The Influence of Culture

I have been researching and writing about the childless by choice in North America for four years. One thing I have learned is many of us are pressured to have kids, or stigmatized because we don’t, because of the culture in which we live.

The culture may be a mixture of religion, race, family, or tradition, but the results are the same. Our decision making and our coping mechanisms are influenced by our culture.

I recently signed a book deal with Seal Press, a member of the Perseus Books Group, to write a book on the Childless by Choice in North America. Yesterday I was working on a chapter in which I profile couples who have arrived at their decision to remain childfree in very different ways. The couples I interviewed are a very diverse group. Some are children of immigrants from India and the Middle East, some are atheists, some are lapsed Catholics, some are devout Jews. Each of them has found their own unique way of navigating what is very often a pronatalist culture.

As a young black woman, how do you remain childfree in a culture where fathering a child is considered a critical rite of passage for most of the young males of your race? Do you date outside your race, do you remain single or celibate, or do you defend yourself by arming yourself with condoms and praying he knows how to use one, or by going to your doctor and begging for a tubal ligation?

If you are an observant Jew do you pass as infertile, do you isolate yourself, do you lie when asked why you haven’t done your part to produce a child for the tribe. The future of Israel is at stake!

It’s tough. So tough in fact that I have yet to meet an observant, orthodox Jewish woman who is intentionally childless, or a African American couple who remained childfree through a lasting, fertile marriage or partnership. I know they exist. They are out there, I’m sure of it. It’s just that I have not met them, even though I have worked and lived along side orthodox Jews and I have mentored young black women.

Fortunately, I have had the pleasure of knowing so many others, who despite being raised in a culture that assumed parenthood for all their members, became one of the few who resisted the pressure, based on a hard-won sense of who they were and what they truly wanted. (Click here for a short excerpt of a Mexican couple who did just that.)

The decision to remain childfree is not made in a vacuum. You may be caucasian, 5th generation American, atheist, and surrounded by childless and childfree siblings and friends, but you probably still had a parent who hoped for a grandchild one day; who said,

"You would be a good parent if you just put your mind to it."

[Flickr photo by Stephanie Booth - cc]
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree Catholic - Revisted

I was reminded that we just may be doing something important here, by way of sharing stories, experiences, and information, when I re-read the thoughtful comments on an older post. Even though I published it months ago, it just got a new comment this week. The topic is still valid.

Here is one in particular by Coffeine that stood out for me:

"An update and shout-out to Teri and WordWench. I recently, after 29 years and my last post, parted ways with the Catholic Church, as it was getting in the way of my relationship with God.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it was the right thing to do. The dogma, politics and female-repressiveness just became too much. Especially when, in an effort to find some sort of counsel, I approached several priests, including my parish priest, with my "childfree by choice" stance, questioning the free will and internal conscience in the eyes of the Church and God.

Apparently, in the eyes of the Church, those reasons --internal conscience, knowing yourself -- are not good enough. One priest said that he doubted the validity of my marriage in the Church, because I married knowing I might not want children and he even suggested annulment.

I had the "Be fruitful and multiply" line tossed out at me on several occasions, with no one viewing it as a possible blessing rather than a command to breed. I left the Church and its man-obsessed dogma and took God with me. I have never felt closer to the Holy Spirit and able to focus fully on God in my own way.

God and the Church are two entirely different entities from one another, moving in two different directions. In my parting ways from the Church,

I too, have just started a childfree, recovering Catholic blog, Crafting the Schism - Finding God Outside the Catholic Churchianity.

Thank you, Purple Women, for leading the charge and putting this topic up for discussion. God Bless!"

Purple Women^TM -- we learn from each other.

Read all the comments: Married Childfree Catholic. I want to thank everyone who commented on this difficult and personal topic. I very much appreciate the elevated level of the conversation on this post. Together, we have created a safe space to explore the sometimes volatile topic of being a woman and being childfree.

Flickr Photo courtesy of Nina`H (cc).
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Never Be Bingoed Again

Purple Women^TM always need some extra social ammo when getting bingoed in public and in social settings. Britgirl has an excellent compilation post this week: The Childfree Bingoes - Revisited.

She is a Brit living in Toronto. I am pleased to tell you I know her personally!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Oh, Just Grow Up!

People have told me I’m 'young at heart' and I take it as a compliment. But according to Albert Mohler, President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, it’s a moral flaw.

