The Purple Closet

I find myself in new situations all the time, since moving back to the town where we got married nine years ago. We bought a house, so now you know we're committed. Yep, we're settling in the for the long haul, and we're in the 'burbs -- the outer limit of the greater San Francisco Bay Area. We even adopted four girls. Chickens that is.

We've been here about 10 months now, and I thought I'd report in from a purple perspective on how all this is going. We find ourselves surrounded by families with kids. That much has not changed. It's still a great place to raise children, and that's partly why I felt so alienated when we first moved here as newlyweds. It's the new developments that tipped the balance in my decision about whether or not we should live here for the the foreseeable remainder of our lives. For example, we now have our very own Trader Joe's, and there's an outlet mall under consideration by the city council.

Out of all the places we could have chosen in the Bay Area, this was not first on my list. This is my husband's home town, and we have many friends here that he knows from the kindergarten days. Being welcomed back to a place is a most wonderful feeling. I am also making a concerted effort to meet new people, to expand the possibilities of our social horizons. In particular, I wanted to connect with other childfree people, not just on the Internet.

In the new social circle that is forming around us, the question about kids always comes up right away. More for me, than for my husband. Men simply don't go there. Women do. I usually handle it matter of fact-ly. I don't go around introducing myself as the Purple Woman, but I get it out there now. And, then I move on. Next topic?

I don't define myself by a my vocation or my family choice, and I am only associated with an "old family" by marriage as I kept my last name. Getting to know the real me takes a little time. My husband has four generations of history in this valley. It may also take time for us to overcome preconceived notions that others have about childfree people in general. We are in no hurry.

I like what I see in this community. I like who I am meeting and how the place has grown, all-be-it very slowly. There are lovely vineyard-esque housing developments set to a backdrop of generous rolling hills. The downtown redevelopment has gone very well, and the trees and wisteria will only be more beautiful as time goes on. My favorite stores are still there, as well as a few new ones. There are two or three restaurants we'd feel confident to taking visitors to. How many more do you really need?

I get a little nervous telling my new acquaintances about Purple Women & Friends. It's a growth area for me. Still working on coming out of the deep purple closet. Somehow, I am more intimidated to be openly childfree in a suburban setting, but so far so good.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

News Just In--Happy Childfree Couples!

This morning, ABC’s Good Morning America aired a segment titled Couples Happy to be Child-free.

The segment featured two couples who made the choice to remain childfree and I was happy to see that the ABC producers chose sound bites during which the couples challenged "the childfree hate kids" assumption.

After the segment, the GMA anchors suggested viewers share their opinions on this topic on the ABC website. In the four hours after this segment aired, over 450 comments were posted, many debating whether or not childfree couples are selfish. Also included in these comments were postings from parents who admitted that if they had it to do over again they would have chosen not to have kids.

Is this news? Not to us. But what is news is the fact that Pew Research Center recently reported a significant decline in the number of Americans who agree "that children are very important to a successful marriage."

The ABC segment quoted Cary Funk, a researcher at Pew, who said (of the survey respondents):

"About 65 percent say that the main purpose [of marriage] is to form a union for personal happiness and fulfillment as opposed to having and raising children."

So it appears that the majority of Americans are motivated to marry in order to achieve personal happiness and fulfillment.

Personal happiness and fulfillment. I suspect that might be what everyone would want for themselves, married or unmarried. Kids or no kids. So, is that a selfish motive?


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Not Cool

Guest Post by
Anonymous Purple Woman

One of the greatest things about the Internet is the way you can connect with others to share ideas and points of view; however, I have been forced to question this recently because of my experience on my own blog. There are some people out there that I definitely do not want to deal with.

Here’s my story:

I’m twenty nine. For a few years I’ve realized that I don’t want to have my own children. Though I’ve done quite a bit of volunteer work with children, I’m just not willing to cope with them 24/7. This wasn’t something that I discussed with people. In fact it didn’t arise as an issue until I married two years ago and started being perceived in a new way – as a potential mother. Just before I got engaged I started my blog as a personal diary. I wrote about issues that I cared about which, after I married, increasingly included the difficulties being childfree in a child filled world.

Like many of us, I got the kid question and the condescending response “of course you’ll change your mind”. The more people asked the more infuriating it became. So, as many people do, I took it out in the blog, writing down what I wanted to say to people, if only they would listen.

