Step-Parenting: Tastes Great - Less Filling

Guest Post
by Jules
Canadian Telecom Consultant
Blogs: North of the 49th, Floobergeist

Childfreedom wasn't thrust upon me, and yet, I didn't take up the mantle myself all-at-once. It was a gradual process.

As priorities changed, perceptions changed, and careers changed. As I grew up and became more self aware, I began to realize the pieces of my life that were critical; and those that weren't were slowly shuffled to the back of the closet. Having my own children: Not Critical. Participating in a child's life: Important.

At the same time that I realized that I was a child-freebie, I fell in love with a man who had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I squinted, I wrinkled my forehead in concentration, and I pictured myself in their lives. And it looked good. I could maintain the lifestyle I had built and the freedom I cherished, and add on a new dimension. I didn't need or want to go through the "baby-mother-delivery-give-up-everything, risk your marriage and your personal livelihood to procreate" process, and yet the idea of having a permanent relationship with children wasn't unappealing.

Fast forward 4 years: Every other weekends and every Wednesday night. I get a good, healthy dose of kiddos for 125 hours a month, in bite size pieces. I'm not really a step-mom, although the girls identify with that term more than I do. They're at a stage where everyone needs a label.

I'm just Jules. I'm the one who doesn't need to keep things equal, and the one who's allowed to have favourites.

Who doesn't crumble at the sight of small tears, who tells you to suck it up and get over it. I don't have to be the one who gets up at 3 am, unless I want to. I'm the one who's objective, and plays the devil's advocate. I'm the one who stresses independence and encourages creativity.

Playdates FREAK ME OUT. I involve myself in activities as *I* choose, or not. My goal is to influence, open doors, create opportunities for the girls to experience things they wouldn't normally experience with their parents. I'm their portal into the unexplored. I play on *my* terms, and sometimes not-at-all.

People ask me all the time: "when are you going to have your *own* children?"

My answer: "I'm quite pleased with the children I've got right now, thanks."

Their dad is just that: their DAD.

(cc)Flickr photo by Lorrie McClanahan
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Fare Thee Well

The voices of 16 Purple Women^TM and a few Purple Men have been featured on this blog since it's inception on September 2, 2005, including eight regular contributors and dozen or so Guest Contributors.

This blog has connected you to two very unique Purple Women^TM, Debi Martin, who blogs as Twiga92, and Robin. They have taken their leave from us as Regular Contributors, but you can keep in touch with them on their personal blogs (invitation only in the case of Ms. Robin) and dialogue with them here as I am sure they will be keeping in touch, possibly sending in a burning Guest Post from the front lines from time to time.

Three cheers for Twiga (means: giraffe in Swahili) who joined us in March 2006. She has been a contributor with us for an entire year, publishing 23 posts from a childfree Christian perspective. Debi grew up overseas as a missionary kid, born in Asia and graduating from high school in Kenya. She is married, has two cats, and loves books, scrapbooking and the occasional geo-cache adventure, all of which she continues to blog about prolifically on her four other blogs. One of her best posts for Purple Women & Friends, if best can be measured by the number of heart-felt comments, was her post titled: Being Christian and Childfree on May 25, 2006. Thank you Miss Twiga for the contributions you made this past year in our childfree space.

Also, thanks and best wishes to Robin (a.k.a. hismuse on MyBlogLog), our youngest contributor and a blushing bride about to become a Purple step-parent. Robin made a big impact in just six months with our team, contributing fourteen posts and generating quite a few comments in that short period. She truly came with her own blog posse as she was already an avid blogger contributing on more than one team blog when she joined us. Her post with the most comments was Fence Sitting published on August 25, 2006. A mother of two furkids, and a non-practicing Jew, you can keep up with Robin on her personal blog: The Road Less Unraveled, powered by WordPress. Thank you Robin, and congratulations on your engagement!

You can find the volume of posts contributed by these two ladies by clicking on their name under the Label section in the sidebar. If you're new to this blog, they'll still be fresh as a daisy.

Well done ladies! Keep on blogging!

On that note, if you are interested in contributing a Guest Post, or considering a longer term assignment with us, please send Teri an email. We have a few openings.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree With Child Support

I believe a lot of my feelings about being childfree came to surface when I met my boyfriend and along with it came all issues relating to his daughter. Here I was, not wanting children, but my whole life was constantly being uprooted because of his.

Can you imagine not actually having a child in your life but being financially obligated to one? Can you imagine having no say on the upbringing of a child but having to pay partially for the outcomes? Can you imagine having to put important things in your life on hold because the child requires an uninsured medical expenses?