When the media needs a quote from someone inclined to denounce the choice to remain childfree, they go to Mohler. Two years ago Dr. Mohler appeared on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360˚ in a debate with Madelyn Cain, author of The Childless Revolution, following a video segment of people talking about their reasons for remaining childless, including one childfree woman who was working as a nanny.

In the debate, moderated by CNN correspondent Heidi Collins, Mohler had this to say:

MOHLER:…this is really about avoiding the responsibilities of parenthood. And I find that profoundly sad. You know, obviously, there is a tremendous moral point to be made here. These couples -- well, they have to be very thankful that their parents didn't make the same decision. And society depends upon parenthood and the raising of children being seen as a norm for married couples and as something that is of social value.

COLLINS: But, Albert, isn't it -- pardon the interruption. Isn't it dangerous to assume that everyone can be a good parent?

MOHLER: Well, you know, I think what is more dangerous is to assume that we're going to say that people can be adults, and be recognized as responsible adults, who don't even aspire to grow up, to be mature enough to have children. I mean, parenthood is a part of helping to create adults. We grow up by having our children. Without that responsibility we have a generation of perpetual adolescents, just growing old.

Click here for the full transcript of this show.

Mohler’s not the only one who believes we need to have a kid or two to "be recognized as responsible adults." As Laura C pointed out in her post on Child-free.com, policy wonks and social scientists are struggling with the fact that the three steps to adulthood—employment, marriage, and procreation—are increasingly being delayed in the United States, forcing a reassessment of what were previously considered the normative milestones to adulthood.

So what happens when you skip the having kids part?

You tell us!


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Review: The Crowd You're In With

I think a better name for this play is: You are Your Peers.

Rebecca Gilman’s play will be with me a long time, but it will only be at the Magic Theatre in San Francisco through December 9th. Like a good book or a really excellent film, a powerful artistic work that moved at least one audience members to tears, it will be with me a long time.

The setting: a backyard BBQ. The dialogue centers around family planning and family choice. I remember writing about my own backyard experience in this post: The Question. I had no idea that such an interaction could be turned into a stage play.

The main characters in this play are one pregnant couple, one not-pregnant-yet couple, and the landlady and her lord, and you guessed it, they are a childfree couple. Let me just say the odd couple didn’t mix so well. The BBQ is a total disaster.

I think the scene, one long act that will keep you riveted to your seat for 80 minutes, is a bit extreme, the treatment of the childfree couple was not at all far from reality. Close enough to the mark; we are all easy marks because we are living such non-traditional lives, to be uncomfortable. I casually mentioned to one of the ushers at the theater that my childfree group attended the play and that “we get that kind of reaction all the time” her reaction was cool and not at all sympathetic. She probably thought I was as freakish as the stage characters thought of their childfree counterparts.

I met a woman who teaches art classes in a studio adjacent to the theatre and she said, in an unrelated conversation as we were mingling in the lobby area prior to the show, “No tolerance is actually a form of intolerance.” That applies to so many things.

The Purple Woman portrayed on stage was particularly vilified. I think the writer took it a bit to the extreme, perhaps to make a point, but I couldn’t help wondering how the childed vs. the parents in the audience were reacting to the scene. I remember, at one point, I was agreeing whole-heartedly with the dialogue on stage and a woman in front of me was shaking her head in sympathetic scorn.

Ms. Gilman did Purple Men a favor by focusing on their ability to make a conscious choice about becoming a parent. Our society focuses on women so much, possibly because we are the ones who actually get pregnant. Men have revealed that they feel pushed aside in the equation as the mere sperm donor who will just go along for the ride, as if they are not part of the decision. “Oh once your child is born….fill-in the blank reason,” to pacify the unsure male.

In the middle of the act, thank goodness for the single friend who drops by with a cheap six-pack of beer, as he provides much needed humor. His jokes about waiting on tables with parents and young children had everyone laughing heartily. Who knew Cheerios are just for tossing and not for eating? His arrival and delivery were perfectly timed.

This morning I was reading the morning paper about how whaling how international pressure has greatly impacted a small Japanese town’s traditional catch. I was surprised to learn that it was the Americans after WWII, who encouraged whales as a food source. Now we, as leaders in the world (bullies to some), and the international community have changed our minds. A spokesperson for the small whaling town of Taiji pointed out, “They just completely reject people whose thinking isn’t the same as theirs.” This reminded me of the kind of interactions that the childfree often have with parents and perfect strangers.

