Change is Good

It bears repeating:

There are a lot of negative spaces out there where the childfree gather online and use derogatory terms for parents and their children. It was my intention to create something different, something more respectful and deserving of respect and consideration by a broader audience. Social change is a lofty goal and it takes time. Contributors and commenters here are part of that change.

We are undergoing some changes here on the blog team and I wanted to say a public thank you to NikkiJ, NomadShan, and Boxing Tomboy for their contributions. Though they are leaving the team, their personal blogs will remain in the sidebar. I am grateful that they spent some time with us here to share their personal experiences of being childfree.

Change is good. And hey, let's face it, we're childfree and we have lots of other interests!

If you are interested in becoming a Contributor to the Purple Women^TM blog, please get in touch with Teri. We all reap the rewards of collective wisdom.

Next post: Taking a Stand

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Survey Results #2

I am on the road, in Dallas, Texas attending a book publishing conference, which is a bit like drinking from a fire hydrant. My apologies for the delay. I am aiming to post these on consecutive Mondays!

4. How did you first hear about Purple Women^TM?

Purple Women website/blog: 7.5%
Friend 13.5%
eWomenNetwork 2.5%
No Kidding! 11%
Other childfree website 38.5%
Other 32% (I have no idea what this means...)

5. Where do you reside?

200 women responded to this question, 13 women left it blank. I will use this information in the story-telling for this book in progress as this was a fill-in-the-blank question.

6. What is your nationality?

American 70.5% (141 women)
Canadian 24.0% (48 women)
Other (please specify) 8% (16 women)

My requirement was that if you are taking the survey you live in either the U.S. or Canada, regardless of your citizenship status.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Two Reasons

I have chosen not to have children, mostly for the reason that I simply don't want them. But I also have medical issues to consider. I have OCD - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I'm on medication for it and with the medication I am able to function normally. Without the medication, daily living is difficult as I am bogged down with the little details.

As a result, if I became pregnant, there would be concerns about my going off the medication during pregnancy, birth defects in the baby and the inevitable concern of hereditary disease of passing along the OCD. It would be extremely difficult for me to function without my medication, yet most likely the doctor would want me going off it so as not to harm the baby.

This is an issue to consider. If I had wanted children, I would have needed to take this into consideration. Fortunately, my mind was already made up, but there are others who must wrestle with this issue. Mental illness can be a factor in the decision whether or not to have children. Too many people don't take the time to consider this.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

A Childfree Life

My mother-in-law visits every Christmas season and even though she drives me crazy most of the time I can have good conversations with her every once and a while.

Last Christmas we were sitting in my livingroom just having different discussions when I blurted out I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be having any children. Keep in mind she's desperate to become a grandmother and never gets to see my boyfriend's daughter for complicated reasons I will get into another time.

What was her response?

If you don't have children then what are you going to do with your life?

Her other daughter-in-law (also my best friend) was in shock I didn't lose my cool with her but I tell you I was dumbfounded by that question. What kind of question is that anyway?

This coming from a woman who the moment her kids had left home (and she was divorced from their father) she sold the home and moved from New England to Florida. She started a whole new life and nearly abandoned her role as a mother. I couldn't believe she, of all people, could ask me what someone does with their life if they aren't a parent?

At the time all I really responded with was I really wanted to travel and that I'd continue to basically do what I do now. Sometimes I think more of an answer is expected from that big of a question but I don't understand what else you can say? Staying childfree I'll just continue to live my life, what more is needed?

I can't help but wonder if when all is said and done will my life somehow be considered less because I didn't have children. If I travel all over the world, meet extraordinary people and live out my dreams will it all mean nothing if I choose not to be a mother?

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Slowed Down

Another reason I never wanted kids is because they slow you down in more ways than one. I attended the Taste of Chicago this past holiday weekend, and also allowed myself to be talked into going to see the annual fireworks show downtown. My stepmother, niece and I were nearly sidewiped and ran over several times by people with kids in strollers, carriages or Red Flyer Wagons.

What irritated me was that it was clear that most of the kids could walk, yet their parents opted to push them around. Parents seem to baby their kids these days way longer than they should. If the child is disabled, I can certainly understand the need for a stroller. But a healthy five year old can make it under their own power.

I walk fast out of habit. When I was a kid, my mother had no patience for any of us kids poking along. I was reminded of that when my 18-year old niece complained about walking for several blocks while we were trying to locate the house of one of my aunts a few days ago. My niece lives in a small town where you must have a vehicle to get around or you can't go anywhere. She is used to being chauffered around by family and friends whenever she needs to go somewhere. I did not grow up with a car in the house, so I know nothing about that experience.

My mother never learned how to drive, and she considered a car to be an unnecessary expense. In Chicago, you can easily do without a car due to the vast public transportation system. However, public transportation does not offer door-to-door service like a car does. It's usually another few blocks when you get off the train or the bus before you get to your destination. My niece was at least several feet behind me most of the time, while I marched along, having long ago gotten used to walking 5, 10 or more blocks to get to destinations.

