Purple Again

People used to ask me why "purple" women? It's a long story. Unless you for some unknown reason hate that color, the term when used to modify the word "woman" is relatively neutral, and begs definition. I propose that it was open to definition.

The short answer is "I like to be self-defined, so I created my own label." Too often women without children, either by choice or by accepting their circumstance, struggle with society's labels for them. Childless or childfree, or child-free like smoke-free and ozone-free?

When I began this blog, three years ago, I was living out of the country, connected only by phone and the Internet with loved ones and friends. My husband were uprooted and living in Toronto, Canada for two years while he completed his work assignment abroad. Our relationship was in a little Petrie dish of life. It was interesting to see what would grow, including some wonderful friendships. We, as a couple really had to put some thought and effort into making those connections. I established this blog in the relative comfort of that big, world class city that makes it all too easy to be anonymous.

I have to admit, as we transitioned back home, to a small, suburban town with rural roots in Northern California, I was not too keen on being so out of the closet as a Purple Woman. It was my husband's home town after all, and as small as the one I grew up in. "Better to blend in" was my thinking. In reality, that has never been possible for me, almost everywhere I've been. I have instead embraced "not fitting in" as a personal motto.

I have evolved so much in the last five years. This blog was a big part of that emotional journey. And that's just the middle part of my story. Stay tuned!

A Paternal Instinct?

During my research for the Childless by Choice Project, I interviewed partnered and married childless and childfree men and I asked them, "Do you think there is such a thing as a paternal instinct?"

The responses were varied, but to paraphrase the majority of the men I interviewed, the response was: "If there is, I haven’t got it."

Beyond the anecdotel comes evidence from a major study conducted in the U.K. reported by The Daily Telegraph in Australia this past December, in an article titled For Dads, Happiness is No Kids.

Following is the full article:

The patter of tiny feet has long been thought of as the key to happiness. But according to a study, having children makes men less satisfied with their life, while women only enjoy motherhood once their offspring are packed off to school.

Between the ages of three and five, children made mothers less satisfied with life, while being the father of a child under five "significantly reduces"' life satisfaction.

Women with children aged five to 15 were happier than those who did not have children. Even children of school age brought no increase or decrease in happiness for men.

The study, carried out by the Institute for Social & Economic Research in Colchester, England, surveyed nearly 4000 couples between 1996 and 2003.

A caveat: I have not seen the original study. However, this rings true to me, based on my interviews.

What do you think?

Flickr photo by fusionstream (cc) /Technorati Tag: Childfree

The "No Kids" Household

This week Time Magazine published some interesting statistics in a special report titled "America by the Numbers."

According to the stats, there are 31.4 million married couples with no children at home, outnumbering the 24.2 million married couples with children under eighteen. To be clear, the first figure includes empty nesters, but if you add the 8 million single households with no kids, that makes close to forty million U.S. "No Kids" households.

So why is it everytime I turn on the news, the top story is "What can I buy little Johnny for Christmas this year if I can’t buy Chinese toys?" or "What can parents do for a sick child now that cough syrup is not recommended for children under six?"

I guess we know what heads of households with children are doing: Worrying about lead paint and cold remedies.

What are "no kids" households doing? Sleeping peacefully, and longer.

"13 Percent of parents slept with their infants in 2000, up from 5.5 in 1993." According to the Time stats, these kids sleep one hour less each night then kids did 30 years ago.

Whether you sleep well or not usually depends on whom you are sleeping with. Since 67 percent of Americans share their bed with another person or a pet, we may be able to blame our lack of sleep on our baby (both the two-legged and four-legged variety).

Households with no kids are likely to have more disposable income than do households with kids. The latest estimates say it will cost close to 300,000 to raise the average American kid to the age of 17 (college costs excluded). So what are we doing with all that money? Travel, luxury goods?

According to a Canadian study, we are buying books; households without children make 64 percent of new book buys. We are also buying hybrid cars; according to a survey conducted by Vertis Communications, 58 percent of hybrid shoppers are childless/childfree.

But on sleep we can all agree. Of all the childed and unchilded households in the United States, 17 percent spent as much on their mattress than they did on their last vacation.

What’s your sleep number?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Does a Christian Have a Choice?

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to Purple Women^TM

It’s supposed to be every little girl’s greatest hope: to grow up, marry her Prince Charming, buy a nice house in the suburbs, and finally find ultimate fulfillment by becoming a mother. Ah, the American Dream.

And apparently, it’s supposed to be the Christian Dream too – just ask Dr. Albert Mohler, President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and prominent Right-Wing Evangelical commentator. In his popular article on what he calls “deliberate childlessness,” he asserts that,

“The church should insist that the biblical formula calls for adulthood to mean marriage and marriage to mean children.”

Okay…but when it comes to adopting a “biblical formula,” I think it’s wise to actually refer to the Bible and see what the Scriptures have to say.

