Finding Your Voice

Thought for the day:

“It’s okay to stand out in your field; but God forbid you stand out in the crowd.”

A lot of childfree people I’ve met act this way, myself included. Men certainly don’t want to talk about it. It’s a guy thing mostly. Women just go more naturally to an intimate subject. Blame Oprah, everybody else is. Thank goodness we are not really Purple. If we simply keep our mouths shut, no one will know we are different.

Hmmmmm. Our more vocal of purple contingent wants to know, “Why all the anonymity?” Have we committed a crime? Why are we so apologetic for not being parents?

You may know someone like this. They’ve been on the front lines longer. They are the pioneers of our movement, the ones who found their anger and who faced the music before us. Their anger is their strength. They’ve been online in chat rooms and forums a lot longer than Purple Women™ and they made it easier for us to follow in their childfree footsteps.

Okay, I may be stretching it to call childfree people a “movement”. That truly implies agreement on something, a united front. We are far from that. But we are getting harder to ignore, as the trend to remain childfree is up globally, as evidenced by this week's Newsweek feature story, despite America's burgeoning birth rate. We are not alone and the Internet is here to connect us.

My gosh, people are blogging about it. They are writing books; we’ve reviewed some of them here. Popular media and news outlets are getting curious about what it is to be childfree. They often get it wrong or show only one extreme. There’s only so much you can do within the constraints of a sound bite. We’re controversial, on a personal, social and political level – whether we like it or not.

Might as well learn to talk the talk. How well prepared are you to handle “The Question”? How comfortable would you be if a news person wanted to interview you? I’ve been asking myself the same questions as I write my book.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Culture and the Purple Woman

Now there’s a catchy title. There are such negative, loaded words that have been used to describe women without children: sterile, barren, cursed, unfit, frigid, etc.

I read a story of about an Indian woman’s experience of being childfree by choice in her culture. Indian culture calls childbirth an "issue”. So people were always asking her, “Any issue?” Apparently, this woman’s decision, her choice not to have a child, met much resistance.

I have often wondered what the Quran has to say about the subject of the child-bearing. The closest I've come to an answer is this BBC reference article about Islam's view on contraception. From my Western viewpoint, Islam seems to be very confused about women, their value and their purpose. The world has changed so much since it was translated by their prophet.

Christian and childfree has been explored here. Catholic-based cultures, especially Latina really promote the family and assume a duty to raise children. Where else would future believers come from?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Stuff

When I was in California last month, I picked up the local paper and noticed an ad for Grandma Purple. If you love the color purple, you have got to check this out.

She has created a most amazing collection of everything purple under the sun. Purple Duct Tape is a hot seller, and she has paired it with a The Duct Tape Book (um, it has a purple cover).

I had the opportunity to speak to her by phone last week and we explored ways to collaborate. She is offering readers of this blog a 10% discount on their first purchase, and that includes sale items gals. To take her up on this offer, contact her by email directly as the discount is applied manually. Shipping to places other than the U.S. can be specially arranged.

Mention this blog and you'll also receive your very own Purple Woman! button. Just what you've always wanted, eh?

Grandma Purple says she supports our site and fully believes in a woman's ability and right to choose her own life. She is a proponent of women supporting other women in their endeavours. I think we should all adopt her.

Personally, I am thinking about the Purple Laptop Cover. The Purple Leather Products look divine. Okay, maybe you don't need Purple Daisy Toilet Paper and Tissues, but I think everyone should have a Pie Serving Tool in the shape of a shoe, don't you? You'll find it in the "Not Purple But Fabulous" section. Purple, as we know from the famous poem "Warning" by Jenny Joseph, is a state of mind...and these items qualify as purple through association.

Grandma Purple collaborates with the Purple Store on an adult literacy program. Anyone who purchases a book from their site is also donating to the cause. We can admire her collaborative spirit. Plus, it's a lot of fun.

We all have Grandma Purple to thank!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Fence Sitting

When I was younger, in college mostly, I had very strong points-of-view that I refused to back down from. One too many times I found myself slowly changing my views and if there is one thing I learned for myself at least it's never say never.

