Other People's Children

In childfree circles Other People’s Children, or OPC, is sometimes used to refer to the progeny of parents, often in a negative way. For example: A perfectly good meal can be ruined by OPC.

However, I’m a people watcher. Imagine the fun I would miss if I weren’t surrounded by children in many of the public spaces I frequent.

For example, I was sitting in the Buffalo airport recently watching families load their kids on planes. I was amazed at all the stuff parents have to bring: car seats, stroller, diaper bags, blankies, the treasured stuffed animals, the snacks, and the sippy cups. Getting these kids onboard can be like herding cats onto the arc, so US Airways gives priority boarding to people with children.

Do I resent that parents are invited to load first? Absolutely, not. I want them to get the extra time they need to get seated, strapped in, reassured, and comforted with toys and goodies. Because I have to share a plane with them.

Happy kids are fun to fly with. They laugh, they remind us how wonderfully awesome clouds are, and sometimes they make honest, and hilarious, observations about things adults don’t like to talk about. Like what happens when the toilet flushes—where does it go?

On the other hand, unhappy kids are not fun to fly with.

On the trip to Buffalo, I shared a row with a man and his son. Fifteen minutes into the flight his seat was being kicked by the child seated behind him. He very politely, but sternly, requested “Please, could you stop kicking the seat.” The child stopped but then started up again about five minutes later. Again the man asked, quite a bit louder this time,“Would you stop kicking the seat, please? “ I was surprised that the parent accompanying the child behind us didn’t disapline her child, but the child did stop kicking.

I thought, “Wow, it worked.” Later, he offered a snack to the child behind us, the former offender. Very charitable, I thought. Then he started talking to the woman seated behind me. Clearly they were married. The kid who was kicking the seat was his son.

Hmmmm. Could it be that parents are just as annoyed by their kid’s behavior as non-parents are? I watched this man clean up after in-flight snacks. The cups was emptied and dryed with the napkin. The slightly damp napkin was used to sweep up stray pretzel crumbs off the trays. I began to suspect this man liked his surroundings to be kept neat and tidy. Yet with two young boys, I doubted they were.

Childfree people have an enviable automomy. We lead relatively self-directed lives. We don’t have to worry how a child’s behavior might reflect on us, or how we will manage to clean up the messes, or get two kids and all their stuff cross country. We can avoid OPC if we want to. Parents don’t have that luxury.

Yet, this guy appeared pretty happy with his lot. We chatted. I found out he was on vacation with his family, flying to Western New York. He was headed for Cooperstown, NY, home of the National Baseball Hall of Fame, to attend a softball tournament and cheer on his son’s team. Every father’s dream…

So I was left thinking, “These are the joys of parenthood. This is what makes up for the all the hardships, worries, kicked seats.” Perhaps that is why the childfree occasionally complain about other people’s children. We get the inconveniences but without the benefits.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meltdown on Aisle Five

You know the topic: Other People's Children (OPC). We've blogged about this before, but on a limited, non-rant basis. That's a hallmark of Purple Women^TM, to avoid base ranting at the possible cost of being a little boring. It serves no purpose, except for commiserating. Still, it has earned a spot in our topic list, and the topic is unavoidable. The subject of OPC is easy fodder. Here's another take.

I stumbled upon a relatively new childfree blog yesterday. (The more the better. Our topic doesn't get enough accurate exposure in the mainstream media, so we make up for it in the blogosphere.) The front page post was a typical rant complaining about OPC in public spaces. Get used to it, kids have a right to exist and parents cannot control every move an offspring makes. There's lots of advice out there to help parents manage their tots, but even if they follow all that well-meaning advice, it still may not work. As one tipster offered, "shop when kids are in school or at home eating dinner"!

I recently got to try my hand at substitute teaching. The school year is over now and I am trying to decide whether or not to go back to it in the fall. I had one special education class that I will never forget. These poor kids couldn't even sit still. All of them were medicated. Pill-popping is our society's solution to the problem.

The kids you see acting up at the mall up may not be controllable without medication. I've seen it up close and personal. Some families try hard to avoid that solution. There are examples within my own family. I think we childfree make a huge assumption that parents can control their kids. Perhaps some are just not equipped with the right skill set, but consider that the deck may be stacked against them. It scares me a little to go down this line of thinking. Is our environment so toxic that our children are sick?

The special ed class I subbed for was so tough, I was compelled to go to the library to read up on it. The diagnoses of autism have increased dramatically in the last decade or so. It is a whole continuum of degrees of illness. Some autistic people are highly functioning, but they do not relate to the world in the same way. There is a lot of speculation about autism being linked to mercury. I hope there is a lot more research done in this area, because I believe our society needs to make some fundamental changes and reverse this trend. In the meantime, eat organic, and let's do what we can to support these challenged parents. We are not qualified to make the diagnosis, nor is it our place to discipline someone else's child. Parents do the best they can, just as our own did. All we can offer them is our patience and a little understanding.

