A Message From Down Under

An unexpected email from a Purple Woman in Australia was the best gift I could have received this Christmas. It convinces me that just posting a new article once or twice a year is not enough effort to keep the content and value of this 2-year intensive blog project alive. My big task for the new year is to take steps to preserve it, so that it will continue to provide a measured, balance perspective on what it is to be a Purple Woman. It is empowering to be self-defined.

She has given me permission to share this letter to herself.

Madeline's Story: A Letter to Myself

Today is the beginning of a new outlook on life. This weekend we made the decision to not continue on the IVF path. Not next year. Not ever.

For me it is also a conscious decision not to continue on the ‘infertility’ path.  That may sound strange, because technically we will remain, by definition, ‘infertile’.  But today, and every day from now on, this is not how we define ourselves.

Spending our emotional energy, our time and our money trying to bring ‘something’ into our life implies that there is something missing.  And that is what has kept us on the IVF roller coaster and turned both of us – I guess me especially – into anxious and (if I’m being honest with myself) at times unhappy people. What I have come to realise this week is that there is nothing missing.

We have a loving, fun, deeply committed relationship and we have a choice to make.  So many of our choices have been made for us that I almost forgot the one we can still make – we can choose not to define ourselves by what we don’t have.  We can choose to get off the emotional rollercoaster that is ivf. We can choose to embrace a different life. Not a lesser life, but a different one…maybe even a fuller one.

Yesterday I read that ‘There is only so much time in a day, a week, a lifetime, and if we don't raise children, perhaps we "raise" something else.’  Something about this blog excerpt resonated with me because, deep down, I know that I have something significant to contribute to this world. And I know that we both can make a mark, as individuals or as a couple.  And that mark isn’t going to be children. But it will be something just as meaningful.  We might change the life of people less fortunate than us.  We might find a way to bring light into dark times that other people suffer through. And through doing this we will probably learn, in a deeper way than we now recognise, that we are so very lucky to be two healthy, bright, driven people.

Apart from leaving a mark on this world, there are smaller – but significant – ways that we can embrace our life and be happy that we have made this choice.  We will have a freedom that other people cannot.  We can have dinner at 9pm on a Tuesday night over candlelight and a bottle of wine. We can nurture our love in a selfish, indulgent way.  We can come home at midnight after a night out with friends… no babysitter, no guilt. I can pursue a fulfilling career without the guilt of having to divide my energies and time.  I can continue singing and musical theatre and the joy that brings without feeling overcommitted.  We can go on extravagant or adventurous holidays every year. Every year. No putting it off. No having to find ‘child friendly’ hotels.  No waiting until school holidays.  We can explore other cultures and learn new things. We can take a whole year off work if we want to and travel the world (well, maybe later when we can afford it). We can go for long walks holding each other’s hands, ending up at a cocktail bar on the river if that’s what we feel like. We can enjoy the simple things in life…good food, good wine, expensive restaurants, lazy Sunday afternoon wines.

We don’t need anybody else in our lives to be fulfilled. There are many things that can ‘complete’ someone and there are many expressions of our love for each other.  In the past, I was so sad that our beautiful love would never be reflected in a child. What I am focused on now is nurturing and protecting that love and having fun with it.   There are other things that our love will be weaved into.  We might volunteer overseas together… we might give something back in a way that others can’t.  Importantly, we can move forward without resentment of other people’s fortune. Because we are going to be fortunate in other ways. We are going to feel fulfilled and satisfied and free. We are going to make a difference. We are going to focus our energies on our marriage, on our own identities and passions, and on our friends – some that we have, some that we will meet.

Most importantly, we will feel whole and happy because we have a deep love that we can spend every day investing our time and energy into and nothing will compromise that.

[Editor's note: This Purple Woman's name has been changed to protect her privacy. 
Special thanks to Flickr member Wim Mulder for sharing his photo via Creative commons. CC]

For more information about the choice to be childfree, read through the archived posts on this blog (hint: you will find them sorted by topic in the sidebar), or visit Laura Scott's "Childless by Choice Project". Laura is an author and filmmaker and a former contributing editor of this blog.

Purple Women Love Opera

I and my Purple girlfriend shared accommodations, gas expense, and driving duty driving to L.A. to attend the Opera Conference last week.

I didn't reflect upon the fact that not only were we both childfree, but so was our hostess, as well as the other lady friend we connected with while we were down there. The long drive home up I-5 gives one ample time for pondering such things.