When I found relevant articles in the press I would link them and comment on them. At first, I didn’t have problems with comments. When I said something that people didn’t agree with they did weigh in, but in a civil way, stating why they disagreed. I was happy to respond.

When my posts became more personal, someone got angry. One post of mine in particular about "bad experiences with parents in public places who ignore the effect their children have on others" was linked to their website and mocked. Now this person has a “weekly feature” making fun of my posts has started. It’s all very high school. Other posts on this anonymously authored site mock local TV personalities and café owners. I don’t know who the psycho is who is doing this, but I do know that it makes me miserable that they are getting their kicks this way.

Reasonable discussion isn’t an option when someone is calling you a bad person. Or is it? I’d be very interested in your point of view.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Top 10 Ways

...to Have a Party Without Kids...

1. Be direct. Say it's an adult party, clothing optional. "Let's do some swinging!"
2. Have a "No Weenies, Just Martinis" party. Serve only martinis and insist everyone have one. Remind guests that it's a drought year and you're trying to conserve water. (Okay, this will only work in the Western U.S.)
3. On the announcement, tell your guests a White Elephant gift exchange is planned and to bring a gift-wrapped adult toy to the party.
4. When you leave a follow up message to see if they're coming, ask each guest to bring their best dirty joke or limerick.
5. Use a good swear word or two when you're calling again to see about their RSVP status.
6. If you actually get them on the phone, say, "you don't mind if we do a little "weed/crack/snort/coke/heroine/spleef/dubbie/hash" do you?" Wait -- no one will come if you do that.
7. Mention that there will be no lifeguard at your backyard pool party, even if you don't have a pool.
8. If your friend calls you to ask if you really meant it about their kids, say in a firm voice, "Yes, because my cats hate all children."
9. If they still want to bring their kids, mention that you have really cool neighbors and they are going to come over too, so everyone's going to get "really crazy".
10. If none of the above works, look up their son/daughter's MySpace page and tell how much you really want them to be there because you want to set them up with your niece/nephew from (somewhere they'd hate to visit). Oh, and that you'll be playing Twister.

Purple Women^TM I am jesting, of course!

Flickr photo by vanse1980 (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree

To Be A Woman

Guest Post by LynnS
Ireland

"It is insulting and condescending, not to mention untrue, to claim that a childfree person is somehow incapable of understanding and experiencing the depth and variety of emotion a childed person does."

Last month, I bumped into an old friend of mine I hadn't seen for several months. She looked pale and haggard and a good deal thinner. I suggested we go for lunch to catch up. On our way to the cafe, she told me that she'd taken a leave of absence from her job to care for her elderly father, who'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. All I could do was listen as she confided in me about her father's deteriorating condition - she was finding it increasingly difficult to care for him though she's a nurse, yet she wouldn't hear of him being put into a home.

In the meantime, two women were at the table behind us - one of them had a baby aged about six months. I couldn't help overhearing the mother say to her friend "You don't know what exhaustion or sacrifice is till you've had a baby".

Uhmmm . . . excuse me? Isn't what my friend doing a sacrifice? She also looked pretty exhausted to me!

I was offended by her comments but it got me thinking. Why do some parents feel the need to hijack emotions in this manner? It's not just exhaustion or sacrifice the childfree apparently don't understand.

It's unconditional love. It's true happiness. It's selflessness. It's responsibility.

What does this mean?

Are we to believe that our own experiences and feelings pale in comparison to those of parents? Are we to believe that every life experience, no matter how good or bad, no matter how ordinary or extraordinary, can't possibly compete with the exalted state of parenthood?

As for parents themselves, why are they so quick to dismiss and invalidate their lives pre-children?

Irritating as this is, there's something else which disturbs me: the sometimes spoken, sometimes implied belief that you have not fully lived life until you become a parent.

The belief that as a childfree person, you are in a state of arrested emotional development. The belief that raising children is the only worthwhile thing doing in life. The belief that simply by reproducing you automatically become a complete person. The belief that children are necessary to allow you to fulfill your potential as a human being - which includes living through the whole gamut of human emotion.

Hogwash, I say.

