Purple is the New Black

Purple Women^TM -- we're in style!

The Color Purple: Fall's Bright New Idea, Associated Press

Technorati Tag: Childfree

On Stage in San Francisco

I was contacted by the promoter of a play making its "world premier" at the Magic Theatre (yes, that's the way they spell it) in San Francisco. For you locals, it's located at the Fort Mason Center. I love theater (American spelling). I am excited to have a chance to see how being childfree is portrayed on stage. Please support the endeavor by attending if you are in town for the show dates.

Here's a synopsis:

The Crowd You’re In With
by Rebecca Gilman
Nov 10 – Dec 9.
The setting is a backyard BBQ and offers a close look at modern families, friendship and whether two people in love might just be enough. It attempts to tackle the question of what family really means and why having children is a big deal for some and not for others.

Ms. Gilman is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated playwright with a long history here at the Magic, so she approaches the story of these two young couples with incredible insight and humor. It is a very enjoyable and accessible play dealing with an issue that I know is dear to you and your constituency.

"It would be wonderful if you could pass the word along to your friends and any local No Kidding groups. I would be happy to mail out some postcards or send an HTML email with more information."

Tell a Purple Woman!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

By My Own Clock

I was grocery shopping at 7:30 p.m. The lines are very short then. At 10:15 p.m. I am still putting the finishing touches on the soup for my Chick Flick get together for tomorrow night. I am making Cream of Mushroom and Wild Rice Soup, and plan to serve it with salad and tomato- cheese pizza (delivered of course -- it is a work night).

I plan to let the gals select from the three movies I have in house from Netflix: Aliens director's cut with Sigourney Weaver, Notes on a Scandal with Cate Blanchett and Dame Judi Dench, and Premonition with Sandra Bullock. Secretly (well, not if I blog about it here, I hope they pick Aliens...I've always wanted to drive a fork lift!)

I love being a Purple Woman!

Flickr photo by The Consumerist (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Family Reunion

It felt good to openly discuss my status as a Purple Woman at a family gathering today. In the same conversation, I mentioned that most of Tom's family probably assumes that my influence or malfunction was the reason for us not raising children. I don't think they really know that he has always been more sure about being childfree than me. I really caught his mother by surprise once when I asked her, "Why do you think Tom didn't want to have kids?"

We attended a family reunion on my husband's side of our family today. My mother-in-law passed away last year, so she was represented in her progeny and in story only. It was a glorious sunny day on Angel Island, not a wisp of fog that had plagued the previous day. We all felt so lucky to have this perfect day together on the San Francisco Bay. All my husband's cousins and siblings, minus a few key spouses and nieces and nephews, were there. It was a big crowd as Catholic family reunions tend to be. To my surprise, it was our openly gay cousin who asked me "The Question" at the reunion:

"So when are you and Tom having kids?"

I know what Tom's reaction would have been, had he been within earshot. He, at age 49, feels he is well past the point of embarking on such an enterprise. I know this cousin and his partner pretty well, so I simply said,

"Why would I want to do that?!"

We shared a good laugh and he said, "Yeah, me too!" He admitted to being perfectly happy that others in his family are procreating. Without my prompting, he acknowledged that for women, child rearing and bearing, is an integral identity issue that does not exist for men.

I loved hearing one of my favorite terms of endearment being called out all day "Aunt Teri this", "Aunt Teri that". I love being "Aunt Teri". It is my privilege to be a connected to the next generation, to support their parents by being present at holidays and gatherings. To think of them on their birthdays. To be the person they can ask "fill-in-the-blank" as they get older and the world gets more complicated. Aunt Teri and Uncle Tom show them by example that they have choices ahead of them, and that there are all sorts of lifestyles within one big happy family.

Photo of the last family reunion Teri's mother-in-law attended. She is in the center front.
Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Next Generation

I recently attended my nephew’s wedding, in Paris. It was a wonderful celebration. The eldest son of three boys, born in Scotland but now living in London, marries an English girl living in Paris. For three years they had nurtured a relationship, connecting by cell-phone, email, and weekend trips under and over the English Channel. We called it the Eurostar romance, named after the train that carried my nephew though the "chunnel," the train tunnel that ferries passengers under the channel between England and France.

Close to a year ago, my nephew called me with the news. He would marry, finally, just before his 34th birthday. I was thrilled, of course. I had met his girlfriend at his younger brother’s wedding and I thought they made a great pair. He also gave me some other news. He told me that they would likely continue to keep separate residences as neither could figure out a way to transfer their jobs, and he also told me that they didn’t plan on having kids.