Of course not, because any childfree woman in her right mind would never get involved with a guy who has kids from a previous relationship. If you think it's bad being a mother, being a stepmother comes with a whole new level of stress (so I've been told by stepmothers I know).

I can't tell you how often stepmothers have told me I should count my blessings that I don't have to be an active stepmother, because it rarely seems worth the effort. On the other hand I have been told that since I don't want to be a mother it is destructive to be in a position where I could be a stepmother.

But of course, while I don't believe I ever want children of my own it has always been important to me to have a loving and supportive relationship with a man. I even now believe marriage can be a good thing, if it's the right people. My relationship comes with baggage. What relationship doesn't? It's a struggle to find a way to deal with it but I put in the effort because so far it's been worth it.

I suppose we all have to make sacrifices in life, it's just that sometimes I wish I felt like my sacrifices helped more or were even appreciated.

Technorati Tag: Childfree Child Support Step-parent Stepmother

Purple Men

First, an overdue apology. I’ve had an attack of blogger’s conscience. In creating this space, this opportunity to join in an online community of childfree women, I have intentionally excluded two groups: people with kids (yes, that includes step-parents with responsibility for step-kids), and more gender specifically, men. My apologies to the Purple Men™ out there. What pains me even more is that I may be inadvertently digging a deeper hold for childfree women in my need to give us a new label, when I am really trying to build a bridge between us and families that include parents (that’s everybody else folks). Why is adult childfree status so often colored as a women’s issue?

Perhaps it is because even in our modern day families, blended or not, men are technically childfree, given the amount of child-rearing duties that fall to the women in these scenarios. “He said he would help change the diapers”, but did it really work out that way? It goes the same for household chores, in most cases. Here I have to say I have had personal affiliation with an exception. My first husband was the best house-keeper a woman could every marry. (He used to call me “piglet” – and I am really not that bad.) I may have to read more Naomi Wolf to really understand this gender discrepancy issue. Can you say double-standard?

Or perhaps it’s because women bear the impending child for 9 months (I will side-step the issue of when it becomes a child – that’s another blog), and physically brings forth a new person into this world? I just love the commercial that is currently airing where a young, we assume married, couple are eating a “dreamy” ice cream bar together, she being obviously well into her (or should I say their) pregnancy. The scene cuts to him in a day dream about I-don’t-remember-what, then we view her day dream about him on a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and a nurse. His legs are spread wide apart and he is bearing down with tremendous effort and pain trying to give birth to their child as he turns to his wife and yells accusingly, “You did this to me!” Funny, ha, ha. I bet we’d have a lot more openly childfree men if the tables were turned for real.

The first category of visibly, out-in-the-open, childfree men that comes to mind are men of faith – er, the leadership class of them that is. Men of the cloth, until recently, have been held in high esteem for their sacrifice and devotions, as demonstrated in their supposed celibacy. I will go out on a limb here to say that I think suppressing a natural human urge has created some very unnatural and damaging consequences for the very people they are supposed to be nurturing. Wouldn’t it be a whole lot better if we approached the concept of sexuality and family in a more open and accepting manner? Why should one person’s definition of family be right for everyone? Why should celibacy be forced upon the leaders of the faithful? It seems to me they could counsel more wisely if they actually walked in the shoes of their followers. But who am I to say? I am merely an interested observer.

Another stereotype of a childfree man is the perpetual bachelor. Think of the playboys of the world, or of their Hollywood counterparts. Think of the character played by Pierce Brosnan in the 1999 remake of the 1968 classic The Thomas Crown Affair. (Can I just say here that I love this movie, and that both lead characters are Purple!) I was minding my own business in a brew pub after work one evening when I struck up a conversation with a man who introduced himself as “a player of sorts”. I gathered from our ensuing conversation that he had more than one woman on the side, who did not necessarily know about each other. He had worked hard and made his mark in high tech and now he was just coasting, working hard on his tennis game and courting interesting women. (No, I am not among them.) The burning question I was too polite to ask was whether or not he had first abandoned a family and children to pursue this bachelor lifestyle, or if he was wise enough to skip all that heartache to choose a childfree lifestyle in the first place? In my heart, I really want to believe the latter. Maybe my next survey will be for Purple Men™.

On that note, I must point out a small change to the Purple Women™ blog template that I made a few weeks ago. Did anybody notice? At the top, the blog description clearly defines a Purple Woman and now it invites “perfect strangers (of either gender and any persuation)” to blog about a childfree lifestyle. To be really proper, I should probably change the blog title to “Purple and Lovin’ It!” like the book title recently reviewed here. Nah.

P.S. Blogging from the road here. Visiting my Mum and step-Dad in Michigan for Easter weekend.