The Magic Theatre has a run of 25 shows for The Crowd You’re In With. I plan to go back for one of the Friday evening performances because the writer and director come out to talk with the audience, and more than anything, after seeing something like that, you want to talk about it. I am very grateful to Nicole, the promoter of the show, for a couple of reasons. First, she had the savvy to contact me, as the leader of a childfree social club, to promote the show to our members. Moreover, she arranged for members of my club to have a special ticket price at a $7.00 reduction. This marks the first time I have ever had a discount on anything for being childfree.

I will be thinking about this play for days if not weeks, and the more I think about it , the more title of the play seems perfect to me. It alludes to the kind of “group think” mentality that I suspect is often the basis for starting a family with children.

Rebecca Gilman is a Pulitzer-prize nominated play write. I hope she wins big for this one.

Update to post: Read Robert Hurwitt's review in today's San Francisco Chronicle.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Women Get Bloggy on November 15

Purple Women^TM Count, and they blog about it. Thanks to the following childfree women who put up leading posts and helped me get the word out about our staged online event:

BritGirl Childfree and Invisible

Philadelphia Bunnyface Not as Purple as I Should Be

M Are the Childfree Invisible in our Society?

Shelley End of Tunnel: Purple Women Count

The articles above are great commentary. They are long and well thought out, so get your cup of tea or coffee and pull up a chair.

• M points out that in the end, we really have more in common than not, and perhaps that's what we should focus on.
  
• Philly Bunny talks about the pain of family pressure and why she does not like to reveal that she is childless by choice.
• BritGirl puts a fine point on just how excluded we are, and explores whether or not we represent a true social movement. (She also does a follow-up post, see links below.)
• Shelley, a Regular Contributor at PW&F, explains why she would prefer to read childfree women bloggers...and where are they anyway?
  

Your comments would be most appreciated on their posts. That's the beauty of the blogosphere. It's all about the dialogue!

Big news, we have their attention my fellow Purple Women:

I contacted the organizers of BlogHer's 2008 Convention to be held in Chicago and suggested they consider having a panel of childfree women bloggers. They replied favorably and asked me to get back to them with names of potential panelists and a list of questions. Who's in?

I am also working in the background to develop our very own PW blogroll. Yes, I think we should point out why, and asked to be included as Women Without Children in other supposedly inclusive women-centric sites, and we can also get organized and do it for ourselves. We will probably never be mainstream, but we are getting harder to ignore.

Also check out these Purple Women^TM to see what they write about on our day...

Dani Purple Melange

Neda A Childfree Choice: A Purple Letter Day

Escape Brooklyn Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want Kids

Beany Being Purple

Angry Grrrl Childfree Women: Blog and Be Counted on 11/15!

CalliGrafiti Childfree Blogger

Ravan Another Ravan Perch

Addy CF Unscripted

BritGirl Childfree ... Do We Count?

Amanda Jayne Purple Women Count

LunarKitty Purple Women Count Today

My thanks to all those who have contacted me, who have inserted a button, and posted notice of our staged online event on childfree forums and groups lists. If you'd like the HTML code for the PW button that links to this blog, please email me directly (I love to hear from readers).

Wear it with pride ladies!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childless and Mormon

Oprah recently did a show on fundamental Mormon polygamists. The majority of women featured on the show appeared very pleased with their plural marriages and most had over five children each. I did the addition and realized there were over 20 people living together in one home. Whew…

Of course this type of marriage is rare and illegal. One notorius leader, Warren Jeffs, president of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and husband to over 50 wives, is currently in jail awaiting his sentence after being found guilty of accomplice to rape for coercing a 14-year-old girl into a marriage with her elder cousin.

The mainstream Mormon Church no longer sanctions polygamy, and there are only a few communities of polygamists left in North America. However, the Church continues to actively support and endorse large families, so I wondered: what is life like for childless or childfree LDS couples?

Kathryn Kidd, a childless Mormon author from Virginia and a contributor to Meridien Magazine, an ezine designed for Latter-day Saints, explored this question in a article titled Other Avenues for the Childless after being contacted by women who wrote about the challenges of childlessness.