Flickr photo by sean_alexander (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Life Like Art, Like Blog

I was recently reconnected with an old friend, a former neighbor from when I live in the City. That's San Francisco for all of you who do not live in my big city proximity area. Bay Area locals simply call it the City, never Frisco. My friend is an artist and a Purple Women^TM and we spent the day at SFMOMA together. I was her art buddy for the day.

Our Purple adventure began on a Monday night, with an overnight, as my friend lives some hour and a half more remote than we do, in a straw bale house with four wells and solar panels -- no Internet, something we couldn't do without. After turning down a sub job and breakfast, we bundled up and headed for the BART station. We had to chant the parking karma chant several times before we got lucky in the back 40, nearly a 10-minute walk back to the station.

A nine dollars and fifty cent roundtrip later, plus one dollar for parking, we were rewarded for our efforts by not having to find parking in the City, and a museum discount of $2.50 on the special exhibit when we showed our BART pass. I had no idea what we were in for, or even which museum we were headed for; just a willing participant in my friend's good hands. We saw the Picasso & American Art exhibit and got a feeling for what a stir he created and why in the art world with cubism. It was interesting to see the other artists of his time whose art was on display beside his. What caught my eye most was the fourth floor exhibit, the huge monotone "study in color" work of Bruce Marden. His work is the kind that most people think of when you say modern art and think, "I don't get it".

We may all start with a decision or circumstance which results in our common status as childfree adults, but where you go from there depends entirely on what interests you. Life, like art, like blog?

There were lots of seniors and students exercising their discount mid-week, and us, two forty-something childfree women. The seniors were congregating around Picasso and his cohorts. The students would stare for ever at the big work of Marden. Not being an artist myself, I was probably paying attention to all the wrong things. Then my friend would reel me back in with a comment about technique and art history, which made the experience a little more educational.

One piece in Marden's The Muses series stood out for me. It was a rather organic looking piece of connecting green-hued lines, achieving a three dimensional look to it. One could almost imaging vines intertwined, passing, looping, connecting. I thought of journeys, a highway possibly, or more esoterically, the paths we chose in life. The piece was one of his largest works of art, at least eight feet tall and eighteen across. I sat there and stared at it a long time.

I concluded that this particular artwork was like this blog. It doesn't matter where you begin, what day you discover us, the journey will be uniquely yours, even though you may be visiting some of the same places. As you navigate, some topics may seem familiar, posts of a similar vein will be encountered. We may all start with a decision or circumstance which results in our common status as childfree adults, but where you go from there depends entirely on what interests you. Life, like art, like blog?

Alas, I could not post a picture of it here, no pictures are allowed in the museum. You'll just have to visit it for yourself and tell us what you think!

Flickr photo by kwei

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Ouch! That Hurts

No big surprise. There has been some negative feedback to the article that ran in the San Francisco Chronicle last Sunday. Last night, I met Valerie Francescato, our new Purple poster girl, who was featured in the story. She coordinates a childfree social group using the MeetUp software (at her own expense, it's not free to use the software). My husband and I wanted to meet her and she was hosting an outing in the City last night, so we went. Lots of topics came up, and there was a lot of buzz about the recent article.

Almost everybody liked it; however, a conservative Republican blog has taken exception to the lifestyle we represent. Apparently, the photo of Valerie holding her cat in the her kitchen was lifted, (not sure that doesn't infringe on the publisher's copyright), re-posted on this site and a string of mean-spirited comments ensued.

What alerted Valerie was that fellow MeetUp organizer said he had to de-list from her MeetUp group because it was doing weird things to his own site's stats. Well, this peaked her curiosity, so she had to investigate. She Googled her name.

We know that like the man from Texas, who was quoted by Laura L. Shawne (author of Baby Not on Board) in the article,...

"I did a lot of radio call-in shows where I was called a lot of names," she said. "One man in Beaumont, Texas said my husband and I deserved to die alone."

...not everyone approves of our choice to remain childfree, regardless of our reason for being so. I feel sorry for the infertile couples who come up against this attitude in real life. I guess after they tell their story and clarify that they are really "child-less" they get sympathy, or pity, not anger.

Not sure which is better. See for yourself at FreeRepublic.com: mean comments that won't be repeated here. We've got rules in the side bar!

The photojournalist came to my home too, took similar pictures of me holding my cat. Now I am glad they weren't published. (Probably because I don't live in the city proper.)

Purple Women^TM what say you?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

"Good" Parent?

I have often been told I would make a good parent. Most of the people who have told me so knew I was childfree. Maybe it’s because I enjoy older kids. Maybe it’s because I’ve learned a few things mentoring teens. Maybe it’s because I care about what happens to kids, and can appreciate the challenges they face.

Yesterday, I was the speaker at a women’s writing group talking about my childfree research project. I was telling them that many of the childfree people I interviewed had thought a great deal about the pros and cons of parenthood prior to making the decision to remain childfree. In some cases, couples had actually sat down and made a list of the downsides and the upsides.

One of the attendees, a parent, commented that she thought that a person who engaged in that kind of thoughtful process would make a good parent because they would have gone into it eyes wide open. I didn’t say it, but I thought, "But there would be one thing missing there, and that would be desire."