Parental hijacking also makes me suspicious. If you are at peace with the decisions you make, it should not be necessary to "big yourself up" by dismissing and invalidating your life pre-children. It is insulting and condescending, not to mention untrue, to claim that a childfree person is somehow incapable of understanding and experiencing the depth and variety of emotion a childed person does. It is not the job of the child to help you fulfill your potential. That responsibility is yours and yours alone.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Tick Tock

Purple Women^TM do not suffer from the biological clock. We've made a decision, however, since we are not really purple, there is really no good way for people to know that just because we happen to be a woman, we do not plan on becoming a mother.

Carrie Friedman of Los Angeles illustrates this point beautifully in her guest editorial for Newsweek. Carrie looks forward to being a mother and even admits she infantilizes her pet dog, but she doesn't want people asking her about her family status all the time. She calls out the double-standard that women are held to, noting that her husband does not get the same invasive questioning.

I hope you have a chance to read her article: Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock (Newsweek, My Turn; page 16; July 23, 2007).

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Childfree and Pet-Free

When people ask if we have pets I respond: "Heck no, I can can barely keep a plant alive!"

It’s true. If plants could talk, Home Depot would be at my door demanding I relinquish custody of their neglected fern. My lucky bamboo is lucky indeed, having survived months in stale, stagnant water.

We are childfree and pet-free, in part, because we could never figure out how we could manage to take responsibility for dependent beings, given our crazy lifestyle.

When I married my husband, he was working in international sales and I was a fashion sales agent. There were many times when we wouldn’t see each other for three weeks at a stretch. Our work, and our vacation travel, has taken us hundreds and thousands of miles away from home.

Even now, our luggage is stored in the laundry room so we can unpack, wash, and repack. I suspect there are some pairs of my husband’s socks that have never seen the inside of a drawer.

So when the assignment editor at Unscripted e-zine, a web-based publication focused on childfree living, was looking for someone to write a feature on pet-free CF folks, I volunteered to do some research and report back.

The resulting article No Kids and No Pets exposes the common rationales for pet-free living. I was surprised how many dog lovers I encountered amongst the pet-free. They expressed sentiments similar to mine: my husband and I both like dogs, but we like them too much to leave them for weeks at a time with a pet-sitter or parked at a kennel.

We don’t have pets for many of the same reasons we don’t have kids. I feel guilty enough about the plant; at least I won’t ever have to worry about the animal protection folks or social services at my door.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Meltdown on Aisle Five

You know the topic: Other People's Children (OPC). We've blogged about this before, but on a limited, non-rant basis. That's a hallmark of Purple Women^TM, to avoid base ranting at the possible cost of being a little boring. It serves no purpose, except for commiserating. Still, it has earned a spot in our topic list, and the topic is unavoidable. The subject of OPC is easy fodder. Here's another take.

I stumbled upon a relatively new childfree blog yesterday. (The more the better. Our topic doesn't get enough accurate exposure in the mainstream media, so we make up for it in the blogosphere.) The front page post was a typical rant complaining about OPC in public spaces. Get used to it, kids have a right to exist and parents cannot control every move an offspring makes. There's lots of advice out there to help parents manage their tots, but even if they follow all that well-meaning advice, it still may not work. As one tipster offered, "shop when kids are in school or at home eating dinner"!

I recently got to try my hand at substitute teaching. The school year is over now and I am trying to decide whether or not to go back to it in the fall. I had one special education class that I will never forget. These poor kids couldn't even sit still. All of them were medicated. Pill-popping is our society's solution to the problem.

The kids you see acting up at the mall up may not be controllable without medication. I've seen it up close and personal. Some families try hard to avoid that solution. There are examples within my own family. I think we childfree make a huge assumption that parents can control their kids. Perhaps some are just not equipped with the right skill set, but consider that the deck may be stacked against them. It scares me a little to go down this line of thinking. Is our environment so toxic that our children are sick?

The special ed class I subbed for was so tough, I was compelled to go to the library to read up on it. The diagnoses of autism have increased dramatically in the last decade or so. It is a whole continuum of degrees of illness. Some autistic people are highly functioning, but they do not relate to the world in the same way. There is a lot of speculation about autism being linked to mercury. I hope there is a lot more research done in this area, because I believe our society needs to make some fundamental changes and reverse this trend. In the meantime, eat organic, and let's do what we can to support these challenged parents. We are not qualified to make the diagnosis, nor is it our place to discipline someone else's child. Parents do the best they can, just as our own did. All we can offer them is our patience and a little understanding.

Flickr photo by sean_alexander (cc)
Technorati Tag: Childfree