Barbara, reflecting on her experience of a life without kids in the LDS community, had this to say:

The biggest problem was lack of any suitable role or role model for women in my position in the Church. There were no childless married women I could relate to, and a lack of friends or peers with whom I could share experience. Church meetings and classes and talks inevitably involve teachings on the family.

Many of the childfree and childless of all beliefs and faiths experience a sense of isolation and some exclusion. However, I suspect this must be harder in a community where having kids is what a contributor to the Latter-day Saint Liberation Front website called one of the "most profound and fundamental mortal obligations."


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Quote From A Reader

Purple Women^TM , I know you will appreciate this pull quote by Judy, a reader of this blog, reflecting on her status as a childfree woman:

"Socially, I feel has been the hardest part of all - which is probably why I'm writing this. You do look for people who think like you or have been through similar experiences. Motherhood is glorified and it was difficult to take the road less traveled."

You can read the rest on the comments that LauraS received on her thought-provoking post titled Been There, Done That on October 17.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Single, Straight, Male, w/ Vasectomy

Would you respond to someone who described himself this way in a personal ad?

According to Toby Byrum, he fits this description and he’s never been worried about meeting Ms. Right. He’s a single professional in a small community in Wyoming but he hopes to marry one day. He came to the conclusion, in his mid-twenties, that he didn’t want kids. He made the decision to have a vasectomy at 28 years old.

His story was featured recently on NBC’s Today Show. Today Show host Matt Lauer asked Byrum, with regards to dating, "How do your bring this up and how quickly do you bring this up?" Byrum responded: "The first date, if not before," he said. "I live in a small area, so some people are already aware of this. I bring it up quickly. There’s no reason to waste anybody’s time. If someone has a different idea for themselves, I don’t want to get in the way."

Lauer also asked if he ever thought about the fact that, as an only, male, child he might regret not leaving a legacy. Byrum admitted he had thought about it but thought that procreating for the sake of legacy "was too vain a reason to have kids"

As is usually the case, the viewer comments that followed the posted video clip on MSNBC are as interesting as Toby Byrum’s story. One comment in particular, disturbed me, because it came from a pychotherapist who felt compelled to do some armchair analysis, based on the 5-minute interview clip. The self-described "licensed psychotherapist in MA" wrote:

[I] can't help but wonder how much a toxic dose of narcissism fuels Todd's choice. (Baggage from childhood too much or not enough mirroring by his parents??)His choice has set the groundwork for him to focus his energy on pursuits and achievements at the expense of meaningful (and sometimes messy) relationships, but what about generativity (giving back to the world)? His choice and apparent lack of ultruism can result in a lonely old man, with nothing meaningful to review when it comes time to do his end of life stage of life emotional reflection. I do not see his sense of spirituality...is he spiritually bankrupt?

It irks me that the choice to remain childfree is still, so often, misunderstood, even by those who claim to know more than "the average bear" about the inner workings of the human psyche.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple Man at Lunch

I grossed myself out this week and opted for a "quick" hot dog at Costco for lunch. I only had a half hour allotted and it was the closest solution. It didn't end up being quick at all as this lunch venue is so popular, I spent almost 10 minutes just standing in line to spend $1.50 on the dog.

What took even longer was the interesting man, let's call him Steve, that sat down next to me. He just didn't belong. I thought he looked a little bookish and out of place, bespectacled and all. Trim physique. Plus, he had come prepared with a hard cover book and a New Yorker. As it turns out he was a Purple Man.

After clearing him for landing in the bench zone next to me, my first question to him was, "Are you a writer and are you from New York?" In my experience those from the East really give it up to the Big Apple and consider it the center of culture in the U.S. I think they should all be required to visit Venice Beach, California in order to reconsider their position.

He was a scientist and from the East Coast indeed. He was there getting a flat tire fixed. It was a jaunty conversation, well worth the trip to Costco, and not at all what I was expecting. I wanted to know his whole story, but men don't need or want to articulate about being childfree like we women-folk do. He readily agreed we get all the pressure and men simply fly below the radar. I gave him my Purple Women^TM business card and sincerely hope that he writes us a Guest Post sometime -- or at least leaves us a comment!

Purple Men are out there. Sometimes I wish they would speak out more and help alleviate the double-standard that seems to exist. Their silence is not supportive of the women they love.

