Can We Have It All?

This week I caught an episode of TLC’s reality show The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom.

A mother of two pretends she is on a mom’s spa trip when, in fact, she is living her fantasy as a chef in one of L.A.’s top restaurants. While her husband is taking care the of the kids, she is testing her skills in the presence of the top food critics in Los Angeles—reclaiming her dream to be a top chef. At the end of her secret week, she is given the choice between taking the opportunity to be a full-time chef at Chocolat, one of L.A.’s premier dining spots, or to go home and resume her life as a full-time mom.

What does she choose?

Despite her husband’s verbal and whole-hearted support of whatever choice she makes, and with consideration of the financial implications of living solely on a chef’s salary, she tearfully chooses to remain a stay-at-home mom.

The 70’s feminist part of me shakes her head and wonders, have we regressed to Ozzie and Harriet days?

The childless by choice part of me understands.

I, too, chose between a career and children. It was a relatively easy choice for me, because I had difficulty imagining myself as a mom. But what if you had two young ones at home and part of your identity, and being, hinged on being the Mom you always wanted to be, and the other part hinged on accomplishing the goals you set for yourself prior to becoming a mom?

What would you do?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Motherhood Manifesto Not Just for Moms

I recently spent part of my weekend free time reading and watching The Motherhood Manifesto, a book and DVD encouraging moms to fight for new laws and workplace policies that would benefit the lives of mothers and their kids.

Yeah, I know, I’m childree, but I have great respect for the author’s of this work: Joan Blades, co-founder of MoveOn.org and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, an award-winning author and consultant on environment policy. Also, I was curious;

I wondered, is their initiative likely to further the divide between mothers and non-mothers in the workplace?

In my humble opinion, the answer is yes, and no.

Most of what is advocated in The Motherhood Manifesto are changes that would benefit all: Flex-time, benefits for part-time workers, more paid vacation or sick time, minimum "living" wage, and equal pay for equal work.

Where it gets prickly is the instances where the push for maternal/paternal leave, after school programs, affordable childcare, and universal healthcare for kids (just for kids??) may leave childless workers with valueless benefits; benefits which, essentially, they pay for in sweat and are an important part of their compensation package.

The book exposes some very frightening facts, including the fact that families with kids are three times more likely to be forced into medical bankruptcy. But when you think about it, of course, it makes sense; the more people you have in your household the greater chance one of them will have a illness leading to catastrophic, impossible, medical bills. Parents by virtue of their choice to raise a family expose themselves to any number of risks, including sleep deprivation, severe stress, and—in the case of mothers who take time off to raise a family—loss of seniority and promotion opportunities, resulting in serious long-term loss of income.

I sympathize. The current U.S. work culture is not friendly to working moms, Americans pay far too much for health care and insurance, and I believe employers can do more to help the next generation and those who care for them. However, I think in the spirit of fairness and sound economics, benefits should be doled out in value units and the worker should have a menu of benefits and be invited to choose those which would benefit them the most. The parent might choose subsidized day care or flex time, the childfree and empty-nesters might choose affordable long-term health insurance, or paid time off to volunteer or tend to elder-care duties.

I once took a job which required me to travel state-wide. Some days it would take me two to three hours to get home. This situation forced me to drop my volunteer work as a tutor at an after school program. I would have loved paid time off for my volunteer work, but no dice. I was a part-time consultant. No benefits.

Clearly, there are shared objectives if these types of advocacy efforts can be more inclusive. So I was happy to see that on page 72 of the Motherhood Manifesto, in a sidebar titled It’s Not Just Mothers, John de Graff (who directed the Motherhood Manifesto film and is the National Coordinator of Take Back Your Time) acknowledge that moms, dads, singles, and couples are all suffering from "time poverty," pointing out:

"The average American works nine weeks—350 hours—more each year than the average Western European."

Time…aaah; time for leisure, time for family, time for sanity and health.

Now that’s something we can all get behind.

Flickr photo by edtwilight77 (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Less Fulfulling?

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to Purple Women & Friends

As a childfree woman who has been blessed with a fulfilling career, I have often been the subject of erroneous assumptions that I am choosing money and prestige over children. Anyone who knows me well enough to judge understands that my reasons for not having children are primarily spiritual and have nothing to do with my job. The whole “selfish” accusation is bored and tired, so I refuse to be bothered by the ignorance and close-mindedness of others.

However, I find it considerably more difficult to keep my cool when people take it one step further and imply that my childfree status somehow cheapens my accomplishments. I have nearly bitten a hole through my tongue as I’ve sat and listed to bitter co-workers imply that if I had kids like them and the playing field was level, I wouldn’t be more successful than anyone else.

What a pathetic concept. It’s just as bad as the runner who postures that he would’ve come in first place instead of second if his shoe hadn’t come untied.

