What Do I Know Since I'm Not A Mom?

There was a woman who used to attend my church. She and her husband had six children. She'd brag they were like the Brady Bunch because she had three girls and three boys. Their kids were mischevious hooligans. I was co-leader of a youth group that met after church service, and I hated to see her kids coming. It was near impossible to keep order when they were in attendance. Her youngest was often placed in the nursery during Sunday service because the child was too antsy to keep still. One Sunday, it was my turn to man the nursery, and I babysat the kid. When service was over, her mother came to collect her. I don't remember the exact gist of the brief conversation, but I do know it was something about some issue she had with her kids. Before she walked away with her child, she abruptly said, "Oh, wait. You don't know. You don't have any kids."

I didn't like her tone or the attitude behind that statement. It was not the first time. The comment was not always verbalized. Sometimes it came in the form of rolled eyes, a slight sneer, raised eyebrows, or the "what kind of alien are you?" look. I seldom get that from men, but some childed women are quick to dismiss any possibility that women who don't have children know much of anything.

There is the erroneous idea that parenthood automatically grants wisdom to people. Society gives the impression that parenthood will make someone "grow up", but can we honestly say we know any pre-teens and teenagers who were magically endowed with knowledge to function as full-fledged adults when they became pregnant or got someone pregnant? Can we say that all of the adults we know who are parents are mature? Of course not.

Welcome to New Contributors

A great big WELCOME to three new Purple Women^TM team blog members posting as NikkiJ, Boxing Tomboy and Jennifer Lee Jones (who is posting as her fine self).

Please click through to their profiles to get familiar and enjoy the new voices in the mix. Boxing Tomboy (a.k.a. Hillari) out of Chicago is already a blogger (check out her other blogs) and as you can see JLJ has her own website. We have not heard from Wendy (our first contributor to sign up) and AthenaMarina in a while. Hoping at least they are reading and noting our progress.

It's not always easy to make time for a new hobby and blogging can be very time-consuming, because to be a good blogger you have to read, comment and post (technically challenging) -- not to mention catch your own typos and be your own editor.

Blog on!

Children For Gain?

I've had some African-American men act as if I had disrespected their manhood when I told them I had no interest in having children. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where racism and disparity based on race still exists. For some in the African-American community, especially those beset by poverty, having children is a sign that they do have control over something. It is a badge of honor, proof that they are worthwhile.

A couple of years ago, the topic of being African-American and childfree came up on an message board I used to frequent. Several women of color had stated that they were happy to be childfree and post their reasons why they choose the lifestyle. One man was extremely offended. He wrote, "I hate women who won't get with a man and have babies." It was then pointed out to him that some of the women who posted had written that they were in loving relationships, but this meant nothing to the angry man. Another man left several rants about how all African-American women should make having children a high priority in order not to allow other minorities to make gains over us. He also wrote that those of us who choose to be childfree were helping the white man fashion more plans to eradicate the race.

I read those responses and shook my head. What does my not wanting to be a parent have to do with race, economics and politics? It is a preference of mine based on what I am willing or not willing to tolerate in my life.

Has anyone else--regardless of your race, creed, color, religious beliefs--been told that you should have children to keep another race from being the dominate group? To gain economic power for your race? To gain or maintain political power? To raise them up in a religion that is allegedly more correct than other religions?

Project Update #2

To date 98 Purple Women^TM have taken the survey -- yippee!

Mom Assumes

My mom and I do not get along. We had our battles when I was a teen, and nothing was ever resolved. Currently, she's estranged from me for the second time, having cut off communications with both myself and my late sister four years ago.

The first time, she cut herself out of our lives for nearly 17 years. When she decided to open the lines of communication, albeit briefly, in 1992, it wasn't long before she started in on my younger sister and I about having children. My younger sister had two children, which she put up for adoption. I am in contact with her college-bound youngest daughter, a strong-willed girl who is exactly like her birth mother in many ways. I thought my mother was being insensitive when she kept saying things to my sister like, "Is there a way you can get those kids back? That's a shame you gave them away." There was no recognition that my sister did what was best, not only for her, but for the children, at all. No matter how many times my sister stated that she was not going to be pregnant again, Mom would continually ask, "Think you'll have some more kids?"

My younger sister had already been subjected to the insensitive comments of our older half-sister and our late grandmother when she first made the decision to put her children up for adoption. According to them, that was something that African-American women just didn't do, on a no-no list right next to abortion. Grandma grumbled, but our half-sister ranted. "Your kids are going to get older, find out what you did, and come back and kill you!" she snapped at my younger sister. I continue to be amazed--and proud--that my late sister managed to stand up under their gross lack of support.

On my mother's part, I knew that deep down inside my mother was aware that she had messed up with her kids (my oldest brother passed away when he was three months old; my youngest brother passed away when he was twenty-two). Angry because her life did not go the way she wanted, she took it out on us via emotional and verbal abuse. Mom was nowhere to be found when my sister was pregnant. She showed up after all had been said and done, expressing her desire to be a grandparent. "I expected to come back to Chicago and find you two with children," she said, with disappointment in her voice.

I told my mother that I was childfree, but that didn't put her off from hoping I would make her a grandma. She wouldn't say anything to me directly, however; she'd go behind my back and pester my younger sister. "You think Hillari will have a baby?" One day, we were at her apartment, and I was complaining about something a kid had done. Mom suddenly cut me off. "Okay, we all know you don't like kids," she said curtly. I was offended that she would automatically assume that about me just because I did not want to be a parent. I wanted to start an arguement, but I figured it was useless. As far as Mom is concerned, no else's opinion ever matters except hers.

Lights, Camera, Reaction?

The media in Toronto are starting to take notice of all the press releases we've been putting out about the No Kidding! chapter meetings and the 5th annual Childfree Festival that we are putting on this summer.

I was more than a little concerned when a TV producer from CBC's Venture show contacted our group and said she like to show up to one of our dinners with a camera crew to interview folks about "workplace conflict issues" such as parents vs. childfree co-workers might have. I sent her assistant an email expressing this concern and shared a story with them and told them they would not get me to repeat it on camera. Here's a link to their website: http://www.cbc.ca/venture/.

I can't help wondering if the producer has thought through how sensitive the issue of childfree vs. parent co-worker issues might be for someone on camera? If one of our members has a good story to tell and it's about a current or recent work situation, that could come back to affect them in the workplace. Their story is about conflict (media always goes for sensational) and there's a good chance No Kidding! will not event get a mentioned by name. There's hardly any PR value in it for us, but lots of risk and I am worried about our members' privacy.

I wish I could define the specific opportunity that this media attention represents. So often things are taken out of context in small sound bites. Last year, a producer from the Mom Show called and wanted someone from our group to be a guest. I never heard how that went...can anyone fill me in?

Hiatus & Childfree Book Review

Creator/Founder/Researcher/and future Author of Purple Women^TM -- Teri Tith -- is taking a one week break. Blog on!

See the comments for NikkiJ's book review on Childfree and Loving It!

Project Update: Survey

To date, 73 Purple Women^TM have taken the survey! Many thanks to all of you. I promise to honour your words.