Photo by roboppy (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Blessings from the Blogosphere

Okay, that title is a little silly, and by some, what we write about here is regarded the same, but for others it really resonates and reflects their experience. WordWench, a Purple Woman, put this gift today on a post I published on April 2, 2007:

Married Childfree Catholic

"Thank you so much for this blog! I can't believe I have found it.

I am 39 years old, Catholic and single. I am also a woman who since the age of 18 has known that I did not want children. This is simply because I have never desired to have them and also because I know I am not parent material. I do not have the patience to go through all of the daily things that raising children involves. And I simply have never desired to be a mother.

This in no way means I am not a caring person...I feel I can show my nurturing and caring side through the extensive volunteer work I do with the blind and at a local food bank, and the care I give to animals. I also live with my elderly father and help him out (I am an only child, mother deceased.)

As a Catholic who has remained single (just haven't found right man) I find myself feeling increasingly alienated in my local church and also in the church at large because of this overwhelming idea that only those who procreate are 'in the right'.

I value so much the woman's comment about free will. If God had meant me to be a mother, wouldn't He have given me that natural desire? Instead, God I feel gave me the discernment from an early age to know what I was NOT meant to do as well as what I was meant to do. I feel it would be TRULY selfish of me to marry and have children just because I felt it was what I was supposed to do, rather than what I truly desired.

I am so glad there are others out there voicing this because I really feel lately like there is no place for me in my Church. Thank you."
August 30, 2007 11:31

You're welcome! Please visit the blogs of other Purple Women^TM as listed in the Childfree Love links in the sidebar.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Purple What?

I drive around town in a little black Toyota Celica. I was so excited to be moving back to my home country and state of California, I celebrated by ordering my first ever custom plates last fall. Apparently, someone already had PRPL WMN, so I had to settle for PPL WMN. Now, that could stand for People Woman, instead of Purple Women^TM. It's not a bad connotation, but I am pretty happy with what I got, and even if I am the only one who knows what it really stands for!

Unless of course, I am asked by someone directly. I had a reason to stop by a new acquaintance's house on Sunday. He was showing me around when his wife came home from the store. I would describe them as one and a half generations ahead of me, true blue baby boomers with all the trappings, probably three kids would be my guess -- as a purple woman, of course, I didn't inquire. His wife noticed my license plate and asked me about what it meant, so I told her about the blog that I've been running for two years. I said it was about women who are childfree. She made a joke and in a plaintive wail said, "You mean what do you do when the children are gone?" Um, no. That's not exactly what we are doing here.

Her husband came to my rescue; I think I had given him my Purple Women^TM business card when we were first introduced, and he has probably paid us a visit in the blogosphere. He said, "You know two of our daughters are childfree."


Technorati Tag: Childfree

How I Became a Purple Woman

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

As a child, I vividly recall one Christmas in particular - for weeks beforehand, all I wanted was a Glow Worm, nothing else. (If you're a child of the 80s, you might remember!). My relatives seemed slightly puzzled by my choice. They kept asking me why I didn't want a Cabbage Patch doll or Tiny Tears, and they kept insisting I'd change my mind. I stood firm, though - I told them that I wasn't interested in "some stupid, boring doll", even though it seemed practically every girl I knew wanted one.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Tiny Tears doll and no sign of a Glow Worm anywhere. Strangely, though, I wasn't surprised I'd been given a doll. I knew I was expected to play with it and at least give the appearance of loving it. You hardly need to be a psychologist to see the pattern emerging. . .

Other incidents come to mind: when my cousin gave birth to her first child, I congratulated her on the card and not her husband. My mother told me I'd forgotten to put her husband's name down and I told her I didn't. Why should I? She'd done all the hard work, not him. My mother was scandalized, of course, and insisted I add his name but I knew I was right.

I also remember when I was about twelve and letters were sent home from school about the Rubella vaccine. I asked why we needed it and when my mother explained why, I crossed my arms and earnestly pointed out that I didn't need it because I wasn't ever going to have children. (Of course, I had to have it anyway. . .)

In retrospect, it's glaringly obvious that I was what you might call an "early articulator"!

Tellingly, every time I tried to express my feelings, I was pressured, patronized and occasionally treated like I ate babies for breakfast. Unfortunately, some things are slow to change. . .

As I progressed through adolescence, I was bombarded by messages from the media and society in general that motherhood was the greatest experience a woman could have. A childless woman was ( for me anyway) rarer than a unicorn sighting. (I'd never even heard the term "childfree").