My CF status is neither forward, nor hidden, it simply is a fact. It has taken years to get to that place emotionally and mentally. Two years of reading every book I could find on the subject, and blogging about it on this site, helped me get there. It is a good place to be. I no longer actively seek friends who are Purple like me, I gravitate towards them naturally. I have friends on both sides of the fence. I simply have more in common with those who are not parents with kids at home.

Being involved with my local opera company, on a volunteer basis, brings me into close association with a lot of retired folks whose children are grown. I have been told they have daughters my age. Age is something else I do not think about when making friends. This has served me well all my life.

There is only so much time in a day, a week, a lifetime, and if we don't raise children, perhaps we "raise" something else. It could be any cause, group, or a business. It opens up a world of possibilities, or as we like to say at Livermore Valley Opera, "opera-tunities".

A week with a five year old

One of my very best friends, her partner, and their five-year-old son visited last week. I looked forward to giving the little boy a few swimming lessons, teaching him a thing or two about or regional wildlife. Instead, he taught me a few things, like:

Food and drink can only be enjoyed if it is slurped or crunched loudly.

Kids can enjoy salads for lunch but only if they’ve never seen the inside of a McDonalds.

One of the most fearsome creatures that ever roamed the earth was a giant sloth.

I don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to penguins.

Manipulation is an art form.

Santa sucks.

And, I am definitely NOT smarter than a five year old.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Flip Side

By LynnS
Regular Contributor
Ireland, U.K.

Several years ago, I had a conversation with a young woman on a train that I've never forgotten. We began chatting in that curiously intimate way strangers sometimes do when traveling. It wasn't the happiest time of my life - I was getting over an engagement that I'd broken but that didn't make it any easier. There were quite a few reasons for the break up: for one, I simply wasn't ready to marry. I'd noticed a controlling, jealous streak in him that worried me. Back then, I didn't know who I was. (In fact, I would reach my 30s before I did). There was one reason, though, that set the seal on my decision to call it off:

I had always known I never wanted children and I had made that clear to him.

He would make patronizing remarks like "you'll change your mind when you're older" despite my repeated insistence that I wouldn't. He couldn't seem to wrap his head round the fact that I had not the slightest desire to reproduce.

I wasn't prepared to compromise. I definitely wasn't prepared to spend my life with someone who would disregard my feelings and who seemed more interested in going along with society's expectations than examining the reasons why he wanted children. So I called the engagement off. Shortly afterwards, I got chatting to this young woman who I'll refer to as K.

K had a two-year-old daughter, despite the fact that she'd never wanted children. She told me that she'd, quote "caved in" unquote and had a child. Her husband and her mother pressured her and society had done the rest. K knew almost immediately she'd made a mistake. She hated being pregnant and said that she didn't appreciate how her body was her own until then. The thought of giving birth terrified her. When her daughter was born, everyone was delighted - except her. "I felt nothing towards her. She didn't even feel like mine. I thought it was the baby blues and it'd get better but I still feel detached from her two years on."

I told K that I never wanted children. K was supportive of my choice and said it was an equally valid one and should be respected. (If the term 'childfree' was around then, I hadn't heard of it).She freely admitted she envied me and warned me to stick to my guns and "not to give in to pressure like I did. If I could turn back the clock, I would." K felt that nobody ever tells women the truth about motherhood.

She told me that she felt she no longer had an identity or independence. Her husband, especially, did not seem to view her as an equal partner or a person in her own right.

K went through the motions of caring for her daughter, saying "I put up a good front but I feel like I'm living a lie."

Listening to her, I felt sad and angry. She succumbed to pressure, yes, but how unfair that that massive pressure was placed on her in the first place. I sensed she was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and shame and probably had no one to confide in. I think she was able to talk so openly and honestly with me because she knew I would not judge her. I hope I was able to help a little.

This is the flip side of the coin we never hear about, I remember thinking. K seemed to feel so alone but I bet she's not.

We got off the train and said goodbye. I never did see her again. I've thought about her from time to time and wondered how she's doing.

I'm grateful we met, though. I'd been second-guessing myself about my broken engagement and I'd been feeling irrationally guilty for refusing to have children. Meeting K cleansed me of that. Whenever I'm bingoed, I remember her because I know if I'd gone with the societal flow I'd be walking in her shoes.

I'm convinced we met for a reason. I learned an invaluable lesson that day.

Listen to your instincts. If you're in any doubt about having children - don't.

Flickr photo by Malingering (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

In the Company of Men

I started a scriptwriters group a number of years ago. We meet once a month to critique each other’s work and offer support and to enjoy the camraderie.