I think it's my policy of not ever completely ruling anything out because I'm always changing as a woman and as a person. My whole life I've always had very strong opinions and views but I always question things to make sure I know where I stand.

As a childfree woman I have to admit I'm a "fence sitter" or whatever you want to call it. Given that I'm also in a relationship with a guy who has a daughter I've been questioned many times on whether it's logical to call myself childfree.

For myself right now, today, I do not want children and it's hard to imagine children in my future. When I think of how my life would change if I had a baby, well it's something that makes me really uncomfortable.

Someday down the road I could feel differently and that's why I can't accept the "childfree" label entirely but I know I will always feel very strongly about the concept of Purple Women^TM. I've always felt people should be able to live their lives in a way that feels right for them. I think it's so easy for some to do what society thinks they should do and not what feels right for themselves.

So I will continue my journey and continue to ask lots of questions. I will live my life as a child-free woman until it's something that no longer feels right. I think the concept of being childfree is beautiful, because it finally puts a label on a choice between motherhood and everything else.

Purple Woman in Europe

Guest Contributor: Tanja
alias: Morgaine the soap maker
Switzerland
Morgaine's Soaps

My name's Tanja, I'm 29 years old, single and I live in Switzerland.

Lately, I almost became a bit paranoid - I felt I was being followed around by pregnant women. Seriously, simply walking across Campus at work I encountered at least 5 pregnant women within 15 minutes...
...not to speak of friends who are pregnant or already have kids, but I guess I have now arrived at an age where most people already settled or plan to do so in the near future. And for most people that includes kids. I'm being swamped with stories from old classmates and friends about their kids, pregnancy and of course the inevitable photos.

Don't you just love those re-unions where everyone brags about their life and then the inevitable question,

accompanied by a pitiful glance comes: "And what about you? Married? Children? Oh, you concentrate on your career...Oh, you want to follow your dreams? How cute...", and more pitiful stares follow this statement.

Don't even get me started on my mother and my aunt pestering me about (non-existent) boyfriends and when I plan to bless them with grandchildren. A few years back my mother was so concerned with my not having a steady boyfriend that she asked me if I was gay. Not that anything would be wrong with that, mind you! (We're being politically correct, right?) But I could see the tremendous relief when I assured her that I prefer a man in my bed to a woman.

Repeat after me slowly: I - do - not - want - any - kids.

My reasons are simple and mostly selfish. First, I'm not too fond of children. (I'm definitely an animal person...) I can spend an afternoon with them if they have a certain age, but I'll happily return them to their parents in the evening. Babies and toddlers are not for me. It's beyond me why people bring in their newborn babies to work to show them off and 98% of the female employees and 90% of the males go ga-ga over them. I spent an afternoon in the city with an old friend of mine and her 1 year old son. It was absolutely impossible to have a conversation, because the little guy could not keep quiet.

Another, and I suppose popular, reason is that I'm scared of giving birth. I do not plan to go through 9 months of feeling miserable and then pressing a human being the size of a basketball out of my vagina. I'll have to raise it, go through all the shit and worse I put my parents through with it and then being stuck with it for the rest of my life. C'mon, it's not just 18 years, (being a parent is a life-long task). I plan to evade the curse of all parents: Asking themselves at one point or the other what on earth they did wrong and if they failed miserably.

I love my independency too much to give it up. (Hey, I even have issues putting up with a partner!) I have dreams, I have plans that include immigrating to the US and starting a new life. I'm not willing to do that with a child. I'm not even sure I want to do it with a partner.

Egotistical? Yes, definitely. But why should I lead a life that complies with what society dictates if it's not what I want? After all, my ultimate goal is being happy - for me, this does not include children.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

U.S. Republicans Winning the Baby War

A segment on Good Morning America this morning exposed the baby gap between Democrats and Republicans. Apparently, Republicans are having significantly more babies than Democrats and the natalist tendencies of Republicans may tip the balance of power for decades to come unless Democrats step up to the plate and have more kids.