The few childfree women I knew were objects of pity and scorn, if not downright viciousness - even though they all seemed far happier than almost all the mothers I knew. From quite a young age, I sensed that the derision these women faced was prompted by jealousy yet nobody was willing to admit it.

I was old enough by then to recognize the financial and emotional strain parenting put on a person. My own mother often seemed stressed out, depressed, frustrated and resentful. I was puzzled by this: she was the first one to lash out at "career women", as they were then called, yet motherhood didn't seem to make her happy. Odd as this may sound, I was grateful things turned out that way: it forced me to open my eyes and think and decide for myself. It meant I learned to disregard society's expectations, no easy thing in staunchly Catholic Ireland in the 1980s, and understand that no one could live my life for me.

When I was 20, I started reading feminist works by authors such as Gloria Steinem, Naomi Wolf, Susan Faludi, etc. Inspiring as they were (and still are) there was still something I couldn't pinpoint until years later: even feminist writings seemed to assume that women were or would be mothers. A turning point for me came when I stumbled across a copy of Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap in a used bookstore. This book had a profound and lasting effect on me. I felt relieved, thrilled, vindicated. It confirmed what I'd always known and I was so comforted to know I wasn't alone, that there were people out there who shared my feelings. For years my not wanting children had almost felt like a dirty secret.

I was 23 when my niece was born and even though I could see the appeal of babies and why a woman would want one, I still had not the slightest desire to have one of my own. My youngest sister was born when I was 14 so I have some idea of the level of sacrifice, exhaustion, worry and expense involved.

My 30th birthday was a milestone for me, like it is for many people. It was actually quite depressing because I seemed to be the only one who wasn't a mother - it really brought home how isolated I was, even though I've never regretted my decision. Despite being on the receiving end of a few snide comments of the "just wait till you hit thirty" variety, the older I get, the more certain I am that I've made the right decision for me.

Over the years, I've gotten every bingo going - I'm sure most Purple Women will know what I mean. The one that I get most often is "it's selfish not to have children".

Ahhh, that old classic. Except it cuts no ice with me.

I tell people if they look it up in any dictionary, it'll be defined as being concerned only with one's own welfare with total disregard to others, or something similar. Exactly how does my choosing not to have children affect them? It doesn't really - except that it makes them consider their own choices. If that makes them antsy, all I can say is that they can't have been that secure about their choices in the first place.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the fact that I have wondered what will happen when I get older. Will I look back and regret not having children? I truly believe that I won't. And if I do? I would far rather regret not having children than having children and regretting it.

I never volunteer the information that I'm childfree - not because I'm embarrassed about it, but because I can't be bothered wasting energy explaining and defending my choice.

I make it a point never to ask anyone about their children or if they have any in social settings. It saddens me that in the 21st century society persists in glorifying motherhood, while women who choose not to become mothers are all too often viewed in a negative manner.

There is hope, however. I believe that generations to come will realize that parenting is a choice and not a predetermined, unalterable path. If people really think about whether or not to have children, the happier everyone will be.

Ask any Purple Woman and they'll tell you that not conforming to society's expectations can be difficult sometimes, no matter how happy you are with your decision.

Remember that the path less traveled has its own rewards.

And remember this piece of advice my grandmother gave me which I've never forgotten, and never fails to make me smile:

"If it won't make you laugh, it won't make you cry either!"

[Editor's note: AlphaGirl reviewed The Baby Trap for us last year. If you are interested in picking up a good book in the childfree genre, just click on the book review topic a little lower in the sidebar to see all our reviews. If you click on the link under the title "Feed Your Mind" and purchase your next book via Amazon.com, you will be supporting this site!]

Technorati Tag: Childfree

The Purple Closet

I find myself in new situations all the time, since moving back to the town where we got married nine years ago. We bought a house, so now you know we're committed. Yep, we're settling in the for the long haul, and we're in the 'burbs -- the outer limit of the greater San Francisco Bay Area. We even adopted four girls. Chickens that is.

We've been here about 10 months now, and I thought I'd report in from a purple perspective on how all this is going. We find ourselves surrounded by families with kids. That much has not changed. It's still a great place to raise children, and that's partly why I felt so alienated when we first moved here as newlyweds. It's the new developments that tipped the balance in my decision about whether or not we should live here for the the foreseeable remainder of our lives. For example, we now have our very own Trader Joe's, and there's an outlet mall under consideration by the city council.