I walked into last nights meeting and found I was the only female in the group. We talked about the new generation of video cameras, our recent travels, and how we might share our work online. We critiqued one of the member’s musical numbers and we caught up with each other, exchanging news, advice, and ideas.

It was just like a meeting I might have had with my other writers group, a nonfiction group composed entirely of women, except that the subject of children never came up.

That got me thinking. The men I hang around with (most of whom have grown children) don’t spend much time talking about their kids, yet the women do, even long after the kids have left the nest.

Is it a gender identity thing? Given that most of the women I know took on the bulk of the child-rearing tasks, is it more difficult for them to make the transistion from parent to empty-nester than it is for their husbands?

I don’t know. However, it appears, based on some of my recent social interactions with empty-nester women, they are more likely than their husbands to continue to initiate and forge social connections by bringing their kids and grandkids into the conversation.

Where does that leave me, the childfree woman? Talking about the nephews, and the grandniece, I confess. Guilty as charged.

Or, more often, drifting off to join the cluster of men in the room, the ones talking about movies, golf, and politics.

Flickr Photo by JennsJournal cc
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Get Bloggy on November 15

Purple Women^TM Count, and they blog about it. Thanks to the following childfree women who put up leading posts and helped me get the word out about our staged online event:

BritGirl Childfree and Invisible

Philadelphia Bunnyface Not as Purple as I Should Be

M Are the Childfree Invisible in our Society?

Shelley End of Tunnel: Purple Women Count

The articles above are great commentary. They are long and well thought out, so get your cup of tea or coffee and pull up a chair.

• M points out that in the end, we really have more in common than not, and perhaps that's what we should focus on.
  
• Philly Bunny talks about the pain of family pressure and why she does not like to reveal that she is childless by choice.
• BritGirl puts a fine point on just how excluded we are, and explores whether or not we represent a true social movement. (She also does a follow-up post, see links below.)
• Shelley, a Regular Contributor at PW&F, explains why she would prefer to read childfree women bloggers...and where are they anyway?
  

Your comments would be most appreciated on their posts. That's the beauty of the blogosphere. It's all about the dialogue!

Big news, we have their attention my fellow Purple Women:

I contacted the organizers of BlogHer's 2008 Convention to be held in Chicago and suggested they consider having a panel of childfree women bloggers. They replied favorably and asked me to get back to them with names of potential panelists and a list of questions. Who's in?

I am also working in the background to develop our very own PW blogroll. Yes, I think we should point out why, and asked to be included as Women Without Children in other supposedly inclusive women-centric sites, and we can also get organized and do it for ourselves. We will probably never be mainstream, but we are getting harder to ignore.

Also check out these Purple Women^TM to see what they write about on our day...

Dani Purple Melange

Neda A Childfree Choice: A Purple Letter Day

Escape Brooklyn Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want Kids

Beany Being Purple

Angry Grrrl Childfree Women: Blog and Be Counted on 11/15!

CalliGrafiti Childfree Blogger

Ravan Another Ravan Perch

Addy CF Unscripted

BritGirl Childfree ... Do We Count?

Amanda Jayne Purple Women Count

LunarKitty Purple Women Count Today

My thanks to all those who have contacted me, who have inserted a button, and posted notice of our staged online event on childfree forums and groups lists. If you'd like the HTML code for the PW button that links to this blog, please email me directly (I love to hear from readers).

Wear it with pride ladies!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple What?

I drive around town in a little black Toyota Celica. I was so excited to be moving back to my home country and state of California, I celebrated by ordering my first ever custom plates last fall. Apparently, someone already had PRPL WMN, so I had to settle for PPL WMN. Now, that could stand for People Woman, instead of Purple Women^TM. It's not a bad connotation, but I am pretty happy with what I got, and even if I am the only one who knows what it really stands for!

Unless of course, I am asked by someone directly. I had a reason to stop by a new acquaintance's house on Sunday. He was showing me around when his wife came home from the store. I would describe them as one and a half generations ahead of me, true blue baby boomers with all the trappings, probably three kids would be my guess -- as a purple woman, of course, I didn't inquire. His wife noticed my license plate and asked me about what it meant, so I told her about the blog that I've been running for two years. I said it was about women who are childfree. She made a joke and in a plaintive wail said, "You mean what do you do when the children are gone?" Um, no. That's not exactly what we are doing here.

Her husband came to my rescue; I think I had given him my Purple Women^TM business card when we were first introduced, and he has probably paid us a visit in the blogosphere. He said, "You know two of our daughters are childfree."


Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Purple Closet

I find myself in new situations all the time, since moving back to the town where we got married nine years ago. We bought a house, so now you know we're committed. Yep, we're settling in the for the long haul, and we're in the 'burbs -- the outer limit of the greater San Francisco Bay Area. We even adopted four girls. Chickens that is.

We've been here about 10 months now, and I thought I'd report in from a purple perspective on how all this is going. We find ourselves surrounded by families with kids. That much has not changed. It's still a great place to raise children, and that's partly why I felt so alienated when we first moved here as newlyweds. It's the new developments that tipped the balance in my decision about whether or not we should live here for the the foreseeable remainder of our lives. For example, we now have our very own Trader Joe's, and there's an outlet mall under consideration by the city council.

Out of all the places we could have chosen in the Bay Area, this was not first on my list. This is my husband's home town, and we have many friends here that he knows from the kindergarten days. Being welcomed back to a place is a most wonderful feeling. I am also making a concerted effort to meet new people, to expand the possibilities of our social horizons. In particular, I wanted to connect with other childfree people, not just on the Internet.

In the new social circle that is forming around us, the question about kids always comes up right away. More for me, than for my husband. Men simply don't go there. Women do. I usually handle it matter of fact-ly. I don't go around introducing myself as the Purple Woman, but I get it out there now. And, then I move on. Next topic?

I don't define myself by a my vocation or my family choice, and I am only associated with an "old family" by marriage as I kept my last name. Getting to know the real me takes a little time. My husband has four generations of history in this valley. It may also take time for us to overcome preconceived notions that others have about childfree people in general. We are in no hurry.

I like what I see in this community. I like who I am meeting and how the place has grown, all-be-it very slowly. There are lovely vineyard-esque housing developments set to a backdrop of generous rolling hills. The downtown redevelopment has gone very well, and the trees and wisteria will only be more beautiful as time goes on. My favorite stores are still there, as well as a few new ones. There are two or three restaurants we'd feel confident to taking visitors to. How many more do you really need?

I get a little nervous telling my new acquaintances about Purple Women & Friends. It's a growth area for me. Still working on coming out of the deep purple closet. Somehow, I am more intimidated to be openly childfree in a suburban setting, but so far so good.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Something Missing?

I don't know why all our post titles this week have question marks. Perhaps it's a way of saying, "we don't have all the answers". That withstanding, I do have a bright idea (blogable thought if not completely original) based on a comment recently added to an older post titled Pets as Kids?

Furthuring the dialogue about the "child-substitute" label that has been applied to pets owned by childfree adults, Anita writes:

"A friend of mine saw a picture of me looking down at my dog who was laying upside down and said, 'Girl, you need to start having babies.'"

Purple Women^TM know pets and kids are completely different packages of obligation and responsibility. I think that applying the label "child-substitute" makes childed others more comfortable around us to think we are fulfilling a natural urge, but it's none too flattering in implying that something that is lacking.

Is it really so hard for people to imagine happiness in leading a life based on a conscious choice to live differently, say, without children? Sounds a lot like some of the issues gay and lesbian couples face. Hey, at least childfree adults can marry!

[Photo: Buttercup, pictured above is Teri's favorite pet chicken.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Life Like Art, Like Blog

I was recently reconnected with an old friend, a former neighbor from when I live in the City. That's San Francisco for all of you who do not live in my big city proximity area. Bay Area locals simply call it the City, never Frisco. My friend is an artist and a Purple Women^TM and we spent the day at SFMOMA together. I was her art buddy for the day.

Our Purple adventure began on a Monday night, with an overnight, as my friend lives some hour and a half more remote than we do, in a straw bale house with four wells and solar panels -- no Internet, something we couldn't do without. After turning down a sub job and breakfast, we bundled up and headed for the BART station. We had to chant the parking karma chant several times before we got lucky in the back 40, nearly a 10-minute walk back to the station.

A nine dollars and fifty cent roundtrip later, plus one dollar for parking, we were rewarded for our efforts by not having to find parking in the City, and a museum discount of $2.50 on the special exhibit when we showed our BART pass. I had no idea what we were in for, or even which museum we were headed for; just a willing participant in my friend's good hands. We saw the Picasso & American Art exhibit and got a feeling for what a stir he created and why in the art world with cubism. It was interesting to see the other artists of his time whose art was on display beside his. What caught my eye most was the fourth floor exhibit, the huge monotone "study in color" work of Bruce Marden. His work is the kind that most people think of when you say modern art and think, "I don't get it".

We may all start with a decision or circumstance which results in our common status as childfree adults, but where you go from there depends entirely on what interests you. Life, like art, like blog?

