 or more in each location. If you call the Essure hotline you get to speak to a nurse .

The benefits:

• Less invasive, no incisions required
  
• Faster recovery time, in most cases back to work next day
  
• Doctor’s office procedure, not under general anesthesia
  
• No hormones added to your body’s chemistry
  
• 99.8% effectiveness rate (based on four clinical years of data)

If you are single and younger than age 35, you may have difficulty getting any doctor to perform any permanent birth control solution, so first be sure and then be persistent. It’s a permanent (non-reversible solution) after all. Oh, and if you visit the Essure website, please don’t be put off by the copy just below their headline. I have modified it here to apply to Purple Women^TM exclusively (tee hee):

"Are You an Essure Woman?
If you’re sure you don’t want any more children and you are tired of using temporary birth control… "

Try to get past the huge assumption that you’ve already had children, because this device and the procedure associated with it represents some significant advances in permanent birth control. I recommend reading the No Regrets post on the Essure blog.

A Permanent Solution: Part 1


Technorati tags: childfree sterilization birth control

A Permanent Solution: Part 1

Among my circle of childfree friends and acquaintances, the topic of a permanent solution for birth control has come up more than once. The pill is only so effective, not a 100% solution, and let’s face it, you are messing with your hormones - you’ll probably have to eat organic at some point.

One resourceful woman was having such difficulty finding a doctor to perform sterilization; she approached the leader of our local No Kidding social club for help. The chapter president assisted her by posting her request for help and information, specifically referral to a doctor, anonymously. I believe she did find a medical professional that was willing to perform the elective surgery.

Our location is Toronto, Ontario, Canada, a decidedly modern, fast-forward paced city of 2.48 million people from all over the world. Another friend shared that she had no trouble getting the procedure done. Her doctor was very clear in confirming the permanence of the decision she was making, but she allowed her to make it. Under the Canadian system, the cost was quite reasonable, but she was told firmly in advance should she wish a reversal in the future, that procedure was more than triple the cost and there was no guarantee of being able to bear a child.

The woman in the previous story had been turned down more than once and was getting desperate. This is not an uncommon experience, apparently for Canadians and Americans alike. The details of her story, her age, and her circumstances remain private.

Why was she having so much trouble? Well, possibly because of her age and her marital status. I wonder how it is in other parts of the world?


Technorati Tag: childfree birth control

Forever Pre-Pregnant

According an article by January W. Payne in the Washington Post yesterday,

"New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon.

Among other things, this means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control... Women should also make sure all vaccinations are up-to-date and avoid contact with lead-based paints and cat feces..."

Thanks for the tips!

Say, here's an idea: why don't you recommend all of these obviously health-promoting guidelines to women without attaching the guilt/fear factor of infant mortality? Maybe I'm just one of these women...

"Experts acknowledge that women with no plans to get pregnant in the near future may resist preconception care.

'We know that women -- unless you're actively planning [a pregnancy], . . . she doesn't want to talk about it," Biermann said. So clinicians must find a "way to do this and not scare women," by promoting preconception care as part of standard women's health care, she said."

There is something very The Handmaid's Tale about this. Not to mention the near-complete disregard for women who have decided to be childfree.


Technorati Tags: Childfree

What Do I Know Since I'm Not A Mom?

There was a woman who used to attend my church. She and her husband had six children. She'd brag they were like the Brady Bunch because she had three girls and three boys. Their kids were mischevious hooligans. I was co-leader of a youth group that met after church service, and I hated to see her kids coming. It was near impossible to keep order when they were in attendance. Her youngest was often placed in the nursery during Sunday service because the child was too antsy to keep still. One Sunday, it was my turn to man the nursery, and I babysat the kid. When service was over, her mother came to collect her. I don't remember the exact gist of the brief conversation, but I do know it was something about some issue she had with her kids. Before she walked away with her child, she abruptly said, "Oh, wait. You don't know. You don't have any kids."

I didn't like her tone or the attitude behind that statement. It was not the first time. The comment was not always verbalized. Sometimes it came in the form of rolled eyes, a slight sneer, raised eyebrows, or the "what kind of alien are you?" look. I seldom get that from men, but some childed women are quick to dismiss any possibility that women who don't have children know much of anything.

There is the erroneous idea that parenthood automatically grants wisdom to people. Society gives the impression that parenthood will make someone "grow up", but can we honestly say we know any pre-teens and teenagers who were magically endowed with knowledge to function as full-fledged adults when they became pregnant or got someone pregnant? Can we say that all of the adults we know who are parents are mature? Of course not.