Out of all the places we could have chosen in the Bay Area, this was not first on my list. This is my husband's home town, and we have many friends here that he knows from the kindergarten days. Being welcomed back to a place is a most wonderful feeling. I am also making a concerted effort to meet new people, to expand the possibilities of our social horizons. In particular, I wanted to connect with other childfree people, not just on the Internet.

In the new social circle that is forming around us, the question about kids always comes up right away. More for me, than for my husband. Men simply don't go there. Women do. I usually handle it matter of fact-ly. I don't go around introducing myself as the Purple Woman, but I get it out there now. And, then I move on. Next topic?

I don't define myself by a my vocation or my family choice, and I am only associated with an "old family" by marriage as I kept my last name. Getting to know the real me takes a little time. My husband has four generations of history in this valley. It may also take time for us to overcome preconceived notions that others have about childfree people in general. We are in no hurry.

I like what I see in this community. I like who I am meeting and how the place has grown, all-be-it very slowly. There are lovely vineyard-esque housing developments set to a backdrop of generous rolling hills. The downtown redevelopment has gone very well, and the trees and wisteria will only be more beautiful as time goes on. My favorite stores are still there, as well as a few new ones. There are two or three restaurants we'd feel confident to taking visitors to. How many more do you really need?

I get a little nervous telling my new acquaintances about Purple Women & Friends. It's a growth area for me. Still working on coming out of the deep purple closet. Somehow, I am more intimidated to be openly childfree in a suburban setting, but so far so good.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Not Cool

Guest Post by
Anonymous Purple Woman

One of the greatest things about the Internet is the way you can connect with others to share ideas and points of view; however, I have been forced to question this recently because of my experience on my own blog. There are some people out there that I definitely do not want to deal with.

Here’s my story:

I’m twenty nine. For a few years I’ve realized that I don’t want to have my own children. Though I’ve done quite a bit of volunteer work with children, I’m just not willing to cope with them 24/7. This wasn’t something that I discussed with people. In fact it didn’t arise as an issue until I married two years ago and started being perceived in a new way – as a potential mother. Just before I got engaged I started my blog as a personal diary. I wrote about issues that I cared about which, after I married, increasingly included the difficulties being childfree in a child filled world.

Like many of us, I got the kid question and the condescending response “of course you’ll change your mind”. The more people asked the more infuriating it became. So, as many people do, I took it out in the blog, writing down what I wanted to say to people, if only they would listen.

When I found relevant articles in the press I would link them and comment on them. At first, I didn’t have problems with comments. When I said something that people didn’t agree with they did weigh in, but in a civil way, stating why they disagreed. I was happy to respond.

When my posts became more personal, someone got angry. One post of mine in particular about "bad experiences with parents in public places who ignore the effect their children have on others" was linked to their website and mocked. Now this person has a “weekly feature” making fun of my posts has started. It’s all very high school. Other posts on this anonymously authored site mock local TV personalities and café owners. I don’t know who the psycho is who is doing this, but I do know that it makes me miserable that they are getting their kicks this way.

Reasonable discussion isn’t an option when someone is calling you a bad person. Or is it? I’d be very interested in your point of view.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Against All Logic

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to Purple Women^TM

It is completely illogical for my husband and I not to have children. When people point this out to me I always agree, which tends to throw them for a loop. But I know they’re right.

My husband and I have a very strong Christ-centered marriage. We both have good jobs and have the financial resources to raise a child. My husband even has the option of taking a few years off to be a full-time dad. We don’t have any physical, mental, or emotional barriers that would affect our ability to parent. And we have an excellent network of family and friends who would provide a great source of support and strength. We’ve got the whole happy-family package, yet we will not have a child. Makes no sense.

And simply because it makes no sense, others in the Christian community are prone to assume that I am not following God’s will. I beg to differ.

Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

It doesn’t say anything about those plans being logical to the population at large.

I mean think about it – this is the God who told Noah to build an ark to prepare for a flood, at a time when the world had never even seen rain. The same God who enabled Joshua to defeat the walls of Jericho by having him march around the city a few times and yell really loud. If God did everything in a way that makes sense to us, we wouldn’t really need to trust Him. And if the world could be run on common sense alone, why would we really need God at all?