There were lots of seniors and students exercising their discount mid-week, and us, two forty-something childfree women. The seniors were congregating around Picasso and his cohorts. The students would stare for ever at the big work of Marden. Not being an artist myself, I was probably paying attention to all the wrong things. Then my friend would reel me back in with a comment about technique and art history, which made the experience a little more educational.

One piece in Marden's The Muses series stood out for me. It was a rather organic looking piece of connecting green-hued lines, achieving a three dimensional look to it. One could almost imaging vines intertwined, passing, looping, connecting. I thought of journeys, a highway possibly, or more esoterically, the paths we chose in life. The piece was one of his largest works of art, at least eight feet tall and eighteen across. I sat there and stared at it a long time.

I concluded that this particular artwork was like this blog. It doesn't matter where you begin, what day you discover us, the journey will be uniquely yours, even though you may be visiting some of the same places. As you navigate, some topics may seem familiar, posts of a similar vein will be encountered. We may all start with a decision or circumstance which results in our common status as childfree adults, but where you go from there depends entirely on what interests you. Life, like art, like blog?

Alas, I could not post a picture of it here, no pictures are allowed in the museum. You'll just have to visit it for yourself and tell us what you think!

Flickr photo by kwei

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Blessings

Guest Post by D²
Career Woman & Mother of two girls
Contributor at Diary of a Decision Blog
San Francisco Bay Area
I am not a Purple Woman by any stretch — I am full-time working mother of two girls 6 and 10 and recently separated having been married for the past 18 years.

My life, along with everyone else’s, is complicated, now just in a new way. My sanity and spirits remain positive because of the love and support of my family and a wide circle of friends—many of them Purple Women^TM and Men. Working full-time and participating in different activities puts me in contact with lots of interesting people, many of whom by circumstance or design are child-free. I don’t know what I would do without the affection and companionship of the Purple folk in my life.

For the first time in 40 years I didn’t have a family to spend Easter Sunday with, but my Purple peeps made sure I was with them. When I needed someone to mind my girls on Tuesday nights for ice skating show rehearsals, all three Purple Women^TM I emailed were able to cover all the dates with back ups, just in case someone had to travel (in fact, they enjoyed coming over so much that they want to continue Tuesday girl’s night through the summer). One calls from Minneapolis every day just to check in. Another one asked me to help her do a head to toe makeover. And still another is going to take me ballroom dancing with her husband. And these offers are not just limited to the Purple Women^TM — there are even Purple Men in the mix offering to take me out for drinks, dinner, movies and providing dog sitting.

So here’s to all to the Purple People in my life—you know just the right things to say and do to keep me moving forward. Blessings to all of you: my gang at CPTS, LAG, LB, MA, CVM, AF, SK, AG, EW, KG and the others that the Universe provides every step of the way. Ever grateful AWE (a.k.a. D2)


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Haze

It has been a while since I have reported on my progress as a married childfree refugee living in surburbia. We've been here for six months now.

We returned to a suburb of the greater San Francisco Bay Area -- the East Bay to be specific. My husband was raised here. Four generations of his family were raised here. We were married here nine years ago, so it's very much a "family thing" as one woman friend of mine so aptly put it. Suburbs have always been described as "a nice place to raise kids". Not exactly what we are doing as a family of two.

So I thought long and hard before I agreed to stay here, to buy a house here, and become a part of this community. It wasn't just any house. It's the house my husband grew up in. It's the site of our engagement party, the place his youngest sister held her wedding reception, where many, many 4th of July BBQs occured. We look forward to many more such gatherings here.

I had to ask myself the obvious:

Question: Is it a good place for childfree adults to live?

Answer: It depends on who you are and what you're interested in.

Is it a good place to be single and looking? Probably not, however, it is still a great place to raise kids. Our neighbors who are raising a 13-year-old, invited me to a fundraiser for the local boy scouts: the first annual Womens' Sports Shooting event. I am still a dead-eye with a rifle. The proof hangs proudly on our refrigerator. What a hoot for only $20 in exchange for a full day of entertainment in a not-so-far-off wild California!

Our town is undergoing a bit of a cultural renaissance. The arts are mightily supported here. Even the small hobby airport is in the middle of a search for an airline to serve the citizens. Our town is among the top five participating cities in the annual Backyard Bird Count. Tourism is building momentum with the mostly undiscovered wine country setting as a backdrop. Thinking of doing Napa or Sonoma? Try appellation Livermore. You'll be in for a nice surprise.