For me, desire is the HUGE missing element. If I had a burning desire to have a kid, I would probably overlook all the cons on my list. So what, I lose sleep, I’m stressed all the time, the kids disrespect me, call me names, hate me for a couple years. Who cares? I would rationalize or minimize the risks, the downsides, because I really want a child. I might even subject my body and my wallet to expensive and invasive fertility treatments if I had trouble concieving.

But I didn’t, and I don’t.

I don’t want a child, and that takes me out of the pool of desirable parents, in my way of thinking. I don’t have the desire, the "joy of parenthood" vision, the dreams of grandkids, the need to birth and nurture a child to sustain me through the "con" list.

Would I be a "good" parent? Perhaps, on paper. But, probably not a happy one.

God help the children.

[Photo originally uploaded to Flickr on April 11, 2006 by MichelleBlack.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Hate or Humor?

"There are so many kids to hate, and so little time."

This from the introduction of Adrienne Frost’s book I Hate Other People’s Kids. Simon Spotlight Entertainment published this book back in 2006. And, yes, it clearly falls into the category of entertainment. Frost is a comedian, and in this case her acerbic humor is directed at kids…other people’s kids. Since she’s childfree, I guess that means all kids.

Much of the book is a laundry list of the ways kids spoil perfect adult fun and suggestions on how you might deal with the little devils and their "Babyoid" parents.

The humor is of the stand-up variety, crude and over-the-top, but occassionally Frost hits the target with observations rooted in truths. "Have you met my vagina?" is the heading of a paragraph on being subjected to birthing videos. Frost suggests ways in which you can "exact your revenge" on parents who attempt to draw you into their gruesome placenta world by suggesting you "laminate your pap smear and put it on the fridge. Pop in the video of you passing that stubborn kidney stone."

Her stated goal is to liberate us all, non-parents and parents alike, from the secret guilt of hating other people’s kids, but like other recent books of this ilk, the gleefully mean-spirited approach gives credence to the assumption that the childfree are so because we hate kids. That would be okay it if were true but my research shows that dislike of kids is nowhere near the most compelling motive to remain childfree.

Sure, kids are sometimes annoying, messy, and loud, which is why I try to avoid being seated near small children in my favorite restaurants. On the rare date night, many parents do the same.

Which is why my favorite line in Frost’s book is:

"And they say Jesus loved the little children, all the children of the world, but he never had to dine with one. He chose the lepers."

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Settings

By AlphaGirl, Guest Contributor
Blog Author: Childfree: Uncut. Unedited. Uncensored.

I have always been aware of and sensitive to my environment and setting. As a child, my friends and I would build forts and tree houses, where we would role-play, draw, read or just hang out away from adults. We all loved the way the setting and the environment supported us as we made our way in the world. It was our retreat, hideaway, gathering spot, and its walls held many of our stories and secrets. As adults, my friends and I have turned our individual homes and apartments into our own sanctuaries.

As human beings, we all want to create environments and settings that support who we are now, as well as who we want to become.

The office space decorated with personal items to remind us of life outside of work, the personal items in our cars that turn it from an impersonal vehicle to our very own sweet ride, the home our apartment decorated to meet our individual needs for noise level, light, and activity.

Let’s look at some other environments that are not of our making. The waiting room at the Dr.’s or OB-GYN’s office. Our neighborhood or townhouse/condo/apartment complex. Our favorite food joint. The waiting area and consult room at the shrink’s office. What are the messages that are conveyed in these environments? Are they welcoming, judgmental, neutral, or ambiguous? Specifically, what do these and other settings say to you as a childfree person? Are you welcome there, or do you find yourself wondering what the heck you’re doing there, and wondering whether or not you are “seen” in that environment.

Two personal examples: A friend of mine switched OB-GYN’s after many years of seeing the same doctor. She got fed up with the cradle-laden, baby-photo decorated waiting room and exam rooms. D was childfree before the term was invented, and she got sick of the very pro-baby messages in that setting. She saw her OB-GYN quite a lot for various health problems, so her alienation was understandable. She also wondered how a childless woman would feel in that setting. “Do we not count?” D asked me one night on the phone.

I had scheduled a series of counseling appointments after being knocked silly by a string of personal setbacks. The counselor was competent enough, but the consult rooms at the counseling center were decorated like a child’s bedroom: Toys, blocks, rocking chairs, teddy bears, dollhouse figurines, and stuffed animals. I half-expected a pig-tailed, shrill little girl to burst through the door at any moment and demand that I get out of her room! “No grown-ups allowed!” The setting’s message was quite clear. I just could not get comfortable there; I don’t particularly enjoy being in child-centric settings anyway, (Well, OK ….not at all) but especially not while airing my dirty laundry. So I reached for my bootstraps and beat it out of there. I did, of course, explain my trepidations before leaving.

What settings do you find yourself in?

Are you comfortable there?

What steps are you willing to take to make sure your environment supports you in living a full, happy, childfree life?

Technorati Tag: Childfree