We never made it to my aunt's house. After about seven blocks of walking, I figured out that we had passed the house, but my niece kept complaining about being hot and tired. I really wanted my niece to meet my mother's sisters, since she had not before. However, she was not going to walk back, and was eager to find a bus to go back to my stepmom's house.

My mother would have snapped, and demanded that she make the trek back. She would have had to keep up, as well. Ma had no qualms about letting any of the kids know that we were always in her way as it was. "Walk up or the next time, I'll leave your ass at home!" she would bark, followed by our arms being yanked or a shove in our backs. I'm a little more patient, so I gave in to my niece's request to give up the search for the house.

However, the next time my niece comes out to visit me, I'll insist she wear tennis shoes instead of flip flops.


Technorati Tag: Childfree

Survey Results #1

Well as promised, here is the first in a series of consecutive Monday posts about the results of the survey launched in February. My dear husband is facing the music in the kitchen while I post this. (Eeeeek, in the blogosphere a deadline is a promise!)

There are 213 completed surveys, upon a first look not all are valid per the criteria and the necessary focus I set forth.

Pre-Qualifier Questions 1-3

1. Do you currently reside in either Canada or the U.S.?

97.7% Yes (208 respondents) / 2.8% No (6 respondents)

Some of you may have been wondering why question #1 was in there. The focus of the Purple Women^TM team blog is only limited to those with access to a computer and a grasp of the English language, however for the book, upon which the survey is based, I needed to focus on a topic and an area that was natural to my own experience, with an eye toward future book sales.

2. Are you a childfree woman (i.e. nobody calls you Mom)?

100.5% Yes / 214 respondents

In question #2, I attempted to exclude women who are step-parents. This decision took some criticism early in the process, right here on this blog. I learned that there are indeed some women who have not had, nor intend to have, children and consider themselves Purple Women^TM, even though they are step-parents by marriage. It is always good to be enlightened (and humble), even if it is in the blogosphere for anyone in the world to read. Blended families and step-parenting is a whole 'nother book and for the folks who do it -- my hat's off to 'em, no matter what their "colors".

3. Are you willing to participate in the is survey anonymously with the understanding that the results of this study will be published?

100% Yes (213) / 0.5% No (1 person)

Re: #3 needs no explanation. Of course, I'll read the responses, but promise not to publish the responses of the person who answered "no".

My thanks to all of you who took the time to take this survey. It is my pleasure to share the results with you.

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Having Kids is Like Shooting Heroin?

Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s essay Does Fatherhood Make You Happy? in the June 19, 2006 edition of Time magazine, offers readers some insight into why parents say they are happy, despite the fact that studies that have found that raising kids is about as much fun as doing housework. Gilbert offers up with three reasons why, at the end of the day, parents feel it’s worth it:

1) Children are expensive, so we rationalize the cost with the idea that children make us happy, much like we rationalize that expensive designer handbag.

2) Happiness is amnesic. One sublimely, happy moment can eclipse eight hours of drudgery.

3) Having children is like shooting heroin. Daniel Gilbert walks us through the analogy:

…Although most of us think of heroin as a source of human misery, shooting
heroin doesn't actually make people feel miserable. It makes them feel really, really good--so good, in fact, that it crowds out every other source of pleasure. Family, friends, work, play, food, sex--none can compete with the narcotic experience; hence all fall by the wayside. The analogy to children is all too clear. Even if their company were an unremitting pleasure, the fact that
they require so much company means that other sources of pleasure will all but disappear. Movies, theater, parties, travel--those are just a few of the English nouns that parents of young
children quickly forget how to pronounce. We believe our children are our greatest joy, and we're absolutely right. When you have one joy, it's bound to be the greatest.

This essay was designed to help us celebrate Father’s Day. Gilbert goes on to say that our ability to love through the most difficult times with our children makes us noble and human. That’s a nice sentiment but what about the people who are caring for their aged parents or the person who is nursing an injured or neglected dog back to health?

I wonder if my parents would identify with any of the above? My dad’s a great guy. Every year, I spend a good ten minutes searching for just the right card for him that communicates how much he means to me. I just never thought to send a card that reads:
Thanks for rationalizing, Dad!!!

Technorati Tag: Childfree

Freedom!

Every month, I participate in a blog exchange with a dozen or so other women, most of whom are mothers. Every month we choose a topic and each write on what that topic means to us : this month it was, fittingly, freedom.

I wrote about my love of having freedom to live my life the way I want. In reading all the other entries, I found most of them writing about what very little freedom they do have because of their kids. A couple of ladies wrote about missing going to the bathroom by themselves. A couple wrote about not being able to go to the movies or out to dinner. Many wrote about not have the freedom to even sleep.

While each of them was sure to add how worth it it was to them, I simply can't imagine. This is a major reason why I choose to NOT have children.

I. LOVE. MY. FREEDOM.

Losing that freedom is so NOT worth it to me. Is that selfish? Maybe a little. But, ya know what? I can decide to go to the movies 10 minutes before it starts. I can eat at whatever restaurant I feel like. I can even go to the bathroom and shut the door if I want.

And, sorry, but it just can't get any better than that.

Technorati Tag: Childfree