When I make a decision, I go for it hook, line, and sinker. At first, I was afraid I would lose my identity out here in "the burbs", lost in a suburban fog of casual dress and discount shopping. I thought perhaps I needed a big city and bright lights to keep me on track, and stimulated. Instead, I am discovering a new side of myself. San Francisco is close enough to enjoy on a regular basis. For the first time, I have some "dirt to dig in" and we have chickens on this small hobby farm. You just can't beat fresh eggs. One of my neighbors has offered to buy my extras! Who knows what else love will grow out here.

I am a Purple Woman^TM, which means I do not have my own kids; however, I am very drawn to other people's children, especially my nieces and nephews. My husband and I actively seek other adults, who don't have kids, to socialize with. Children are such a rarity in my life, I really enjoy them, wonder at their innocence, their interests, when they are around. We are fortunate that many of our friends have older children who are more independent, which means they now have more time for us. It's nice to finally be in that place. I feel like I can give it a rest now and just live my life. Be myself. I am no longer seeking. I am standing still, and we do not plan to move for a long, long time.

Flickr photo by sweetpea515

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Fem Blogger Study

Hattie Page, who authors a blog called MotherPie, is not a Purple Woman. However, she is publishing a series of posts on her findings about women bloggers as a part of her Digital Media Theory coursework towards her master's degree. Here's a link to the first post: Women Bloggers.

The majority of the respondents were parents (70%) with 64% being females with children. Only 2% were males without children. Females without children comprised 27% of respondents.

If you pay her a visit, please leave a comment and tell her the Purple Woman sent you!


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Nice to Meet You

Purple Women^TM new to this site and returning readers will enjoy discovering the buried treasures among our older posts. The categorization of all our older posts is nearing completion, so you can now search by topic of interest, or by author. We have had more than a dozen writers who have made their contributions here, both as Regular and Guest Contributors. We welcome your submissions by email. You never know where the next great post will come from!

In the meantime, I just wanted to say a great big...



...to all the new readers of this blog. You just can't buy publicity like we got recently in the San Francisco Chronicle article. Also, many thanks for leaving your thoughtful comments when you visit. I hope the changes to the sidebar have made us a bit more user-friendly.

It is so important for childfree adults to connect, online and in person. What is also true is that we may or may not have tons in common when we come together, except that we are living unscripted lives. In the last couple of months I have really enjoyed writing for the new ezine by the same title -- Unscripted: the Childfree Life. The editors recently added the blog-type feature that allows readers to leave comments on a particular article. The topic for my next article is inspired by reader feedback.

As we approach our 30s and 40s a feeling of "disconnect" may creep up on you as those who have filled your life previously take the path of parenthood. You can do something about this.

The Internet is changing the way people find each other. I know more than one person who met their spouse online first. The Internet has evolved into a social networking tool that generations before us never had. It's not just online dating services any more. The new generation and those who wish to embrace it are living more online that ever before, with networking via picture sharing services and personal web pages such as MySpace and personal blogs. Organizations like No Kidding!, the international social club (90 chapters around the world) rely on the free Internet like YahooGroups to administer volunteer-run chapters and put on an annual convention each year. Hope to see you at the upcoming one in Las Vegas.

LauraS and I are proposing to the organizers of this year's Childfree Convention a joint presentation of our collective data from the independent childfree studies we completed last year. LauraS is currently fundraising for her Childfree Project, which will be debuted to a much larger audience as a documentary. If you appreciate her efforts, please visit her website and make a donation. If you donate $50.00US, you will receive a custom dog tag as a thank you gift, and you can watch a sneak preview video clip. How cool is that?

These endeavors deserve our support.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Travel and Social Responsibility

Guest Post by Jeremy Jacobs
Professional Presenter and Speaker & Childfree Brit
Blogs: From Margate to the Maasai, Corporate Presenter

Just a few days ago, a close friend of mine said “Jeremy, you've had a bit of a spiritual experience haven't you"?

She was, of course, referring to my recent charity trek, on behalf of Breast Cancer Campaign, to the Foothills of the Maasia in Northern Tanzania. I don't know whether or not it was a spiritual experience – and in any case, the meaning of the term "spiritual" varies depending on whom you are speaking to. But I will state this; the thrill of walking 70 miles in temperatures approaching 90 degrees F over six days and on difficult terrain was certainly an achievement to be proud of. Those months of preparation paid off!

Now I've been back a couple if weeks the cerebral enormity of what I and my fellow trekkers achieved is starting to sink in. The ten of us all had something in common - either losing someone close in tragic circumstances or with a strong sense of social responsibility. And in nearly all cases, both. I think it was that "sixth sense" that kept us together and ensured that all who participated came through without incident, unnecessary physical pain or nagging self-doubt.