I realized he divulged this last bit of information because he knew his uncle and aunt had made the same choice. I had never considered that I might be a kind of "role model" for the next generation. I wasn’t in the habit of announcing my childfree status to relatives; most of them had figured it out on their own. But I did wonder: Did we somehow influence their decision making?

I didn’t think so. At most, we were the odd couple who lived a childfree life in America and seemed happy. They had come to the decision on their own, during the intimate conversations couples have when they imagine a life together and what that would look and feel like.

I was right. A week before the wedding, as I getting ready to pack, my nephew called me from London, wanting to know when would arrive in Paris. We talked about the schedule, what people would wear (kilts or suits?) and which relatives would be there. He told me that he had suggested that his friends leave the kids at home, that the wedding reception was intended to be "sans enfants."

So I was surprised to see a small child at the reception. It was the child of one of his best friends, a cute blond toddler in an oversized kilt, who was seated at the end of our table. All went well until the child started fussing loudly while the bride’s father was making a speech.

My focus was on the head table. The father continued with his speech, but the bride was clearly not amused at the interruption, or the noise. Fixing her eyes on the little boy, her expression looked like something between migraine and exorcism.

It was the face of someone who might be inclined to choose, for herself, a life "sans enfants." I must admit, at that moment, I felt both relief and empathy.

Flickr photo by austinevan (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Happy Purple Monday

Woooooooo -- Hoo!!! It was so awesome, to use a surfer term, to receive this cool comment on the recent blog post titled Top Ten Tips on how to survive the question, "Do you have kids?":

I think that the more comfortable I am with my choice, the less this question bothers me.

People will always make assumptions and ask the same social questions that we all ask. What about them cowboys in last night game or what about the weather.

They are just trying to make a connection and children seem to be the easy glue.

I am a teacher, and most assume that I would have children, and I am asked this on a daily basis by everyone. My answer," No I do not" is my simple and direct reply.

It is nice, no extra tone --- nothing. It stops people dead cold. I smile and the conversation goes another direction.

They are caught off guard-- that I don't have an excuse or a reason, and don't imply any sort of tone. It works great. I think lack of tone keeps them from thinking they can attack, because they never do.

I also get this from kids on a daily basis. I work with teens, and I love them. I love everything about teens, but I am happy at the end of the day not to have one at home.

They ask me, both male and female, "Do you not have kids?" I add more to my normal punch line, [my reply] changes with my mood, but it might go something like this:

'Nope. Love teens, but you guys are enough to handle -- don't want a house-full!'

They laugh and get the point better than most adults. Or I might say, nope I have other interests and I am happy with my choice. Some times if its a girl she might add that she would like not to be a mom, and I encourage her to do what is best for her.

I am a walking, living example to everyone that the choice to not have my own children is just fine. I live a more than active lifem: work, husband, extended family, full time graduate school, and Phd research.

So the next time some asks, maybe just smile...

...and know they really deep inside wish they had the courage to find what they really wanted before they fell in line with the tribal drum beat of "have kids or your life is over."

I say, "Bring it on!" and "Ask me all you want," I have all the answers to make your head spin. I am a Purple Woman you see!"

Teri says: Thank you for this gift oh Anonymous Purple Woman. This is a great way to start our week!

Artwork by Henri Matisse (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Wouldn't Change a Thing…

Ask any new parent how their life has changed now that they have a child and you will get an earful. Some changes are perceived as positive, some are perceived as negative, but all parents will admit that life with kids is, at the least, different.

A woman named Vicki emailed me through the Childless by Choice Project website to share her story and pose a question. Like many Purple Women ™, Vicki never felt a longing to have children but assumed that, by her mid-thirties, she would "have a sudden desire to have children."

It didn't happen. Now thirty-five and happily married, Vicki and her husband have decided to remain childfree.

So she wrote: "Here's a question that I want to pose... The statement "having a baby changes EVERYTHING" couldn't be more true... So what if you're completely happy and content with your life and don't want to change a thing?...

Technorati Tag: Childfree

My Purple Identity

Some Purple Women^TM are single. Some Purple Women^TM are married. Some will marry a man who already has children from a previous union. Yes, women who are step-parents strongly identify as childfree. That's something I have learned along my purple journey these last two years.

No matter what your marital status, single or married --- (BTW, why do they ask if you've ever been Divorced on these doctor's office forms? It's none of their damn businesses. Please tell them so) -- I say we are Purple.

Am I childless, child-free or childfree? Depends on who you ask. Personally, I choose to define myself. I am Purple, and sometimes that's hard to define.


Technorati Tag: Childfree