Being Needed

I’ve always been very protective of my cats, even since I was young. If they are sick, then I take care of them. If they are unhappy, then I try to cheer them up. If they are in trouble, I want to save them. I don’t know about anyone else but once I adopt a cat it becomes a part of me and I can imagine that being a parent is similar.

I adopted a cat, whom I named Keyser Soze, several years back when I was single. He became a big part of my life because he would go to bed with me at night and hang out with me when I watched tv. He was the only thing I could count on for that period of time.

When I moved back to my parents house he started sneaking outside and this made me nervous since the house was on a main street. Whenever he wouldn’t come home at night I’d go roaming the streets calling his name and not rest until I found him. I remember asking my mom if this panic feeling was what it was like to be a mother and she just gave me a big grin.

Then one day he didn’t come home and still didn’t come home. It turned out he had been hit by a car and I had to find him on the side of the road. The pain was excruciating and it took me a long time to get over that loss.

I love being needed by my cats but I also love how self-sufficient they are. We can be close one moment and the next moment doing our own thing. They don't need constant attention and I can handle the amount they depend on me. If I push them away at one moment because I am busy I don't think that would be considered cruelty.

There is something about caring about another person or a little being that depends on you. I just don’t think I can handle such a huge responsibility by having a child because I still feel I need to depend on myself so much more than I do. Maybe some of us are just never ready to be that needed by anyone.