The charitable leitmotif, as you would expect, dominated conversations amongst the participants and some of our Tanzanian guides. Sharing experiences with complete strangers about ones personal life, close family members, faith and politics had an atavistic feel about it. Reminded me of school-days and holidays at summer camps. The amazing surroundings also made for a surreal few days. Every waking moment seemed to be filled with some new phenomenon, from the "Milton Keynes" style elephants outside Nairobi airport to the magnificently named "Superb Starlings", a brightly coloured version of that bird. Then there would be the confrontation, verbally, about female circumcision, followed by a description of termite hills, a Maasai boma, and who would be first into the field shower back at camp.

Wildlife featured heavily. Giraffes, ostriches and a nasty looking bull elephant took pride of place on the first full day. A deceased caracal (a type of wild cat) was the subject of much discussion over the campfire that night. Soon, a puff adder would be incinerated in full view of the gang. "Just as well" said one of the crew. "They're responsible for 25,000 deaths in Africa each year". We all guffawed and stared at the heavens which resembled a crisp new "Milky Way" chocolate bar wrapper with a low crescent moon completing the scene. Baboons; wildebeest, zebras; elands, Thomson gazelles; egrets, and lilac-breasted rollers were all viewed along with the vast numbers of goats and cattle belonging to the Maasai farmers. The most voluminous animal seemed to be the African donkey. At times, it was like trying to battle your way through an over- crowded beach at Margate or Blackpool!

Food and drink were plentiful and we were well looked after by our Maasai guides and crew. The latter all employed by the Tanzania Travel Company who in turn were under instructions to look after us by the overall trip organisers, Charity Challenge from North London. The camp sites were erected and dismantled each day in military-style efficiency. However, there was a moment when one of the party fell down a poorly constructed field toilet. The screams would have been heard for miles. Sorry Laura!

Earlier that day, a local school was visited. The classrooms reminded me of a scene from a Dickensian novel. You know, six to a desk and share the pencil. The following morning after nearly 2 hours of trekking, school-children could still be seen walking to that particular educational establishment which by that time was some 10 kilometers in the distance behind us. A black-backed jackal and a newly-born goat caused sensations that day but nothing could have prepared us for the entertainment that lay ahead. Firstly, there was the awesome "sunken crater", followed by traditional Maasai "jumper" dancing, then play-time.

Picture the scene - two jeeps, a variety of passengers in each, pitch black outside - its hunt the wildlife time. This involved the switching off and on of headlights until bands of wildebeest and zebras realised what was going on. They ran in all directions for their lives! After 30 minutes of animal baiting we headed home. Or at least tried to. Night-time in the middle of nowhere with no "SatNav" meant an hour of frustration ensued.

Twelve miles were covered in the heat on the last trekking day before another school was visited. Entertainment that night included a Maasai version of "show me the way to go home". The Ngorongoro Crater with its lions, cheetahs, hippos, flamingoes and hyenas was visited on the last day. Now that was something very special and I would recommend you pay it a visit [click here for Jeremy's crater picture].

[Editor's note: Jeremy raised thousands of pounds $$$ for breast cancer with his trek.You can view his individual fundraiser page here. There are some great photos on his trek blog. I will post a few here when Blogger fixes their upload bug! Jeremy suggests having a look at Charity Challenge if you are interested in doing something similar.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Optional?

A single man I met recently shared this intimate story with me. With his permission, I am sharing it with you. He is thinking it over...his childfree status that is.

"I've been going through some intense stuff around the childfree issue. The best relationship of my life ended in October because my girlfriend dreamed of having three kids. I told her that I could be open to one child.

Just a few days after that last meeting she came back to me and said that one child could be a possibility, so we are once again talking. Living childfree is an attractive option - one that I would choose under the right circumstances.

I am trying to live my life honestly and open-heartedly. That has meant not closing my heart to the possibility of children. At the bottom of everything, my love for this woman is bigger than my attachment to the childfree ideal.

If I do end up becoming a parent, I certainly won't be a judgmental and tiresome one."

We all start out childfree, and different adults evolve in different ways, some parents, some not. Ideally, it is a conscious choice. We are all part of God's village. We all have something to contribute; we all make a difference. We are all deserving of love and kindness, unless our actions warrant otherwise.

Purple Women^TM, whether single or married, can you relate? The question I had for him was, how long had you been dating before this topic came up? There is no right and wrong, but it could be painful if you wait too long and the answer to the question, "Do you want kids?", is not the same.