In a strange sort of way, when I don’t understand what God is doing with my life, I gain confidence that I am in His will. He’s never led me astray, and I have no reason to doubt Him now. After all, He’s simply asking me not to procreate – if plans for an ark mysteriously show up in my mailbox, then I’ll start panicking.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Just Be Yourself

by Shelley
Regular Contributor to PW&F
Personal Blog: End of the Tunnel

You’ve heard it a million times – whether you’re getting ready for a first date, preparing for a job interview, or meeting the future in-laws, someone always offers the sage advice to “just be yourself.”

This is probably the world’s most widely used adage, and it sounds so simple on the surface. But when people give this advice, do they really understand what they’re saying?

Because if you’re truly being yourself, you are guaranteed to irritate, offend, or otherwise alienate someone along the way. What is pleasing to one person will grate on the next person’s nerves. Everyone will not always agree with you. And worst of all, you will eventually commit the cardinal sin of going against the flow.

As a childfree Christian, I feel the ramifications of being myself most strongly in traditional church environments. It seems that church folk encourage you to be yourself…“unless.”

For example, “Be yourself, unless you don’t like the way we do things around here.” We’re “family” oriented, so if you’re uncomfortable participating in programs orchestrated around parents and children, you’d best keep your mouth shut and do it anyway. And for heaven’s sake, stick with the prescribed “Christian” lifestyle. A woman who’s uninterested in motherhood is misguided and sad – a child is the only thing that will make you truly happy, and if you choose not to have one, you surely aren’t following the will of God.

When it comes right down to it, what people really want is for you to be like them. Because if you are finding fulfillment by doing things differently, that just might mean that they are the ones who could have made better choices. And where Christians are concerned, I think sometimes instead of deepening our relationship with God to find confidence that we have chosen the right path, we instead find that comfort in the fact that everyone else is doing the same things as us.

Romans 14:22 says, “Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe—some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them—then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong.”

My husband and I believe children are not in God’s will for our lives, and we strive to ensure our thoughts and actions mirror that belief. I rejoice in being myself, because even if others don’t understand, I know God approves!


Flickr photo by geopollock (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

Please Read This

The Purple Woman known as BritGirl really nails it with this quote on her blog this week:

Childfree people do not have to justify their choice not to reproduce, so please don’t ask us “why we don’t have kids.”

Read the entire post here.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree in the Military

Nothing more pleasing to me than to hear from new Purple Women^TM on front page posts. If you like what you see here, tell a childfree girlfriend!

My duties as blog owner/author have always include monitoring and responding to comments. That used to be exclusively on the main page, but now that our site is more searchable, I am finding that new visitors are exploring more, and a comment can appear anywhere in our voluminous postings. This is kinda fun for me. Occasionally, I will elevate a comment, or a portion of one, to the front page.

This week, I fielded a new comment on The Question. It represents the first time we have heard from a childfree, married member of a military family, specifically the Royal Air Force.

I am 31 years old, married for 9 years in August this year. You wouldn't believe the number of people that have asked me WHY we got married if we weren't planning to have any kids, much less straight away after the wedding.

I always say that we got married because it meant the RAF would have to provide us with a house (which is true) as my husband is a technician, and has been since 1994. The reaction to that sort of materialistic response is just outstanding, as people think that I really mean it!

She has probably not heard of the ridiculous Initiative 957 in Washington State, which would force couples who want to marry to prove that they are able to have kids together before they can get a marriage certificate. Really just a knee-jerk reaction to deny gays the right to marry, the intentionally childfree heteros are just lumped in I guess. Not stellar legislation.

Did they ever get enough signatures to bring it to the ballot? I will report back later this week.

Flickr photo by MatthewBradley (cc) FYI, the copyright holder insists these are all women in the photo.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Growing Old

I found this appeal posted on able2Know.com:

It appears that I am going to end up single, childless, and alone. This didn't bother me when I was younger, but as I get older, it does. What do people do when they find themselves single, older, and with no family? Any ideas? What kind of supports are out there? Thank you!

Click the above link to see the very good comments and suggestions that were posted in response, including my post suggesting a visit to Purple Women & Friends™

What suggestion do you have for people who aren’t exactly relishing growing old without family or kids?

Flickr photo by Remyyy (cc)

Technorati Tag: Childfree