Why on earth do some people think it’s okay to make their children convenient excuses for life’s disappointments?

And what does that do to the poor kids? I’m sure it can’t be good for the ol’ self esteem to hear Mom on the phone telling her pals that if it wasn’t for Junior here, that promotion would’ve been hers. It’s seriously sad.

I would never disparage any woman for taking a break from her career to focus on her children – it’s a decision I respect and can appreciate. However, I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for taking advantage of opportunities that arise in the meantime. The Corporate world is tough enough for women, and we only make it worse when we turn on each other.

Flickr photo by maxedaperture (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Down Under

Guest Post by Helen
Childfree Australian
(Australian spelling!)

In Australia, we’re heading into an election campaign, so an important issue that affects all women is starting to get some attention. I’m not talking about the environment or the economy. The issue is paid maternity leave.

Australia is one of the few OECD members that does not have a paid maternity leave scheme – instead we have the baby bonus, that ‘removes discrimination against non-working mothers'. A recent survey found that 76% supported paid maternity leave for working women, with 78% of those in support of paid maternity leave in favour of the financial responsibility being shared jointly by employers, workers and the Federal Government. 71% supported a scheme funded by employers and employees only. This would be on top of the already generous package of assistance offered to new parents who are entitled to up to 12 months of leave (which many employers contribute to), a 30% childcare rebate and flexible working arrangements. A state politician is even calling for parents to get extra votes so the rights of children will be explicitly recognised in our society!

Paid maternity leave wouldn’t cost much in comparison to the existing benefits for families. But that’s just the nominal cost, which would cover the salary of pregnant women for up to 6 months after the birth of their child.

A far greater cost may be paid by those who won’t benefit from these arrangements: women who are not planning to have children.

The assumption that everyone wants children exists in law. The Sex Discrimination Act makes it illegal to discriminate against ‘women of child-bearing age’ on the grounds of pregnancy or potential pregnancy. However there are still indications that this happens on a regular basis.

Small and medium businesses say that they cannot afford to pay employees who are not working, as well as paying for temporary staff to cover for them. Business organisations argue that employers won't recruit women if they know at some stage they'll be required to pay thousands of dollars in benefits and staff replacement costs.

I’ve got to say that as a Purple Woman I find this pretty insulting. I don’t want to be judged according to my potential to breed but according to my potential to contribute to the world. Just like men are judged.

Flickr photo by chrisjohnbeckett (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Workplace Stategy from a Pro

Wanted to share an article titled Avoiding Conflicts Between Parents and Non-Parents in Yahoo! HotJobs. It is written by Tory Johnson, CEO of Women For Hire and the workplace contributor on ABC's "Good Morning America."

Thanks to the Purple Woman who sent this to me along with this comment:

…wanted to say thanks for doing this blog. It really helps to know that there are others out there just like me!

This kind of feedback keeps me blogging. Thanks for sharing this with us D.H.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

In the News

Katherine Seligman has the byline on this feature story about being childfree in today's issue of the San Francisco Chronicle Magazine. Chris The Fixed Kitty podcaster, our friends Teresa and Jay, and AlphaGirl, a frequent Guest Contributor, are interviewed, as well as our very own LauraS.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Pur-spective

I just had to create a post to go with this amazing photo. Purple has many shades, and this one may arguably be fushia (a favorite color of mine) but it does lend itself well to an abstract post about perspective, or pur-spective.

As Purple Women^TM we view the world differently than our parent counterparts. We make different decisions, from the decision not to become a mother, to the things we buy and the people we vote for. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) created a huge guffaw earlier this month with her comment about how U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's childfree status as a woman affected her judgment about the U.S. war in Iraq. I think Barbara got caught saying what a lot of people really do think about intentionally childfree adults.

Do childfree women value human life any life less because we do not have children?

That's just silly thinking. Consider for a moment that this kind of thinking is backed up in the highest places in our institutions, church and state. Apparently, no one came to Condoleeza's aid at the time of infraction. After all, she is a woman who can defend herself. She chose not to get defensive. Real classy, regardless of what you think of her politics. The childfree choice found unexpected defenders on the conservative side of the page as Jennifer L. Shawne, author of the book Baby Not on Board, details nicely on her corresponding blog (January 14 post).

Barbara's comment sheds light on how childfree individuals are viewed in society. Compare it to the status of the home-owner vs. a renter.

Childfree men and women are viewed as short-term tenants in this life, however far from the truth that may be. Parents are viewed as more committed for the long haul, that next generation.

I don't think an apology is coming at this point, so Barbara got away with "her bad" and will only benefit from the press. As they say in show business, even bad press is better than no press. Beth over at The Blue Star Chronicles does a nice job of summing up the buzz this incident created on the Internet.