In my case when dating my future husband, I let him know very early on, because I was very drawn to him, that I was not able to bear his children. To my surprise, he kept coming around, and I love him all the more for it. To me, having the man I love was more important than raising children. I had the desire, but not the equipment. Just the opposite for my groom-to-be.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

In the News

Katherine Seligman has the byline on this feature story about being childfree in today's issue of the San Francisco Chronicle Magazine. Chris The Fixed Kitty podcaster, our friends Teresa and Jay, and AlphaGirl, a frequent Guest Contributor, are interviewed, as well as our very own LauraS.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

No Kidding! Update

Purple Women^TM, you too can start a No Kidding! chapter. Now there's even an instruction handbook wiki on how to do it. This is a sure recipe for getting your childfree social life on track, whether single or married. Pay a minimal start-up cost, agree to the ground rules, add a generous helping of your time to recruit volunteers, members and plan events, and you can use the official name. This organization is heavily, and well-promoted.

The annual convention of this international social club for childfree adults is just around the corner - Las Vegas or bust!. The planners from Chapter One have just added a wiki page to help folks connect to share hotel rooms, rides, etc. Their efforts are truly appreciated.

It just keeps getting better.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Life by Chance

by Sharon Mollerus, Guest Contributor
Blog Author, Educator, Parent & Grandparent
Blog: Clairity

Teri has graciously invited me to offer a guest post to this childfree blog, and I am honored to be the first parent to write here. Our "meeting" was by chance. She chose to include a photograph of mine to illustrate companionship, a lovely scene of an older couple that I caught as I was walking by. After learning of the context of this site, I gave my snitty reaction to the word "childfree" on the post titled Childfree Senior.

The term "childfree" is more deliberate, I think, than the word "childless". A couple we are very close to is childless, by circumstance rather than choice. I have often felt pained when in my friend's presence someone asked a pointed question about her family status. People can be particularly rude about personal issues of parenting, whether asking invasive questions about a pregnancy, offering some condescending advice on childcare or commenting on how many children one has. Couples without children are also often subjected to some judgment about their ability to parent.

Women in particular are tired of being valued for a role rather than for themselves. The word "childless" emphasizes the lack, as if having children were necessary to complete a person.

However, the word "childfree" to my ears is a pejorative of a different kind. It reduces children to the category of burden. For a parent (even on our worst days), the idea that a kid is no more than some category of trouble is the flip side to the insult that women can be valued only as breeders. I don't have an alternative to offer for this term designating family "status" (even that word "status" is a problem) which would offer full respect to both women and children.

I have been married 25+ years and have had three children and two grandchildren. My first daughter Claire was premature and died after fifty days. Our second daughter is adopted. In answer to prayer, an unforeseen opportunity arose, and we said yes on very short notice. Our third daughter was born to us a year later just after my husband started medical school. I would never answer those questions and assumptions about which were "planned" and why we had "stopped at two". Each person’s life is too mysterious for such calculations.

As a writer, I love schedules. I have times for teaching, housework, prayer; then I guard those blocks for solitary writing. There are quiet evenings with my husband (we are just now empty-nesters) and noisy ones with friends.

Still, I find that the real stuff happens in the margins and spills out of bounds. I would have nothing to write about if it were only what I had planned for my life.

From hard experience I have learned that easy relationships are not always the most valuable. Naturally we pad our lives with comforts and bar the door against misfortune, but we can also risk to miss the best part. I like to leave something to chance.

[Photo above: Originally uploaded to Flickr on November 30, 2005 by kool_skatkat.]

[About Sharon: Sharon Mollerus is an English instructor at The College of St. Scholastica in Duluth, Minnesota. She is a poet and photographer and blogger. She has two children, two grandchildren and a husband of 25+ years.]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Compliments on a Childfree Choice

Several weeks ago, my husband and I went to lunch with some friends after church. This has become somewhat of a regular routine, particularly with one couple whom we have gotten close to. This particular Sunday there were 3 other families involved and we met at a Wendy's/Tim Horton's. The guys sat at one table, the ladies at another, with the kids in between. Most of the kids were school-age while the youngest sat with her dad (she was under 2 years old). When the mother of the 2 youngest kids sat down with us ladies, she looked at me and said,

"You're the smartest woman at this table." We looked at her curiously for what she meant and she responded, "For your decision not to have kids."

I was a bit surprised as it's quite unusual for a parent to make a comment like that. She didn't mean at all that she didn't love her own children. Rather she was acknowledging that having children can be difficult at times and making the choice not to have them is valid. Situations like these seem to be rare and it was encouraging to be complimented on the choice I had made.

Technorati Tag: Childfree