In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, Paul advises the Church on marriage. He discusses two options – getting married or remaining single. The Bible doesn’t directly address the issue of being married and childfree, because at the time the Scriptures were written, no one could have dreamed it would be possible. After all, reliable birth control didn’t exist. To be married was to have sex, and to have sex was to have children. So when Paul speaks of marriage in verses 25-28, we can assume he is also speaking of parenthood:

“Now I write about people who are not married [don’t have children]…The present time is a time of trouble, so I think it is good for you to stay the way you are…But if you decide to marry [and have children], you have not sinned…But those who marry [and have children] will have trouble in this life, and I want you to be free from trouble.” Hmmm….

Marriage is not the only option, and the ability to remain single is actually a gift from God. And children aren’t a requirement either, since when Paul advises not to marry, he is inherently advising not to have children.

So where would Paul stand on being married and childfree? I would never dare to put words in his mouth or assert my opinion as Biblical Truth. But personally, I know that God uses my husband to help me grow, and that I’m a better person because of him. And I also know that the ministry God has given us as a couple would not exist if we had children, because they would become our priority. We could not invest in others at the level we do today.

Based on Corinthians 7, I think Dr. Mohler’s statement is a bit of a stretch.

I’m certainly no theologian, but I think that when the Bible is vague on an issue, it’s probably best to let God decide how to work it out in individual lives and not assume the responsibility for yourself.

According to Dr. Mohler, the Apostle Paul, who was personally visited by God, was responsible for bringing the Gospel to the Gentiles, and wrote the majority of the New Testament, was "morally rebellious and did not fulfill the responsibilities of adulthood". So who do I believe – Paul or Mohler…Paul or Mohler…?


Technorati Tag: Childfree

3,679

What's in a number? Well, I've just submitted an application to add this blog to the directory called Blogs By Women. This is the number of women-owned blogs we hope to be associated with, plus potentially their readers and whomever they are connected to. That is the beauty of the blogosphere. (I just love that word, don't you?) I am sure there are a few Purple Women^TM among them!

As previously experienced with other directories, it is difficult to determine which category we come under. Which heading would you have selected for our topic of focus on childfree women?

• Family & Parenting
• Feminists & Feminism
• Gender & GBLT
• Sex & Sexuality
• Society & Culture
  

The answer will be revealed in a comment here!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Got Baby?

I was flipping through Self Magazine and came across a "Got Milk?" ad. I’ve seen plenty of these ads featuring celebrities with milk mustaches in magazines and on bus shelters, but this one gave me pause.

It features actress Mariska Hargitay, cradling her son, August. The tag line beside her milky grin reads: "All figured out." The following text starts with: "Motherhood brings fulfillment, and a new focus on getting back in shape." It ends with "Case closed."

I’m sure the last line was meant to reference Hargitay’s current role as a detective on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, but I can’t help but read this and think: here’s another example of what Ellen Peck called corporate "baby sell." Sell babies + sell motherhood = sell milk.

I used to be peeved when advertisers used scantily clad women to sell everything from vodka to cars, now I find my self being similarly annoyed by the glorification and exploitation of babies.

I can imagine the call from Mariska Hartigay’s agent:
Hey, Mariska! Great news! You’re the new milk girl! But there’s a hitch: they want your baby stripped down to his diaper, or no deal.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Child-free or Childfree?

It's a big difference to embrace being childfree as opposed to childless. The terminology draws strong feelings for those who sling these words around with some aplomb. I just finished a book which I simply cannot recommend, unless you are planning to enter academia and focus on gender issues and the status of women. The issue of ‘what do women without children call themselves?’ is raised. This particular author decides that “not-mother” is the most accurate term – er, interestingly.

The reading is dry, and heavily footnoted, if enlightening. Curious to me is the discussion about the term “child-free”. Gentle Reader, you may have noticed that I prefer to squish this word all together. That’s on purpose. But, back to the book for a moment, which is called Unwomanly Conduct: The Challenges of Intentional Childlessness, by Carolyn M. Morell (1994). For Morell, the term child-free presumes a negative attitude towards children. She compares it to “caffeine-free” or “smoke-free” environments – as in wanting to be rid of something bad. The word free can have other connotations, of course.

Which brings me to another book by journalist and humorist Lynne Truss called Eats, Shoots & Leaves: the Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (2003). Much more fun to read. Based on what I learned about the fascinating hyphen, I propose that we leave it out in the name of social change, for the following reasons:

• It is not necessary to avoid an “inelegant word collision, e.g.: “de-ice” and “shell-like”. Childfree squishes together quite well, thank you.


• Childfree is a relatively new word and therefore not categorized as “traditionally required” as in the case of words such as un-American and anti-fill-in-the-blank.


• Fowler’s Modern English Usage (1930) says … “wherever reasonable” the hyphen should be omitted.


• Oxford Dictionary of English (2003) suggests the hyphen is trending the way of the do-do bird.


• House style be damned!

I’d rather split hairs than split a perfectly good word. So, child-free or childfree? If it really is a child-free environment, then hyphenate by all means, but if you’re describing yourself or a friend, leave it out.

Or, we could simply be Purple.


Technorati Tags: childfree child-free