This is just politics as usual. If you cannot handle the personal attacks, don't get into politics. I am glad Condoleeza didn't give the press the cat fight they were looking for.

Photo: Originally uploaded to Flickr on August 4, 2006 by Steve took it

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Settings

By AlphaGirl, Guest Contributor
Blog Author: Childfree: Uncut. Unedited. Uncensored.

I have always been aware of and sensitive to my environment and setting. As a child, my friends and I would build forts and tree houses, where we would role-play, draw, read or just hang out away from adults. We all loved the way the setting and the environment supported us as we made our way in the world. It was our retreat, hideaway, gathering spot, and its walls held many of our stories and secrets. As adults, my friends and I have turned our individual homes and apartments into our own sanctuaries.

As human beings, we all want to create environments and settings that support who we are now, as well as who we want to become.

The office space decorated with personal items to remind us of life outside of work, the personal items in our cars that turn it from an impersonal vehicle to our very own sweet ride, the home our apartment decorated to meet our individual needs for noise level, light, and activity.

Let’s look at some other environments that are not of our making. The waiting room at the Dr.’s or OB-GYN’s office. Our neighborhood or townhouse/condo/apartment complex. Our favorite food joint. The waiting area and consult room at the shrink’s office. What are the messages that are conveyed in these environments? Are they welcoming, judgmental, neutral, or ambiguous? Specifically, what do these and other settings say to you as a childfree person? Are you welcome there, or do you find yourself wondering what the heck you’re doing there, and wondering whether or not you are “seen” in that environment.

Two personal examples: A friend of mine switched OB-GYN’s after many years of seeing the same doctor. She got fed up with the cradle-laden, baby-photo decorated waiting room and exam rooms. D was childfree before the term was invented, and she got sick of the very pro-baby messages in that setting. She saw her OB-GYN quite a lot for various health problems, so her alienation was understandable. She also wondered how a childless woman would feel in that setting. “Do we not count?” D asked me one night on the phone.

I had scheduled a series of counseling appointments after being knocked silly by a string of personal setbacks. The counselor was competent enough, but the consult rooms at the counseling center were decorated like a child’s bedroom: Toys, blocks, rocking chairs, teddy bears, dollhouse figurines, and stuffed animals. I half-expected a pig-tailed, shrill little girl to burst through the door at any moment and demand that I get out of her room! “No grown-ups allowed!” The setting’s message was quite clear. I just could not get comfortable there; I don’t particularly enjoy being in child-centric settings anyway, (Well, OK ….not at all) but especially not while airing my dirty laundry. So I reached for my bootstraps and beat it out of there. I did, of course, explain my trepidations before leaving.

What settings do you find yourself in?

Are you comfortable there?

What steps are you willing to take to make sure your environment supports you in living a full, happy, childfree life?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

We All Have Mothers

One of my Purple Women^TM informants was kind enough to send me an article from San Francisco Weekly called New Mother's Work by Eliza Strickland (12/6/2006).

The post title above is a quote by Joan Blades, co-founder of a new political action group called Moms Rising. Her co-founder is author Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner who recently debuted some new data in her first book, The F-Word: Feminism in Jeapoardy:

"For every dollar that a man earns today, a childless woman earns 90 cents — not perfect equality, but close — while mothers earn 73 cents, on average, and single moms earn 60 cents. These numbers represent disparities in hourly wages, so part-time work schedules and unpaid leaves don't skew the statistics."

We childfree have a true workplace advantage. We still don't have pay equity with the men, but I will say her numbers make it look like we've progressed. How we will fare with the pull of this newly realized political organizing is yet to be seen.

When Blades says "we all have mothers," I am reminded of how hard it must have been for my mother, a single mother in the beginning. I need to read more about their agenda, but initially I am captured by their cause - even though I have no intention of raising kids.

Moms Rising could be good for all women. Backers like Sens. Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and Ted Kennedy would be wise to recognize families of two as they push for new family-friendly legislation and workplace policies. The two should go hand-in-hand.

As Purple Women^TM we are unwitting feminists, whether we like it or not. My question is, are we going to have a voice in the changes that inevitably take place, or will we simply take a backseat to mothers?


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Café or the Cafeteria?

Should employers continue to grant extended benefits coverage to parents and decline to transition to “cafeteria” plans that set a single dollar amount for each employee?

This question was recently posed by Ms. Laura Ciaccio, Spokesperson for No Kidding! International, author of the Childfree News blog and Child-free.com, and also a Harvard Law student working on the above question for a course project. Here is the argument I sent her for her site.