Looking back on the 2004 election, The American Conservative contributor Steven Sailer noted in his article Baby Gap :

"…voters are picking their parties based on differing approaches to the most fundamentally important human activity: having babies. The white people in Republican-voting regions consistently have more children than the white people in Democratic-voting regions. The more kids whites have, the more pro-Bush they get."

Why?

R. Albert Mohler, Jr., president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary writing for the Christian Post came to the conclusion that "the responsibilities, experiences, and disciplines of parenthood--along with a parent's obvious concern for the future--tend to move child-rearing voters to the right."

Apparently if you are white and American, the more kids you have the more likely you are to vote for Republican candidates.

A Democrat featured in the Good Morning America segment urges her fellow Democrats to make babies so that we can close the gap. The rationale being that we tend to vote how our parents vote.

With all the other pressures of being a parent, now you’re being asked to vote with your womb??

Another reason I’m happy to be a childfree independent.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Social Network: Part 2

A friendship can suffer when one friend becomes a parent and not the other, just as the single friend laments the (real or imagined) loss of a friend when that friend gets married. They simply don’t have as much in common, or as much time to give to each other. Not always, but in many cases.

Parents meet and become friends with other parents. It’s a build-in social circle. If you’re not careful you will find your fine childfree self going through a lonely stretch from your late 20s to your late 30s. That’s exactly what happened to me, and it took me a while to realize it (and no, I am not prone to sleep-walking).

As a childfree adult, we are perceived as having a lot more “peace and quiet” in our lives and more time for “fill-in-the-blank”. I propose that we get out in the community and prove it!

If you’re child-friendly, you may want to consider becoming a Big Sister, as LauraS shared with us in this post. Volunteering is a great way to be a part of a community, much like going to church, only without the dogma. All you have to believe in is the worthiness of the mission. Volunteers are treasured assets to the communities and the organizations they serve. Nothing feels better than to give of yourself. Here are two organizations that can help connect you to the right organization in your local community and in the world:

VolunteerMatch
Idealist

Having a strong social network requires action. I chose not to participate in any religious circles, yet church can lend great community benefits. The difficulties of being Christian and Childfree have been explored here thanks to Twiga. It is not the path of least resistance; however, for some, it is their rock.

Whether it is work or the good game of golf, your pursuits will lead you to friendships - often the closest ones. Heck, they can even lead you to your childfree soul mate! Perhaps a less obvious approach is to join a social club of like-minded individuals. Could be your local outdoor club, a birding club, or a knitting circle or a book club,...

…or consider joining a social club for adults without children like No Kidding! the international organization, which hosts the Child-free Festival each year. The festival is a great excuse to travel and meet other like-minded individuals. If there isn’t one in your area, you can always start one.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Project Update: What's Next?

September will be the one-year anniversary of this site. I’ve been asking myself “What’s next, what is it that I want to accomplish?”

I propose the following goals and action items for Purple Women™ & Friends as we move forward:

Goal #1 Accurate portrayals of what it is to be childfree in popular media and the news.

Action item(s): Reviews on books (fiction and nonfiction) and movies and media coverage about the childfree; possible letter writing/email campaign to producers and studios. Develop capability and a network of media-ready, interview candidates who are childfree people, starting with me.

Goal #2 Inclusion of the childfree in women-centric circles and related political discussions. Let’s not raise our voices, let’s project and participate. Become a “mentionable” resource for journalists and editors.

Action item(s): Connect to other women-centric bloggers and websites, and other childfree websites that are on the level and professionally presented. Publish a book and continue to build a readership for the blog. Blog well and often.

Goal #3 Represent diversity in voice and perspective among the childfree.

Action item(s): Encourage Guest Contributors, including men and parents who are interested in writing on our topic; recruit blog team members (regular Contributors) from readership and Guest Contributors. Research what’s happening in headlines globally and report on the trends, BBC, CBC, Australia and mainland Europe, the blogosphere in general.

Goal #4 Fun and Factual. It’s a delicate balance between informative and entertaining, and I am open to your ideas on how to do it better.

Action item(s): Please email Teri with your ideas. Tell me what topics and types of posts you liked best and what you’d like to see more of.

By all means, tell me if you’re interested in contributing an article from your own unique perspective!

Technorati Tag: Childfree