January 26, 2007

Compliments on a Childfree Choice

Several weeks ago, my husband and I went to lunch with some friends after church. This has become somewhat of a regular routine, particularly with one couple whom we have gotten close to. This particular Sunday there were 3 other families involved and we met at a Wendy's/Tim Horton's. The guys sat at one table, the ladies at another, with the kids in between. Most of the kids were school-age while the youngest sat with her dad (she was under 2 years old). When the mother of the 2 youngest kids sat down with us ladies, she looked at me and said,

"You're the smartest woman at this table." We looked at her curiously for what she meant and she responded, "For your decision not to have kids."
I was a bit surprised as it's quite unusual for a parent to make a comment like that. She didn't mean at all that she didn't love her own children. Rather she was acknowledging that having children can be difficult at times and making the choice not to have them is valid. Situations like these seem to be rare and it was encouraging to be complimented on the choice I had made.

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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. I really hope most parents don't feel like that. I want to be surrounded by HAPPY people!

Okay, I have been accused of wearing rose-colored (purple?) glasses before...

Anonymous said...

I'd really like to read that Ann Landers piece. I've caught wind of it in cyberspace before.

My burning question is, has anyone duplicated this test scientifically? I am certain this sold a lot of papers.

bonsai said...

Here it is, from the Happily Childfree site:

http://www.happilychildfree.com/ann.htm

Anonymous said...

that's cool

bonsai said...

I hope that eventually, we get past being viewed either with condescension, derision or pity (which seems to be more often the case) or --- as in the post --- with envy.

If the only people having kids were those who were truly cut out for it *and* wanted it, all of the squirrely stuff parents throw at us would just go away.

Anonymous said...

Elise, I really think you have nailed it on the head.

Anonymous said...

Oh and, thanks for that link! I wish I knew how to do a live link in a comment, but alas...it eludes me.

Anonymous said...

Put me down as a parent who would definitely do it all over again, but who still thinks you're very smart to have made the decision that you think is right for your own lives.

emilializ said...

Actually, the Ann Landers poll is scientifically worthless - sort of like "creation science." It's sometimes cited in sociology textbooks as how NOT to conduct a survey. Better-done polls find that at least 90% of parents WOULD have children again.

On the other hand, I suspect that if you had a large poll of childfree people, the majority would also say they would make the same choice again. One small survey (of 25 women per group) found that none of the mothers regretted their decision. Twenty-four out of 25 (96%) of the childfree women would make the same decision again. Childless not-by-choice women, on the other hand, had higher levels of regret - although at least one said she had gone from defining herself as "childless by circumstance" to "childless by choice."