We have to appreciate what we have in this country, the good ol’ U.S. of A., and one of those things is a free marketplace. Burgeoning entrepreneurship is a sign of a healthy economy. This well spring is the direct result of a healthy middle class, the size of which is also an indicator of a strong economy and a happy populace. Macroeconomists would agree but it’s hard for most of us to get the bigger picture. We all prosper when our economy prospers, and prosperity is not tied to what hand-outs our employers give us.

I am a Democrat, trying to develop Republican sensibilities. Now that liberals have won back both House and Senate, majority leaders and their followers have a responsibility to listen to the other side. Republicans have morphed into religious fanatics lately but they remain true to their true pro-economy, capitalist core. It is even more important to develop the ability to dialogue and come into the conversation open-minded. If we really feel like socialists at heart, we should move further north.

When I first heard about Ms. Ciaccio’s project and her stance, I cringed because telling a corporation how to take care of its employees feels a bit heavy handed. I look forward to the dialogue she stirs up and applaude her for doing so. Here’s my take and you are free to disagree with it:

I think we, the childfree, need to take responsibility for our own choices. We decided (or accepted) our status, and regardless the reason, we should not expect compensation for phantom children. The Achilles Heel of the argument that Ms. Ciaccio puts forward is that in fact we should have extra disposable income since we don’t have extra mouths to feed. As an employer, it is proper to take care of your employee and his or her family. This argument will not find a sympathetic ear with the great masses of parents (who outnumber us, by the way). The U.S. tax code already allows employers to offer pre-tax spending options for unreimbursed medical and caregiving expenses, be they child or elder. That is available to us all equally.

If we advocate that a company provide equal value in benefits to each employee, where would that money come from? Profits would be the first thing a board or business owner would move to protect. Head count and salary would be the likely target, so would the company picnic and ironically, the company-sponsored cafeteria. The proposal is called a “cafeteria plan” of packaging benefits, in which each employee gets one a voucher for the same amount with which they can pick and choose from a benefits plan.

Put on your business-owner hat for a moment. Look at your total cost per employee. Parents cost more for businesses so heavily weighting their bennies to families with kids, yet, which employee gets promoted? Unfortunately, the odds are that the guy telling jokes at the water cooler, the married man, yes, one who has the right number of kids does. Oh, and the tall people. So many subjective factors come into play, rather than job performance, but I would bet that all business owners look at employee cost when making staffing decisions. They have to or they wouldn’t be in business.

So, why would childfree want to advocate to make themselves more expensive and less attractive in the workplace? Instead we should shed some light on what a bargain we are, always filling in for the ones who have to dash home for a child’s activity. Use it to our advantage. The cafeteria plan would impact women in the workplace most directly. Many talented working women are also mothers and if employers were forced to offer equal benefits for all employees chances are some of theirs will go away. The economic impact to the business would be too great for it to turn out otherwise in reality.

Ms. Ciaccio, if you want to eat at the cafeteria, go ahead. Our co-workers who have kids are probably eating lunch a sack lunch at their desk. I’ll take my compensation in dollars and cents, and eat across the street at the café with my extra disposable income, and only sign up for as much health coverage as I need.

For more on this topic and others visit Childfree Issues.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

No Kid Person

My job has been a drag lately: numerous deadlines, vendors with attitudes, and ugly looks from a kid who is a chief troublestarter at the place. That kid came up looking to take pictures with people for whatever reason today. I was trying not to pay attention to them. Boss took a picture, then the kid's handler asked them if they wanted to take pictures with anyone else. "There's no one else to take pictures with up here on this floor," the kid said. It looked as if the kid's handler was going to suggest me, but I walked past the both of them as I had to take some mail downstairs. I don't like being around most of the kids there, but I particularly don't want that problem child near me, ever.

I spoke with a person in one of our other offices, and she asked me how things were going. "Not well," I sighed. "I'm not a kid person." I touched on some run-ins I'd had with some of the kids without going into a whole lot of detail. "Boss gets annoyed when I complain about them," I continued. "I guess these kids weren't taught respect at home, and they may not be taught it here, either, but they have to learn that before they leave here." "I didn't know you weren't crazy about the little ones," the person I was talking to said in surprise. "Not really," I admitted. "That's why I never had any of my own." "You were a kid once," came the reply.

Normally, I would have said, "Yeah, but I grew out of it," but I let it go. I might have had to hear another "but children are wonderful" speech. Later in the day, I received an email from my niece's adoptive mom announcing that my niece suddenly decided that she is not going to college. Normally, I stay out of their battles, but I can't stand by and let my niece choose a dead end existence. I feel an obligation to my late sister's memory. It's hard. I don't always relate to kids well, and I have to really think about what I need to tell my niece and how to say it without causing further fireworks. This is another one of those times I'm glad I'm not a parent. However, as an aunt, sometimes I get pushed into being another adult authority figure to a kid.