Wanted: Childfree Role Models

As a childfree 40-year-old, married woman I fit squarely in the category of those who are deemed to have an atypical adult identity. My husband and I live happily outside the mainstream, but at times it has been lonely. I have struggled to accept and define myself by my alternative family status. This became more of a crisis for me as more of our friends got married and had kids, thus altering their lives and our relationship with them, forever. It didn’t help that we chose to live in the burbs. Now I seek out childfree friends who have more time to socialize.

I am used to being categorized and marginalized, if not for my childfree status, then for some other reason. My husband is a baby boomer. I am Generation X, but missing the lower back tattoo and only my ears are pierced. I heard a new term on a talk radio program recently: omniracial. Omiogosh, I thought, that’s me too! I am half Cambodian with a touch of Portuguese, and on the American side Germanic and Irish decent. Okay, who wants a piece of me? I really felt for Tiger Woods when the media was going crazy over his ethnicity.

A while back, when I was still living in California I managed a swim school. It was a step off the beaten path of nonprofit fundraising for me, but I loved that job. All the kids called me Miss Teri and I got really good at guessing children’s ages, age three through nine. A close family member had encouraged me to take the job. She said, “It will be good for you to be around children and families.” She was right and this experience helped me realize that I am good with children -- something I never knew before, partly because I am an only child.

It was fun to play with other people’s kids. I think back now and realize that I was testing myself to see if being around children would drive me one way or anther, perhaps to pursue adoption or foster parenting.

The experience was a good one for me, but in the end I decided to remain childfree. The “deciding to decide” and then accepting the decision, and acting upon it, was a very important step for me.

The knowledge that I could not bear children of my own haunted me throughout my 20s and 30s, and I have struggled to find my own reason for being, my purpose in life. I have often wondered if the childfree have an important role or even a duty to society, our family and our community to give back or make a difference in some way -- since our greatest achievement will not be a child. Some would argue that not having a child is our gift to the earth.

This conversation with myself has evolved over the years. Lately, I’ve been wondering if perhaps we should be the first-responders in case of crises? I think my need for significance is why I was drawn to work in the nonprofit sector. More recently, I have come to see my childfree status an opportunity to immerse myself in what I am passionate about, so that I may leave my mark on the world (blogosphere?), even if it’s only chicken scratch!

At this mid-point in life, a time when life-review is not un-common, I am still looking around me for good role models. I have been lucky to find a few along the way.

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