My Quest for a Childfree Man

In the process of writing the outline for my book and documentary, I was forced to recall the years I was a single woman, dating. I hated dating because those first dates where so damn awkward. The only way I could endure them was to go into the first date with such low expectations of how it might turn out that it would be impossible to be disappointed.

I never expected to be swept off my feet. I never expected a phone call the next day. I never thought of these first dates as a way to qualify a future husband. It was just an opportunity to spend time with a guy who seemed interesting and fun.

That strategy seemed to work. Usually there was a second or third date, time to assess if this guy was going to be someone you wanted to keep around. Some were keepers, some were not.

I knew at 15 years old that I did not want to be a Mom, so when a relationship got serious, I felt compelled to spill the beans. That was usually the end. And, rightly so. I knew I could not marry a man who wanted children of his own, and I wasn't going to pretend otherwise.
So when I finally found a guy who was in his thirties who didn't care if he had kids or not, I was thrilled.

I knew that life with a childfree man was going to be very different:
--I was never going to be pressured into having a child.
--I would be his partner, rather than the mother of his children.
--I would be free to pick and choose just how I might want to express my femaleness, outside of the prescribed role of Mom.
--We would have the time to nurture each other and our relationship.
--We could take risks, financial and otherwise, without risking a child's future.

I also knew that if I married a childfree man:
--I would likely never experience the challenges and joys of being a parent.
--I might be alone later in life.
--I will have no excuse not to do all of those things I dreamed of doing as a childfree person.
--One, or both, of us might our regret our decision not to have a child.

This July we will celebrate 18 years of marriage. Regret-free.

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